Housewife raising my three biological children and two step-kids

Jackie - posted on 09/03/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I did a room change and my stepson got mad and move out! Did I do wrong?

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Jackie - posted on 09/05/2013

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Ladies, thanks for postings your thoughts and opinions. I think I need to be more clear about my situation. I have been posting bits and pieces. I will be very upfront because one who wants to get a true advice, first must be honest to one self and the others.

My husband and I have one year married, but living together ten. His ex-wife and I used to work for the same institution many years ago. We were only colleagues nothing more. Their marriage ended, he moved in with me we had a our first child who is now eight-years-old and five year later our daughter who is now three-years-old. I have a daughter from my first marriage, she was only three when I divorced. Now she is fifteen-years-old. I thank God for having such an understanding child. The divorce affected me more emotionally then her. Although, when I introduced my boyfriend to her she didn't took it too well, so it took few weeks for her to get used to. She has always being respectful to my family circle and his dads, since I always encouraged her to be the best she can be. I have no problems with her at all, nor any with her dad and his new family. I pad myself from raising her the right way regardless of the divorce. We both grow strong in such situation. In contrast, my husbands ex-wife was the reverse. She sold the house, rumored in and out of the institution about her divorce and bad mouthing her ex-husband, did a scandal about it. Used her children as assets to get even with their father and as well she thought why not her do the same to him (cheat). She even said in numerous occasion that she was going to turn their children against their own father. So her journey began, and now ten years later, still bitter and although she has never said anything to my face she has accomplished not only that but for her children to hate me. As a result, its being very difficult for me or their dad to manage his children. I have tried, put up, being patient but after all this years the situation gets worse and uncomfortable. I know that my step-kids will never accept me, they have so much hate and forget about me, their dad, they are straight out rude. Because mom doesn't speak well of him and even lets the kids hear the bad conversations she has with him over the phone. She has set the example to her kids. Moreover, my husband hates to hear her called to complain about the kids, the oldest doesn't care, the youngest tattle tells and openly lies about how things really are. Dad, rather just not say much to the kids because he wants to avoid problems. He doesn't allow me to discipline, he rather do it himself, of which is fine with me as long as he does, which he only tells them to be nice. That is it. His not firm, consistent nor a good listener. Their his children and to me I believe he is happy to have them around in our house, and during that short time well, why scold the kid for wrong doing or saying. I don't know if he ignores or don't want to deal with the problems. Conversely, am a listener, a consultant parent I should say. I like order too. RESPECT is huge in my life, family, home, friends etc.

As a result, my husband and I disagree on how we handle situations with his children. I should say his "ORIGINAL" children, that is what his children claim to be because mommy told them so. He lacks to inform the children and this of course causes DRAMA and then the phone rings nonstop. Mom has badly influence too much his own children that she is a big part of the problem. I believe that this two made a choice and need to move on, she needs to start fixing her own children and give them better parenting, goodness she is a Principal. She should know better, but don't let a profession fool you, that doesn't mean you are a good parent. And my husband needs to stop feeling guilty. He devotes more time when they are here with them then with his other two we have together living full-time. But, no big deal to me, am not going to add more tension. But he knows. Other problem is that he sides with the children. This tug-of-wars is getting us no where. I am pretty much tired and run out of patience. I feel like am a wedge, so I want to remove it and let him handle his two children however he wants to, but if they are disrespectful to me or him openly I will not stayed quiet....

Tanya - posted on 09/05/2013

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Being a stepparent is hard... being the child is hard... being the ex-wife is hard...being the father/husband is hard.

I don't think we can judge anyone in this situation because we are not in it and everyone has feelings. No one is to blame and they need a serious family meeting this has gone on for way to long. I believe that it is just a force of habit now to treat each other the way you do.

