How can I help my angry child?

Krystelle - posted on 04/27/2012 ( 26 moms have responded )

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i have an 11 yr old stepson in 2010 he came to stay with us. He has major anger issues he lies one right on top of another. Every single day he was getting trouble at school. His teacher would talk to me everyday after school and tell me what had happened in the day and what he needed to do for homework, the teacher would even let him do classwork at home because he didnt want him to fail. we would get home and he would start telling me the teacher ied and it would just go on for like an hour or two. He would even go stand by the drive way so he could tell his dad anything I said or did even if I didnt do or say it. He has attacked my husband on several occasions. When my 6yrs daughter was about 10months he kicked her in the face with his shoes on because she grabbed his leg trying to get on my other sons bed. and when he was here in 2010 he attacked her again pulled her ear ring almost all the way thru her ear now she cant wear ear rings. since then he has went home and gotten really bad. So bad his mom is giving us custody. he is coming back to live with us in May, and I am scared for my children and myself. Since he left we had a new baby she is 10mon old. what can I do to help him!!!

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Rebecca - posted on 04/27/2012

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It sounds like he needs some therapy possibly even medication.Lots of structure. Healthy food. he also needs to know that he is wanted.How does he feel now that his own mother has given up on him? Lets hope in time when her realizes he is in a safe environment with people who care about him he will turn around. My thoughts are with you.I know you have to be incredibly strong to deal with this situation.Make sure you have a support system too.Take good care.He is lucky to have you.

User - posted on 04/27/2012

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I know exactly what you are going through. When my son was little he did a lot of the things you mentioned. He misbehaved almost every day, He wouldn't do his classwork he would get into fights..... etc. I put him in therapy, he has been in it since he was in Kindergarten. Now he is 11 he still has his bad days but not as much. I would recommend putting your stepson in therapy too. Maybe something happened to him and that's the reason he is misbehaving. I wish you and your stepson the best. Oh and my son was diagnosed with ADHD. Maybe you would want to look into that too. Best of luck!

Jodie - posted on 04/27/2012

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A childhood psychologist would be a good start. This would be someone your child would go to and be able to confide in them and not feel threatend. A split family can be a hard thing for some children to deal with. With alot of patience and love towards him hopefully in time he will start to feel somwhat secure. Good on you for taking on this life long commitment. My thoughts and prayers are with you on this journey you are about to take. Be strong and have faith.

Debbie - posted on 04/27/2012

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My son was very aggressive and used to hurt my other younger son when he was still a baby. It got so bad the paediatrician wanted to put him on an anti psychotic medication, which I refused. It was then suggested to us by a naturopath to try removing gluten from his diet. We did this, and within 2 months the aggression was reduced, and after 6 months it was almost gone. If he now has a food mistake and gets gluten, he goes crazy for an entire week before it gets out of his system again!
We have since further refined his behaviour by removing the majority of food additives (see The Chemical Maze for help with this). It hasn't been easy, but it was well worth it because we didn't have to medicate him.
Good luck with your stepson!

Brianne - posted on 04/27/2012

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Counselling and parenting classes (not to suggest you don't know how to parent but to try to learn new tools and strategies)



Being a step mom is hard I know. You're hubby may need to take the lead with this young man but you both need to be on the same page.



Obviously something is bothering this young man to make him so angry. If he isn't given some way to vent it out his anger may only get worse. The best thing is counselling. For him and for you and your hubby.

