heroin addict @ 21

Ang - posted on 09/28/2014 ( 19 moms have responded )

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Just found out my 21 year old has been addicted to heroin. He lives 3000 miles away. Hes detoxing (3rd day) w his girlfriend who is also a heroin user and other drugs. I just want to fly to him, guilt him into coming home w me. My family wants to help and take him imediately to rehab. He wants to stay where he is. Help!!!

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American - posted on 09/29/2014

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Could you and dad go to him? detox is very painful and should be done with someone sober and can handle seeing him very sick. don't agree with methadone use but seems to help them get through the worst if it. He should be closely supervised and no matter what he says or how much he begs and how bad he hurts he has to resist the urge to use. none of that possible if girlfriend uses as well. Go get your son.

Michelle - posted on 09/28/2014

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I agree with everything Sarah said.
Detoxing with another addict will not work. He needs to get into a proper rehab facility ASAP but guilt won't work.

Mindy - posted on 10/01/2014

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Sounds like you're doing all you can. I wish he would just come back to you. Your son and his girlfriend NEED to be separated and focus on theirselves and their sobriety and health. Most importantly, he needs to be in a program for close monitoring by a physician (not necessarily inpatient) but one that offers one on one counseling, classes and has suboxone. While detoxing at home, taking away phones and car keys may help temporarily but I'm not too hopeful on his current situation as his girlfriend has had the addiction and was unable to stay clean under her parents guidance in the past. He may not want to leave her because they aren't ready to quit for good and he knows she has the resources to get more drugs? And why doesn't the girlfriends parents want him to leave? Because their daughter will be saddened and miss him? Honestly sounds like they do not want to deal with her or her emotions and that's too bad because the two of them together right now is not good. Maybe her parents are hoping she kicks the habit once and for all with someone who is "new" to this addiction. Obviously they still do not know that no one person can make you quit, it's up to the individual . If the both REALLY want to be clean, then it's so sad that they don't have the resources to help them because it is virtually impossible to do it on your own and especially without a program. On a positive note, if this really is your son's first run with this and it's only been 5 months, i have seen people kick it and never look back. It's the repeat user (like myself and his girlfriend) that has relapsed several times and has developed an entirely different way of thinking called, "stinkin thinkin" (term used in rehab") Stinkin thinkin makes it hard to stay clean because when the cravings come on, your brain automatically goes to the mode of getting the drugs... And that stinkin thinkin knows what to do and how to manipulate everyone to get it. I'm sure you are at a complete loss right now but just know that it is not your fault that he chose this. My parents did a wonderful job in raising us, but sometimes they feel as if they did something wrong. And please, don't give up on asking him to come home for treatment? You never know, he may take you up on it down the road because she may relapse again and he wont want any part of it anymore. I hope she's 100% sure she's done, so he has a fighting chance. By the way, since he wont leave her are you in a position to allow both of them to move here for treatment? It may be hard and emotional for you, but it's amazing how we can get it together for our children. It sounds as if you are strong enough to be of support, and not an enabler.

Judy - posted on 09/30/2014

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My son and his girlfriend both addicted to heroine . She had a herione addicted baby.Long story short mom died we adopted the baby. My son was in jail and rehab over a three year period. He is finally starting to get his life together. He is 34. I do know one thing, Jesus could come down and tell him to get clean, but if he isn't' ready he won't get better. I pray for you and your son, it's a long hard road to go down for everyone. I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my Grand daughter. She is 2 and a half now. the light of my life. Healthy and happy. No problems from being addicted as a new born. Take care of yourself and remember you have no control over your son and what he does. Hang in there you are not alone.

Mindy - posted on 09/29/2014

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As a previous user who is 42 years old with three stunts in rehab ( going on 2 years clean again) it IS the scariest thought to not have it. He turkey believes he cant live without it and feels either jail or dying is the only way to stop. It is a vicious cycle. That being said, my entire family knew i had relapsed and They came to my house and MADE ME GO WITH THEM OR THEY WOYLD CALL THE POLICE ( because i had stolen checks and used their identities) it was a blessing. Just be ready, if indeed you do go get him. He will need to be monitored 24 hours a day. And obviously need financial help. No car privileges, no access to money, new phone number, no hanging out with friends. I did intensive outpatient and my parents and family took me to all my meetings and picked me up.... MOST IMPORTANTLY, he will need suboxone ( i still take after 2 years) or methadone. Inpatient would probably be best for him. I didn't have the insurance for that. But i was very busy doing family things everyday and going to classes. Busy busy busy and monitored only by family or people you know will not be suckered in to any attempts to go with friends or use car or go for a walk.... I tried every reason to get out. I pray things work out . Damn heroine! Oh yeah the two other times if relapse i quit suboxone... Never again, not til I'm 100% confident

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Jordan - posted on 11/18/2015

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My son went through a very similar situation. Luckily I was able to get some information from the people at this website www.realtalkaddiction.com. They were extremely helpful by giving me knowledge from their own experiences which in turn I was able to connect with my son and help him make the decision to go to treatment.

Sarah - posted on 10/09/2014

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Ang, how are you doing and how are tings going with your son? Did he get into rehab?

Ang - posted on 10/02/2014

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Thankyou Mindy..you are RIGHT! I truly believe girlfriends family does want my son to stay to help their daughter. They are exhausted w her. They adore my son and think he will beat this. I think he will beat this only if hes here. I actually did contemplate bringing them BOTH here but decided against it. Her addictions have lasted years and she needsss counseling and therapy. Her addictions have nothing to do with my son . I do think she will use again. I also think my son is capable at that time to leave. Its crazyyy though what we do when we fall in love w an addict.

