How Did I Delude Myself

Claudia - posted on 10/10/2015 ( no moms have responded yet )

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My childhood was traumatic; rape, molestation, physical abuse, emotional abuse, just name it. My goal was to never be that way as a mother, so do the opposite as my own. I had three boys, and after a rotten childhood, I finally knew why I was born, I had a purpose and unconditional love. My marriage lasted seven years, and in his divorce he got my boys. I wanted to die, and I tried many times. He even had me committed. So, I sacrificed the years with quality time, and not quantity time. I paid over and above what the judge ordered, and bought them all their clothes. He made more than me as a airline pilot, but it wasn't about him. Like I was as a child, I knew someday I would be free, I thought when they got older, and I retired from the Army, I would have freedom with them. I paid for their college, and supported them, but I wasn't told, or didn't know as they grow to men, they don't need you any longer. They cut the apron string I never got to wear. When the thought finally hit me, I sunk to my lowest, again I out of life. The pain was like surgery without anesthetics. I curled up in myself, and became someone else. My home was the safest place, my oasis. Coupled with my PTSD, depression and anxiety from the war, and an injury that broke my second vertebrae, I wanted to die. I hated who I became, and I didn't know who I was. I felt like a relative, not a mother

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