How can i ask my mother to stop disaplining my child infront of me

[deleted account] ( 36 moms have responded )

I'm so fed up with my mother butting in with my discipline all the time. My daughter is almost 3 now and when ever she does something that is out of order, i get down to her level and i try not to shout, i give her a ferm voice and i place her on the naughty step but everytime i do this my mother steps in and keeps taking her off with out asking me and finish's it off for me and then she wont listen to me as she get's angry with me and my mother. I spose she is confussed!!!!! I sometimes don't even get to tell her she's in the wrong as my mother will shout over me and start shoutting at her so she's being told by both that shes naughty. I have tryed sitting down and saying to my mother a good few times but it's like talking to a brick wall, it's okay for a few weeks and then "BACK" to where we were before"........ It's annoying me as then my daughter comes home and hits me and shouts at me and it don't help at the moment as i am 30 weeks pregnant at the moment almost at the end so i am getting abit more frustrated with her attitude afterwards me than normal. I don't know what else to do... HELP MEEEEEE!

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Elfrieda - posted on 08/02/2012

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"Stop it. Don't shout at my daughter. I'm the mom here. You're the grandma." And if you can, go into another room when you correct your daughter and close the door. If your mom follows you in, usher her out saying, "It's okay, I can handle this." and lock the door if you can.

Melanie - posted on 08/03/2012

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Emma, just because you don't like the advice you have been given doesn't mean it is not advice. You asked and others answered, and it is very immature of you to walk out of your own conversation like a pouting baby. Having said that, I will say the advice that you have been given is sound. You can be firm with your mother without being rude and hateful. I would first start by disciplining your child in private. If you discipline in front of others, it makes them feel as though they have the right to input. So, let's say you tell your daughter to do something, she disobeys and needs to be disciplined. Say, excuse me mom, we will be back in a minute. Take your daughter to another room and do like you have been doing. Getting down on her level and not yelling and screaming is great and works wonders. If this doesn't work, I would firmly and politely tell your mom: Mom, when you talk over me and tell her what to do when I am trying to discipline her, you are teaching her to only obey you and not me, and I have a problem with that. I had the same situation with my sister in law, and I nicely told her I needed her to stop, then the problem went away. Furthermore, if this isn't the kind of advice you are looking for, maybe you need to ask yourself what you are really wanting to know and if the question you are asking is the real problem.

Denikka - posted on 08/02/2012

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There we go. That's the part that I forgot to add to my post (I KNEW there was something missing XP)
If you live with your mom and aren't willing to be firm about asking her to back off, you need to move out, plain and simple.
If there is something about a situation that you don't like and find unbearable, then you do something to change it. If you're not willing to do what needs to be done to change it, then you're just going to have to deal with things you don't like then
Good luck

Denikka - posted on 08/02/2012

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I'm agreeing with Dove. Maybe you could use different words, but that's the message you need to get across.
Maybe just a *Mom, I can handle this, thanks* in a firm tone. But you need to take command of your parenting.

Dove - posted on 08/02/2012

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Let her keep running your life and the life of your daughter then..... That seems to be working out great so far...

You ARE the mom here and if talking to your mother calmly hasn't worked... you need to either be firm or live with it the way things are.

36 Comments

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Jacki - posted on 09/05/2012

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I'm sure that she is trying to help and feels like it is acceptable, especially if you are visiting her home. However, I think continuing to talk to her is a good idea. I would suggest pulling her aside when your daughter is not around and explaining to her that you really need her to let you take the lead on discipline. Your daughter needs you to be in charge when you are there, because you are the ultimate authority. If your mother has suggestions for you and you are open to hearing them, offer to listen to her suggestions in private AFTER you have finished disciplining your daughter your way. If she corrects your daughter in front of you or overpowers you, it undermines your authority, and I agree that it is confusing for a young child as well. If she continues to ignore your requests, it may be helpful to take your daughter to a different room to have your talk with her, and you could even choose a time out spot in another room, possibly detering your mother from intervening unneccessarily.

