How do I cope with my boyfriend already having a child?

Jo - posted on 01/19/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

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Help! Need advice ASAP. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and still having an issue coping with him already have a first-born son. I adore his kid, and understand I have no place in his life due to him living with the mom (who re-married) but my boyfriend doesn’t understand that the kid has a routine. What do I mean by that? Well, my boyfriend doesn’t make a lot of money these days so the odds of him personally providing a home for the kid to live with him is slim to none, unless he gets a better paid job and it would be most likely be when the kid turns into a rebellious teen. Now, I don’t 100% know the kid will be a issue, but in my best interest, I must look at the possibility.
I have my reasons for thinking his son will be a problem conveniently around the time I believe I’ll be ready to have my first, such as…. He constantly gets in trouble in school (he’s 6) for threatening to stab other children, or telling his father that he likes death…. The list goes on. Now I’m not trying to make his kid look like the next active shooter, but I am a third party that has openly express my concerns for the kid and well it’s just laughed off or denied for being serious. His son supposedly has ADD and was a colic child from birth. My boyfriend was so traumatized he submitted into his ex’s request to get a vasectomy and the genius did it! Now he claims it can be reversed, but should I really take the chance? Matter fact if his last was colic would I want to chance this?
His kid is smart, bright, and a funny little guy and I have grown to adore him, but I can’t deny my gut instinct.
So I am about to turn 30, and I do plan have 1 maybe 2 kids within the next 5-6yrs.
I’m saddened because I’m just realizing that love doesn’t always have my best interest in mind. This is my fear, if we’re lucky: I’m just about to have my first kid with a man who’s already gone through it once with a woman he calls a witch, (don’t they always) and his son becomes pragmatic during the special time any woman deserves to be happy. Am I horrible? Over analyzing? My boyfriend is the sweetest man I’ve ever been with and I’ve had two ex-husbands so I‘ve seen a lot. My question is this:
AM I WRONG FOR WANTING TO BREAKING UP WITH HIM?
IS there something wrong with me?

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Michelle - posted on 01/19/2013

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I would look at it this way. He can't even support the son he has, what makes you think he's going to be any different with your children. The real question is: Do you want to be a single Mother?

It's got nothing to do about coping with him already having a child, it's about if he can provide for you when you have to stop working to have his child.

Yes a vasectomy can be reversed but it doesn't always work so I wouldn't count on it. If he can't afford to have his own place how is he going to afford to get the vasectomy reversed?

Just because his son had colic as a baby doesn't mean any children you have together will. I'm also very dubious about the reason he has told about why he got a vasectomy. If it's true then do you really want to be with a man that can't stand up for himself?

There are so many things that would have sent me running a long time ago and you say you've been married twice before.

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