Here's a question for divorce parents only please.

Rebecca - posted on 09/11/2012 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My seven year old son has bee making comments regarding his father (my ex-husband's dating) to me. I did not think much until this came out of his mouth, "Dad's going to have another girlfriend in a month". He even proceeded to tell me that he meets women from online and invites them over to hang out with him and the kids. He even ask me to tell his dad to stop dating. In the end, the result that he wants is more time with his father. He says he gets tired of having to hang out with his father wth the girlfriends around. For example, he wants to ride bikes, but his dad is spending time with the current girlfriend. Should I be worried?



I have mention that my son is feeling left out and that his son is making inappropriate comments about his dating, but he chuckles like it means nothing at all. I got the point from his end to stay out of my business, but as a mother, I am worried as heck right now. My husband and I have a great marriage with another child in the picture. Is he going to pick-up the dating habits of my ex-husband or from me at this point?



Keep in mind, a very messy divorce-been in court four times over custody since June 2010. I know if my son told him that I had these dating habits that he would have me court in an instant. How I know, he took me to court at 39th weeks pregnant and proceeded to tell the judge he did not know I was pregnant even after having two kids with him, and I had witnesses that could prove he knew I was pregnant.

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Bobbie - posted on 09/11/2012

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Sadly, the child is the one who suffers for your ex's actions. I'm am glad to hear that he comes to you and speaks about his feelings. It goes a long way to have a parent that will listen. My ex actually took my son as well as his older sister to Hooters on a regular basis. My daughter would tell me how awful he acted. My ex is a huge drinker and never was one to worry about having a few even when he had the kids to drive home.

When my children told me of these bad actions against women, such as teaching my son to stare a sets of boobs at age 7 and rate who had the best pair, I listened with great sadness.

My children always came to me. This is how I would handle it. I would listen intently. Ask them how it made them feel and then say I was sorry that their dad made them feel that way. I would point out to them that their father was responsible for his own actions. That he must not know how he makes them feel. That is all I felt I could do and stay out of the fray. If he has taken you to court often you must really feel he has put you through it. I however would warn against bringing any action against him. I would also not give him any attention on the matter. I would however give your son the knowledge that you are on his side. Practice with him to learn and know your cell phone number. Let him have his own relationship with his dad. The only way I stepped in was to inform my son that he had a right to ask his dad not to have company when they spend time together. That he could call his dad and talk to him about it if he felt that would be better. I have to tell you. my ex was such a dick that he was drunk and hung up on his own kid.

The good news, even with an idiot of a dad that he saw on a regular basis I was able to establish respect to women, good manners, a sense of right from wrong, and good example of what a real healthy relationship looked like to my children. They are grown without any outward social damage from their father's actions. My son loves and respects me. He still has a relationship with his father and loves him, warts and all.

In closing, it really is hard to go through what you have been through and not be bitter. If his dad wants to act like an ass he is only hurting his relationship with your son. Because you are there to be the voice of calm, comfort and understanding your son will be fine. Just be prepared to hold your tongue, A LOT. But it really isn't your business what his father does and what it sounds like to me is he likes to get you worked up. So, as I always told myself inwardly when I had to hear it, see it. or be in the same room with the idiot I was dealing with.

Never let him see you sweat. The best way to win everything is to not allow him and his actions to affect the relationship with your children, not let him have any more of your time thinking about him or spending a single second speaking to him about anything. My ex got so upset when he couldn't get me upset anymore. That is when I knew I was finally not his game piece anymore. He couldn't make me feel any emotion towards him no matter what he said, even when he used our children as ponds.

Sarah - posted on 09/14/2012

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From experience of 2 divorces both of which i tried so hard to keep, it sounds to me like your ex is very immature and sees your son as a way and means to get back at you. I say this because my two children were from my first husband and when we divorced he did this exact same thing. I knew it at the time but had confirmation from him himself 20 years later. Because they cannot cope with you moving on as they expect you not to, he will try to get at you through your son. Its his only form as he knows your a good mum and you will be hurt by this. The best thing to do is have a chat with your son and tell him this is not normal behaviour from an adult. Act to your ex husband that your absolutely fine with his father having girlfriends and you are happy for him but not always on your sons time. Explain that if it continues you will only send your son on days when it is a one to one father son basis. Men are like children, and you should treat them as so if they continue to misbehave. Attention is attention be it good or bad. Your ex husband sounds like both. He will continue all the time he thinks hes hurting you. But will think twice if it comes to his own doorstep. One day your son will have the courage to tell his father himself as did mine and i can tell you your ex will regret it. Your ex needs to be reminded of the role of a parent is one of a teacher not a mate, your will have plenty of them. Good luck and be strong for your son :0)

Barbara - posted on 09/12/2012

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i didn't get that i was put to blame for us splitting up and it was bad but they have apologised to me since has they have seem him for what he is worth and i got apology as he was the one cheating your son will see that eventually

Lacye - posted on 09/11/2012

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I am not a divorced parent, but I am the child of divorced parents. As the child of one, I learned pretty quickly what I wanted in a marriage vs what I didn't want. My dad was the parent with a steady relationship (has been married to my stepmother for almost 24 years) and that is the relationship I look at when I have made decisions about getting married or not. My mother however, was the one who had different boyfriends all the time and I looked at her and saw (even as a small child) that she was not happy and she was making some pretty bad decisions. Just keep showing your son what a good solid relationship is like and he will pick up on that.

