How do I cope with my boyfriend having a child?

[deleted account] ( 2 moms have responded )

I am 23 years old and a recent college graduate. I am currently in grad school. I dated my current boyfriend in high school from my freshmen year in high school until my first semester in college and we broke up the distance killed us, we were young. Fast forward 4 years later I graduate and move back to our home town and we get back together but he has a 1 year old son with another woman who he loved and intended to start a family with (they planned the pregnancy). I myself accidently got pregnant in college but had a miscarriage and he knows about this. I have struggled with the miscarriage for some time now but now that I have to deal with him having a child it is more prevalent than ever. I love him dearly and we plan to get married and have children of our own in the next 4-6 years but right now I am really having a hard time with him having a baby with another women. I am somewhat jealous that he gave himself fully to someone else when I was there first but now I won’t ever be first she has his first son and I will never have that. I know that is very selfish but I think it’s harder because I was there first. I think I am also struggling with this right now because I have not met the child or mother. The mother is making it nearly impossible for him to see his son or me to meet them. He wants me to love and accept his son but it’s hard because I have no connection to them yet. I want love his son just like he does. I guess I want advice on how to handle my jealous feelings toward his ex and how to fully accept this. I have every intention on being with him for the rest of my life but I don’t want to feel like I cheated myself out of being with a man that only has children with me. I also struggle with thinking he might leave me for her because she left him he didn’t leave her and he was still pursuing her up until right before we got back together. Please share any similar stories or advice. I am already going through a lot so negative advice about my feelings is not necessary. We are moving in with each other in August and I really want to have an understanding and my feelings in check before then. Thank you


Ev - posted on 04/16/2013




Maybe from what you say about the situation, you are not yet ready to become his girlfriend and then partner for life. You need time to get back into the swing of things after coming back home. You may not want to hear this either but when you broke off after that first semester of college, it left him and you both open to dating and other relationships. Things changed. One of the others mentioned that. He might also be coming back to you on the rebound. You should try dating other people while he works out his life and that of his child and see what other people are out there. There are more than one fish in the sea as they say. I would not move in until I have been around him a lot more often and gotten to know him again. What you knew in high school and that first part of college is not the same anymore.

Take your time and figure yourself out too.

Dove - posted on 04/16/2013




Time. If he only stopped pursuing her because you came back in the picture... I would think LONG and HARD about moving in with him so soon. I know he was your high school sweetheart, but 4 years and having a kid can change a person. He should be entirely focused on sorting out custody and visitation issues with his ex right now and dealing with his feelings about the whole thing.... not just jumping back to a relationship with you.

I think you are right to have some doubts and while you think you are certain about spending the rest of your life with this man.... I don't think you should move forward in your relationship until he has everything as sorted out as possible with his ex and you have your feelings of jealousy sorted out too.

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