Barnitra - posted on 09/05/2013

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Based upon your comments: You continue to make excuses for yourself. I agree ex-wives can make things very difficult for the new wife. But, you must separate the issues instead of consolidating into one issue. You are a housewife... when your kids are not so nice do you stop doing? Of course not! Your step children did not ask to be placed in this difficult blended situation. ALL the adults involved has to take responsibility. All your actions has been revengeful because you don't feel the children are acknowleding you the way you want them to. That is not right! Kids don't always say thank you or show daily gratitude for what you do. Get over your feelings. Or go to work! You signed up to be a housewife and your husband expects you to care for his children just as you care for your own and nothing less. Those children are not recieving you because inspite of your words your actions and feelings are NOT in their best interest. You are the biggest problem and if you don't realize it... this will end your marriage. Men may not act right away but when you least expect it and the children have been long gone, he remembers the way you were. We the children are gone away and don't call or write him because they held on to the fact he allowed you to treat them this way. He will remember and it could cause major problems in your marriage. Do the best you can do and deal with it... don't make excuses and blame the children. Because they are children. No that if you are a good mother to all the children and keep doing RIGHT inspite of CHILDrens behavior then you will see that those children will get older and develop more respect for you and may even apologize for not giving you a chance. But, right not your actions is out of spite and revenge. You are making the situation worst.

Barnitra - posted on 09/05/2013

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Hello,

I don't know your personal situation, however with the limited information I can say this.. the room change was not the problem. It is more about how you handle the situation. Naturally you are impartial to your own children, however you must make a diligent effort to supress that past behavior because you decided to marry a man with children. The first question to ask yourself, did I consider this child's feelings? Did I consult him with regards to what I would like to do? You are the new person he has been there you cannot come into his home and personal space and displace him. In a child's mind he is now dividing his father up into shared pieces with you and his children and then you displace him my taking his room. Why did you feel it necessary to take his room? Because it was bigger, better or best for what YOU WANTED? Sometimes, you need to give it time. If he was old enough to move out you should have been patient enough for the child to get accustome to the idea and ASK/CONSULT and maybe let his father discuss with him. Don't ever blame a child.. they are entitled to their feelings but as adults we have take full responsibility for the entire situation. Now, the son has to know there is a new family in his space although he may not have liked the decision his father has made... he still has to live with the situation. But, the worst thing you can do is develop or be the cause of a wedge between he and his father. As you know marriages aren't always forever and this is the first step to a big problem in your marriage. You asked the question for a reason! Own it!

Jackie - posted on 09/04/2013

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Thank you Tanya for your advice. I have in the beginning done one on one with his daughter and it backfired. The mom would call my husband furious that is her mom what every right to that. Anyway, I continue one on one when neded, and the same thing happened. I don't intend to give up regardless, I can't shake the feeling of them two disrespecting me and my house. My husband snn I are authority and they are children that need guidance and that is what we are there for. I have openly too tell her that I don't intent to replace her mother but she needs respect me and all in our house. My husband just don't want me to talk to her about any incidents or discipline. I have told him that if its something that can wait Shen he gets home, am okay with that. Otherwise, if discipline is needed immediate am not going to hesitate. They are under my care and I will respectfully going to takes matters. His boy on the othethand,has always being strongly rude and has anger issues. So, I don't want to put my self in a situation that I can cross the line. However, I do give my husband tips and advice. By he problem is, he feel guilty for the divorce and my conclusion is that he tries to conpensate by not scolding them when they come over. Moreover, he is not a good listener, can't find the words to talk to them and don't follow through or is not consistent.

Tanya - posted on 09/04/2013

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I don't have a step parent, but my husband does.

I'm going to give you the best advice I can... I might be wrong but I think you need to make a bigger effort for your husband... not the children. You have 3 other children watching what's going on, remember that.

My husband's father did not even come to our wedding or see his granddaughter (his only grandchild, 4 months now). My husband is an only child. We blame his wife... I have a ton of examples of the reason I know it's because of her that they did not come to our wedding or see our daughter but I won't get into that. Now both my husband and his father are hurting because of her. She came into my husband's life when he was about 11. She did a lot of good things for him...if it wasn't for her he wouldn't be a lawyer, he wouldn't have done a lot of activities. But because she is so nasty, we tend to forget all she has done.