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Liz - posted on 09/27/2013

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i have a 9 year old little girl hu is so mean at home with me my husband and her sisters and brother. she is a good kid in school and with people she dose not know but at home she is so mean and is like she dose not have a heart she tells her sister how fat she is and makes funn of her brother when i talk to her and cry she smiles or laughs and when i send her to her room and her sister tells her how sad i am because of her she tells her well thats nothing new and that i need to get over it. i tried to crownd her i send her to her room and nothing works she even whent to the school and told the school i beat her everyday and i put her in a dark room and how he rooms has nothing but a bed on the floor. child p.. came to my home and saw that she was living in a great in environment and closed my case im so stress out to the point were i dont want to be next to her and i cant stand to see her face

Shari - posted on 05/02/2012

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Just to let you know, my son was on medication for ADHD and had major adverse reactions from it. At first he was better, then he was RAGEFUL, he said he wanted to KILL something. ONe night after spending about an hour and a half trying to get him to 'work out his anger', which apparently had no cause (he said he didn't know why he was mad) I thought it might be the medication. I took him off immediately and his symptoms went away. That was ADDARAL. Next the DR prescribed him Concerta, which made him suicidal, and I had to take him off that.
Just my experience, His psychologist said if they are misdiagnosed the wrong medication can cause these types of symptoms.
Hope this helps. Good luck Mom!

Isabelle - posted on 04/28/2012

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I agree with Rebecca... and read about adhd and impulsiveness that a lot of these kids experience... seek for professional help asap... there is hope and I'm talking from experience.

User - posted on 04/28/2012

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he needs therapy and maybe family therapy the reason i say that is becouse if he gets some professiol help alone and then the family gets it too so he will learn to manage himself and the family learn to help him and eachother .

god be with you !!!!

Ilovekitties2 - posted on 04/28/2012

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I would suggest you and your family see a Marriage & Family Therapist; before seeking medication. It sounds like this boy has been through a lot of transitions; which can be difficult for children to adjust too. Family dynamics can always change the household functioning along with who is in it. You will see different behavioral problems come out.

Rhonda - posted on 04/28/2012

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My son was aggressive, very defiant at times and had symptoms of ADHD. I put him on a diet at Feingold.org....different kid now. Red dye 40 made him angry and aggressive. It's in everything....white frosting, toothpaste, strawberry yogurt, shampoo and the mint gum he chewed. I spent a ton of money on counseling only to find out within 48 hours of no red dye it was a huge change. The Feingold diet has made me realize my kid wasn't ADHD, he was just having reactions to preservatives and dyes which are petroleum based. Visit their website.

Samantha - posted on 04/28/2012

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Make sure he knos he is loved - that no matter how mean or bad he is - you guys love him. Teach him healthy ways to get his "mad" out. My six year old has days like this but he knows the only reason to get super mad is when someone is hurting him or his famiily.your tepson is going through such a hard time... He probably doesn feel like anyone cares... Poor guy. Definitely counseling too.

Joan - posted on 04/28/2012

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i have a 13 year old grandson like this, we have tried giving him lots of love plus being firm with him, all to no avail, myself his mother and my husband i fearful what he will do next, he actually tried to stab me last week, we are trying to get help for him , he seems to get more things than the other children but it is never enough, we have got proffesional help but it isn't helping,we are so worried for the other children, you must protect your other children krystelle. what do you do when you try everything and still they destroy every thing good in the house , there is no peace while these children are in the house, keep strong and try not to let it harm you relationship with your hubbie, we have bought locks for the other childrens doors, i suggest you do this, and i hope things turn around for you and you poor troubled step son,

