How do I explain something to my four year old step daughter I cant understand my self?

Sarah - posted on 05/05/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Recently my fiance's ex wife turned us into social services for living togther without being married... she made up a bunch of lies and said that the kids were hysically neglected including my son. Social services came to investigate... where he has primary physical custody he was afraid of loosing the kids because its in their court papers about living unmarried. His ex wife is doing the same thing with her boyfriend yet he refuses to turn her in. I had to move out... I dont fully understand everything and Cheyenne crys and asks me why i dont love her anymore and why I dont want to live with her any more. I try telling her I do love her and that we will live togther soon just we cant right now but she crys herself to sleep and she is extreemly clingy when i am arround. Now its starting to cause problems between me and my fiance we never argued before and now all it seems like we do is argue.... Please help Im so confused

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Iliana - posted on 05/05/2010

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You don't need to be married to take care of this problem. It is very tough for you both I'm sure. I can't imagine having to go through such nonsense. What's important is the your current family stays strong, intact and supportive. Stay calm if you can and keep your chin up. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Try to take a step back with every issue and approach it objectively. Don't let your head get clogged up with crazy thoughts and emotions. Hard to do I know...

I had a friend tell me once that ducks and geese mate for life. They are friends and that's why they fly together. "Ducks stick together!" She said to me. I have never forgotten that. You and your fiance are on the same team. Stick together and you'll find answers together. Hugs!

Heather - posted on 05/05/2010

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I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. I can't offer firsthand advice about this situation, but as far as Cheyenne goes, she must love you so much to be reacting this way! I would think that part of her reaction is due to the fact that her parents split up, and she is afraid you are going away like her mom did. If you already have a wedding date (congrats btw!), maybe setting up a "countdown calender" for when you are going back to living with them. This will give her some sort of proof that it will really happen and something to look forward to. Also, talking to her on the phone and making sure she knows that you just missed her, so you wanted to call and say hi. Maybe making dates for just the two of you will be good for her - she needs strong women in her life and it sounds like you are perfect for the job!
As far as your fiance goes, you should both try and remember that the bottom line is you are fighting for the same thing - what is best for the kids! When an argument starts, stop it until you are both calm. Always remember to tell the other person how you felt when they did something, rather than just attacking what they have done. (ie. not: "You don't take out the trash!" but: "When you don't take out the trash it makes me feel like you want me to do everything in the kitchen by myself." I hope this helps!

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Ms. - posted on 08/27/2013

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Dont know what city/state you live in but I would be damned if SOCIAL SERVICES would tell me how to live & who can & cannot live with me married or not. They(SOCIAL SERVICES) cant even save the kids that are being abused...WTH...But you wanna interfere in someones happines becasue of a fone call. I would have told SOCIAL SERVICES to Kiss My A**!

The ex is an ex for a reason, keep that hoe outta you guys business, she would not even know where we lived at. Ex's can be some evil people.

Sarah - posted on 05/05/2010

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this situation is alot more difficult because i have to go threw the custody issue with peytons "father" who did the same thing as their mother. we both dont want to elope because he got married at the pastors house before and i got married at the court house before.. we havent set a definate wedding date yet and with all these issues im a little apprehensive about doing it

Carolee - posted on 05/05/2010

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Elope, or leave the house only to sleep. There's nothing wrong with "visiting" all day, every day, until the kids are in bed.

Alison - posted on 05/05/2010

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How long until you get married? Have you considered a civil wedding just to have the paperwork? Ultimately, you got involved in a man with a past and you have to respect his commitment to their agreement. I think it is admirable the way he is handling the situation. Try to understand how challenging this is for him and support his decisions as he is the dad.

Try to do what you can to reunite your family as quickly as possible.

Can you not be there at bedtime, even if you keep your toothbrush somewhere else???

[deleted account]

Right dont give in look for answers and tell them because of this a small child is being traumatized over it.The child is the main concern here as i can read in your post and that shows me the love you have for this child,dont give up ask questions and find everything out to clear your names and to get back living together and caring for this child.



I feel for this child its clear her mother did this out of nothing but ignorance and its hurt her own child ,she wanted to hurt you and her ex and she did but this child is caught in the middle of her cruelness and thats heartbreaking as it must be for you to see her like that...as i said you sound like a good person so you and your boyfriend need to fight this one for the sake of this little girl she deserves it.



