High Conflict Divorce with a 19th month old- Father is a Pathological/

Natalie - posted on 12/16/2015 ( 24 moms have responded )

22

0

6

Need help.. Guidance anything.. I left my husband when my baby was 2 months do to drug and alcohol, and was verbally and emotionally abusive. He doesnt want the baby, he is just using the baby for revenge. He is very angry I left, because he doesnt have control of me anymore. He has assaulted me and was charged with 3 counts. He has neglected our child, my baby has come home with bruises and bumps at 3 months old, scratches and sores on ankles, diaper rash, contact dermatitis( was put on steroids at 3months, LSW also got involved) he has been left unattended in a car in hot weather, his dad doesn't give him any of his medications that the doctor recommended and I have asked him to give our child. My baby comes home and needs ALL my attention, he constantly hugs and kisses me, he continually says mama, he doesn't want me out of site. He doesn't get the love and affection at his fathers, and it is killing me and it is also hurting my child. My baby knows what love and security is and he know that I give that to him all the time. He fears going with his dad for visitation, he shakes his head NO, clenches my shirt and starts crying every time. His father doesnt care. My son, had his 18month shots the other day and his father was there he had visitation from Monday afternoon to Tuesday Afternoon (25 hours) my child upon seeing me at the doctors office jumped out of his fathers arms and into mine and started hugging me and saying mama, mama, mama. He did not want anything to do with his dad. The entire MD visit he didnt leave me,especially after he got his shots because he knows I take care of him when he is in pain. My son had a severe case of hand foot mouth and his daddy did not give him ANY Advil or Claritin for 25 hours (for 25 hours my child suffered) when my son got into the car that day he was scratching and giving a sad, painful face ;-( (that killed me inside to know that his father didn't give him anything and the father parents were there too. Back to the MD visit- I attempted to put my child in his fathers car-into the carseat, my son, screamed bloody murder he stopped when I took him out but when his father yanked him out of my arms he continued to scream bloody murder, I suggested to my ex, let me drive him to your house so he can calm down ( only 5 min away from his place) he said NO (here I am trying to co-parent). My baby continues to cry and is reaching his arms out for me, kicking and screaming when is father is holding him, he goes to the opposite of his truck (drives side) turns to me with our child in his fathers arm, screaming for his mommy (My ex says to our child-"oh look at your mommy- isn't your mommy so great, look at your mommy she's a really good mommy as my child is reaching for me-he is torturing our son- and i believe that is Parental Alienation - please correct me if Im wrong) My son was crying so hard he thought up and I told my ex that earlier but he didn't believe me, when our son threw up my ex turned the other way so i would see it (too late). My baby continued to cry for me, but my hands were tied. His father wasn't co parenting and allowing our child to suffer. So with all the crying, getting shots, not being with his mommy, his father not giving him his medications ( so with all of this he is very congested and not feeling well)his father takes him home and drops him off with a babysitter and is out for several hours, he arrives home 10min before I need to pick him up. I could have taken our son from his father at the MD visit, and cared for him but his father is using our child as a pawn and it is not fair to this 19month old.
Suggestions?? thoughts??? I need some help. He is also an alcoholic the judge told him that he needs to stop, well he hasn't all screens are coming back positive for ALCOHOL in his system. He is not suppose to have an ETOH in his system while he has visitation.
He also lies on what he does for our son- he is putting our sons life in danger. He allows him to cry at night until he vomits, my son comes home with broken blood vessels, exhausted, and starving. This is every week.

He lied under oath and wanted me to go to jail for 3 days. I was found in contempt and it was bc of him lying- i didn't go to jail. He ran fro a court ordered breathalyzer and he wasn't found in contempt. No matter what he always blames everything on me, he see himself superior better then everybody and his family acts the same.His sister is going through a divorce and she had her lawyer write on a letter to my ex brother in laws lawyer that I had abandoned my family and I am in contempt 4 times (THIS IS ALL A LIE) This is slander. Is there anything I can do?

