how can i tell my daughter that her dad now is not her real father and her real one has passed away

Ann - posted on 04/19/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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i was a stupid teenager who knew what life was all about. i got pregnant at the age of 17 and i told the guy i was taking that i was and all he did was up and leave and not wanting to do anything with me. by this time i was 3mths pregnant and never thought ill ever meet anyone =.. and i did he hes is now my husband and has tooken on the responsiblity of being the father when i was 3 mths pregnant. it has been 10 yrs now and my daughter is getting older. her biological father has passed away when she was 4 and not once did he ever acknoledge or wanted to meet her. so my husband said that its his lost. i love him so much and its so hard to see both of them and her not knowing that she is not his. i have tried so many times to have his parents be part of her life as long as they dont tell her anything becuse to her her dad now is her real dad. i know its wrong but i dont believe at that time she was ready to knpw.. what hurts the most is that they only seen my daughter 6 times throught out her life and we live in the same small ass town. she calls them momo and popo cause she knows there family but not really knows the truth. his familiy only want to see my daughter when tehre is family functions and stuff.. im scared to tell her and i know she has the right to know.. but im so lost and scare i dont know how to tell her. my husband said we should but i dont know

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Medic - posted on 04/19/2012

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Everything will be fine, just make it all about your daughter and her feelings not any of yours.

Ann - posted on 04/19/2012

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i understatn you were not trying to be disrespectfule or mean.. but i understand what your saying and ur right she has the right to know what the truth is.. cause i feel what u mean cause i too dont know why my real mother has never been there for me but too scared to aske her why. thank you so much .

Medic - posted on 04/19/2012

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You make it age appropriate...you never tell them they were not wanted. Make it simple when they are little." Your biological father was not ready to be a daddy so he stepped back and let someone who was able to be your daddy step in. He did what he thought was best for you. You had done NOTHING wrong. Everyone loves you to the best of their ability but some people just do not know how to show it." Your and your ex's dirty laundry does not ever need to be told to your daughter the same way as my ex's and my dirty laudry is not my sons business. Our emotions really have nothing to do with the situation revolving around our children and their biological parents. I am not saying any of this meanly, TRUST me I understand. I would have felt lied to, disrespected, and had serious trust issues had my parents not told me when I was little that I was adopted. My son does go to therapy to deal with his feeling about the situation but we did that to ensure he is well rounded about the situation. His paternal grandparents have gone to sessions, so has most of our family. Kids are not that breakable, if they are raised in a situation that is not what WE wanted it to be it becomes normal to them. If they are able to understand it and ask questions freely the do not feel the pain that we as moms feel for them. My son has everything in his baby book and scrap book, it is the story of his life. I did not get to dictate how it went, I was just along for the ride much as he was, but that does not change the fact that things played out how they did. There is nothing to be ashamed of or hide, it is what it is and it is his life. He now candidly talks about how he feels and asks whatever questions pop into his head and I answer as honestly as I can without putting my feelings into or dragging James threw the mud.

Ann - posted on 04/19/2012

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thanx for ur respond and ur right iam scared at the fact that she will hate me.. adn i know its going to hurt her but even thought why tell them at a small age if really they dont understand much. and by the way since the beggingin that family has never wanted to be there even when i first tell them i was pregnant.. so there not as innovent as u think they are.. yeah i may be selfish for not telling her in the begging but at the same time i want her to understand why and what happen. and at the small age how are u to explain to her that her real father didnt want anything to do with her. and i know cause my mother was never there for me and till this day shes not. and yeah my husband does not make him any less of a man cause he took the step to raise her as her own since the other one never wanted to. and her bioligacal father passed away and his family never wanted to meet her then either till recently when they saw her. so how do i expalin that to her. and they pop in and out of her life. so before u think or say that the did not want o see her bc of the situation is bullshit cause i nver once said no or anyhtiunig just to be respectful of the situation thats all..,

Medic - posted on 04/19/2012

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You should have told her from the get go. No wonder her biological dads family wants nothing to do with her if they can't tell her because YOUR scared. Your husband not being her bio dad does not make him any less her father. I was adopted and I have known my whole life, my son has been adopted by my husband and he is 5 and has always known. His biological grandparents, uncles and cousin see him all the time and they respect the fact that my husband is daddy, both legally and in all sense of the word. That being said we have never hidden from him that James is his biological father. I think waiting so long causes so much more hurt, the younger they know the more normal it is to them and they tend to not question it or feel unwanted. With my son we kind of just took the approach that his daddy CHOSE to be his daddy and that some people make babies and some people raise babies and they are not always the same. Your scared for selfish reasons and your daughter is the only one that is going to end up hurt in the end of this. Not only has she been lied to but she has missed opportunities to know where she came from.

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