How do I believe in my sister again when she has so little regard for me.

Christie - posted on 08/16/2012 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I live over 3000 km away and come "home" to visit for two weeks each year. As soon as my daughter and I arrived home, my sister lets her kids go away camping with friends for four days. Why? because she needs a break. It doesn't matter they were just away for a week camping with our parents. When she did this I felt as if she were telling her children that we were not important enough. I feel as if she sent that message to her children. Readers, how would you feel if you just spent 1600 dollars to fly home and then part of your family goes camping the day you arrive and you came to see them. How do I explain that to my 11 year old child who all she talked about was seeing her cousins. I felt terrible because we flew all across Canada to see them and off she sends them.
Next thing. Parenting wise I believe in accountability for ones actions and respect shown to others. My sister: Do what you want, when you want, for as long as you want, as long as I get a break. On our trip, my sister's child was very rude to me because she did not get her own way. (omg she says when I told her she was rude it was just a JOKE). I talk to my sister, I said you need to talk to her because if you don't then this is going to wreck our relationship. What happens? No consequences, in fact rewarded by getting clothes bought for her, nails done and out for dinner. No apologies. She is 10 years old and a master manipulator. Tells her mom she said sorry (no she didn't. Says I pick on her because I called her on being rude). No consequences at all. My sister makes excuses and accuses me of picking on her child because her child said that I was. Her idea of parenting is to allow her neighbours to take care of her children. I really feel as if our relationship is ruined. I feel hurt because she let her child get away with talking to me terribly. I am at a loss. I would never let my daughter get away with being rude to my sister. I feel very let down by my sister. She even uses our differences in parenting be an excuse. I think to myself, yes the difference is no parenting vs. parenting. Child rules the roost vs. adults ruling the roost. Thank you for reading.

14 Comments

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Ruby - posted on 08/22/2012

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Instead of visiting your sister take a different trip. A stress free fun trip for the both of you.

Christie - posted on 08/20/2012

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Yes I agree and hence the problem. She thinks I pick on her because I have rules and accountability for actions. I guess what hurts the most is no support from my sister. (and yes not raising kids isn't a parenting style. I can't believe from her personality as a child and teen that this is what she chooses to do as an adult).

Her father won't help. The day she was so rude to me, well she went with him for the weekend and he took her out for supper, bought new clothes and she got her nails done.

It really helps to have this forum to hear from others and their opinions. Makes me feel like I am not alone trying out there and that I am not crazy to expect accountability and good manners.

Thanks :)

Nene J. - posted on 08/20/2012

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Christie T



Honey I understand you can't change people. I understand you can't control people. I also understand you have different parenting styles. But it's complete bullshit to let someone (even a ten year old) talk to you crazy. When that child is around you, show her you mean business. All my nieces & nephews respect me & I respect them. When they come to my house, it's my rules. In public it's my rules. & with certain things, it's still my rules. I'm a firm believer in not being disrespected. My own aunts & uncles (& other relatives) know from experience that I refuse to be disrespected. If you believe in spankings (or other disciplinary actions), spank her. If her mother has a problem with it, either don't go around them or tell her to do her job & be a mom! Not raising your kids isn't a parenting style. It's fucking up! There's no excuse. That child is old even to know better & so is your sister. Maybe you can talk to the child's father for help on that regard. But your sister should respect you relationship & obviously she doesn't. It's about push & pull, give & take but she doesn't seem to give much but headache. Anyway, sorry for blasting your family but you seem like a good woman & you should not be run over.

Christie - posted on 08/18/2012

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Yes, these are all things that make sense. It is always me going to visit. I usually always take them to GWL, the zoo etc. I usually take the kids only. I took my sister once but let's just say high maintenance.

I try my best to do the best I can. Thank you for your advice.

Tammy - posted on 08/18/2012

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I have learned with some of my siblings, if I want to have a relationship with them at all, it will be on their terms. I just take all the steps necessary to protect myself & my kids best I can from their usually not intentional inconsiderations. I noticed you didnt mention her visiting you...i usually have to travel to them too, then I often feel as though Im inturrupting their schedule. Preplan as much as possible for things that matter to you most.

As for her children, create your own relationship with them. They wont disrespect you if you dont allow it. Have so much fun with them that they wouldnt dream of alienating you with rudeness...because they might miss out on sonething fun while youre there! With cell phones, texting, internet video chats & social media...its not hard to stay connected with kids these days. Your sister doesnt need to be in between you & her kids, and it doesnt sound like she is inclined to be.

