Miriam - posted on 08/22/2015 ( no moms have responded yet )
Subject: Re: help to understand
From: Miriam Alonzo-Thiessen
Date: Tue, August 04, 2015 8:30 pm
To: Barbara Greenberg
My Daughter is polite and generally a caring person. She is somewhat spoiled and a bit on the shy side. She was raised by my husband and myself. She has always been opposed to change and at times was very demanding of us since she was young.
While opposed to change we moved several times as my husband had to move for employment reasons. During high school she attended 4 different but graduated when she was still 17, turning 18 a few months later. She took one year off before she attended university. We decided to retire in another country since we can have a better, more affordable and comfortable life there.
So, we moved again thinking that she would go off to school and then on to a career! Since she did not go directly to university she moved with us. Sadly, she dislikes where we live and has acted out a number of times. Due to “random thoughts” gaining her attention, fear of those thoughts being true, and our concern that she will not be able to handle life alone, we are trying to figure out how to move back, not for us, for her. Right now we travel back and forth a number of times each year but this has drained our limited SS income and any savings we had. We are now just struggling to pay off the debt we have incurred in doing the back and forth traveling.
Last year (2014) was her first year in university. She was scared since she had never been away from home on
her own. Not even for a retreat, overnight camp, or anything of the like. Her fear translated into phone calls in the late night hours here to help her deal with her anxiety. She often accused us of just dropping her off and not providing any place for her to go. However, she does not want to go the her older brother’s nor her uncle’s, both of whom have offered a place to go.
She has a hard time making friends as she thinks she is not good enough. She really does not accept, appreciate and love herself. Her self-image is extremely poor. We thought we had raised her to be confident but somehow we failed to instill a good self-value. She thinks she is not attractive or nice looking. So, in her first year at University she made only 2 somewhat friends: one her roommate (who has now changed schools) and the boy who become her boyfriend a month later.
She and the boyfriend seemed to be getting alone ok. Periodically she would call and talk to me, the mom, to complain about him not texting, spending time together, going to the campus cafeteria, or doing other things he had promised to do. They became physically intimate (a little past third base! J ) but did not have sexual intercourse. He would never take his pants off/down and he would only act as if he were entering from her backside.
My daughter’s foundation at home was the best we knew how to give her. She went to both public and private schools; we worked to provide good foundation. Sadly my husband and I have a very strained relationship. In spite of the fact that we care for each other, we often disagree and (as Macy says) we fight too much. This seems to have been passed along too well to our daughter. Now she screams at us that we are bad parents but as soon as she needs to talk she calls us. While we tried to raise her to be whole, we also had/have our own issues and now I believe she hate us. Maybe too co-dependent