how do i get my 6 yr old son and my husband to STOP fighting?

Nicole - posted on 03/02/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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it seems like my husband and my son fight ALL the time over stupid stuff. and the worst part is, is he gets down to my 6yr olds level and i cant handle that much longer it is tearing my marraige apart! i need help!

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Laura - posted on 03/03/2009

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Right away this makes me think of that scene in "Night at the Museum" where the night watchman has been fighting with the monkey and the wax figure Teddy Roosevelt asks, over and over again, "who's evolved?" until the night watchman gets it -- he's the advanced thinker, not the monkey!  It seems to me the primary relationship that requires attention is that between you and your husband.  When you are on the same page regarding the behavior of your son, it may not cut down on the number of times they "get into it," but it should shorten them and bring relief, not because they aren't interacting, but because the interaction now has a point and a definite resolution.  It also sounds like 1) sibling rivalry, with your husband acting the part of the older brother 2) control issues, wherein your husband may mistakenly expect this child to act reasonably, as an adult 3) your husband may wish he could get away with some of the behaviors your son does simply because he IS a child, and so your husband may feel, if I can't do those things, neither can he!  I understand about the bickering, because some time ago I discovered myself in a similar situation with my daughter.  By trying to explain the logic of my decisions to her, insisting she agree that what I said was right, I have trained her to argue and now she is 13.  It's been a struggle, but I do think that now we're on a better track, with her coming to realize that my authority is because of my position, not because of my person.  I am the mom.  Not her.  End of story.  It's hard for me to stick to as well, since I like to explain things, but that isn't the right approach for my child.  We are both being matured!  Hope this helps a little.

Jade - posted on 03/02/2009

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hey nicole, ooo i have the same issue in mylife,my 6 yr old daughter and my partner fighting...no...niggling over stupid stuff all day!!..YES it is tearing my relationship apart too...but what about what its doing to your little son?? This must have some kind of negative impact on his self-esteem and this will be something he will look back on for the rest of his life.As parents we want our children to have nothing but happy memories as children.So my family is doing family counselling for blended familys,and i strongly suggest your family do counselling along the same lines.Your husband is just going to have to grow up and get over himself and see how important this issue is and he needs to understand how easily it can get out of hand..If he still thinks this is not an option for your family,id be thinking about where your loyalties lie...with your husband who argues like a child.....or your son who needs proper guidance ,love and support from atleast one of his parents!!!...maybe it is time you asked yourself where your loyalties lie? Perhaps you should take control of this situation before it ruins your sons and your life too?

Kat - posted on 03/03/2009

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I am an adult child of an argumentative & unreasonable father. My Mother was forever trying to keep the peace & stop situations before they even started. What she has ended up doing was stifle my personality & take away my confidence in speaking my own mind. It is a fine line, so be careful in what you do to prevent arguments. Your child still has the right to speak their mind/feelings without feeling scared of consequences. Just another point of view to consider. Good Luck with a difficult situation.

Anne - posted on 03/02/2009

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My husband and 6 year old son go at it all the time too! My husband always expects my ADHD son to be so much more mature than he is. I worry about the emotional damage to my son - always being picked on - and I am always jumping in - trying to stop it (Mother bear protecting her cub) which of course makes it worse!!! We did get some counseling but what is really helping is the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" the book is awesome and the way it describes parenting techniques and styles helps you see that what you are doing may not be the best way to get desired results. It helps my husband to read and discover these things himself rather than me or someone else telling him. My husband is reading at his own pace and things are getting better. My attitude and praise when DH controls his impulses and anger go a lot farther then my trying to stop them once they are both heated up. I also gave my husband an out - if he ever gets frustrated he can leave the room and I will deal with the problem so he does not loose his temper. Usually he cant stop long enough to walk out but when he does I step in and then praise DH for maintaining control. I try to remember that we are learning to be parents. It takes time and WORK to get it and once you do the kids hit a new developmental stage and everything changes again! Laugh - use humor to stop a heated moment - even if there is noting funny it will evaporate some of the tension. Know what things set you husband off and try to prevent the situations. Good luck!

Tammy - posted on 03/03/2009

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Unfortunately I am in this group as well, except my daughter is 3.  We rae doing counseling and I first I thought it was working but recently I think it is worse.  They fight about everything and the sad part is my daughter now act as though she does stuff just to make him yell.  Even the littlest things make him yell.  He has no patients for anything and I am afraid that it will get worse.  He doesnt see what he is doing and it is tearing me apart.  My daughter told me the other day that she thinks that daddy is quitting being her friend.  I dont know what to do.