T - posted on 09/05/2012

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You could say to your daughter in front of your mom "I am your mom you listen to me"?? My parents sometimes do that to me but not bad enough for me to say something. Plus sometimes its nice to have their help to an extent. Goodluck!!

Sally - posted on 09/05/2012

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oh, I'd like to add when my daughter does tell them of or put them in time out,all I do is back her. Thats my job as Nanna. To help and support.

Kaye - posted on 08/16/2012

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Day care and a dose of balls. Tell your mother to butt out or no more visits until she recognises that YOU are the mother and her role is advisory only. Good grief, shes missing out on the most wonderful years with you and your children by being so obnoxious and mistrusting of you. you may want to remind her that she raised you and now it is your turn to raise your own. All you want from her is love.

Sally - posted on 08/16/2012

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Emma, I wonder if your not a bit like my daughter. Shes 30 with 3 kids 8 and under and sometimes she gets so tired she just hasn't the energy . She doesn't live with me but when they visit i expect them to respect my home and if mums not going to tell them off ,i will. Not by shouting but tone of voice. My daughter is greatful to allow someone to give her a break. Don't knock your mum if shes doing your job. Oh and before anyone says anything i am very close to my daughter and she'd be happy ro tell me to back of. If you really feel like shes over taking, deal with it. If your happy to hand over now and then except it. Don't mean to be harsh but you can't have it all your way

Denise - posted on 08/16/2012

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I had this issue with my mom for quite awhile. Finally, I had to tell her that even if she didn't agree with my parenting, she needed to respect it. I told her that she already raised her children, and now it was time for me to raise mine. I told her that if she could not respect me as a parent, then I would be forced to limit my (and my children's) interaction with her. We actually went for four months without speaking and without my kids seeing her - this was because she refused to admit that there was a problem and even tried turning my sister against me. Once she realized I was serious, we had a conversation and things are MUCH better now.

Victoria - posted on 08/11/2012

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I live with my mother. OR rather, she lives with me in my house. We had that problem when she first moved in. I allowed too much. I finally told the kids, in front of her, when she spoke that way, "Gramma is NOT in charge. Look at me. Look at Mommy." She was furious. I let her go off but kept the kids attention. She's a LOT better now, because I let her live with some of the consequences of her own actions. YOU give them a cookie when I say no? YOU handle them screaming for more while I go read a book. YOU did this, YOU fix it. They do not behave that way with me, especially when we're alone.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/07/2012

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Stop taking her to your mother's or it's gonna get worse. And tell your mother that until she learn's to butt out and let you handle your child she won't be back.

Bryndís - posted on 08/06/2012

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Try this: The next time your mother starts shouting at your daughter, turn to her (your mother) and shout at her to stay out of it. That should get her attention :) Just use her approach on herself and see how she likes it ;)

Janci Du - posted on 08/06/2012

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Hi Emma,
This is really a hard one! When a mommy is born, so is a granny, hey! We had a similar chat with friends even before our baby was born: How to handle grannies. And from your email I can see you prefer a gentle but firm approach with you child, that's brilliant! Screaming is never a good idea if you ask me. I also think you did the great thing by sitting your mum down and talking to her. Maybe you could also thank her when you see she is actually making an effort to follow your way. If her butting in keeps up, she must understand that you will have to remove your child from the situation for a bit. Not as punishment, but for the sake of your daughter. You being 30 weeks pregnant is already a HUGE thing for your little girl to handle, so your firm discipline is so important for her to feel secure. Boundaries is the key! Good luck!! This is very tricky...

Dora - posted on 08/05/2012

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First of do you live with your mother or depend on her for child care? Does your daughter spend a lot of time with your mother daily?

