Terrified - posted on 10/11/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )
This is a fake account. I am too ashamed to use my own name, or my face to make this post. you will understand why if you continue reading.
I was molested when I was a little girl. My brother and I have had ONE conversation about it...and he admitted to me that I wasn't the only one.
Years ago, I was riding by the local swimming hole and SAW my stepfather sitting in his truck at the swimming hole...watching the little kids playing. It nauseated me. From 30 feet away I KNEW what he was doing. I turned around and went back to the swimming spot. I walked right up to a crowd of big strong men and asked them, "who here has little girls playing in the water?" Two of the men there nodded yes. I turned and pointed at that silver chevy truck and told the men...that man has been sitting in his truck, has he gotten out? Does he have family here? The answer was no, of course. I already knew that. Then I told the two men that the man in the chevy truck molested me from age 9 until age 16..when I ran away. I went and got back in my truck and left. Ten minutes later, I drove by the swimming hole again, he was gone. The men had run him off. MAN I felt so LIBERATED! I managed to make him STOP! It was the ONLY time in life I managed to make him stop...but I DID IT!
Ten years later...I have my own son. I am so proud of him! He really is the light of my LIFE! I honestly thought I would die alone..with no one to care. Now that I have my child, I know I will never be alone again. I'm quite sure that feeling comes from what my stepdad did to me when I was a kid.
Today's problem is WAY bigger than a man watching little girls splashing in the water. I am terrified someone is going to touch my son. I haven't left him with a baby sitter, he's almost 18 months old. I haven't let him leave my sight. Ever. He went to the nursery at the hospital TWICE after birth. I stood at the window watching them both times. I can't trust my husband to bathe him...or change his diaper. I am so protective over him I always find an excuse that it's just easier for ME to do it. "I know where the diapers are" "he's using a little medicine on his butt right now" "the diapers are upstairs."
Now the problem is NOT that my husband would EVER touch our son...I don't think he would. He has spent about 20 years trying to council me into feeling better about myself. He knows all the creepy little details about what my stepdad has done. It infuriates him, I don't think the man has it in him to hurt anyone. It doesn't stop me from being terrified.
I can't leave my son in the room with his uncle...I take him with me. I've never heard one WORD from him that would make me think he would hurt the baby either...I can't control this.
How do I make my mind shut UP about everyone? How do I stop tensing up each time a man in the grocery store speaks to him? All I can hear is this little voice in my head.."yeah I BET you think he's cute!"
Today in the gas station, baby on my hip, the man in line behind me started making faces at the baby. I tensed up...tried to relax...and then looked down at my son's face. His eyes were full of doubt. He turned from the man and hid his face in my chest. Am I altering my child's personality? Am I making him scared of strangers?
How do I get a grip on this and make myself STOP doubting every doctor/mechanic/man in my child's life?