How do I get past child molestation?

Terrified - posted on 10/11/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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This is a fake account. I am too ashamed to use my own name, or my face to make this post. you will understand why if you continue reading.
I was molested when I was a little girl. My brother and I have had ONE conversation about it...and he admitted to me that I wasn't the only one.
Years ago, I was riding by the local swimming hole and SAW my stepfather sitting in his truck at the swimming hole...watching the little kids playing. It nauseated me. From 30 feet away I KNEW what he was doing. I turned around and went back to the swimming spot. I walked right up to a crowd of big strong men and asked them, "who here has little girls playing in the water?" Two of the men there nodded yes. I turned and pointed at that silver chevy truck and told the men...that man has been sitting in his truck, has he gotten out? Does he have family here? The answer was no, of course. I already knew that. Then I told the two men that the man in the chevy truck molested me from age 9 until age 16..when I ran away. I went and got back in my truck and left. Ten minutes later, I drove by the swimming hole again, he was gone. The men had run him off. MAN I felt so LIBERATED! I managed to make him STOP! It was the ONLY time in life I managed to make him stop...but I DID IT!
Ten years later...I have my own son. I am so proud of him! He really is the light of my LIFE! I honestly thought I would die alone..with no one to care. Now that I have my child, I know I will never be alone again. I'm quite sure that feeling comes from what my stepdad did to me when I was a kid.
Today's problem is WAY bigger than a man watching little girls splashing in the water. I am terrified someone is going to touch my son. I haven't left him with a baby sitter, he's almost 18 months old. I haven't let him leave my sight. Ever. He went to the nursery at the hospital TWICE after birth. I stood at the window watching them both times. I can't trust my husband to bathe him...or change his diaper. I am so protective over him I always find an excuse that it's just easier for ME to do it. "I know where the diapers are" "he's using a little medicine on his butt right now" "the diapers are upstairs."
Now the problem is NOT that my husband would EVER touch our son...I don't think he would. He has spent about 20 years trying to council me into feeling better about myself. He knows all the creepy little details about what my stepdad has done. It infuriates him, I don't think the man has it in him to hurt anyone. It doesn't stop me from being terrified.
I can't leave my son in the room with his uncle...I take him with me. I've never heard one WORD from him that would make me think he would hurt the baby either...I can't control this.
How do I make my mind shut UP about everyone? How do I stop tensing up each time a man in the grocery store speaks to him? All I can hear is this little voice in my head.."yeah I BET you think he's cute!"
Today in the gas station, baby on my hip, the man in line behind me started making faces at the baby. I tensed up...tried to relax...and then looked down at my son's face. His eyes were full of doubt. He turned from the man and hid his face in my chest. Am I altering my child's personality? Am I making him scared of strangers?
How do I get a grip on this and make myself STOP doubting every doctor/mechanic/man in my child's life?

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JuLeah - posted on 10/11/2010

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So, I guess I don't need to point out that you will cause harm to your son if you pass on to him your fears of the world.
I also don't need to point out that your fears are understandable and normal.
Good for you for standing up at the swimming hole and naming him!!!!
Many, and I mean many, women and men were assulted as children. I was. I use my own name because I no longer have any shame. I was a kid. It was not my fault. It was not your fault. He went out of his way to make you think it was. He wanted you to blame yourself and not him. But all the shame belongs to him, don't rob him of what he has earned.
I understand the objection you will have to my words. It went on til you were 16, nearly grown, so ....
But, even if, at 16, you threw yourself at him sexually, it is still ALL on him. He was the adult, a father figure. His job was to keep you safe, not cause harm. He programed you from the time you were small, conditioned you to a behavior he wanted. He has done it to others and continues today. They never stop.
There are support groups and there is thearpy .... I suggest both. No weak person would have surived the walk you walked, so don't think you are less in anyway.
You can't MAKE your mind shut up - you can gently teach your mind that the message it is screaming once saved you, was good, was correct, and you are thankful ... but you live in a different world now and the message is no longer valid.
You are taking all the right steps and doing all the right things .... progress not perfection .... it is a life long journey and you walk shoulder to shoulder with millions of other women and men. We can help each other :)

Stephanie - posted on 10/12/2010

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I was also a victim of sexual abuse and rape from the time I was 5 until I was 13. Like a few of the others I am not afraid to use my own name. The man who did this to me, thank God, was put away in prison 7 years ago. I don't let the fear he held over me in to my life now. I did go to therapy for 4 years until I was 18. My therapist helped me out so much. Without her and a few other people in my life, I wouldn't be where I am now. I thought I was destined to be alone because nobody could ever love me when something like that had happened to me.
Im now 21, married and have a beautiful baby girl. My suggestion to you is to talk to someone about it. Get it off your chest and let those feelings out. Keeping it all bottled inside is only going to hurt you more and eventually your child. I only say that because the more you keep him smothered the more he's going to pull away from you later on. You need to trust yourself before you can trust anyone else. I really do hope this helps. If you need to talk or anything feel free to send me a message :)

Angie - posted on 10/11/2010

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First, don't look at anyone else to help you with this. I was attacked by a teacher a dentist and a brother in law. My family turned a blind eye to it all. Because these things happened over 7 years ago, I couldn't press charges against any of these "men". After over 20 years, I decided it was up to me to get the help I needed so I went to therapy. I was diagnosed with PTSD and have been in therapy for 9 months. I have learned live without being paranoid. Get the help you need before your children are stunted by your PTSD. I have to admit, it hasn't been easy but my family and I are so glad I'm doing this!