He told the court he can take care of the baby sun-mon ( every Monday he has a babysitter for him- when I have told him I can watch our child- he won't tell me who the babysitter is and the Parenting coordinator doesn't do anything about it (thats a different story in itself)

this is just some of the stuff that has happened over the past year ;'''(
We are still waiting for our final custody hearing.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Sarah - posted on 12/16/2015

9,005

0

22

When your child was left in a hot car, were the police called? CPS? If he is continuing to fail urine screening, why has he not been held in contempt.
I do not advise breaking the law and refusing to send your child with his father. You could lose him for good if you did. Why do you believe he doesn't love his son? I get you don't like this guy and he sounds like he is not paying close attention to your child's needs. The behavior you describe is typical for a 19 month old, to cry for mama and want to be with you over dad as well. So I would not be quick to jump to say he cries for you because dad is hurting him,
If your child is truly coming home dirty, with broken blood vessels, exhausted and starving every week, then take him to the ER or urgent care to let a doctor examine and photograph his body. The doctor is mandated to call CPS if there is neglect or abuse. Having a medical professional build a file of the state of your son's health will be far more persuasive then documentation you provide.
You two made this baby together and until deemed unfit you both have equal right to parent this child. Check out this link, one of the most knowledgeable moms put together this information.

http://www.circleofmoms.com/welcome-circ...

Sarah - posted on 12/18/2015

9,005

0

22

First whether you want child support or not, file for it and if you don't need it save it for the baby to use for a car, college or whatever.
Secondly, the definition of parental alienation is:
"Parental alienation (or Hostile Aggressive Parenting) is a group of behaviors that are damaging to children's mental and emotional well-being, and can interfere with a relationship of a child and either parent. These behaviors most often accompany high conflict marriages, separation or divorce."
This child obviously has a good relationship with mom so dad can't really be accused of alienation. The incident described where he was saying " says to our child-"oh look at your mommy- isn't your mommy so great, look at your mommy she's a really good mommy as my child is reaching for me-he is torturing our son-" IMO is inconclusive as I don't know what context these things were said.
I don't see how a man could run from a court breathalyzer and not be found in contempt, it just make no sense; especially when mom has been found in contempt 3 times for "his lies" (what did he claim anyway?)
If your child has been injured as many times as you describe, why is CPS not all over the case? A chipped cheek bone, gash on the chin (did it need stitches) and diaper rash that started and became so bad in 24 hours the skin broke down; would all require ER visits. If he openly admits, "I do not give the prescribed medication" he is being neglectful and CPS should be on that as well. Get your child's entire medical record and present it to the court.

Joseph - posted on 12/18/2015

3

0

0

Court orders are important, being truthful and prayer. I feel you should pray for God's help and "His" Will to be done. I also feel it is not good to sabatoge either parents right's to parent or have visitation, but it must not be negative, so prayer, court, and counseling or maybe combination counseling w supervised visitation so he doesn't do damage. Kids will often not want to go with the non custodial and hear what parents say about each other so, beware planting seeds that (even may be true) are negative.

Prayer, forgiveness and kindness, and "Court" and do not over compensate or baby the children or try to be a father. Pray for him too, as it seems from your comments he needs it.

God Bless and good luck

Raye - posted on 12/18/2015

3,761

0

21

So you're going through the divorce process now? You HAVE TO go to court to get formal custody/visitation and child support. Nobody enjoys the process, but you HAVE TO do it! During court, remain as calm as possible. Tell the truth. Provide the evidence. Ask for physical custody for yourself, and supervised visits for the father with a neutral party. Your lawyer should be giving you advice on the process and what to expect.

Parenting issues affecting a child’s best interest may not be determined in any legally binding way by anyone other than the court. It's my understanding the PC generally can't take either parent's side, and (if there are no court orders) they cant take any "action", only make suggestions to each parent on how to communicate and parent more successfully. You should find out if the PC can testify in court against the father if he has not followed the suggestions or tried to resolve conflict.

