[deleted account] ( 3 moms have responded )
I am not his mother, I am his stepmom (even if not legally).
His mother is alive, involved, and even currently living in our home. We have a good relationship, although it did not start off well.
My stepson will be living with his father (my boyfriend) and I starting this summer (he has been living with his grandmother states away) and his mom will not (in fact they are both going out to his grandmothers (SS's moms mom) this week).
Yesterday was a rough day and his mom almost moved out (she has a very unstable home-life and is used to just packing up and leaving when things get heated), but we all talked things out and are okay. Here are a few things I would like to point out that have helped us 3 as a unit:
1) THEY are the disciplinarians
-my SS's mom and I view this differently. She is displeased when I talk sternly or raise my voice to him (as I no longer put him in time-out) but also understands that this is the only thing I can do. I believe children should listen to all adult who are involved in their home life as it could be a life or death situation and neither one of us should have to say his name more than once to get a response, and although she understands this, she says it just confuses him . This is something we will work more on.
2) Just because I express something I disagree with doesn't mean it will change
-The mother disciplines differently from how I would (because of the situation she babies and coddles him more, where as I am more stern and do not dismiss his inappropriate behavior because of all the stress and anger he has). We've come to compromises on things like timeout, but other things haven't changed. This is fine. This is their son, and as much as I love him it is not my place to force change on how he is raised, just give my input when it's asked for (sometimes days after it's been asked).
3) Me giving him what he wants (which is my company along with thiers) does NOT mean mom and dad alone can't do that
- when I came into the picture SS's mom was in a very different state mentally and physically, I was there when she wasn't, this however does not mean that since I am there now it is for the same reason. I am not involved because she isn't. I am involved because they are my family.
- I have sacrificed a lot of things I want to do with my SS (such as playing one-on-one as much, hugging him as much, telling him I love him, and getting up every morning so he can count with me while we make daddy's coffee and eat breakfast together), but I care more for giving him what he needs (to see a stable functioning relationship in his life)/wants than I do helping her not be jealous, and will not lesson my presence in that household (although I'm fine with the 3 of them doing things without me) to make her more comfortable (anytime I'm gone SS asks for me).
4) I am here to assist EVERYONE, not run the home
-I maybe dating him, and I may get flared up when he is hurt and stressed, but my boyfriend is not my only priority. When SS's mom comes to talk to me I'm there, when she asks what she's doing wrong I give her my opinion honestly. I try to keep her as comfortable as I can while still being involved in my SS's life. When they need to talk privately I take SS outside to play, I make sure he has food in the house, and make sure he knows that despite whatever's happened in the past, when we say momm's coming back she is.
We are not the perfect family, we are a work in progress, but we communicate our problems (even if things have to get heated ever-now-and-then for us to do so), we are 3 adults trying to work around and raise a child who only came from 2 of us (and for 1 of the 2 he is the only things she has), with this comes tension, patients, and a lot of dirty dishes. We are a step family. I am here to help and love.