User - posted on 08/04/2012

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I would say make it very clear to her that she is undermining your authority as a mother every time she "steps in" and that she need to allow you to take care of it if she doesn't then I would tell her that her interfering is causing problems at home and causing you stress and untill you can come to an agreement the. You can not bring your daughter over. With my dad I would have to stop tell him that I was the mother then remove me and my daughter from the house ( normally to the front yard) to finish the discipline. I know she is your mother and it is hard but you have to be firm and stand your ground. This is your child and your parenting choices and your mother should respect that

User - posted on 08/04/2012

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I would say make it very clear to her that she is undermining your authority as a mother every time she "steps in" and that she need to allow you to take care of it if she doesn't then I would tell her that her interfering is causing problems at home and causing you stress and untill you can come to an agreement the. You can not bring your daughter over. With my dad I would have to stop tell him that I was the mother then remove me and my daughter from the house ( normally to the front yard) to finish the discipline. I know she is your mother and it is hard but you have to be firm and stand your ground. This is your child and your parenting choices and your mother should respect that

Stephanie - posted on 08/04/2012

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Simply put your foot down. My husband I had a similar issue with his mother only it was her trying to prevent us from dealing with the kids or calling them away while we were dealing them. My husband simply told his mom (in front of the kids) that it was not her place and she was not to interfere or there would be consequences. We have also taught our children that they are to obey us as the parents before anyone else. We have taught them to come to us if they are not sure what they should do. We haven't had anymore issues in this area. Don't be a doormat stand up for yourself and be the parent of your own child. Sometimes I think us as parents get stuck in the child mindset around our own parents and forget that we are adults.

P - posted on 08/04/2012

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Emma,
Hello and thanks for posting a very good question...I am a Mom Mom of 8.5 I will have another grand in a few months... I have my youngest daughter still living at home with her 4 year old… I can relate.
I think I have learned to respect my daughters discipline over the years and yes we both did have to come to terms about who does what...my daughter works full time and still is in college. My husband and I take care of our granddaughter we were here for her for the first 2 years of her life full time now she is in preschool ( daycare) and we watch her until our daughter is home from school. Phew a lot to explain…lol any way what I am trying to get across is it takes a lot of talking to your mom to have her learn to “switch” off the mother role and become more of the grand mom and to follow, not lead in discipline area. It will work but you have to keep talking to your mom and asking her to let you make the mistakes its your child and thank her for all that she has done and remind her that you need and want her to help with discipline but let you ask for it first…
You may stumble but it’s hard as a parent not to jump in…
Mom Mom of 8.5

Devon - posted on 08/03/2012

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Have you tried playing your mother's game, Emma? Clearly she doesn't respect boundaries and when confronted with it, plays the crying card. That's called narcissistic parenting - she's not responsible for how she makes you feel by undermining your authority and taking over your discipline of your daughter but you're somehow responsible for her tears if you tell her firmly to stop it. She's probably been like this all your life, determinedly pulling the strings, isolating and undermining family members and making herself the centre of everything, even things like your parenting that she should have no roll or say in. So you're conditioned to it and accept it as normal but it's not normal, nor healthy and it's really horrible because she's confusing and lambasting your child and you stand there, doing pretty much nothing because upsetting your mummy is a bigger crime then her upsetting you or your daughter as those things are somehow 'normal' in your family.

When you're ready to put on your big mama pants, wade in and sort her out, you'll have to be not only harsh enough for her to hear you but determined to keep on top of things with her, even so much as limiting contact with her when she misbehaves in that way. When she starts disciplining say 'You're not the mama so until you remember that, we're leaving' and then take your daughter and GO. If you live with her, go to the park or the mall or a friends or the library or any number of places, just remove your daughter from her negative presence. You need to teach her a simple lesson about how to treat you and your child. If she's critical, yells, etc. then you assert authority and leave her. Do it each and every time and eventually that she has to be polite, respectful and in her proper place as grandmother not mother will sink in.

