Hi My boyfriend allows his 13 year old daughter to manipulate him, he is divorced from the mother, has been seperated sinc the child was 2/3. However, they have remained close. she is very controlling and sets the agenda. often dictating how things should be, despite her having a new partner. He has very weak boundaries and also allows the child to sleep in the same room as him, When I stayed over the child slept in the bed next to his bed!! Needless to say I haven't done it since. She appears jealous and hugely manipulative of his time and attention and its almost like competing, she even asked her ftaher who he loved the best, her or me??! He played right into it instead of telling her that there are different types of love, he said of course he loved her best. Its so draining and has made me feel so undervalued and second best, he cant seem to sperate from the ex wife, despite her having new partner, their idea of co parenting just doesn't fit with a new relationship. The ex wife is also bitter, she doesn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him. The daughter is obviosuly needy but is becoming spoilt and demanding. I think I need to leave this situation. He says he loves me but I dont see any changes in his actions or behaviour to accommodate me

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Ashley - posted on 10/30/2012

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ok, i just read some of the comments, and didnt realize she was 13, thought she was way younger. so no, she should not be sleeping in the same room as him. thats just creepy. and i also didnt realize you have been together for so long, thought it was a new relationship. so sorry i was so rude on my first comment. but maybe you should talk to her and figure out why she has such a problem with you, and why she is so insecure.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/24/2012

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Well, it is his daughter, and you are a girlfriend. Not to say he doesn't love you, but yes it is a different love. Sure the daughter is jealous. You should make sure you are not giving her any reason to be. Not taking your BF's attention away from his daughter when you are there. Making sure she is the center of attention. Become friends with her. Make it easy on her. Once you establish a good relationship with her, your relationship with your BF will continue to grow.



And yes, he probably DOES love his daughter best. You should not take that as an insult, but see it as him loving his daughter. Him being a father figure. he may not be the best, but at least he is there for her. More than I can say for some fathers.

Lanie - posted on 10/30/2012

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Honestly, i would leave the relationship.

You have been around for at least what 4 yrs ?

Heck , me and my ex have only been separated for a year and i was catching on that my daughter was starting to act like your boyfriend daughter when it came to her dad and I ..myself had a talk with DD , and told DD that she will always be loved by her dad ..but that as adults we crave a different kind of love that a child can not give ,, but that doesn't mean that the love the child gives is not enough.

Just that as an adult you sometime's need the companionship of other adults and i told my daughter that she needed to stop being cocky because daddy cancelled his date for her , and that he will be told that the next time he takes her on his unscheduled weekends and he has a date ..that he can drop her off with me and go on his date ..

I would never ever be ok with my DD acting that way towards anybody at all.

And as for the daughter asking who he loved more ...well in my opinion he answered that wrong. He could have said ' well you are my daughter and i will always have a special love for you, (your name) is the one that i am in a relationship with and i have a special love for her too..but it doesn't take any of my love away from you'...or SOMETHING to that degree...

Yes , he should always make sure that the daughter feels loved ...however , the daughter need's to be aware that her dad has a life outside of her too ..he is his own individual person.

And if she is 13 yrs old ..why in heck is she sleeping in the same damn room as him ??? That is insane ...and he is just feeding into her behavior.

Im sorry to say but if i were in that situation , i would leave ...i wouldn't even try to stay.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/24/2012

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WOWZA sensative much? Sorry if what I said is not what you WANTED to hear. You asked for advice, and opinions and that is what you got. Sorry but a relationship between child and parent comes before a child and a girlfriend. Yes, you have to build your adult relationship, but if the child and parent relationship is strained, then so will the adult relationship. I have been a step child. I know what it is like to be the child who does not come first. I have been the child that is uncomfortable in my own home. If my husband and I ever get divorced, my children come before new relationships. You cannot deal with that, maybe you are not meant to be in that relationship. Hell, you said it yourself "I think I need to leave this situation."



Oh, this is a NO THUMPS site, so hold back on your personal insults at me simply because you do not like what I have to say. Which is truth.

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Caralyne - posted on 08/03/2013

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Omg in same position, my 14yr step daughter has escalated to violence n attacks on me. CAN U BELIEVE my partner of 4yrs said I provoked it... No wonder she keeps doing it!!! He has given her permission by saying this. I now have a 4mth old baby, sleeping in the nursary as scared. We really did use to have a good relationship n I have never acted like this bubs is more important but her lies n manipulation to the point of now threatens suicide every time she hits me so as to not get into trouble... I AM ON THE VERGE OF LEAVING n will do so for the safety of bubby n my self esteem n I NEVER want my child to be influenced by this house of liars, cheater n manipulators... Does leaving mean she wins, sadly yes but my partner is choosing this outcome by letting her rule our house as we have her full time. Even her mother n his other family members knows she is milking it n has always been a lying manipulator n my partner has always got head in sand n excused it. Hence where we are at now.... Good luck this is the worst position I have been in...

Ashley - posted on 10/30/2012

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his child should come first, and of course he is going to love her more than you. what is the big deal about her sleeping in the same room, if it is not the same bed? i mean, he probably doesnt get a lot of time with his daughter, so stay with him the nights his daughter is not there. maybe you should try and form a bond with his daughter, instead of complaining about her. sounds to me like you are jealous. or that you see the connection he has with the ex and that it is not going to change.

Kimberlee - posted on 10/30/2012

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I think relationship with adults coming first is when you are talking about a married couple, living together in a committed relationship. I wouldn't expect a bio-parent dating to put that person ahead of their own child.



I'm a scratching my head in regards to your reply to Little Miss... , didn't seem to me like she was attacking you , just giving her opinion.