Don't settle for the way things are it will not hurt to fight it all social services want is a good loving home for this child and if for now you cant live with them you can still see the child be there and then go home when shes asleep always be there as much as you can and tell her how much you love and care for her..things will get better believe that.:-)

Iliana - posted on 05/05/2010

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I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. I have friends that have gone through similar hassles with the ex. His daughter is now 15 and his ex is still being a 'B'. He doesn't act like her and take revenge because he wants to take the higher ground and show their daughter he played cleanly. One day their kid will see who did the right thing and the ex will lose her daughter.

All you can do is be as supportive as possible with the little girl. She's is a victim in her mother's cruel game with her father. Tell her every day that you love her and will be there for her when ever she needs you. I don't know how much access she has to you but make sure you are as available as you can be. Tell she can call you any time of day or night if she needs to talk. That will make her feel better if she can get a hold of you in the middle of the night. Not letting her call you because it's 2 in the morning will not help her and she is the one that needs the help. Tell her it's not her fault that she has done nothing wrong. Tell her ever chance you get. When you do see her spend quality time with her. Make the time you get together feel warm and without conflict. If you and your fiance argue in front of her their will be more turmoil than a 4 yr old child can handle. Be as supportive of your fiance as possible even though you might feel like lashing our at the ex. Concentrate on keeping the family together and happy. The courts and legal issues are his problem all you can do is be there and support. You can't tell him what to do or it will cause conflict. Let him know your opinion, talk calmly. Express you feelings and tell him it's just your opinion and you will support his discissions. He might be more willing to listen if you aren't making it seem like you're telling him what to do. He is likely very frustrated and beyond confused. He probably feels helpless and angry. Men are fixers. They want to fix things and make it better. When they can't they tend to lash out at the people they love. Likely you. Comfort him and you will have a different man. Show him you can be better than ex. don't turn into her or reduce yourself to her level.

Good luck to you. After seen my friends go through some crazy things with the ex ( which by the way the courts are nuts) nothing surprises me anymore. Take care of your family. They need you.

Rebecca - posted on 05/05/2010

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and he could get in trouble for knowing she is living with her bf not being married

Kate CP - posted on 05/05/2010

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There is no law in the US stating that two consenting adults can't co-habitate. What if you were just roommates? This is something worth looking into. I'd have your fiance contact his lawyer and figure out something.

Rebecca - posted on 05/05/2010

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wow im lucky its not that difficult here i would had thought that it would had bn a better thing for the children to have another peranting type of figure and someone who cares for them..a countdown calandar sounds great a way of reasurance and it would make the time go buy quicker..im going by what im going through now with my ex iv seeked legal advise and the thing is if i dont be completely honest about things on my side and his even if i dont want to be cos it may seem like im being revengful i have to other wise it can be used against me in court . they need to know everything thats going on because she could b like well i havent done anything wrong and they have (even though she has) i want the kids and it could be to late to step up and say that well she has done wrong .. but as i sed im in australia so its different here alot easier it sounds

Sarah - posted on 05/05/2010

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Its a hard situation to be in but is it court ordered that they don't live with anyone unless they are married or is it something they both wanted to have in their agreement? I have been watching dr. phil lately and the "dr. phil family" has the same type of situation! The mother had it put into the court papers that she wouldn't have a guy living with her unless she was married and her kids were taken away from her! if they both agreed to it then thats how it has to be and he should have known that before he had you move in! as for his ex... it sounds like she is just trying to control his life now and he's letting her do it! if the court papers say that they can't have other ppl living with them unless they are married then she should be following that rule as well! i'm sorry but if she just up and left him and the kids then i don't think she deserves to have any special treatment!

but i agree that cheyenne loves you so much is she is that upset by all of this! I agree with heather's idea of making a count down calendar for her! and i hope you and your fiance work things out! if you truly love him then you should not be upset with him for what the court papers say and the rules they have set for him! its great you have moved out to help him keep custody of his kids it shows how much you care about him and his kids! hang in there!

Sarah - posted on 05/05/2010

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i live in the us, in virginia actually but divorce laws and custody laws here are crazy. she walked out on him and the kids and didnt want anything to do with them until i came in the picture. he thinks that being revingeful will only make the situation worse

Rebecca - posted on 05/05/2010

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i think thats really unfair .. and i dont understand why you had to move out i dunno where you live so it might be different where you are but im pretty sure here it dosent matter if your married or not .. i think that if shes gonna play dirty then he needs to set some ground ruls with her and its best to tell the truth about her and not hide things cos she can then use it in court

Kerry - posted on 05/05/2010

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Sarah why were papers drawn up stating about living with a partner unless married? If this is a UK thing then I would be very surprised at it. Have you seen the court papers?

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