His ex wife makes me angry

Lily - posted on 07/04/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My husband and his ex communicate to organize child care. Each time they do, I get angry and frustrated. I know there is nothing to worry about but can't help how I feel. This is destroying my self confidence and our relationship. I really need help. What can I do to overcome these feelings?

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Jodi - posted on 07/04/2016

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Firsly, with regard to the money, does your husband have a child support order? If not, encourage him to get one, then money won't be a topic of discussion because he will be paying what he is ordered to pay, or what is set out in an agreement.

Secondly, with regard to her continuing to be part of the family, I don't personally see an issue with that. She is the mother of their grandchildren. She SHOULD be encouraged to have a positive relationship with them in the best interests of the children. My husband's ex and he haven't been together for over 20 years, and his ex still is involved with his mother - visits with her new family all the time. In a way, the mother of their grandchildren will always be somehow linked as part of the family. That doesn't mean you are any less, just that she isn't doing anything wrong.

Ev - posted on 07/06/2016

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Lily--I know it is hard from your side of things but I have to say if the mother is visiting them now that is between the parents and her. She is still in a sense extended family and these are the kids' grandparents you are talking about here. And they can have some sort of relationship with her. And if she is bringing the kids of her own accord to see them, that is good for the kids. As for his paying over and beyond his support obligations that is up to him. Mom can say all she wants about a lot of things but in the end unless he decides he is paying too much for things, there is not much to change his mind at this point. This is going to be going on until all kids are 18 or so.

Nadine - posted on 07/06/2016

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He pays more, and sees his children more? Sounds like a damn good father and man. You should be proud that your husband is such a good father. My partner is the same. Always going that extra mile for his kids.

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Lily - posted on 07/04/2016

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They have a court order for child support and also for visitation. He pays more than what the court order instructions are and sees his children a lot more than what was agreed on.
As for visiting his parents, I agree that she is the mother of their grandchildren, and they feel that way for sure. However, from what I have been told, she didn't visit them before.

It s my issue I know. I just need to get a grip and not be so threatened.

Lily - posted on 07/04/2016

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She always complains in front of the kids that she may lose her job, but never does - she keeps getting promotions too - and that she doesn't have enough money... She makes three times what he earns! It is his issue and only he can say no.

She also goes to visit his parents and has since their divorce and our marriage, started acting like the daughter she never was to them. Even butts in to tell him how he has to be with his parents.

Sphe has told her that it is not her concern, that she isn't part of the family anymore. But she won't stop.

Sarah - posted on 07/04/2016

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I'd be upset about the money too. He can refuse, even in front of the kids. He can simply refuse to discuss it in front of the children. That issue is one HE need to end. If someone gave me money every time I asked, I wouldn't stop either.

Lily - posted on 07/04/2016

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Sarah, I realize that harbouring these feelings is affecting us... And also affecting how I behave when she is around. It's not healthy for me as I am the one suffering the most. I need to find a way of letting it go and trusting that time will resolve all. Thank you

Lily - posted on 07/04/2016

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She uses the children to get money off him, way more than what their support agreement calls for, and does this in front of the children so he can't refuse. He now pays her more than what the courts have decided, pays for many extras, and takes the kids after school every day, so now she doesn't have to pay for after school care. This means we hardly have time together and any extra penny we may have, is no longer available for us to use for what we need. I realize he is making the choice to do all this, and that it is out for guilt. This is part of why I am angry

Sarah - posted on 07/04/2016

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Feelings are feeling and they are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong. It is what you do with those feelings that matters. If you nag, beg or plead for constant reassurance; you may push your spouse away. If you bury them and say nothing; you may build resentments against your spouse that are unfounded. Finding a way to quiet your mind, remembering you trust your hubby, he loves you and you can do nothing about his ex may make you feel much better. Sounds like you are on that track already.

Ev - posted on 07/04/2016

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I do not get what you are scared of happening. Seeking pro help is a good idea. You have known he has kids with someone before you came along and it will be that way until tey are 18 years old. He is going to communicate more than for just child care. There going to be other things they have to communicate.

Lily - posted on 07/04/2016

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I have been in therapy for a few months, this seems to be the one issue I have been unable to resolve. My husband is very understanding.

Dove - posted on 07/04/2016

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Seek therapy. It is probably something that you should have dealt w/ long before he became your husband, but since you didn't... do it now.

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