How can I make my daughters stop hating eachother?

Pepper - posted on 04/19/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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They're six and four, both very intelligent, but they're driving me insane with their mean and nasty attitudes toward each other.
They're great with their little brother (2) but it seems like they can't ever stop fighting, bickering, teasing, tattling... I'm at my wits end!
I peach nothing but like, respect and the golden rule and peace and positivity, it just kills me that none of that is sinking in.
Is there something I'm doing wrong? We have a split household so they almost never get to see each other, and they always talk about how much one misses the other when she's gone, but you'd never know it...

What can I do?!
I'm so hurting.

3 Comments

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Ariana - posted on 04/19/2014

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If it's a bullying issue could you go to family councelling? It may help to have someone be able to talk to the whole family, since although it might be one or two 'problem kids' it takes the whole family (especially the adults!) to make adjustments for any real change to happen. Only because the bullying issue is probably affecting it more so having an outside person be able to discuss some ideas on what to do could be helpful.

Otherwise I feel keeping them apart and continuing mediating is the only way.

You could do daily 'bully talks' or something. Not directed at one child but all of them and just like ask a simple question about bullying. Just look stuff up online but start with easy things like saying please and thank you, and then once they're used to you asking stuff go into real things like is pushing someone okay? Yes or no etc etc. The more you do it the more you can see where they're social level is at and the more complicated things you can talk about but always start off with basic stuff (especially with the 4 year old since they're brains are like kittens they don't know half of what you mean sometimes as much as they want to and may take everything you say very literally and jumpy).

At least in my experience.

Also kids fight, that's life. I know that's a big jump of perspectives but I only worry about the bullying and aggressiveness you mentioned. Is it physical aggression? Do they share a room or no?

I still say they should take karate or gymnastics or swimming lessons together. Taking individual sports or activities can help with self-discipline, self confidence and it 's something they can all do. Actually I always say karate because that's actually something you can all do. I know people who will allow adults into their childrens classes so you could all probably go to a kids class if they have 4-8 year olds or something. People don't want 4 year olds in the adult class but don't mind adults in the 6 year old class usually.

Anyway just an idea!

Pepper - posted on 04/19/2014

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Thank you very much. :-)
I've actually done the mediation thing, it feels like it works, but a lot of the fuel for the fire is my six year old is just very aggressive, and my four year old is incredibly stubborn and high strung, but they're both overly sensitive...
That seems to be the recipe for constant meltdowns.
And the thing is, my six year old is aggressive as a result of being bullied at school. I have talked to her till I'm blue in the face about just talking it out or walking away from a frustrating situation, but then she comes home and does exactly the same bullying to her sister...
Is it too much for me to expect her to understand the wrong in her actions?

Ariana - posted on 04/19/2014

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Can you put them into a program together where they wouldn't be allowed to argue? Like a karate program other thing where they can be supervised with other people? Is there something you can do with them both that's fun?

Also what types of problems is it that they have? Are they the same type of issue over and over? If it is do you make them ever talk to each other about it? Sometimes forcing them to sit down and listen to each other makes their fight not even worth it and they just drop it. But you could make it so they have to go in a room and talk to each other until they can solve a certain problem where BOTH of them are happy. Of course they're younger right now so they'd probably need an adult to sort of talk them through that sort of thing until they're older and more used to that.

The best thing to do is to keep splitting them up and have them supervised and trained on how to act socially with each other, without you taking sides (ever, even if you might believe it's mainly ones fault at one time you don't really know). Then let them spend more and more time less supervised and see if they keep acting the way they should.

Also certain issues you may just need to ignore depending. People argue, sometimes you need to let THEM sort it out and just walk away as long as they aren't being really cruel.

Like I said though try to see if there is a certain pattern or things you can speak about that would help them out. Get them to do something together outside of their regular bad dynamic where they can't be mad the whole time. Maybe family swimming classes or something.

Hope that is a bit helpful!!

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