How do curve the arguing?

Carissa - posted on 10/25/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have a 10 year old boy who will argue with everything. Or at least that is what my husband says. I think differently. I feel when we are talking to, disciplining, and/or telling our children to do something that to tell them to "just do what I say and stop talking back" is not always the answer. I grew up being very close to my parents and I believe it was because I was allowed to have an opinion. How do I help my child and my husband to get on the same page? I fear this could wreck our marriage!

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JuLeah - posted on 10/25/2011

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It is not a safe enough world to teach a child to obey without question.

Peer pressure when he is a teen will require that he use his own thinker

There are many respectful way to 'talk back' - kids need to be allowed that voice- to advocate for themselves, to stand up for themselves .....


Yes, there are time that 'because I am the parent' is the answer and kids need to also understand that happens.

They don't get all they want, they don't always get their way, sometimes the answer is 'no, and sometimes they do things they don't really want to do 'becuase I said so'

Your son and his father have their relationship and it is theirs to work out, not yours. And, I also get you stepping in to act as a voice for your child if your husband is not hearing him

Maybe there are ways your son can 'talk back' Ways he can make his wishes understood - maybe in writting?

Maybe there are times and places your son can talk back and times and places he can not?

I am sure there is a middle ground if you all sit and have a conversation about it

Amy - posted on 10/25/2011

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First you and your husband need to get on the same page. You need to sit down with him when the kids are not around and come up with a compromise that everyone understands. At what point do you think it is what it is and you're kids should do as they say? Do you think it's ok for them to negotiate for everything or do you have a line in the sand as well? Can you and your husband come to an agreement on that, like it's ok for him to try and explain why he shouldn't have to eat his veggies tonight but when he does something wrong there is no talking back? I agree that they should be able to talk to you but I think it's a fine balance and how do the kids know when they're reaching the limit of negotiations?

I don't think talking to your son about his feelings of whatever it is he is in trouble for after your husband left is the right way to go about it. It undermines your husband and could create more problems in the long run where your children try to play you against dad. I think going in and explaining to your son after he's calmed down why it is the way it is can be helpful. My 5 year old does this at times and we give him a lot of slack but if he keeps pushing even after we've made it clear it's nit something to be negotiated we tell him to go to his room till he's calmed down. Good luck!

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Carissa - posted on 10/26/2011

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Thank you for all the suggestions. Yes, I do have a definite line where some things are do as I say and no negotiations. My husband and I have gone rounds and rounds about how to come to an agreement and support eachother. I should also mention that my husband is my oldest son's step-father and has been in his life since he was 5. We have a 4 year old together which most of the time we agree on discipline with. However, I also see my husband explain things to our 4 year old (about what he did wrong or why Daddy got mad) and he always tells him he loves him after the punishment is over. Just last night my husband told my 10 year old that he was "sick of his shit and he better straighten his ass up if he wanted to stay in HIS house". He never did go back to my 10 year old after the punishment of going to his room and say "I love you". I just don't want my oldest son to feel rejected. It is very hard to raise children in a split family. It does not help that my oldest son's father does not have too much to do with my son. I just feel that overwhelming motherly need to protect him.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 10/25/2011

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Keep reiterating how you grew up, and how you turned out. If anything after your husband is gone wherever, then you go talk to your son and let Him say how he feels about the situation.

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