How do I cope with my Bfs 'surprise' child who is 3 years old and just turned up

Roch - posted on 10/21/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi guys I hope u can give me some advice.

I'll start from the beginning. When I first met my bf everything was great. But a month into our relationship someone told me that he has a baby on he way. Hen I confronted him he said no its not his he's sure of it. I kept pestering him about it as I didn't want to be with a man with kids as I knew I wasn't mature enough to deal with it. He then reassured me this wasn't the case and that it wasn't his child. So anyway a year later I gave birth to my daughter. Everything was fine I started nursery and enrolled my daughter at a childminders who happened to leave two doors down from my Bfs parents house. Lin story short she said it was lovely looking after my Bfs second child. I was shocked but I didn't say anything to her in case t was true and I would be humiliated in front of a stranger.

I confronted my bf and he still denied it. So I asked his mum and she was like yes he does have a son he is 3 but my bf doesn't believe he's his so has nothing to do with but his mum and dad have accepts the hold as their grandchild and see the son often.

Later that night my bf finally admitted that there was a possibility the baby was his. He said e didn't tell me because he didn't want anything to ruin the relationship as he knew my views on this situation. But doesn't understand why I'm so devastated about it.

I feel so sick. I haven't eaten properly in a week. I can't sleep and I can't focus at uni. I don't want my daughter to have anything to do with the other woman or the baby but I feel terrible thinking like this! I know it was before me but I still feel like its not fair. His family accepted this hold as their own but dint even let me know that this was the case. I don't want to be around his family again as I feel betrayed and I don't even want to be with my bf as he knew there was a possibility and he lied to me. Am I being awful for not wanting my child to mix with his suprise child? I don't know what to do?

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Lacye - posted on 10/22/2012

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You can't really blame the child. He had nothing to do with any of this. His mother shouldn't be blamed either because she was not the one lying to you. You need to be mad at your boyfriend only. His family only did what they thought best. They wanted to have something to do with this child because the child, just like your daughter, is family. Your boyfriend is the one that wanted this kept from you. He is the one that should be taking all of the blame.

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Amanda - posted on 10/22/2012

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I would be devastated too. It is your boyfriends fault for denying the possibility of the female being pregnant by him from the get go. Either find a way to except the child n the situation or leave him. However if having your child grow up with both parents is important to you, Id try to overcome the situation and move forward.

Dove - posted on 10/22/2012

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The only person to blame in this situation is your boyfriend. It's not the fault of this innocent child that the man who is most likely his father is rejecting him. Personally speaking, I wouldn't ever stay with a man who denies a child that is potentially his. If he has doubts he should get a paternity test, but if the paternity was positive and he didn't start taking an active role in his child's life... he's no man worth my time.

Ariana - posted on 10/22/2012

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If you're going to blame someone it should be your boyfriend. This is not the families fault, it's not the child or mothers fault, it's your boyfriends fault. If you can't accept that he lied to you then you should get out of the situation.



Basically you're now dating a man who has lied to you and abandoned his first child. He refuses to be involved in that childs life. How must the mother of that child feel? The family accepts the child but not the man who really should? It isn't up to them to spell things out for you, it was up to your BF. The family is doing the right thing, they aren't betraying you, they're acknowledging a child who your boyfriend has abandoned.



I understand everyone feels the way they feel, but yes, it is a bit awful that you don't want your child 'mixing' with the first child. It's understandable that you would be upset, you do need to acknowledge that this is in no way that other childs fault. It's not the childs fault, if anything your bf needs to step it up and take care of the first one. I mean if you two break up is he going to become difficult and pretend that your child isn't his? He's done it once right?



There's no easy answer to this. I guess your options are to leave him for lying to you, or try to get some sort of closure in the fact that he's telling you now. I personally wouldn't be able to trust someone who's lied about something so major. If you stay I think your BF needs to acknowledge the other child and do right by him/her. It's terrible that there is a 3 year old without a father when the father is capable of being in his life.

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