How can I get my daughter to stop lying?

Janine - posted on 09/29/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I have a nine year old daughter who will lie about anything. It could be something like what time she woke up to why she didn't do her homework. It is really hard to get a straight answer out of her. Does anyone have any ideas on how to stop this?

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Carolyn - posted on 10/02/2009

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A close friend of mine had a daughter with the same problem. After much talking to her, councellors ect it finally was discovered her lies started due to lack of understanding. Her parents were very private people and some circumstances in thier lives they didn't know how to discuss with her, so they refused to talk about these things at all.

Everything in her life she didn't understand she made up her own conclusion which evcentually escalated to constant lying.

This situation maybe nothing like your daughters, but if it is it may help.

I've found with my own children they lie when they think the consequences will be less, so I make sure the punishment is far greater if they lie about it, I tell them this is your punishment for (what they have done wrong) and this is added punishment for the lies.

Also praise well when she owns up to doing wrong, still punish if needed, but emphasis how proud you are that she told the truth!!

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Carisa - posted on 02/23/2014

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discuss with her that lying even white lies affect her life how others trust her and her future in school ask if something else is bothering her, could discuss that Jesus is the way and what would he do could talk to her about that if you lied to your boss you could be fired and unable to stay in your current lifing situation, just be real with her be soft and gental when you talk to her hope this helps

Aniya Damoni - posted on 02/23/2014

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you could ask her teacher put her in after school to see if that will help to or take her toys or stuff away or ground/punish her

Marilet - posted on 10/02/2009

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Telling a lie at a young age is could also mean finding out to what extent can a child get things his or her own way. This could become a bigger problem especially if the child is in trouble at school and chose not to tell the truth. You may want to spend time together on things that interest her the most. Start with a pep talk and tell her your own story about a child who lies a lot and the circumstances that may happen in the process. Telling a lie means trouble. And you have to be caring but firm.

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Quoting Janine:

How can I get my daughter to stop lying?

I have a nine year old daughter who will lie about anything. It could be something like what time she woke up to why she didn't do her homework. It is really hard to get a straight answer out of her. Does anyone have any ideas on how to stop this?



Lying attaches to people like a bad habit.



Once they feed that bad habit its hard for them to ever stop. Sadly it can live with some their entire lives. Its good you recognise this in your daughter and I encourage you to kill it out of her till its good and dead.



A lot of what some of these ladies have already said here is great advise. She needs a consequence EVERYTIME she lies, remembering to keep good communication open about why lying is not right. I'd even open up opportunities throughout the day to catch her in truths (fingers crossed). The more she tells the truth weaker the grasp that bad habit will have on her. But if she lies serve out her punishment, it will serve her good to have her world turned upside down. And praise her when he tells the truth, reward her with something really cool.



You only have about 2 - 4 years to speak into her life before shes made up her mind that she knows everything. You're doing a good job preparing her for that time. Keep on fighting to mould her right.



I've noticed my little one at 3 has started to lie here and there and I'm nipping it in the butt now. He understands what telling the truth means. I see lots of parents who think that's it not a big deal if their 3 or 4 or 5 year old lies and gives them excuses and some think its cute. But its not so cute anymore when they are 6,7,8 or 9.



Best of luck, you're doing great knowing there is a problem and doing all you can to fix the problem. You're a good mom!! :D

Caltuma - posted on 10/02/2009

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This a habit that a child will do away with if she is fully encouraged. try as much as possible to improve her self esteem and she will outgrow the behaviour.i wish all the best.

Tina - posted on 09/30/2009

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Quoting Janine:

How can I get my daughter to stop lying?

I have a nine year old daughter who will lie about anything. It could be something like what time she woke up to why she didn't do her homework. It is really hard to get a straight answer out of her. Does anyone have any ideas on how to stop this?



I don't think it does stop.  Mine is 20 and still lies about everything, even when she is caught red handed.  Give it up and keep a heavy eye on her.  Just hang in and tough it out,   Later she will come around after she leaves home.



 

Nancy - posted on 09/30/2009

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Reward her for telling the truth, even if she's done something wrong, increase consequence, while assuring your unconditional love for her if she lies

TNell - posted on 09/29/2009

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I have a daughter who tried to lie to me often as well. (she just turned six). I had a chat with her once about this and it seems to be helping. I basically, in a nice way, told her that if she lied she would get in more trouble than if she just told the truth. (her issue was she was afraid of getting into trouble about stuff). I let her know that I loved her, that I expected her to be honest with me, and that I would not tolerate lying. Since then, since she knows what to expect, if I have caught her in a lie, she gets double the discipline, and I repeat to her that if she lies she gets more trouble. (Just like in the real world). She knows this well enough that now I can ask her, why did she get the double disciplining, and she'll tell me. I also let her know every time that I love her no matter what. Good luck. I am praying for you guys!