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Lisa - posted on 01/04/2011

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So relieved that someone else is going through the same thing that I am. My husband seems to love to annoy our 6 yr old. He bickers with her, tells stupid jokes while she is talking, argues... I cant live like this. I get so upset, hearing this every day! I do not want her to be a frustrated child. Which she seems to already be... thanks for posting this thread, I now have some good solutions,too.

Dawn - posted on 03/03/2009

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i personally think your husbands needs to get a grip, and grow up,!!!!! my ex partner was like that with my nephew, and it got to a point where it got really irritating, and i felt like i was beginning to hate his childish ways, i also found that my nephew was loosing all respect for him as well, when my little boy came along there was no way i was gonna let my little boy go through the same thing, so that is why he is now the ex, good luck x x

Jade - posted on 03/03/2009

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what a bunch of amazing mothers you all are beautiful ppl just trying to make the entire household a peaceful,relaxing,loving environment for EVERYONE. You all need to give yourselves a big pat on the back for the fantastic job you are all doing,even though we have "problems" in our familys, all we do is try to make it a better tomorrow for our children...

User - posted on 03/03/2009

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Unfortunately, I have been living with this as well.  What I do, and it is nowhere near the best solution, is that when they start I separate them and I diffuse the situation.  I let me son go and talk to my husband (it's easier to stop the situation by getting my husband to stop first) for a few minutes to find out his point of view.  Then I go and ask my son his point of view, I don't talk, I just listen.  And when I have heard both sides, if my son was out of line, I tell him and I punish him accordingly; however, this does not mean my husband gets off the hook.  When my husband is out of line, I make him apologize. 



But what I did do that alleviated the problem tremendously was that I put up a dry erase board with rules and their coinciding punishments for breaking them.  This way there is no argument over who did what and how it will be punished.  It gets done exactly the same every time; whether your husband likes it or not.  My son gets a time out (2 mninutes per year old he is) and toys get taken away for a week.  It's consistent, and, depending on the indiscretion, the severity of punishments vary.  You will see how much this can change the mood in just a week!



 



Good luck!

Kara-Leigh - posted on 03/02/2009

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Also, remember to be consistent in any strategy you chose to use. Even if it doesn't work the first time... consistency will allow your son to know the boundaries.

Kara-Leigh - posted on 03/02/2009

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Do you have a set discipline tactic? My husband has had a similar problem with my daughter. However the circumstance is a little difference, as she is 4 years old and we recently married, so he is "learning" how to be a father, and apparently arguing is the learning process. We had to sit down and set out the rules with her, and the consequences that would go with the rules... such as back talking... she is given ONE warning, and reminded of the consequence, and if it goes on farther than that she is sent to her room for 5 minutes, and then has to apologize, naming what she is sorry for. This has eliminated the bickering back and forth... it's a power play. Also, make sure you never "correct" your husband in front of your son, or your son will never learn to stop fighting either. I hope this helps. 

Jade - posted on 03/02/2009

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christines said it right..actually spot on when she said he has to learn to pick his battles with the children!! if we corrected every lil thing that they were doing wewould be a screaming mess on the floor too :-)  great advice!

Christelle - posted on 03/02/2009

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We are also having some trouble with that - I think because my husband does not deal with the childre all day, but only in the mornings and evening, he's not that used to the conflict that can arise and/or how to discipline without losing your calm.  It's difficult but important to remember that YOU are the adult and therefor should remain in control of the situation - again, it's DIFFICULT - I sometimes go sit and cry in the bathroom, out of frustration!   I learning now to take my son to his room, instruct him to stay there until he can remain calm and talk normal instead of screaming.  trying to teach it to the husband as well ;-)  He wants to resolve the situation immediately and reason with a five year old - both impossible. 



 



Also, try and remind him to choose his battles - don't bicker and fight over every last little thing and in the end you loose your child.

Nicole - posted on 03/02/2009

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Quoting Nicole:



Quoting Beatrice:

What kind of things do they fight about? I feel for you, I can't imagine an adult coming down to a 6yo level to fight with them. Im sure as well as tearing your marriage apart it will deeply affect their relationship. Have you tried counseling?






 thanks. i have talked to my husband about that and i dont think he would go for that.



they fight about every thing. school, sleep, getting up to go to school, where he plays, what he wears, if he gets in to the fridge, ect....... so you see my picture?


 

Nicole - posted on 03/02/2009

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Quoting Beatrice:

What kind of things do they fight about? I feel for you, I can't imagine an adult coming down to a 6yo level to fight with them. Im sure as well as tearing your marriage apart it will deeply affect their relationship. Have you tried counseling?



 thanks. i have talked to my husband about that and i dont think he would go for that.

Beatrice - posted on 03/02/2009

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What kind of things do they fight about? I feel for you, I can't imagine an adult coming down to a 6yo level to fight with them. Im sure as well as tearing your marriage apart it will deeply affect their relationship. Have you tried counseling?

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