Amber - posted on 04/28/2012

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The boy has had a troubled life and there are many important and likely very sad facts about his life you may never hear about. He has deep drak and disturbing secrets -I'm certain of it. So he needs to be respected. He needs space and time to heal all his wounds. He's also probably always having to defend his parents because others continue to tell him the obvious and hearing the same hard facts gets old. Unfortunately he will love his failure of parents for a long time before he realizes how they have truly impacted his life for the worse. He knows the facts so stop bringing it up. What he needs is to be guided about how to be a good citizen. He must be explained what a criminal is and what it actually means to be shunned from society! If he's not educated about criminal justice he will ultimately learn the hard way and find a long list of people who welcome in to their criminal world. Finally, communicate about evrything but don't hold your breath. If he has to keep his room clean for a week to spend the night at a pals house on the weekend, hold him accountable for his decisions (don't allow the sleep over if his room doesn't stay cleaned) and the following week walk into his room every night, while he's hanging out in there and instruct him to spend ten minutes cleaning his room. Do that every night and reward him with a surprise at the end of the week. Don't make a deal if it failed the first time, an unexpected reward will leave a stronger impression. Also after dinner is a good time for homework. Have a quiet place he can go to for 45 minutes, where there aren't any distractions and instruct him to complete his homework before he engages in video games, cell phones, social media or TV. Help with homework! You must! It's important after school he has free time until dinner and his friends should always be welcome until then and somedays invited to dinner with the "family". Finally don't argue or yell at time! In his mind he is right and you are wrong. You have to prove to him that he is respected and welcome in your home (his home too, remember) and that will happen naturally over time with lots of patients. Don't be bothered with his lies or behavior at school...you have no control of it. Everybody lies. Call him out when he does "I can't prove it but I dont believe you because what you're saying doesn't make since." is a good line to use to bring up the point. Don't dwell! At school, trust me -he's being constantly criticized and punished(no recess) and shadowed all the time....even on his good days he's being corrected while his peers whom are doing the same things aren't being talked to at all. It sucks to miss out on recess! Let it go, he'll get better at school if he's happier at home.

User - posted on 04/28/2012

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I recommend trying a gluten free and dairy free diet with lots of fruit and vegetables and no artificial colours and flavours or chocolate. Take it one meal at a time. Watch to see his behaviour change dramatically. Put the whole family on the same diet. Once you get the right diet for him and the rest of the family he will be very happy and healthy, but any deviatin from that will see the bad behaviour re emerge. A spiritual healer or intuitive healer or kinesiologist can remove damage caused by past trauma that is causing the reaction to foods. Some can remove the gluten and dairy intolerance and determine which foods he is intolerant to using a pendulum etc.IOK my pendulum says he is intolerant to gluten and dairy products, oranges and chocolate and artificial colours and flavours and cola etc.. The foods he loves the most, or hates by themself but eats laced with sugar etc is the prime suspect. Hard to keep a teenage boy of these but if you can do it in the home and give him lots of love that you obviously have for him will be a good start. Its hard though and you need all the help you can get. Diet is very important. I speak from lots of experience with this. Sending love.

MICHELLE - posted on 04/28/2012

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Krystelle,

Good Morning, I am a mother to 5 children. ages from 5-14.

My story is a little diffrent then yours but I have a few things that you might want to look into. I am adding the links. if they dont work add me on FB, and we can talk.



1.)Parental Alienation Awareness Organization - PAAO, (This one is on FaceBook) Use the search bar

2.) www.breakthroughparenting.com/PAS.htm ( This describes it)

3.) OR Just Google : Parental alienation syndrome



I hope this helps you, add me to facebook. We can talk more there.

What state are you in?

Patricia - posted on 04/28/2012

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I strongly recommend going to a behavioral therapist and having him evaluated. Some of it could be just anger issues, and some of it might require a more thorough diagnoses. Take it from someone with experience with these issues. My oldest DD (10) has a diagnoses of bipolar disorder and OCD. One thing I noted about my DD is between therapy and proper medications she has more even behavior, and is making positive progress at school and socially.

Krystelle - posted on 04/27/2012

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no I dont but I cant turn my back to him,he is their brother! and if I dont help him who will, his mother has had 11 yrs to and she hasnt. I want him to have a good life!