Donna - posted on 09/29/2009

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Quoting Janine:

How can I get my daughter to stop lying?

I have a nine year old daughter who will lie about anything. It could be something like what time she woke up to why she didn't do her homework. It is really hard to get a straight answer out of her. Does anyone have any ideas on how to stop this?


Let her know you accept her for who she is, and will not penalize her for being honest with you... I am an older " mom " and don't sweat the small stuff!! My kids grew up to have tatoos, but they always have been honest with me... what' s more important to ou?? I think she's just confuse... guide her..

Robyn - posted on 09/29/2009

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It may be nothing or it could be the signs of something more serious. Here is some info to start your research. I suggest talking to your family doctor about your daughter's behaviour.

What is Compulsive Lying?
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12345(20 votes, average 4.45 out of 5) Topics - Lying
Written by Derek Wood
Monday, 02 February 2009 03:27
There are a number of reasons that people lie. The first is fear. This is the most common reason that people may lie, and they are taking shelter from a perceived punishment. It may be because they know they have done something wrong a single time, in which case it is not compulsive lying. But if they are always in fear of being punished, it may become a habit, which is a second reason for lying. In this case, it may become compulsive lying, which is lying by reflex. Even when confronted by the truth, they insist the lie is the truth in this case. A third case is learning to lie through modeling. When a people see others lie, especially when they get away with it, they may become more prone to lying. Finally, people lie because they feel if they tell the truth they won't get what they want. Thus, out of the main reasons for lying, only lying by habit can truly be called "compulsive lying" or "pathological lying".

Increased lying has been seen with a number of psychiatric diagnoses such as ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. With ADHD people will often say "I don't know why I did that", and when confronted about why they lied, their answer will be the same. ADHD children also display impulsivity, and they may lie implusively. Bipolar Disorder can be associated with low serotonin levels, which has been implicated in impulsivity, which, as indicated before, makes a person more prone to lie.

Pathological lying, though, can be thought of as being associated with a select few psychiatric diagnoses, which normally have their onset during adolescence. Namely, these are Conduct Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. In conduct disorder, it is common to seelying, conning people and other forms of deceit. In Antisocial Personality Disorder, there is a pervasive pattern of disregard or the rights of others, and with this, the person with this disorder will often lie to get what they wish – usually money, sex or power.


Goodluck!

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I think lying is often similar to eating disorders, and it comes out of control issues. I wonder if she feels that she has little control over her life, and lying makes her feel powerful. Mine used to lie, and she did grow out of it.

Linda - posted on 09/29/2009

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Take away the compulsion to alter reality to suit your approval.

When your love and approval are guaranteed, no matter what the answer to the question really is, your daughter will lose a major motivator to selling you 'alternative realities.'

When you ask questions, be careful how you phrase them. If I were to ask you 'why do you think your daughter's lying is not entirely created by you' you recognize that it's not a question seeking information, but one seeking self-incrimination, right? Almost every question that uses 'why' will be read that way by the listener... as a baited hook, to evade in order to stay safe.

If, on the other hand, I say 'what do you think you may be inadvertently be doing that tells your daughter "I would rather hear a happy story than the truth"?' you have room in your head to be thoughtful about the possibility that this doesn't reside 100% outside your influence, yes? Your daughter is no different.

Because it is extremely likely that she is only trying to please you, you have to somehow disengage (in her head) the connection between 'unhappy mommy' and 'what really happened.'

So, from now on, you could hear an obvious lie and think 'now, why would she think I'd rather hear that than the truth?'... which makes it easier to have a lighthearted, loving and generous response, like 'oh, that IS a funny one... no, really, I just wonder about how much sleep you got last night.'

Teresa - posted on 09/29/2009

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Hi janine, I think you are just going to have to be patient with this issue, I am sure your daughter is very aware that she is lying and very embarrased when she gets found out, talk to her very calmly and quietly about it and assure her you are not angry but that you would rather she told you how it really is so that no one gets hurt or confused by what she is telling you, if she does tell you a untruth and you find out then you may have to confront her so she does not feel she has got away with it but again do it in away where she feels she understands that telling the truth is better for her and not something she should be afraid to do.

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