What's wrong with him reassuring his DD and telling her he loves her best? Perhaps the child is insecure , maybe it's even because of her bio-mom , who knows.



Do you not live with the boyfriend? What does he think of it all? Do ou have other examples of the problems you're having ? Besides the sleeping arrangement ( which sounds odd) and the "Who do you love more.." question , I'm not seeing a lot of information on exactly what it is about his daughter that has you upset.

Cait - posted on 10/30/2012

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get the heck away from him!! he is not going to change! I am in a very similiar (sp?) situation and have been with him for almost two years. Stupid me left my apartment to live with him (only difference with mine, is he is less involved with ex.. and they weren't married. He let's the kid manipulate him and sometimes the mother, mostly the kid bcuz the ex and her Mom haha, made him feel guilty for 'not being around enough') now I am stuck living with him, lost my job, and have to sleep in a separate room when she comes over. He lets her stay up til 5am with him playing video games and I am forced to the next room. She also, asked who do you love more! He also says that she is not an evil child like I try to make her sound and she is honestly wanting to know.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/24/2012

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Oh...one more thought. have you ever sat down with the daughter and talked to her about what she would want from yours and hers relationship? Or told her how you feel about her and how you would like to work on your relationship? Maybe ask her opinion on ways to bond and make a good friendship between the two of you? Clearly she has something against you. Maybe going straight to the source would help instead of going through her dad. That might be making her resentful towards you when she hears it from her father.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/24/2012

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And once again, do you have ANY bio children yourself???? Please answer that.

Lacye - posted on 10/24/2012

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"Its always difficult for children when their parents have new relationships but if the person is welcomed by the mother and respected by the father, it is easier. children learn from their role models."



That's the thing though. You aren't welcomed by the mother or respected by the father if he is allowing her to act this way. I know that sounds harsh but it's the truth.



Sometimes when they get that age, you just have to step back and do a little bit of reevaluating. Talk to your boyfriend about her behavior and your feelings about how she is treating you. What does he have to say about all of this. When she starts to act like a brat, just walk away from her. Doesn't matter if she is talking to you or not. If she asks you why you walked away, just tell her that when she starts being nicer to you, you will be more willing to talk with her.



I know it doesn't sound like much but it does work with some kids. I don't honestly know if it will work with this particular one, but if she sees that it bothers you, she will only do that more and more.

Holly - posted on 10/24/2012

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that is understandable, and i am very sorry that it had to come to this, i hoped that you you would have found the supportive advice you needed before it came to you having to leave.

Holly - posted on 10/24/2012

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I know you are not, sorry i took the link out, because i don't want the site to be flooded with bio moms going crazy the way they do here...i am a step mom as well as a bio mom, and i know that bio moms can be CRAZY!!!!! they love to dictate how YOUR house is going to be run, they love to call ALL OF THE FREAKING TIME! i had to put my foot down on that one, when we were receiving either a text (or a mass of texts) or a phone call EVERY day, it got to be too much, my life was honestly being bombarded by biomom. NOT a healthy thing for me or MY kids, and honestly it didn't benefit SD either. I could understand if this was actually benefiting my step daughter the communication would be fine, but it wasn't

Rose - posted on 10/24/2012

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Thanks holly..... I appreciate that.. its not a new relationship, its four nearly five years old now...I have exhausted all my options and I refuse to be treated like crap any more so I'm leaving the relationship.. the advice from biological parents is baffling sometimes.. so unintelligent ...



I would like to see them deal with that situation.. I was and tried to be a friend to her .. we lived together for a year but it became more and more challenging and she manipulated her mum and her dad. she was constantly talking about her mum to try and make me jealous, constantly

comparing, us.. it was a living nightmare..(this would happen continually and I mean all the time she knew what she was doing... )



Her father could not see any of this. she really was so manipulative and yet I stayed with him.. but I know now that its wrong to give children that much power and adults need to set the boundaries so children feel safe... I work with children of divorce so i know what im talking about im afraid and its time to end he relationship as I've exhausted all the skills I have in my tool kit

Rose - posted on 10/24/2012

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Thank you Holly. Yes I will do that, thanks for listening, I am not some stereotype of a wicked stepmum and refuse to be labelled with that .. I am a very caring individual with many maternal facets who loves children.



I loved this man enough to take on his child, who was resentful and pure nasty.. know what that's like to feel such hatred form a child when you've done nothing but happen to fall in love with their father? Its awful and makes you feel terrible....



its not a new relationship its four nearly five years old.. nothing is changing... the ex wife is a nasty piece of work and its a no win situation... as the father will not change as he will not rock the status quo

Rose - posted on 10/24/2012

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I disagree little miss cant be wrong and as many Family Therapists say, the relationship between the adults has to come first. We did live together for a year but the child was challenging, as was the mother. I find your reply sanctimonious, sorry. I was wanting support not more abuse!!



Its always difficult for children when their parents have new relationships but if the person is welcomed by the mother and respected by the father, it is easier. children learn from their role models.



I was and tried to be a friend to her, really ignored all the nasty behaviour to try and build a relationship. in the end it was nigh on impossible. And grown up sexual love, of course is different to the love for a child. A child needs boundaries and to know their place so that they are safe and do not take on adult responsibilities... I work with children of divorce, so I know what I'm talking about....



I was not expecting such a curt and witless response.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/24/2012

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And yes. If you are uncomfortable with the situation, and are not willing to realize his daughter comes first and most likely always will, this may not be the right relationship for you. If it does continue, you could potentially be a step parent in the future. If you do not build a good relationship with his daughter, it will be hell. Always. He may love you, but his daughter comes first. Rightly so.

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