You do not have to give the grandparents or babysitter any time with the child. If the father is not spending time with the boy, then he should be with you or someone you trust. Talk to your lawyer about filing for "emergency temporary custody". You have to show that there is *current* potential for danger to the child. The judge will review past evidence, and determine if the current circumstances would put the child in danger.

Raye - posted on 12/17/2015

3,761

0

21

You must file for child support through the courts. Then if he doesn't pay, they can follow up on it. You can't expect he'll just hand over money to you or buy you stuff. He should be buying the necessities (food, clothes, etc.) for when he has the child at his place, but he doesn't have to buy things for your place. You should be sharing the major expenses with education, medical, etc., but everyday stuff is each your own until you get support set up in court.

You must get custody/visitation set through the courts. Then each parent will know their rights. You are correct, that he needs to communicate with you regarding medications and the child's needs. Facts are, unless you're spying on them, you don't know what happens when he has the child. How do you know he lies about everything? How do you know for sure that the child's basic needs aren't met? If you are unsure about whether the child was given medicine, then don't give more until enough time has passed for the next dose. If the child does without, that is not good, but it's the best you can do with the information you're given.

Him taunting the child when he takes him from you is just being petty and immature. But if he doesn't get a response from you, then he'll learn he can't use that as a weapon. You give him the power to upset you. The more you show it, the more he'll do it. Keep calm and cool as much as possible. It is very, very sad that he can't be an adult about things and do what is in the best interests of the child. But you can't control him. You can only make sure the child is well cared for with you.

24 Comments

View replies by

Natalie - posted on 12/18/2015

22

0

6

Child support Was suppose to be heard in October 2014 my ex postponed 4 times, it will be heard at final custody

My baby is 18 months old- when my ex was saying that my child was crying because he wanted his mommy, and his father would allow me to comfort him. My ex did this bc my baby was reaching his arms out to me so sad.

I can't believe it either that he got away with that- I swear he is paying off someone. My old lawyer did not step up to the plate and defend me. He ran from a breathalyzer I withheld my child I was not even in contempt for withholding my child I was in contempt for ruining my ex dinners plans ( had reservations- like I would know he had plans) That's what I was found in contempt for.

CPS was involved 2 times didn't see anything wrong.

I have spoke with my child's pediatrician and they documented it. It's a small town and no one wants to step on anyone's toes.
I told them does something have to seriously happen to my child for something to be done?? My baby is in danger.

Yes he has admitted he doesn't give him the meds.

Thanks you for the post

Natalie - posted on 12/18/2015

22

0

6

Jessica-

You have any specifics to document what does the court truly looks at and listens too? Any feedback is great!

What type of visitation would you think with all of this going on.

Natalie - posted on 12/18/2015

22

0

6

Joseph-
Thank you.nothing is said to the child or in front of the child but when a child is so attached to there mother and the father is " torturing" the child parental alienation when the child is screaming for his mother and reaching for me is so sad. If my ex is doing this in front of me i assume that he is doing it while I'm not in his presence?

Jessica - posted on 12/18/2015

3

0

1

Document document document
Do nothing for the system to question your character.

