How do I gain back some control of my 13 year old?

Mrs Hilary Claire - posted on 03/07/2015 ( 10 moms have responded )

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If I try to clamp down set boundaries or ground him he stays away more and situations escalate

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Jodi - posted on 03/07/2015

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I'm sorry, but I a just seeing a LOT of excuses (and am also wondering why you keep deleting your posts).

"I could not wash his clothes, I don't think he'd care."

Why does it matter whether he cares or not? Right there you admitted you would not stop doing things for him. I'm sorry, so he can treat you like crap....but you just let him walk all over you because you still do his washing, still cook his meals, still let him have everything in his bedroom. I'd be stripping his room right back to bare bones and letting him damn well earn it back. But your comment here is a perfect example of why he does what he does - because he knows there aren't really any true hardships involved with the consequences.

" I could do parenting classes but things are so easy to say much harder to do"

Really? You don't say! That's why they say parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. And this is yet another excuse you are using NOT to parent your child. I'm sorry, but anyone who can say this about parenting classes is clearly not going to take on any parenting advice I have. Because it will be hard. You are either going to have to accept that resolving this issue IS going to be harder to do than to say or your 13 year old is going to continue what he is doing, and probably even worse.

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Michelle - posted on 03/07/2015

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I'm wondering the same thing Dove. I have no idea what has been said so I can't really give advice.

Dove - posted on 03/07/2015

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Why do you keep deleting your comments every time someone responds to you?

Mrs Hilary Claire - posted on 03/07/2015

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You are right on most of what you say. However I can't pick him up from school I finish work after him and don't drive. I could not wash his clothes, I don't think he'd care. Spoilt is one thing he is not, he has no tv, he's banned from family xbox and shares a phone with his brother to use face book etc. he's banned from that too. He has a basic phone for my benefit, which is the only thing I can take off him as he doesn't have gadgets. I could do parenting classes but things are so easy to say much harder to do

Jodi - posted on 03/07/2015

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So have consequences for when he stays out after school. Or start picking him up from school yourself. It doesn't matter if he doesn't agree with the boundaries. Have clear consequences for when he doesn't keep them. You seem to be having all these "chats" with him about consequences and boundaries, responsibility and respect, but not actually doing anything. Perhaps it is time for him to realise that everything he has in his room (perhaps except his mattress and a blanket and the basic clothing necessities) are privileges. This is YOUR house and YOUR rules. Stop allowing him to dictate what he may and may not do. If he has a phone, remove it. If he has a computer or tv, remove it. If you wash his laundry, stop. He can EARN his privileges. He sounds like a spoiled brat. He is 13 years old. If you don't do something about this now, I guarantee, it will only get worse.

Maybe you could look into some parenting classes to help you.

Jodi - posted on 03/07/2015

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I guess I'm not understanding why you can't set boundaries and consequences. He stays away where? It escalates how? Is this because you give in when he does these things so he thinks if he escalates it, he will get his own way? I see you have admitted that discipline hasn't exactly been consistent recently. This is definitely a big part of the issue. You have to stop letting him play you and dad off with each other.

Dove - posted on 03/07/2015

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He needs to be in counseling. Sure, he may not open up there, but eventually he just might. A good counselor will also help YOU to come up w/ ways to reach him and can be a helpful resource to holding you both accountable.

You are right that you can not control what he does or does not do because he is a person, not a robot... BUT you CAN make the consequences of his behavior such that compliance is the best option. You say he 'stays away'... as in run away? He's 13... call the police and have him found and brought back home....

Sit down and talk to him about what you both feel are reasonable boundaries and behaviors and what you both feel are reasonable consequences to breaking those boundaries. Let him know that you understand he is growing up and he deserves more freedoms, but w/ those freedoms comes more responsibilities and if he can not perform his responsibilities he is showing that he's not yet mature enough for the freedoms.

Ev - posted on 03/07/2015

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Yes, you can. You are his mother and parent. Its up to you to set boundaries and rules and consequences. Even though he has been dealing with a set of parents that are back and forth to court for custody and whatever else is going on, he needs a constant set of rules to be held accountable for. He is 13 years old. If you keep allowing him to do what he wants as he wants when he wants, you are going to find more trouble each year he gets older. You need to get him into counseling as well. And what is it that is taking so long in court? Custody? Divorce? All of it? Because I can tell you now from some of his behavior that though its normal for them to try to walk all over a parent at a teen or get by the rules, he is hurting from all the fighting going on in court. You can not tell me he does not know what is going on because he does. He may not know details but he knows there is constant battles going on. That is another part of why he is doing what he is doing.

Ev - posted on 03/07/2015

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My question is this: Have you had any boundaries and rules set and been consistent with them from the time he was little?

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