Jessica - posted on 04/27/2012

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this may sound stupid but a boy my mother used to babysat ended up being allergic to certain food colourings if im remembering correctly it was orange and red food dies (not sure what numbers behind it though) when she got him on a more strict diet that changed his behaviour drastically (i was just a kid at the time too so have little else to say on that)



another girl friend of mine her daughter had been acting out as well and it ended up being chrons disease and was having reactions from that (lettuce is not good for people with chrons gets stuck in the intestines) i just dont understand how it effected her to lash out, she also had ADHD



I hope every thing works out for you and yours and keep your head up

User - posted on 04/27/2012

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Order a book at Modibook.com they'll custom make a book for your child that will help you deal with this. www.modibook.com

Krystelle - posted on 04/27/2012

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thank you all for you advice! To answer so ?s I have been in his life since he was a baby so me nor his sibling are new to him. As far as his mother goes I dont know everything that goes on there but I do know he has been this way since he was about 4 just keeps getting worse. I have suggested therapy to his mother she never tried it, but now that he is coming here I think it is a great idea. My son see one every two weeks just so he does have someone to talk to that he can trust. My stepson does have ADHD but has not been on his meds for over a year( having issues getting him on post in his city) because of some Military issues but before that he was off and on because sometimes she could afford it and sometimes she couldnt even tho we told her that when she couldnt to come to us and we would help(on top of child support).As far as his mother giving him up it isnt like that completely he wants to come back here. I love him I always have I would do anything for him just as I would my own but he scares me and all I want to do is help him but at the same time Im so scared to have him around my children. My husband is a good dad but I think some one on one time would be good for both of them.

Fann_julia - posted on 04/27/2012

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I'm sorry you have to go through this. I had a nephew like this. Very angry, but had retreated into a shell vs. acting out. Maybe get some therapy for him, but also some counselling as a family so he doesn't feel like an outsider, which he may already does since he has new siblings. Lots of patience, persistance, structure, and always let him know he's loved and wanted. This is a tough stage for him now. And what's dad doing??? Maybe he needs more one on one with dad. I hope all turns out for the better. My nephew just got accepted to a very good university and has a really great girlfriend. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Jessica - posted on 04/27/2012

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I think counselling for him, maybe some parenting classes for you and hubby like love and logic (i have not taken it but have heard good things, more when to let things go before you go nuts and with common consequences you dont want to wear a jacket yet it raining possible cold his fault not yours type deal)

what about positive reinforcement?

i tried 123 magic (discipline) but my children are younger

is issues going on at school like is he being bullied and hes lashing out? maybe a new school might help how much home work and when do you want him to sit down to do it maybe changing that could help?

have you your husband and bio mom taken a course on parenting after separation? is it possible bio mom is saying harsh things behind your back or vise versa?

what about organizations like mental health? children health and development? family and children services? (there not always the bad guys that apprehend children and actually helped me find 123 magic when i admitted to them i had bit my 3 year old when he bite my 1 year old eye brow (1 yr old is almost 5 and still has the scar on his eye brow)

many may disagree with this but what about asking a cop to scare him? or what if you show him what life is like on the street? i dont mean by kicking him out but showing him that life can and will get alot worse (my girl friends uncle) drove my gf down the streets of hastings in vancouver to see the hookers, the pimps, crack dealers and all when she got into trouble at school running away and Chrystal meth (it set her straight for about 2 yrs)

cant think of much right now but a good support system for you two adults sounds damn good as well best of luck and God bless nothing is scarier then children



I disagree with someone that mentioned dad taking over i think this is a two way street only mentioning this because i am a step mother too two boys and the one mother expects me to be nothing but what puts food on his plate, I expect to be just as much involved in my stepsons upbringing (in every aspect) as my own biological children

Shawn - posted on 04/27/2012

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Your stepson needs to feel like your home is his home, he is crying
Out for attention. Only your son knows what his environment
Was living with his mother good it bad. A young boy
Needs his father, so your husband may have to take
The lead in facilitating his care, at least until your stepson
Feels comfortable/safe. It would be good if he and his Dad
Could have one on one time, this may go a long way.
He probably is jealous of his half siblings, because
They have their mom and Dad in the home. It may
Take time, but with consistency love and patience
And time with Dad, as well as one one on time with
You, he may began to feel stable and at home.
I wish you and your family luck.

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