Lynn - posted on 08/03/2012

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DDon't shout go in another room
I don't butt in on my daughter I had my turn now its theirs if they call.t handle and correct it then seek help kids getscared when. Holler at .other the right approach

Chelsea - posted on 08/03/2012

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Emma,
Please don't leave the conversation just because you don't like a few answers. Advice is here to be taken on board or not, it is up to you what you decide- all we can do is offer what we'd do or personal experience and you choose what's right for you.
That being said I have had a similar issue with my aunt. Whenever she comes to visit she manages to completely confuse my daughter by giving her cuddles and telling her she's naughty.
The way I handled it was I'd get to my daughter if she was misbehaving and completely shut her out of the discipline routine. I believe in using the time out spot and I don't use negative personal words such as naughty and bad. I tend to say things like sad or upset and explain why she's doing a timeout... My aunt doesn't understand this.
I like you Emma have tried to sit her down and talk about it but just like you within a few weeks she's back to calling my daughter naughty and threatening smacks while giving cuddles... (wtf kinda message does that send?) so now although I may seem overbearing I always step in and hover close before she can get there then I also use closed off body language to my aunt when dealing with my daughters needs (such as turning my back to her and using my body to block her coming near us).
I hope this helps!

Melodie - posted on 08/03/2012

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I hate to say it, but maybe grandma isn't a positive in your daughter's life. Maybe it is time for grandma to have a time out. I know it is harsh, but your daughter's welfare, emotional and mental, come first.

Emma - posted on 08/03/2012

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Heres another emma! Yay for us but I am a UK one. I hate it when others have a go and don't back down, you probably wouldn't be like that in real life. You need to be firmer with your mum though or she will keep doing it. Be diplomatic but use a tone of voice and look her in the eye when you say it.

Alexandra - posted on 08/03/2012

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you have to talk to your mom all the time if necessary. everytime she does it again, you must talk again. You must do what is best for you and yoru daughter, not your mommy and your daughter.

Corinne - posted on 08/03/2012

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You really need to be firm with your mother and tell her to take a step back. If you are there, you will discipline your child in the way you wish for it to be done. When your mother has your child, she must follow your rules and discipline your child your way. If she won't back off, tell her you are limiting your time with her until she can respect your position as the childs mother. Harsh - maybe, but you need to sort this now, before it gets too far out of control and you have a baby on your hands too.

Aimee - posted on 08/03/2012

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Wow Emma I am sorry! I had a similar problem with my son's uncles. So I finally sat them all down and said look I appreciated the help but when you do that you are taking my authority away. I need for my child to listen to me cause you are not here all the time to "back me up". If you are taking care of my child then please step up and discipline him (not punish) but when I am here then that's my job. You get to be the wonderful/fun uncle. Hope that helps if you are still here

Joni - posted on 08/02/2012

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Truely Emma, until you establish your authority as a mom, your mom will continue to try to control you and your children.
Please be kind and stern w/ your mom. You will have to take the authority and not be mean spirited but stand your ground. God gave you your child, He has given you the tools as a mom to give your child the discipline she / he needs. I love the way you get down eye to eye and calmly discipline. This speaks volumes to your character.
Your mom feels like she is left out. Politely and sternly looking your mom in the eye, state, "Mom, I am her/his mother. I would greatly appreciate it if you would allow me to be the parent." "Grandmas are the fun one!, when I am through you and the baby can have your time."
Then go and discipline your child.
This is affectual whether you live together or not!
Blessings to you as a mommy!!

Amy - posted on 08/02/2012

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Do you live with her? I don't understand why she's always there taking over discipline. Sit your mom down and tell her she needs to stop, that you will take care of discipline when you are around. If she continues to do it say "you're doing it again mom", other than that you can move out onto your own.

Dove - posted on 08/02/2012

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Be firm isn't offering advice? What the hell kind of answer do you want? Tell me and I'd be happy to repost it for you word for word.

[deleted account]

Thats abit harsh don't you think... If i ever spoke to my mother like that, she would be crying.

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