MOST HELPFUL POSTS
Ez - posted on 01/03/2012
I think you're over-reacting. She's 10! 10yo girls can be difficult, even in the best of situations. I'm not saying you should allow her to be disrespectful or rude to you, or mean to her little brother, but I am getting a sense from your posts that you want her to bow down at your feet in appreciation for what you do with and for her. And that's just not going to happen.
Her feelings are valid, even if they make things complicated. And just about every step-child has uttered those famous lines - 'you're not my mum!' etc. Totally normal. From what you've said, she doesn't need counselling, and she certainly doesn't need traumatic trips to hospitals and foster kids (she may take the foster kid thing as a threat). She needs some understanding and age-appropriate expectations. She is a pubescent girl dealing with a lot. If you think she should be contributing more to the household chores, make that happen. If you think she needs to have an earlier bedtime while at your house, change it. Those are reasonable responses to a practical problem. But don't do the other stuff.
It almost seems like you are wanting to scare her into loving you.
Elise - posted on 01/03/2012
Sounds like she is repeating what someone has been saying to her....mum maybe. If she was fine otherwise then out of the blue starts saying this stuff, then it's a bit weird and sounds like she is just parroting what someone has told her. I have a 10 year old stepson and these days families are all so different that I think it would be silly to take her to a cancer ward or whatever to show her how hard people have it. Sounds weird and a little over the top to me. Counseling is a good idea, this can help come to terms with the parents breakup, understand the new family dynamics, imagine suddenly being told you are moving with your dad and this other lady. I think its weird how kids are just expected to understand and accept this straight away. She is 10 and is learning how to understand her own relationships, let alone trying to understand an adult relationship. Just remember she is not an adult and still has many years of learning ahead, we are not all born automatically understanding human behavior and relationships. Counseling should help her get what is happening.
Elise - posted on 01/03/2012
Woah, I have just read some of your other posts, seriously, I am not being mean or anything but I think you are being waaaay over the top here. She is 10! You seem to be making too many comparisons as to how she behaves at her mums. Her mums house is not your house, get over it, enforce your own rules and stick to it consistently, she will learn to behave, my stepson took a good year after moving in with us to understand what is acceptable in our house and what isn't. Don't EVER expect to tell her something once and for her to do it or remember it, it takes a long time for things to sink in, they have to be reminded and yeah, it's twice as hard for her cos she has two different sets of rules, two houses. I think really you should take a minute to look at it from her point of view and try and understand what it is like for a 10 year old kid. My stepson has said he hated me when he hasn't gotten what he wants but he would say it to anyone who is enforcing rules. Its a basic discipline thing I think. Kids need to know where to stop, if you don't tell them or show them, they will keep going until someone tells them, that's enough! You seem to think that she should be thinking and acting like an adult, she is 10 years old, they do not think like us I promise, there is no reason or logic to what they are doing. Kids are huge ego maniacs, they can't help but only think about what is in their best interests, as they grow they learn, develop emotionally, understand more. Look at it from her point of view and stop thinking that she should be acting like an adult. And yes you are right, if you do not co-sleep in your family, then she is not allowed in your bed, that's just a rule you have to enforce, she will keep pushing it because she is trying to make you give in and let her do what she wants - as any COMPLETELY NORMAL 10 year old will do. Expect her to keep pushing things and acting like you have never told her before that she is not allowed in your bed (even though you tell her every night) She does not have an adult brain, she has a 10 year old brain
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â¥âªMeganâ«â¥ - posted on 01/03/2012
Your methods right now are going to driver her further away from you. If you want a child to want to be around you, then you do what they want to do and make time with you enjoyable. You do NOT take them to an oncology department to meet with cancer patients and try to scare them in to loving you.
She's ten and you're her step mom. You're going to have those moments. My older daughter has yelled at my husband a few times how he loves our 9 month old more. We don't take her to see people in hospice care to make her stop that.
â¥âªMeganâ«â¥ - posted on 01/03/2012
As someone who has worked in end of life care I can safely say that the cancer patients would be overkill. Have you ever worked in hospice? Not pleasant?
I also know foster children, I have a few friends who have been foster kids. I don't believe they'd appreciate being shown as a lesson to why your child should be greatful.
She's a kid, kids say and do mean things. My 7 year old will do mean things to her 9 month old sister because she's 7 and doesn't think of what she's saying or doing. I don't put her in counciling. And her 9 month old sister is from my 2nd marriage.
I'd recommend talking with your SD first before taking everything to the extreme.
I think maybe the cancer patients would be a little extreme but not going to church, counseling, or getting to know kids from foster care. Sometimes I wish I did't care so much about her so that it wouldn't matter but I do care and love her so it;s really difficult...
â¥âªMeganâ«â¥ - posted on 01/02/2012
Do you think her mom could be saying anything? Just a thought.
All you can really do is what you've been doing. Show your step daughter how important she is in your life and her father's life. You should also encourage your husband to try and spend more time with her.
I don't know what else to tell you because I'm not a step parent, but my husband is. My older daughter is 7 and we have times when she'll be mad at him for stuff. I hope everything works out.
My husband also says that when your step daughter says she hates you then tell her that you love her.
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