How awful some Custodials use the children as leverage.

Megan - posted on 05/29/2011 ( 14 moms have responded )

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As I see it among alot of my clients people I help, I see it more that people use children as pawns. Pay your child support and I'll let you see the children! or .....I dont like the girlfriend/boyfriend your with -My child Isn't going over there !! Or I dont want your family around our children!

I have heard alot and dealt with alot as well. Give and take, either from work or my own life. I am a BM of 2 b.c. (bio children) and SM to 3 (full time) so 5 altogether. Its really hard struggling with EVERYTHING. I see it everyday people use their children as leverage to hurt the other parent. Have you seen this done to you or your dh? Friend/Family?? Wasn't sure if you know what Im talking about. :/

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Dori - posted on 05/30/2011

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@ Andrea i can totally relate my x is on disability ass from gov and doesnt work at all his new wife works from home as a pizza operator for a few hours a day and even though i have said i will pay for extra things for the ie lessons girl guilds he says they are to busy which makes it hard as when the kids are her for the summer i put them in day camps and my son always wants to do soccer but i try to tell him that is something daddy has to do because soccer is a yearly thing not set up for the summer same thing with my daughter who will be 11 in june and she has pretty much stopped asking daughter to do this as she knows and even has said "why he wont sign us up " aaarrrggg

Andrea - posted on 05/29/2011

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My significant other's ex uses their 3 children as pawns- not only to him, but to his mom, too. Jas and I have a son together. His ex tries to pull EVERY angle you can think of. She doesn't work- even though all 3 children are in school, and lives off of the child support and also some state assistance. Then she tries to tell everyone that he is not paying his child support (it's court ordered and taken from his paycheck- so it's virtually impossible that he's not paying it)- he has always paid it. We recently found out she was not paying the $40month bill for preschool for the youngest- and so he was denied getting on the bus. So she's clearly not using the funds towards the children, which is just sad since she uses them to get everything. Jason does not get to see his children often because he has another family. I am a well-rounded individual, who wants nothing more than for his kids to get see their dad, my son to get to to know his siblings. I have no interest in "stealing" her children (this is a fear she has)- she's just a bitter individual. It's a bummer.

[deleted account]

Considering that I'm the only person in my 'circle' of friends that is divorced.... nope, no personal experience w/ it. I do, however, have a ton of personal experience w/ the non-custodial parent being very uninvolved.

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Mercedes - posted on 06/01/2011

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I heard you very loud and clear. What some people do not realize it is the children that is being hurt, used and emotionally used. I have seen alot of moms use their kids to get things they want....if only other people knew what that person is like. I feel for the children..who is their voice in all this?

Andrea - posted on 05/30/2011

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I just had this conversation last night with my stepmom- a Child Support Debit Card would be perfect- just like EBTs, you can only spend them on certain items. After finding out that one of significant other's child's school bill ($40/month) wasn't being paid- AND the last payment that WAS made was by HIS MOM...somehow tabs need to be kept on where the money is being spent. I specifically feel this way because she CHOOSES not work. She isn't NOT in school, she is NOT disabled. And all of her kis are in school. So the state "clocks her in" @ 40 hours/wk, minimum wage, and says that makes her responsible for like $150/month in child support. He pays EVERYTHING else. Because she CHOOSES not to work. Sorry for emphasizing this so much- but all of her children are in school- so there's really not a logical reason why she isn't working. If she doesn't have money to spend on herself, that's not my significant other's problem- she's not receiving any alimony. So ALL of what she receives is intended to go towards the children. Tired of the games she plays. She 32 years old. Time to grow up.

Brittany - posted on 05/30/2011

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My husband and I came to an agreement that IF we ever get a divorce that we would respect each others wishes to not have our children around someone we are currently dating without the other meeting them first. After all this is about the kids.

People using their kids as leverage is a joke. GROW UP!! I would never allow a judge decide when the father of my children could see their daddy or how much my child are worth. NEVER. My husband knows his responsibilities.

I also know that there are men/woman out there that are dead-beats and for that I apologize. Sometimes threatening someone that they can not see their kids until they pay up is the only way to go.

I also believe that if child support is court ordered then it should be taken out of the parents pay check automatically, a letter should be sent to the employer stating this and that once every 6 months the receiving party must show that the money is going to the children. The child support is just that, for the support of the child. Pay rent, bills, school clothes, food NOT beer, drugs or cancer sticks. Just my opinion. Maybe we can even go as far as making a "Child Support Debit Card."

This coming from a women who comes from a "broken" home.

Megan - posted on 05/30/2011

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i know that child support is used to rent, utilities, clothes, food shelter costs.....

Alyssa - posted on 05/29/2011

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I think the most important thing is to NEVER talk badly about the other parent in front of the children. No matter what it is, it is not in the childrens best interests to deal with adult issues. I know this is easier said than done but from personal experience children try to keep both parties happy and are like sponges when they hear information about the other spouse. They want to please you, so they take on board what is being said and visa versa.

If YOU have an issue with the other parent, deal with them directly in the absence of the children. If the child has an issue, arm them with tools to discuss it with the parent and listen to their concerns but don't get involved, you will nearly always have a negative take on the discussion which the child will pick up on.

[deleted account]

Thanks. Doesn't bother ME much... except how it has an effect on the kids. They DO see him and DO talk to him, but it's very rare and random.

Dori - posted on 05/29/2011

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for sure we have dealt with this my BC are with their father (only god nows why the courts went that way but thats a whole other story) after the kids went to stay with him two weeks late rhe informs me that he was moving to another city 3 hours away , he later(1.5years) decided he was going to move back to the same city but changed his mind when he found out that i was having a baby with my new partner and has been playing the same game back and forth since then takes every thing in me not to hire a hitman lol just kidding ....

Megan - posted on 05/29/2011

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yes i thiink courts are really unhappy about this and are trying to change it and it could be or downthe road leading to a chnage of custody!

Alyssa - posted on 05/29/2011

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I know exactly what your talking about since I was in the position as a child. In my fathers eyes, he had "won" if he had us kids.
It is the worst part of separation and divorce, as if it isn't hard enough on children already. Using kids to get back at the other partner is disgusting and should be monitored by courts and/or other departments involved in the process. I know it affected my a lot for many years.

My husband and I have had many discussions about what would happen if we broke up (not that we intend on this happening) but I think it is important to talk about it.

I will not let my children get played.

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