How can I discuss safety concerns with her father without being chastising?

Crystal - posted on 11/17/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )




Hi, pretty new here but I need some advice. I have a 6 month old daughter who is not even 12 lbs yet, she was born 3 weeks early and has some health issues. Her father and I recently went to court to work out visitation. Right now we have a trial in place he is getting her on Saturdays and Sundays from 9-5 and then starting in December he will have her overnights. The first day he was to have her the night before he contacted me and we were discussing what I needed to provide for her while she was in his care, he told me he had blankets, jackets and bottles for her as well as her formula and water and diapers I only needed to provide warm clothes. It has not been over 65 degrees any morning or even when he has picked her up. He shows up each morning with just a receiving blanket to place over her for warmth. This afternoon when he brought her home it was 64 degrees she had no jacket on and was not covered with any blanket. The carseat he has for her is only rated to 29" and she is currently 25 1/4" plus he has covers on the straps that push the breast plate down to in-between her hips and there is no way to place it where it belongs because of the covers on the straps. Lastly he allows her to sleep for extended amounts of time and thus I have difficultly getting her to sleep at her bedtime at night. She has been on a schedule since she was 2 weeks old and has never had any difficulty sleeping through the night, now she does. Also due to her low birth weight and inability to gain weight the pediatrician has her on an increased calorie every 2-3 hour feeding schedule, however when I ask him about her bottles and naps etc he gives me conflicting information, such as telling me she napped at her scheduled time from 11-2 but that she ate at 12. At this point I am concerned about my daughter's safety because of her size and health problems but whenever I try to talk to him about more than giving directions he yells and screams at me in front of my child. How can I discuss these concerns with him and make him realize we have a child that needs a little extra attention?


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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/18/2013




Perhaps it is time for there to be adjustments to the visitation orders to include any doctors orders?

Crystal - posted on 11/18/2013




My daughter is on a regimented feeding schedule due to her inability to gain and maintain weight, she gains less than a half an oz a day. The safety concern with the weather is tho it was 64 degrees it was windy and rainy and he brought her to my door with nothing over her just her clothes which were already wet from her spitting up on them and she has already been hospitalized twice due to upper respiratory infections to prevent them from becoming something more serious. He knows all this as anything medically I share with him when it happens. As for the carseat the breast plate of the straps that is supposed to go across a child's chest in line with their armpits in down sitting on top of the button between her legs and unable to be adjusted up due to the placement of the car seat cover straps. I am not saying that car seat cover straps are not a good idea but not at the expense of the child's safety and properly using the car seat. For a child not so petite this might be ok but she has very little body.

Jodi - posted on 11/17/2013




Ok, while I totally understand as the mother, we become tigers over our children, BUT I personally think you are being a little overbearing in some of this (although because you haven't elaborated on the health problems, I haven't taken this into account too much).

I don't see no blanket, no jacket in a car at 64 degrees as all that bad. She's in the car. He probably has one available to put on her if he needs to. I can't say about how he is placing her in the car seat because I am not able to visualise what you are talking about. But maybe you can just ask him if he had the car seat fittings checked by whoever does the checks in your area.

With regard to her size, just so you know, I get it. I have a daughter who was born below the 3rd percentile with low blood sugar, was in special care for the first 10 days of her life and even I wouldn't be particularly fussed over this. To this day, she is STILL tiny compared to her classmates.

With regard to sleep times, well, that is something you are going to have to get used to. You can't control what goes on in someone else's home. This doesn't sound like a safety concern to me, but rather, a matter of inconvenience. I hate it when my ex used to return my son tired and cranky because of too many late nights, too, but that was not my call.

It would be helpful to know why your daughter has to be on such a rigid feeding schedule. If this is of such a serious safety concern, then maybe take her for a check up to your doctor and have him write up an advisory to both of you on recommendations based on his recent check up of your daughter then tell your ex that you had the most recent check up and hand him a copy of what the doctor gave you as his "recommendations".

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