How Can I get my boyfriend to be a parent more than just at discipline time?!

Ashley0689 - posted on 04/28/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I've been with my boyfriend for a few years, and I love him to death. My daughter was 2 years old when he came into our lives, and I couldn't imagine someone better to spend my life with. I have sole custody of my daughter as her "Father" has never had anything to do with her. My issue right now, is that my boyfriend (Whom my daughter calls Daddy), is a great father, for the most part. When its time to discipline her, he will help. When I am running late for work or just need some "me time" He won't do anything with her. He won't take her to daycare on his days off so that I can just get up and go to work without having to get her ready and off to daycare. He complains when I'm running late on my way home due to high traffic in my commute from the city and he has to go get her cause I won't make it to daycare on time before they close. When her daycare is closed, he would rather I find and pay someone to watch her rather than him taking care of her even though he isn't working on those days for the most part. He considers her his child and tells everyone including her that hes her dad, but when it comes to things like that why am I the only one doing everything??????? It frustrates me to no end, because I work full time 40hrs a week too, and then I have to be the one who gets her up in the morning, get her breakfast, dressed and ready then drive her to daycare, then fly into the city for work, then rush back home so I can get back to our town before daycare is closed to pick her up. On my days off, I don't get that break either! Why should he?!? I don't have the energy to argue about it anymore.... :(

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Raye - posted on 04/29/2015

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Real families help each other out. I help my husband by watching the kids if he has to run in to work, and I take them to scouts, or ballet, or sports if there are conflicting schedules and we can't all go together. I have made breakfasts and lunches and dinners, even though my husband likes to cook more than I do. It sounds like your BF wants all the benefits of being "daddy" without the responsibility. That's not fair to any of you.

Ashley0689 - posted on 04/28/2015

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My honey knew that too. The first time my daughter called him Daddy i tried to correct her and he said "no,its ok with me if its ok with you. I feel like im her Dad."

Michelle - posted on 04/28/2015

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You can't make someone step up and be a parent figure in a child's life that isn't theirs. Raye has some good points though.
All you can really do is sit down and have a talk with your boyfriend and discuss what you would like help with. You could even ask him if he would be the same way with his own children.
My husband treats my 2 older children exactly the same as his own (ours together) and gets them off to activities if I can't. He'll pick them up if I'm working late as well. He knew that when we got married I was a package deal and if he wanted to be a part of my life he would be the "father figure" in my house. My kids love him and they all get along really well.
I have traveled a bit for work and my husband has been home with all the kids and done everything that I did without complaining.

Raye - posted on 04/28/2015

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Well, first, your boyfriend is not her dad. He's not even her step-dad, because you aren't married. He should not be helping to discipline her. That is your job as the natural parent. He should be helping guide her actions based on your rules, and helping her learn to be a good little girl, but the actual punishments should come from you. If he wants to be a father figure to her, then he should step in sometimes to help if you are running late or whatnot. But you should not just assume he should be available, whether he has to physically go to a job or not. If he's not working "for the most part" that means he is working some, and wouldn't be able to monitor her while she's in his care. Yes, it would be nice for him to help you more, and he should want to support you as your partner, but you are still the parent and the one ultimately responsible for the care of your child. If he wasn't there, you'd be doing it all yourself anyway.

So, what you have to ask yourself is whether the good he brings to your relationship is enough for you to continue with the current situation? If not, you both need to talk and work more toward getting on the same page with expectations regarding your daughter. If you can't work it out, then maybe he's not the right partner for you.

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