Sarah - posted on 10/01/2014

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If his girlfriend's family wants him out, they can kick him out. It may be a risky move but if you plan it carefully it might workout for the best. If someone could go to him to escort him to rehab at home (the rehab facility may even have transporters). Those are people trained to get addict to rehab with them running away or talking their way out of going. I don't think you should go, you are way to emotional bound to him and he will manipulate you to get his way. At this point he is 6 days into detox, right? so he is probably craving like crazy! Tell him this is your offer; go to the airport, fly home, go to rehab. Period. You are doing him a great service by even being willing to do that! If he won't go, you can only continue to pray for him. Remember, NO MONEY, do not pay his bail (if it ever come to that) , his cell phone bill, anything at all.

Ang - posted on 10/01/2014

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Thankyou everyone for the info and support. I told his father. I agree he has a right to know. He is detoxing at his girlfriends parents home where he lives in az. Their phones and keys were taken away. I have spoken to girlfriends mom and grandmom. My family here is willing to pay for me to fly out ,bring him here, and place him in a 30 day inpatient facility. He does not want to leave his girlfriend. There are no rehab facilities where hes at, closest being phoenix. Girlfriends family does not have the money or insurance to get her treated. Girlfriends family all feel that the best place for my son to be is here. He wont leave! His girlfriend has been battling addiction for years and the family knows she introduced my son to heroin. Buttt he chose to try it. Hes been addicted 5 months which i can caculate money and job wise to probably be correct. I have backed off from begging him tl come home, i have been giving lots of love and emotional support only. No money. I Still feels soo surreal, depressing, sad, and angry.

Mindy - posted on 09/30/2014

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I don't agree with methadone either but the program I'm in offers both suboxone send methadone .... And several young adults take the methadone and go very well on it. I personally love the suboxone. I have no urges, i don't get high from it... Or drowsy ( as methadone does to people who either NEED high doses or are abusing the methadone. ) either way... A program that monitors withdrawal and prevention
Is essential . I've been praying for you and your son. Wish i could help

Mindy - posted on 09/29/2014

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Yes definitely tell dad.... My siblings knew twice before but felt i had it under control. Once my dad knew, it made all the difference. His support and love got me through and continues to.

Sarah - posted on 09/29/2014

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This is a lifelong journey from here on. Not just for your son but for your whole family. I suggest you find a Family's Anonymous meeting and go ASAP! There will be people there who are in your shoes and know exactly where to get help. They will also help you understand the illness.

Sarah - posted on 09/29/2014

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Who is telling you he is detoxing? I would be VERY leery of what information you receive and from whom. Addicts are good at manipulation and telling people what they want to hear to get what the addict wants. Two people addicted to drugs detoxing together sounds suspicious to me....not that it can't be true.....but likelihood is very slim. How did you find out he was addicted to heroin? I agree with what others have said. Dad needs to know. Rehab would be the best place for him. Find out what you as parents have the authority to do. Do not enable him.....be suspicious with everything that he tells you. DO NOT SEND MONEY FOR ANY REASON!!! Even if he states he has been sober for X amount of days/months/even years. Find out what he is doing to be sober.....support groups, meetings, etc. Find out days/times they meet. Who is there, etc. Ask TONS of questions about everything.

Sarah - posted on 09/29/2014

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I agree with telling his father. If you think it will help, that dad may be a good support for your son, then tell him. Also, I think parents have a right to know when their kids lives are on the line. My only hesitation is your son is 21, he is an adult and has the right to withhold info if he wants too. Ultimately, dad is gonna find out. Better it come from you or even better from your son. Also, your son may be hitting dad up for money and that needs to be cut off.
Please don't take offense to this either; if your son says 5 months, it's probably more like 10 months or a year or 2 years.....
Like I said, addicts lie, to everyone, about almost anything.
Push hard for him to detox and get treatment away from his girlfriend. If they are both addicts, the likelihood of them achieving and maintaining sobriety together is virtually impossible. When two freshly clean addicts are together if one goes back the other usually follows.

Michelle - posted on 09/28/2014

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I feel that his Father should know. Like we said, it's not good for addicts to detox together but hopefully he will realize that soon.
Your son doesn't get to dictate who knows about his addiction now, he also wouldn't know how much he needs the support of everyone, not just his addict girlfriend.

Ang - posted on 09/28/2014

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Thank you ladies. My son wont leave his girlfriend while they detox. Hes been using for 5 months and this is his 1st detox. I feel defeated, sad, angry, depressed,shocked. I havent told his father. My son is 21 and talks to his dad only a few times a year. His father loves him but has been an absent parent. If his dad does see him its because i have flown my son to him. My son asked me not to tell his father yet but im starting to think i should. Suggestions?

Sarah - posted on 09/28/2014

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Addiction is a serious and deadly illness. Without treatment most addicts will relapse, The best thing you can do for your son is get him into a facility with medical supervision.
Detoxing with another addict is not a good idea, not safe and reduces his chances of getting clean. You will not be able to guilt him into coming home and that will not fix the problem either. He needs treatment, and depending on the severity of his addiction (how long, how much, how many times has he tried to quit and failed) he may need long term care. Remember this, when he is using, he is not going to be the boy you raised. Addicts lie, steal, manipulate, minimize and they hurt the one they love. They don't do this intentionally, they are sick!
If he want to stay put, tell him you'll help him find a treatment facility nearby and then tell him to go. If he wants to come home, drive straight to a treatment facility from the airport or wherever. He needs specialized care. Don't give up hope. He needs your love, support and prayers right now. Just don't send him any money!

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