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Alicia - posted on 03/17/2015

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I totally understand How you feel I cant help it but i have the same fears about my daughter... Shes is two months old... I was molested from age 5-13.

Relating - posted on 03/17/2015

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I know this post is now more than 4 years old but I have tears streaming down my face as I carefully try to type this. It was like I was reading my very own story. Like my soul left my body and typed word for word. I was molested when I was 4 years old. My son will be turning 2 soon and I have the exact same fears you do. I don't want him to leave my sight or trust him with anyone. I feel that I am his only protector. Reading everyone's responses have made me realize that I need counseling. Before I had my son I fooled myself into believing that my molestation wasn't going to define me or affect me. When my son was born it hit me like a freight train. All those fears. Thank you for being brave and sharing our story.

[deleted account]

First of all, your story brought tears to my eyes because like some of the women have posted here, I was also a victim of molestation from about age 3 until I was 10. Unfortunately, by the time I was an out of control adult and finally decided to get help on my own, the statute of limitations in Florida had long since come and gone and I was told by 3 different attorneys that there was nothing I could legally do to my father. He never did suffer any kind of justice. I did get counselling and help though, including being on anti-depressants for a long time. Just the fact that you posted this here, real name or not, shows that you know something needs to be done. I think you are right in worrying about passing along your fears of the world to your son. You have to be strong and you have to FIGHT. Not for your son, but for YOU. If you're ok, he'll be ok too. My heart goes out to you and you'll be in my thoughts.
I also wanted to say to JuLeah that your post also brought me to tears. That last part about walking shoulder to shoulder.....it's been years since I've dealt with my issues, but you remind me that the fight is never over as long as another person suffers. Thank you :)

Betty - posted on 10/12/2010

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I think you are being WAY to hard on yourself. Your child will grow up just fine. Most babies are shy around strangers so you don't need to feel like you somehow caused it.
You went threw a terrible thing and it's natural to want to protect our kids from negative experiances we had as children. We all do this to some degree for different reasons.
You don't need to feel ashamed.

Sneaky - posted on 10/11/2010

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Get counseling - get counseling NOW! It is wonderful that you are a loving wife and mother, but sometimes horrible things happen to us that are outside of our control and when they do it is so important to get the support you need to heal.

It is not my intention to hurt you when I say this - have you considered the idea that every time you think about your stepfather, every time you tense up when someone looks at your child, every time you let what that bastard did to you affect your life, YOU are letting him back into your life? You are effectively letting him still control parts of your life? And yes your son will and probably has already started to notice that you tense up around men so he will become afraid of them, if it goes on long enough your son will even realize that you never leave him alone with his own father so he will become afraid of his own dad too :o( Do you really want your stepfather to have that effect on YOUR child's life? And again, I am not asking that to hurt you, and I am not trying to imply that you are being a bad mum (you are obviously NOT a bad mum!), but if you think about it that way then you KNOW that it is time to get some counseling, to join a support group or whatever you need to do to cut that poison out of your life before it poisons your baby boy too. And you can do it! If you are brave enough to approach those men in the park, if you are brave enough to come here and ask for help, then you are definitely brave enough to do this for your son. Best wishes Terri :o)

Sherri - posted on 10/11/2010

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I was also a victim of molestation and rape from 10-14 yrs old. Get yourself in counselling. You have to get over this for the sake of your son. 1 person in all this big bad hurt you but think of all the millions that you have encountered that have done nothing wrong. You live in fear everyday of your life, you will begin to do the same for your son if you don't get this nipped in the bud A.S.A.P.

GO get help IMMEDIATELY!! It truly is the only way you will every heal.

Krista - posted on 10/11/2010

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I agree with the others. This is not the type of thing that your husband can help you get over -- it's going to require professional counselling. It's not easy to trust, when your trust has been violated in such a horrific fashion, so you're going to need some help in tuning out that voice in your brain that tells you that every man is a pervert and a molester, while still keeping your instincts intact -- it's a fine balance, and one that I'm sure you'll find eventually, but it'll take time and work.

Krista - posted on 10/11/2010

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It sounds like you haven't dealt with what was done to you. Part of that is making the person who did it come to justice. You and your brother have stories of sexual abuse. Use them! Take power over your abuser and make him pay for his actions. You really need to go to the police and tell them about it.

Once you've done that, the only way to deal with the rest is councelling and then baby steps, such as letting your husband do things.
I'm sorry that you went through this, but as an adult you have to own your life.

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