Its taken me many yrs to come to these conclusions...but if you accept the good things she has to offer your relationship, it makes the inconsiderate stuff less painful. And tho this might be all she has to offer, only you can decide if youre willing to accept it as how your relationship just is.

Christie - posted on 08/17/2012

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And I think all of your comments are valuable and make some really good points. I do think one of the problems, is I care too much and shouldn't let it get to me as much as it does. Dove, I think that summarizes the whole issue. It won't make a difference one way or the other what my sister chooses to do and I don't think our relationship is as meaningful to her as I feel it should be. I guess I have to accept that and I feel that stepping back will give me the chance to wrap it around my mind. I don't want to be drawn into negativity and living a lifestyle that is negative either.

It is strange how people are raised the same and turn out so differently. I know each person is different and unique but the value system we were raised in was the same.

Thank you to each one of you for your perspective. I think it is important to take time for others and I appreciate that each one of you did.

Dove - posted on 08/17/2012

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You have zero control over other people. All you can control is your reaction to them. That is WAY easier said than done, but it's truth.

Kami - posted on 08/17/2012

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You have the right to be disappointed, but it is what it is. Maybe next time ask her what plans she have before hand. Again, she may never have the same regard for you as you do her. As far as forgiveness, you should always forgive. But do what you can to prevent the same things from happening again.

Lacye - posted on 08/17/2012

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There are just some people that no matter how hard you try, you are not going to be a priority in their life. What you might have to do it just try not to let it bother you so much. I know that is hard because she is your sister but she is not going to change. She is always going to be like this.

As for her child disrespecting you, just try to stay away from the kid. Ignore her when she talks crap to you. You are there to enjoy spending time with your family so spend time with the ones that actually care that you are there.

Christie - posted on 08/17/2012

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I understand that she parents her way and I parent mine. I don't actually tell her how to raise her children or want to raise them for her. She sees me for two weeks of the year and it disappoints me that there is no effort. That is it. I just don't tolerate being treated poorly or accept that it is okay to do that. I am not asking her to change to be like me. What I am asking her to do is to care about her life. I actually do a lot for her children while I am home, take them places, to the park, zoo, buy them clothes for back to school. I usually work the whole month of July at a second job in order to come down. I am not asking for recognition for doing things. Just some common decency.

I really couldn't go camping. It was a camping trip, that the kids went on with their friends and their friends family. I don't know them. I have no camping gear as I live 3000 km away. I was there to see my other family too and it would be terrible if I walked in just to turn around. I also think thought that all the effort shouldn't have to always come from me. It always does.

There is a lot more too it. It may seem simple to just turn the other cheek but how many chances to you give a person? This isn't the one incident. It is like the incident that broke the camels back so to speak. How do you deal with apathy? I just think it is more healthy to stay away right now then to be wrapped up in negativity.

My daughter is really good about it. She actually for her age, really gets people.

I appreciate everyone's replies and view points. Thank you for taking the time to even read this and respond. It is helpful.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/17/2012

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Well, she is going to parent differently than you no matter how much you tell her your way to raise a child. The door swings both ways. If you want her to respect you as a parent, you need to respect her choices. You could have all just gone camping together so your kid could be with the cousins. Sometimes things don't go to plan, and you need to be flexible, even if it isn't fair.

Kami - posted on 08/17/2012

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Honestly I don't think you need to cut her out of your life. I have 2 sisters and we all raise our children differently. That's the beauty about life. You can't control the way your sister raise her children. That's why they are her children. The way she raise her family should not affect your relationship at all. When they "acted up" with you, (esp that 10 yr old) let them know that you will not tolerate it...bottom line. If she doesn't like it, oh well. She's 10. As far as your daughter, sometimes you will have to explain things to your children that aren't nice. Just explain it the best way possible and tell your daughter that her cousins love her and will see her when they get back.



The bottom line is, you can't expect others to do what you would do, because they are not you. Even if you are sisters. Just stay loving and respectful....but don't get pushed around. Good luck with everything.

Chaya - posted on 08/17/2012

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I have a few sisters who are that disrespectful of me, one is "really sorry" but still blames me for every mistake she's ever made. I just cut her out of my life. When she tries to contact me, I tell her to stay away from me permanantly. I've even filed a lawsuit against her (long story, you're not interested) I even cut her mother, my step mother out of my life, I did relent a little on that after step mother got very sick. I went to her funeral, but I can't be part of their family, so I go to my church for family instead.

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