How do I get my 14 year old daughter to stop smoking?

[deleted account] ( 12 moms have responded )

My daughter just told me that she is smoking. She never smokes in my home, but when she is at her father's home, she smokes with her friends. Her father didn't know about either. He couldn't tell if she had smoked either because he is a smoker.
She says she has smoked for a year now.

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Gardensparrow - posted on 10/02/2015

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Well, it sounds like you've got some good advice already. But, along with what Jodi and Sarah shared, you might want to direct your daughter to a website like the Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) or the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA). They have images there of what smoking/tobacco can do to you physically. So, that might be a good wake-up call. Of course, I think getting your ex on board with stopping this behavior is going to be key. So, I'm not sure what your relationship is like, but it would probably be a good idea to talk with him about this, and get his help with laying down the law when she's at his house...

Gardensparrow - posted on 10/07/2015

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Well, glad to hear that about the school. That will probably be helpful for you. Sorry about her dad, though. I know that's hard. And, I don't know if this will help or not, but I found an article at http://bit.ly/1LyJeCD that talks about parenting conflicts with an ex. So, just FYI if you want to take a look...

Gardensparrow - posted on 10/05/2015

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You're welcome, Asa! I know this isn't an easy situation to know how to handle. But, hopefully, seeing what smoking can do to you physically will help her think twice about picking up a cigarette. I'll certainly be praying that's the case anyways. But keep us posted on how things go, OK?

Sarah - posted on 10/02/2015

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If you live the US whomever is supplying her is criminally liable. I'd contact her pediatrician and have him/her scare her a bit. Also, the school district may have a smoking cessation program.
Bottom line you need to stop her, you can test her urine or saliva for nicotine byproducts (cotinine). Test her each week, and each time she fails she loses a privilege. Phone, computer, TV, friends, clothing, and on and on until she is left with an empty bedroom, a pillow, blanket, flashlight and one change of clothing. By law you are only required to provide shelter, food and clothing. Take her bedroom door off the hinges and leave her with no privacy. I did this one time with my son at 15. It was an enormous pain the the butt, but worth it to get the message across that his behavior was not acceptable and would not be tolerated. I never had another issue again with any of my kids, they all knew from witnessing their brother's consequence that I was not to be messed with. Period.
If you look at this long term and she is addicted to nicotine, you are saving her life. How far would you go if she were smoking heroin? Contact the school and have them watch the bathrooms. They also can inspect lockers, go thru purses, test kids (and kick them off sports teams) What is happening is criminal and i would hunt the supplier down!

Jodi - posted on 10/02/2015

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This is a tough one, because if she has a supply of cigarettes from her friends, there is little you can do to stop the supply. Does the school know about your concerns regarding her smoking? This is an issue that can be raised with the school nurse, who can have a chat to her about the health concerns. Maybe she is already addicted (highly possible), so would like some assistance to quit, which is where the school nurse can help. Understanding why she is smoking will also be helpful in then trying to get her to stop.

Find out where she is getting the cigarettes (in many places it is illegal to sell cigarettes to someone this age, so she has a supply somewhere). Is she getting them from dad without him realising? Is dad concerned? If he is, then maybe he needs to set a better example? I'll be honest, I am an ex-smoker myself, and the day my daughter picked up a stick and pretended to smoke like mummy, I haven't picked up a cigarette since. I WANT to be the example for my child. Can he do that?

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[deleted account]

Giving you an update.
She still smokes before school and after. She smokes at her father's house because he still lets her. We have taken away things from her room and she doesn't smoke in our home. We take her school computer (only one she got) and mobile phone and she has to earn them back when she shows us she has quit smoking. She says it's hard to stop smoking but she hasn't smoked during the weekend.
I, however have search for help for her because she doesn't mentally feel so good. Her grades in school has been falling and she has done many other things she shouldn't do and when we talked to her she says that we don't understand. So I thought she should talk to someone about it, a psychiatrist. (She will meet them for the first time in about one week)

[deleted account]

This issue will be hard to solve. I just learned today that her father lets her smoke in his house on the balcony. He says he is against her smoking. I said to him that you are not against it when you let her do it in your home. He still said he is against it and that we were working on the same goal, to get her to stop.
I told him again that he doesn't when he let's her.
He didn't understand apparently and said to me "well you do it your way and I'm doing it my way" :(

[deleted account]

Yes the school doesn't tolerate them smoking or having any substance in school.
I do have a frustration that their father, despite knowing that she probably smokes with her friend, just letting her be with them every day when she is there. :( what can I do about that?

Gardensparrow - posted on 10/06/2015

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Ugh-that's frustrating. But at least maybe the school will be keeping an eye out for her smoking. And, hopefully, her dad will as well...

[deleted account]

Thanks I will. She has come home from her father's place now and she has been smoking there with her friends that smokes. :( I also got mail from her teacher that she brought cigarettes to school and that is forbitten. They took the pack from her and I'm glad for that. She was angry over her so called friend, went through her bag and gave it to the teacher, not that she was wrong for bringing it to school. :(

[deleted account]

Thank you I will visit the site :) I have wanted to find something that will scar her. I'm thinking of what problem she can get from this. I have shown her pictures. Her father has astma and I'm afraid she can get that too, because of this. I don't have a good relationship with her father but I have gotten words that he doesn't like that she smokes. She knows what this is doing to him, because we have talked to her about it. That's the hardest part to understand why she started with it when she knows that. :
I know she gets her supplies from her friends and she says that she ones could buy cigarettes from a store and driven by foreigners. I live in Sweden but I know it's pretty much the same rules that they have a bed to sleep in and clothes. The hardest part is to get my ex to understand that this is for her and not to get to him for beginning a bad father. My children has a hard time with him and they doesn't think he cares for them. But that's another issue to deal with. Thanks for your advice. :)

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