Natalie - posted on 12/17/2015

22

0

6

Sarah-
There is a lot more to the story. The child support doesnt bother me, I have been supporting myself and my child for 19 months now, paid all hospital bill. I handed my ex a hospital bill and he told me " you wanted the kid, you pay it" How can someone say that. As for the medication yes he has admitted it, my baby was in pain, had sores all over his body the doctor recommended this treatment and on top of that an antihistamine for the itching. My ex didnt give anything, Now he only has him 1 overnight. He is allowing his own child to suffer. The grandparents and babysitter are also guilty because they have been taking care of my child when he is in pain and do not give him anything. My child has come home these are all different visitations: with diarrhea all over him, chipped cheeks bone ( he tried blaming me at the MD visit), gash to his chin (lied about that), Severe diaper rash with skin tears, broken blood vessles, fever(s), he has come home starving, smelling like puke, His grandparents at my pickup time said to me, "the baby pooped less then 5 min ago" One would think that the diaper was changed, right? As soon as his grandpa shut the door i smelt something, they never changed his diaper. I had to change the baby diaper in the car because they didn't. They have asked for MORE time with there grandchild, and they drop him off at a babysitter ALL day (this is the father and grandparents) There is just so much that it is unbelievable. Its ashamed how someone can do this to there child.
Am I wrong. I know I am not perfect believe me, but this is a baby, This child cannot speak for its self.
How can i describe all of this to the court? Any specific wording? This has been a miserable 18 months. I never believed in divorce but when you are verbally and emotionally abused, have been lies too consistently, drinking and drugs behind my back I had to get out before it was to late. People tell me I am brave for doing this with such a newborn. My baby and I were not safe.

Do you have any suggesting on a parenting plan?

I don't want to have to go to court this has been a high conflict divorce, PC was involved but y ex doesn't want to move forward with it ( when he asked the court for it)

Sarah - posted on 12/17/2015

9,005

0

22

You cannot equate his financial contribution with his parenting skill. Even is he is a total stiff on child support he may well be a loving father.
How do you know he never give medication as prescribed? Does he admit it to you? This seems to be a sticking pint for you, and rightfully so, but I can count on one hand the time each of my kids has needed to be on medication.

Natalie - posted on 12/17/2015

22

0

6

Thank you. I have a new lawyer and she is a fighter. I appreciate any suggestions.
Thank you

Natalie - posted on 12/17/2015

22

0

6

I have not been hateful- I have tried tartest but he lies about everything, be honest the truth won't hurt and there would be a possibility I will regain his trust. He continues to lie about our child what happens if he did give him the medicine and I gave him another dose. who is a risk here? The baby- that is serious.
We have a PC involved but my ex doesn't want to communicate he told our PC that. I communicate what is needed i include the facts and that is it, when I do tell him something it is what the doctor recommended. What it comes down to is the child, is it ok for our baby to suffer in pain? Put yourself in my sons shoes- you are in pain cant express it, and you go 25 hours with no thing? how would you feel? Believe me I look at it at every angle. I wanted to be amicable I wanted to be friends with my ex bc thats what was best for our child, but he wants to play a game. He is using the baby as revenge- Not one penny for child support, asked for a box of wipes and he didnt even buy them for me. I have asked the PC what else we can do and she was speechless- I am trying here I want it to work out but he is so angry, that he doesn't have the control, he tries to but I do not take it.
I didnt want to go to court for a judge to decide custody but he insists he wants to run me out of money.

Any suggestions on parenting plans and/or Custody.

Raye - posted on 12/17/2015

3,761

0

21

In thinking more about this, I keep coming back to the mindset that if both people are hateful to each other, then nothing gets better. it causes more stress on each of the parents and on the child. At some point someone should be the better person and adult the heck up. If the OP were to swallow her pride, tell the father "you know what... I'm going to trust you. The only way to learn how to parent is to be trusted to parent. So I'm not going to call to check up anymore. I'm not going to bicker and argue. Enjoy your time with your child", what's the worst that could happen? He can't be much worse than now, right? And by showing him a little trust, he may want to actually earn it. And it may help your child through the transition, because mommy's not so upset. Your son will pick up on you being more calm, and he will be more calm. I don't see a down side.

You should definitely still collect evidence against him if there's reason to believe he's mistreating the child, and present that evidence in court. But until then it can't hurt to try to make things more civil and less stressful for all three of you.