The children's ages play a huge factor... most teens are like that.

I think you should take each child alone with you for an activity that they like and actually talk to each one individually and see where it goes. Tell them how you feel, and ask them how they feel.

I also think you should try speaking with the mother...civilly...LOL. Tell her it's been along time now and its time to bring all this madness to an end. Tell her it's hindering her children. You don't have to be a big happy family but the mother can try telling them to respect you and their father. If they don't respect their family... imagine how they will be in society...they need to learn now that in life sometimes you have to suck it up!

Jackie - posted on 09/04/2013

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My step son has so much hate towards me because of his mother input. I understand divorce is not easy, regardless kids are kids and need adult guidance wether it comes from dads new wife. They don't want me to tell them anything, they are very blinded by the biological mom. He is now 16 a Junior in high school and my step daughter 11 a fifth grader. They don't ever thank me for all I do, instead they complain to their dad why I have to pick them up etc. they don't really make conversation with me and when I ask them to do something they have that long face with negative attitude. The 11 year old even asks why her. Because its being too long of a journey trying to bond as a blended family it just gets harder. So I have made a change in our family. My husband is not happy about it but its because it convenient to him. I decided not to drive the anymore. Just because they don't seem to care and its a bother to them. On the other hand, I have three children to care for and my hubby does not have to worry, I do it all for him but his two other children on me it's just too much, so much they don't care. I feel I need to remove my wedge. I don't like being blame by his children and then deal with the fact that their dad sides with the kids. In our home my children don't complain nor nag about petty things. Am at peace with that, and I don't want to fight or argue with my husband about his children. Do you think me stopping the driving around his children it's wrong concidering the facts I just mentioned?

Jackie - posted on 09/04/2013

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His 16 years old. Has a potty mouth and no respect towards his father. Me, as if I was a ghost. From the beginning we haven't had a relationship, the kids only want to be around their dad and complain if its me who picks them up from school or takes them to sports. I tried for ten years to build a relationship but they are not that I can have. It's impossible.

Jackie - posted on 09/03/2013

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His dad and I have been talking about it and I am very forward with him, but he always hold on to instead of doing what he supposed to. It's been two years since his son stop coming over during the week because he started high school. He even told his dad to give his room to our younger son. After asking my husband to tell his son about it, he didn't why? I know but will explain later. So, finally two days prior I told my honey I was going to do the switch and why-back to school and don't want to hear my son over again and funding him in the mornings in the loft or his other siblings bedroom. He said no wait. I say to him I was and for him to talk to his son. Well, he didn't. Sad is, am always going to be the wedge and it backfires. I told my husband that I had no bad intentions its my house and simply I was accommodating our younger son ,since his oldest is 80% of the time with his mom. But, his son took it all wrong. To be honest, the kids hate me and they really don't know me because since they were little their mom introduce me and their own dad as bad people. For years they were open about telling their dad and our children "I hate you". The oldest would pinch my daughter in the car. They were very childish up to know, and their dad at times sides with them. That is very hard on me.to make matters worse, my husband even apologized for me to him and agreed that what I did was wrong and he didn't approved it. Wow right. So in the end I knew I never did it for a petty reason. I knew he would be upset and would blow it out of proportion making me look bad and another reason for drama. Of course, the mom thinks if was mean, so the son the mother and the father are in agreement and that leaves me where? After all the driving I do for them and cooking and washing am the bad guy. I can't seem to be accepted, they ignore me and rules at home mean nothing to them. This change of room had become a reason for my husband and I a sour grape. For one thing I don't think if was right to apologize for me, now his son won't come. Bug I know them well, even to tell them to pick up after themselves is an offense from me. No, they don't like to be told. They are both a ticking bomb.

Tanya - posted on 09/03/2013

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He moved out because you changed his room?

How old is he?

I think that it is your house and your choice. I don't think you did anything wrong.

However, what was your relationship with him before you did this, did you speak to the children about changing the rooms, were you being spiteful?

You have to reflect on why you changed the rooms...then you will know if you were wrong.

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