Dove - posted on 09/11/2012

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I think Bobbie has said everything I would want to say... only much better. As much as it stinks you can't control what your ex does or does not do and I have realized that bringing things to court is pretty pointless unless your child's safety/life is in danger. Trust me... I WISH I had the power to control what other people do or do not do, so I get your feelings 100%. However, I think Bobbie's approach is probably the best one. The best you can do is NOT be like your ex.... you and your husband show him how a relationship SHOULD be... and talk to your son about his feelings and how HE should act... and let him know that you stand beside him 100% and if he has a problem with what his father does or does not do... HE has the right to try and talk to his father about it.



Sorry!

12 Comments

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Redbear - posted on 11/13/2012

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I'm a divorced dad of four and can say that he's not taking his son's welfare first which is where it should be. Also, if he's dating so recently after divorce he's headed for another disaster that will hurt his kids all over again.



Discretion is best and if your ex is acting inappropriately after being asked by you and your son not to, perhaps it's time for the court to intervene.

Rebecca - posted on 09/29/2012

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Sorry to hear, Sarah. My ex promised that he would never take the kids away from me ever. When I was 39 weeks pregnant with my youngest daughter, he had gotten temporary sole cusotudy of kids for false pre-tenses. He told his lawyer and his lawyer presented min evidence against. Without the help of a lawyer and five days of missed work, I presented 100 pages of evidences to disproof all the accusations, and even was able to proof he was guilty of some of the things that were used against me. I did not see my kids from 10 days. I was In court, two days before I gave birth. Unfortunately, this case is forever used against me whenever I have taken my ex back to court for primary custody even when I can prove that he is not taking care of their basic needs. I've been told he is a single parent, and that allows him some excuses. My kids don't shower for five days, and then come over on the weekend is smell like piss. I gave up on the court system a long time ago, and waiting until the oldest turns 12 to go back to court.

Sarah - posted on 09/17/2012

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Well i hope that goes well for you sweetie. My ex husband did this to me one day. I went to pick my daughter up from school only to be the last parent waiting at the gate. I went into the office as i thought she must be in the nurses office but only to be told, "no your husband came for her earlier today", saying she had a doctors appointment . So here i was with no daughter. I went home to call him as then there were no mobile phone. He told me that he had my daughter and wasnt prepared to tell me when he was going to return her, if at all. When we divorced i did

not fight for the right of sole custudy as i felt he was going through enough and we would sort something out without lawyers. So how could he abuse my kindness and tru to this extent. Well this is because he knew he could and he wasnt thinking of anyone but himself and how much it would hurt me. It did more than hurt, i ended up having a nervous breakdown. He kept her for 9 months and only allowed me to see her every other saturday, i went along with

it as i knew he would get bored if he thought it was having no effect on me. The day he decided to move in with his new girlfriend was the day he returned her. Strange isnt it....... My daughter is now 25 and has a daughter of her own and she has appologised so many times for what happened as she said if her husband took her daughter for 9 months she would die....

Rebecca - posted on 09/14/2012

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Thanks, Sarah. Over the years, I'm become numb to some of his behavior...take more years to be completely numb. Eventually, I will be going to court in a few years, since my daughter wants to move back in with me, but the court says she has to be 12 before they will allow this in court. For now, they know they are always welcome with mom and their stepdad.



My dad did the same thing to my stepfather. He cheated on her and treated her like crap, and after he got divorced from my mom, he apologize to my stepmom for his behavior. I can truly see he is happy with her.

Theresa - posted on 09/12/2012

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Rebecca,



I am a mother of 3. My eldest is 12, 10, and 3. My 10 year old is mildly autistic and priceless in her approach to her father's girlfriends. In other words, she says it as it is ("your fat", "your mean", "I don't like you!") My 12 yr old has a much harder time with everything. She is at an age where everything mentally and physically is changing. She is angry at her father and remembers very well how he left us in the 1st place 4 years ago. (Yes, I was 3mos pregnant). She doesn't necessarily hate these women because she doesn't know them, but she hates that her father devotes more time to "being in love" than with them. I've taught her she must always be polite and respectful to everyone, BUT she has a right to communicate her feelings so long as they are in an appropriate manner (no yelling or crude name calling). I tell her, even when she was 9, that I can't change her father or his behavior, but I can help her to express how she feels. Your son is going to have to build up his confidence and tell his father or his girlfriend, hey I'm glad we could have company but when will you have time for me? Or your son needs to tell his dad that he doesn't want to visit him anymore if he is going to a girlfriend over everytime. I also reccomend getting your son in therapy to help him deal with his anger and fears with dealing with his father. It has made a huge difference in my daughter. She still confides in me but feels safer talking to a third party. Plus the added benifit of a therapist is if he doesn't like what he hears, something happens, or he drags you back to court a judge is more likely to a therapists professional point-of-view over his. Trust me on that one. Mine was lucky he didn't have to do parenting classes.



Good Luck and hang in there. Karma does come back around; promise.

Rebecca - posted on 09/12/2012

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Dove-



My son refuses to tell him anything. He is afraid that his father is not going to like him, and that even the girlfriends are going to be mean to him for feeling the way that he does. I have asked him to speak his father, and even encouraged his father to make that first step to the conversation. I have explained that his father is a "packaged" deal...that he comes with dating his father, and that if she feels that way for expressing more time with his father, then she is not the right gal for him.



My ex barely knows the two hour conversation I had with my son, and I have kept most of it secret to keep a good relationship with my son.

Rebecca - posted on 09/12/2012

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Thanks for the responses. My husband and I have made sure to show him the relationship he should want when he does get older and gets married. I keep my tongue quiet most of the time, but when he speaks of things like this, I at least inform his father even though he never takes it seriously. Just trying to keep peace between me and my ex, but willing to speak up when a seven years speaks like an adult.



I know he is a good kid and does well in school as well as socialize very well. I imagine he will turn out to be a great guy even with the inappropriate behavior from his father's end.

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