Raye - posted on 12/17/2015

3,761

0

21

Sounds like maybe you need a new lawyer. I agree with the other ladies. Keep documenting everything, file police reports, take the child to the doctor if there's visible signs of distress or abuse, and present the evidence to the court. Don't take matters into your own hands by keeping the father from the child, as that could backfire on you. Don't call the father during his time unless it's an emergency. If you advise him about the child's medical needs, don't say it in such a way as to imply (or outright accuse) him, present the facts of the matter in a calm way (i.e. "according to the doctor's instructions, please give him [this] dose of [that] medicine every [so many hours]"). If he doesn't, you can't control that. You did your part by relaying the instructions, and you will do your part again once the child is returned to you.

Natalie - posted on 12/17/2015

22

0

6

Yes a Police report was filed, and CPS has been called nothing was done. Yes there are doctors reports.
I was only in contempt because he lied, about the facts, and my lawyer didn't speak up. I know I was not in contempt. I am protecting my child from a father who is a drunk and will not give up alcohol for his child. drug screens have been all positive for alcohol

Jodi - posted on 12/16/2015

3,561

36

3907

I was wondering the same thing as Sarah - when he was left in the hot car, what was done about it? Were the police or CPS called? With regard to the physical abuse, are there doctor's reports? If not, you NEED to make sure you get proper documentation of these incidents.

In the meantime, if you continue to accumulate contempt charges, you may end up losing your child altogether - you can't keep doing that.

Natalie - posted on 12/16/2015

22

0

6

Yes and it was a joke. Of course they call you ahead of time, so he was on his best behavior. He is a great sweet talker and story teller. He is a charmer.

Natalie - posted on 12/16/2015

22

0

6

Its been hell. I document everything.
How can a judge allow a father to have joint custody or every other weekend with a parent that neglects his own child and the grandparents and babysitter are also guilty of neglect because they have been present and know to give out child medicine.
He didn't even want me to spend my first mothers day with my child. Thats what kind of sick person he is.

Natalie - posted on 12/16/2015

22

0

6

Julie-
Thank you I do document everything, i take pictures of his poop, butt crack you name it. It is so sad, that my child has to go through this. He is torturing his child. I fear that something is going to happen to my baby, and I cant do anything. My lawyer says that he is going to get every other weekend with a Wednesday 3 hr visit- I cant imagine 2 overnights in a row away from me, his father never takes him to the doctor there have been a dozen times where I have had to bring my baby to the doctors after overnight visitation because he was sick, he's had fevers and ear infections (my ex excuse was he was fine with me I do think in 10 min a baby can get sick like that I have pictures to prove it too.
He is a sick person- and needs serious help- He calls me controlling because I tell him what the doctor says, I text him at night when he has our child just asking how is our baby? I never got a response well if I did it would be nasty saying don't degrade my parenting, don't interfere with my time. First off I texted my ex at night when I know our baby is sleeping and how does that degrade your parenting skills. He is not following the parenting guidelines.

Julie - posted on 12/16/2015

3

0

2

My advice would be to document everything. Take pictures of your child after visits. Get third parties to witness your son's condition upon him coming from his father's. My heart goes out to you and your son.

Lisa - posted on 12/16/2015

4

0

1

Hi,
Gee you are doing it tough. I am not sure where you live(I m in Australia), but I am thinking legally if you have current court orders in place, here if you can prove the child is being abused then just don't send him to his father's. In Australia breaking court orders is done regularly if you can prove to the authorities that abuse is happening and the child is unsafe. Take pictures, take your child to a doctor and get them to write a letter about what is happening.
The reason I know this is that it happened to us. I have two step children and a crazy mother to the step children. The ex got upset over some minor thing so took it out on my husband by denying his visits from his children. Despite court orders she did not allow the children to see us for four months. She went to a doctor and psychologist and manufactured a story that the children were in danger(totally ridiculous, they are much safer with us!) The system is ridiculous because it stuck. There were no punishments for her for breaking court orders even when it was proven she was lying.

My best advise is document everything, so when you break the orders you have a solid reason for doing so...I think the doctor wrote in her letter that the children were scared and felt unsafe and should not see their father until further notice....worth a try!...good luck

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms