How do I go about getting my step-kids mother to stop bad talking me and their father?

Danielle - posted on 09/22/2009 ( 178 moms have responded )

5

27

0

My step-children, ages 10, 11, and 16 live with my husband and I full time. Everytime we turn around it seems as though their mother, who see's them only every other weeken, is trying to fill their heads full of crap about me or about their dad. First off I don't even know this woman, didn't even know who she was until I met my husband. Also, while my husband was not the best man he could be to her, he has admitted this, and has changed for the better. He is a great husband and wonderful father. He has asked her stop and I have even told her to stop...but now I just don't know what to do!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

She's probably a little on the resentful side that you and your husband have custody. That doesn't; however, give her the right to do this. It will only push the kids further away from her. No matter what they tell you she says, stay kind with your words about their mother. They'll respect you for it in the long run. They'll get to where they don't even want to go around her anymore. Good luck and God Bless.

Heidi - posted on 10/19/2009

1,347

130

175

All you can do is be there for the your stepchildren. They are the ones that matter. Don't worry about what she says or does. Talk to your stepchildren and be sure to let them know how much you and your husband love and care for them. I am not sure if it will get any better for you, but I know the bm in my situation no longer sees her son, my ss. I also have to deal with an ex to my 10 year old son, that has talked my son out of certain things he has wanted to do, over the past years, and there is nothing I can do about that. I don't understand why any parent would do that to there child or children. The only ones getting hurt are the kids and no one else.

Just see the positive in things, like the mom does see her kids every other weekend, my ss hasn't seen his mom in almost 3 years, and my 10 year old only sees his dad twice year. At least the bm in your situation wants to see her kids, unlike the exes in my life.

Take the high road and ignore what she has to say. If she tells the kids something that is hurtful or untrue, tell them the truth, and move forward. The kids come first. As long as you care for them and love as if they were your own, they will see the true side of who is right and who is wrong, and who loves them and who doesn't. Its takes time, so have some patience. I hope it does get better for you.

Kerin - posted on 10/02/2009

129

42

37

I'm replying without reading any of the other responses.



Truth is you cannot make her stop. I wish it were that easy. Ignoring it is probably the number one best solution. If your children mention things you'll need to find a way to calmly discuss it with them or choose not to discuss it with them without showing any signs of it upsetting you. Keep that cool and calm front going even if you have to scream into a pillow at night.

Cat - posted on 10/01/2009

45

68

8

Quoting Sarah:

sounds like you are the one that is immature!!



Now Sarah, that just isn't nice.  You havn't heard both sides of the story, so how can you judge?  These boards are for help and support.  Your response was neither helpful or supportive.  Even if you disagree with the original post, there is a tactful way of saying so.  I think most of the ladies on this board will agree that there is no reason to spend your time responding to posts on this board if you are going to speak negatively.  No one enjoys reading responses like that.  We are all in the same game - doing our best to be fabulous strong mothers!  Personally, I think it is nice that we have an outlet for listening to other people's opinions so that maybe we can look at our situation in a different light.  So please, try to be helpful in the future and not quite so negative.



 



Thanks!  :)

Crystal - posted on 10/19/2009

3

15

0

I had problems with this as well when I first met my boyfriend, and continue to have small issues here and there. The best suggestion is to talk with the kids and ask them what they think and help them make their own decisions. My step kids are younger and my b/f sat down with the 9 year old and told her that we are a family in our house and work hard at including her as part of this family, the family includes "Crystal" (myself). He told her that if she chose to listen to her mom and act as though she didn't like us or had a problem with us then maybe she shouldn't be here. I know it sounds abrupt but I didn't seem to have a problem with her after that. I would talk with the kids and let them know that they know whats really true and what is not becuase it is their relationship with you both not their mothers. I do not agree with bad mouthing the other parent and I have to stop my own b/f on occasion because I do not think it is healthy for the children. Although I have learned that you cannot always control the other person. I believe the best thing you can do is be the bigger person and make sure your kids are aware that they are able to communicate with both of you on what is truthful and what is not and where you stand as a family. Good luck! My situation has gotten better over time and I now evan have open communication with their mother keeping her posted on what is going on with her kids. She now appreciates all that I do and tells me that all the time!

This conversation has been closed to further comments

178 Comments

View replies by

Robin - posted on 03/07/2011

16

25

0

Hi Danielle

I went through something similar to what you are going through. I told the children if their mom starting talking bad about thier dad to look at her and say "You are not only talking bad about dad you are talking bad about us because half of me is him. If you continue to speak badly of my dad in front of me I will no longer visit you." the mother stopped.

The ages of my step children are 27,24, 20,18,10 and 9. I am not sure if you want to go that route but it did give the mom something to think about.
Robin

Teresa - posted on 10/04/2009

1

19

0

Girl good luck. Been there done that.. Just talk to your kids they are old enough to make up their own minds and know who to listen to and who not to... Just let them know you love them no matter what is said.. My kids to this day still dont like their dad.. they made that decision on their own.. Yes they love him but dont like him or his wife.. It took till my kids were grown and out of school before we could talk civil.. Its not easy just be patient.

Jennifer - posted on 10/03/2009

3

10

0

Life is short and children are nine out of ten times so confused when parents get divorced or die and soon re-marries again. One thing I have learned is that to be able to give your, mine, ours the best of both worlds, you have to maintain that there always will be children to share and even if parents cannot live together any more, children will always be loved by both parents. I had my husbands ex living in my house for four years and tried to give our children the best of both worlds. Rules was laid down and kept and thus we build a future for our children together.I have three of my own and my husband had two who lived with us in one house.

Today we each live in our own houses and share the children, married and otherwise. My children have learned that life is indeed short and that to be able to have both parents care equally, you have to be able to share, love and kindness, no matter what the cost. My stepdaughter got married the day after my mothers funeral, I made the wedding cake, her mother sorted the dresses and got every one dressed and we all partook in some way in the organizing of the wedding, to look at the photos on face book of my daughter has made this all worth it. My husband and I am happily married for 14 years, still have barbecues with all the ex's es when there is a special occasion with one of the children and tough our children the value of life!

Tegan - posted on 10/03/2009

7

8

2

there is nothing else you can do...she is insecure, probably hurt and a bit spiteful to involve her children. what you can do is talk with your step-children and explain it isn't their fault and that y'all love them no matter what...give them some tips to handle things when their mother begins to badmouth as I'm sure they are very uncomfortable...'mom it really makes me feel bad when you talk about dad that way, would you please stop' 'mom, it would hurt me if dad something bad about you so please don't say anything about dad' You are right to be concerned because as a child of divorced parents it feels like you, the child, is under attack when a parent badmouths the other. I would have appreciated someone talking with me and giving me tools to handle the situation.

[deleted account]

BTW, I hope the administrator and the mods will be talking to the specific individulas on this post who are being abusive. It is not ok for us step mums to be abused by bio mums who dont even know us or our specific situations. I think you'll find that's actually against the law.

Cat - posted on 10/01/2009

45

68

8

Well...to begin with in most divorce decrees there is a clause on the last page (usually) where the Judge will ORDER both parties to speak in only a positive manner about the other parent to or anywhere around the children. I have to frequently "remind" my ex that this was put in place to protect the children from adult topics that are not meant for little ears. My children are 7 and 9, but already see the difference in the amount of respect I "show" that I have for their father (not that I do have an ounce of respect for him - but as far as they are concerned I do.) vs. the amount of respect he shows towards me. He speaks very negatively about me, hangs up on me and curses at me on the phone while they are in the room with him. I have had to "remind" him of the clause in the divorce decree several times. The last thing he wants to do is look bad in front of a Judge, so that usually fixes things for a few weeks and then we do it all over again.



In addition to that your children are a little older than mine. I would set them down and explain to them the situation briefly. It is obvious that you and your husband have their best interests at heart or you wouldn't have custody of them, she would. Make sure you say that you aren't trying to discredit her or make her look bad, but that sometimes she doesn't make the best choices involving the children (again that is why they are with you) and so if they should happen to hear anything from her about you or your husband that they should take it with a grain of salt and let it go.



One thing that really helped my children deal with their father's disrespect is that I told them that we divorced each other because we were not compatible and didn't see life the same way. I explained to them that there is NOTHING he could say to me that would every hurt my feelings because I know exactly what kind of person and mother I am and as long as I can sleep at night because I know I am doing everything I can to continue down that path, than his words are meaningless.



Good luck with it!

Cat - posted on 10/01/2009

45

68

8

Well...to begin with in most divorce decrees there is a clause on the last page (usually) where the Judge will ORDER both parties to speak in only a positive manner about the other parent to or anywhere around the children. I have to frequently "remind" my ex that this was put in place to protect the children from adult topics that are not meant for little ears. My children are 7 and 9, but already see the difference in the amount of respect I "show" that I have for their father (not that I do have an ounce of respect for him - but as far as they are concerned I do.) vs. the amount of respect he shows towards me. He speaks very negatively about me, hangs up on me and curses at me on the phone while they are in the room with him. I have had to "remind" him of the clause in the divorce decree several times. The last thing he wants to do is look bad in front of a Judge, so that usually fixes things for a few weeks and then we do it all over again.



In addition to that your children are a little older than mine. I would set them down and explain to them the situation briefly. It is obvious that you and your husband have their best interests at heart or you wouldn't have custody of them, she would. Make sure you say that you aren't trying to discredit her or make her look bad, but that sometimes she doesn't make the best choices involving the children (again that is why they are with you) and so if they should happen to hear anything from her about you or your husband that they should take it with a grain of salt and let it go.



One thing that really helped my children deal with their father's disrespect is that I told them that we divorced each other because we were not compatible and didn't see life the same way. I explained to them that there is NOTHING he could say to me that would every hurt my feelings because I know exactly what kind of person and mother I am and as long as I can sleep at night because I know I am doing everything I can to continue down that path, than his words are meaningless.



Good luck with it!

Cammy - posted on 10/01/2009

2

27

0

I'm sorry to say that there is nothing you can do to stop her. You can only control what you do, nobody else. My suggestion would be to just be as sweet as possible to your stepkids and treat them like guests - YES even if they are most all the time. In time they will realize - I promise - that it is HER that has the problem and not you.

Dorcas - posted on 10/01/2009

44

17

1

Quoting Sarah:

I cannot believe that these stepmoms are expecting sympathy - if you want to be a home wrecker - expect a backlash!!



Not all step-moms are homewreckers.  I met my husband after their divorce was finalized.  She was the one that left him, when their child was only 6 months old.  It was pretty much because he didn't make enough even though he was working 7 days a week, and had asked her if she could go back to work to help make ends meet.

[deleted account]

Danielle,
With the exception of the clearly hurt and bitter people who have posted extremely unhelpful replies- I agree with all the good advice you've been given. I think there are times when legal action is appropriate- to protect the kids from emotional harm and it is definitely a good idea to establish some boundaries. Also essentia is being kind and living as a good role model for the kids to make their own judgments and not bad-mouthing her (HARD I know). But at the end of the day none of this might work and others have said there's really nothing you can do.
HOWEVER, something I have found that is worthy keeping in mind, as I often find if I can understand her motivation, it's easier to deal with- the hubby's ex once told me that she'd rather fight with him than have no contact with him at all. She knows he will defend me if she attacks me, thereby creating a fight- so we try not to 'create' these opportunities for her. I know her line of thinking, on the surface, makes no sense. But it has helped me understand her mindset and therefore minimise the damage if I am able. Otherwise- the Serenity Prayer is a good option because in the end, we cant change others or their behaviour. But that doesnt mean we have to stand and take it either.

Kari - posted on 10/01/2009

3

9

0

When i was growing up my parents seperated when i was little but we still did things together as a family. Once my dad met a new woman who is now my step mom of over 11 years things changed alot and real quick too. Growing up during this time my mother would talk crap non stop about my step mom. She would call her a bitch, a whore, a nag, you get where im goin with this. In my family we have alot of what you call " caregivers" and i was one of them. As I got older I could see that my mom was doing this out of jelousy because my dad was a great husband to her but she messed things up with her alcohol addiction and she still to this day regrets loosing him (wheather or not she admitts to it) but as a child growing up all i could tell was that my moms feelings were hurt and she had a broken heart. So as the caregiver I was to her i believed what my mom would say about my stepmom and i wasnt trying to build any relatioship with her because i seen her as a person who "Broke our family apart" so my mom said. But the older I got and more mature I got i realized what my mom was saying about my step mom was only out of spite and not the truth. If my step mom didnt come into my dads and my familys life who knows how i could of ended up. Shes the back bone of our family. What im trying to get at is still to this day my mom doesnt appreciate my step mom for helping to raise us kids when she wasnt there. And still to this day she's always got somthing bad or negative to say. You cant force someone to think different about you, and you cant shut there mouth to stop her from saying bad thing about you. As the kids get older they they will be the ones decide what they want to believe and what not to believe. You cant force them to not listen to what there mom has to say about you,your husband, or whoever else but remember this they do have a choice to decide to not have to sit there and listen to all the bad stuff she has to say about you two. Its up to them to decide what they want to belive and no one can make them decide. Well I hope my story helped you out.



kari

Krista - posted on 10/01/2009

11

21

0

Oh Lord girl, I so know where you are coming from. We were never able to get "our" ex-wife to behave and keep her mouth shut. The only thing that ever helped with her fixation on trying to brainwash the kids against us was when she finally found another man, a good man. They married and her finally having a real life of her own to worry about kind of slowed down her tantrums. Her new husband was also against her being so vicious so that helped some too. When the ex-wife is happy in her own life then she seems to move on and shut up



She did a lot of damage to our relationship with the kids though and even though we get along with the girls and love them, its not the same as it should be. They have a lot of resentment toward their father and me for things we never really did. And it is hard to battle what a mother can do to a child's brain!! A mother has lots of influence even when she is a total WITCH!



If you want to go through all the trouble and expence of going to court over it, a judge will try to force her to keep her mouth shut but even if you do all of that, it doesn't mean she will stop. It is hard for the court to enforce what people say and if she is a real nut like our ex-wife then she may just ignore the judge's order...



I wish you the best of luck with this. I know how aggravating this is and it can put so much stress on your marriage and with your relationship with the children. Try to convince the woman to get a life!! Hire a nice man to marry her and take her far away! LOL

Jae - posted on 10/01/2009

6

13

0

try to hang in there, I am going thru the same thing with my 14yr. old step son's mother and I know how you feel. There really is nothing we can do to make her stop other than just ignore it and treat the kids the same as before. I know that's what i do for him.....it's tough but you can get thru this.

[deleted account]

Hi i'm Kathy, I had to tell my step-sons Mom, hey look I'm not trying to be his mother he has a Mom already which is you. But he does/will know that i'm here for him and if he wants to call me mom thats his choice. I'm Kathy or step mom what ever he chooses. And after i told her i did not want to be his mom. It started going better, like she didn't see me as such a threat any more, now she would rather talk to me rather than her x. That was easy enough but for awhile it was terrible. I don't like and didn't really want to talk to her but I knew it was the best thing for my step-son. To see i was trying an not causing trouble, so eventually it is good, but again ONLY do i do it for him.... Don't know if something like that will help, it is for the interest's of the children not about her or him or you. you should all work together for the children to make them happy an healthly lives... Good luck I know this is hard... My prayers are with you.. kathy...

Karen - posted on 10/01/2009

48

19

2

dont say any negative comments in front of the children about their mother, it makes them automatically defensive, be there to support when shelets them down,,,,, what goes around comes around, thetruth will comeout, good luck, be patient, it will work out rewarding for you as a family.

[deleted account]

I hate to say this but you can't stop her. Even if she says something that you could take her to court over she won't stop, it may make it worse. If the kids are with you most the time just keep living well and speaking well. Kids aren't stupid, they know what they hear and see and can at some point tell who's telling the truth or what the truth is. Remember actions speak louder than words.

Bonnie - posted on 10/01/2009

2

0

0

as hard as it is, just prove her wrong to them, and speak kindly about her to them, she is obviously hurting, and feels the need to bad mouth you both, i would say hey kids, lets do something special for your mom, maybe bake her something or buy her somthing nice, show the kids how to be better then that. best of luck to you. xb

Rosann - posted on 10/01/2009

2

0

0

Quoting Anne:

she is hurting as to the fact he has changed for you and could not do it for her, she is jeolous of what you have, cause she belives he should made changers for her when the kids were younger. in the long run she is only hurting the kids and if she dosnt wake up and work that out she will loose her kids. stop taking on the childrens pain and let her dig her own grave.kids no matter how old or young will always work it out.

anne.



I have somewhat the same thoughts as Anne on this topic.  She is hurt and angry.  The man that was in her life for many years, the man that she had three children with, the man that she thought she would spend "happily ever after" with has moved on to "happily ever after" with another, taking her children with him.  If you want your step-children to have a good relationship with their mom you may have to do something that you might not be comfortable with.  Your husband needs to have a heart to heart discusion with his ex-wife.  He should apologize to her for not having it with-in himself to be good husband when he was younger, he needs to be clear that she was not responsible for his inability to be a good husband.  She has unresolved anger towards your husband that seems to be eating her alive, they need to resolve it in order for her to move on.  This should be a private conversation between the two of them only where she can openly address her anger for him.  He should be prepared for a verbal lashing but if it becomes abusive I would suggest that he stay calm and inform her that she can take a moment to calm herself or he will have to leave but he will try again another day.  He should do this for his children, I am sure that the two of you really don't want to see the children not able to have a good relationship with their mother.  At the very least a simple "I'm sorry that I wasn't be a better man while we were together" might ease her pain enough to begin her healing.  Choose your words carefully.  For example if he said "I'm sorry that I couldn't have been a better man for you" it implies that she was the cause of his inabily to be a good husband and that will make it more difficult to resolve the anger.  Put yourself in her shoes and think for a moment what you might be feeling if the same thing happened to you.  Help her resolve her anger, encourage your husband to apologize to her, let him have a heart to heart conversation with her so that her healing can begin and your step children can have the best of both worlds.

Sherrie - posted on 09/30/2009

23

35

1

HI been in same place you are while its not fair to kids don't worry everything will work out kids are not dumb they know you and there dad are there for them by her calling you both names she's only hurting herself i am remarried to a great man and his ex use to do same thing my step daughter ask me one day why don't you get mad when mom calls you names i said im sorry she feels that way but i cant change how she feels i love you kids and if mom wants to call me names thats ok don;t worry but i never fought or talked bad about there mom ever even when she deserved it .my stepdaughter was 5 then shes now 13 and she still remembers i always talked nice about her mom i said to my stepdaughter how can i get mad at someone who brought you too me plus there is a saying that is true no matter how hard kindness kills

Myla - posted on 09/30/2009

1

14

0

It's so sad that she obviously has not gotten over her past with your husband. Just stay civil with her and be a good step mom. In time, she will realize that you are a good person and someday you might even become friends. Take a paradigm shift.

Rosalba - posted on 09/30/2009

5

6

0

Quoting Danielle:

How do I go about getting my step-kids mother to stop bad talking me and their father?

My step-children, ages 10, 11, and 16 live with my husband and I full time. Everytime we turn around it seems as though their mother, who see's them only every other weeken, is trying to fill their heads full of crap about me or about their dad. First off I don't even know this woman, didn't even know who she was until I met my husband. Also, while my husband was not the best man he could be to her, he has admitted this, and has changed for the better. He is a great husband and wonderful father. He has asked her stop and I have even told her to stop...but now I just don't know what to do!



Danielle,



I lived the same, we have to realize first of all that when we decide to get involved in a relationship with a man who's been married before, we are in a relationship with his kids & ex. Telling her to stop is not the best thing to do since you are challenging her and reasuring that she's harming you guys, that is exactly what she wants. The best thing to do is ignore her, and work as hard as possible with his kids to let them know who you really are. Never!!! talk bad about her, never! get mad about her behivor infront the kids, if you're going to cry & spit out your frustration do it by yourself. the kids little by little will know who is who. My husband has full custody of our daughter (well my stepdaudhter) and never discuss any of her moms issues while she is present, we always hung the phone up at her if she is trying to bother me, and is being a year since she stoped bad talking about my husband. Everything is about to learn how to live with the ex, who, if she is not happy, won't let you be happy, I feel pretty sorry about her, I know my husband wasn't the best to her too, but that is past & she isn't able to go throught that yet, she has even been in 3 or 4 more relationships and have a new kid, but my husbands' happiness has been something hard to deal with, but itsn't your fault, so just learn to ignore her, be happy & enjoy those kids that someday are going to be proud of having you.

Amber - posted on 09/30/2009

7

9

0

I have the same problem with my husband's ex. There is really nothing you can do about it. You cant control other people only yourself. In my situation I just try to be the best step-mom possible (my kids are 13,14 and 17) and theyre old enough to see for themselves that what their mom is saying just isnt true... So in the end I think their mom is the only one who ends up looking bad...Give your step kids some credit...They can figure it out :) As several others have stated~ you'll just have to ignore the woman.

Elaine - posted on 09/30/2009

8

2

1

I agree with every one this issue. Ignore it.. live your lives and keep doing what you have been doing.



I, fortunately don't have to deal with my 9 year step-daughter's mother much. My man has his daughter full time and the baby's mother is never ever around. Just decided to go off drinking, be unemployed and doing what she does... The only problems I have, are when she makes promises to her daughter and breaks them, thus leaving her daughter heart broken. Another problem is, when she calls to talk to my man, she's always asking for favors or something like that. He says no.. of course. People ask why I don't care for her.. .those are my reasons... you give her an inch and she walks all over you.



I hope your situation clears up.

Beverly - posted on 09/30/2009

1

2

0

Be so overly kind to her until it hurts. The kids will respect you for setting a good example and she will go bonker trying to figure it out. I tried it and it was amazing, God says love those that anger us!

Keci - posted on 09/30/2009

11

18

0

One other thing Sue; you are right; praying and asking God is most definitely the first step. Seeking direction from Him will never lead you (anyone) wrong!

Keci - posted on 09/30/2009

11

18

0

Sue, that is usually the case. More than likely, he didn't know then what he knows now. And on top of that, there are just some people that bring out the best in us. Maybe his ex-wife didn't have that. Obviously, she is still unlearned or she wouldn't do her children like that. I think that it is really wonderful that they are in an environment that gives them a mother and a father in the same house. However, Mrs. Kelley has to draw her strength from somewhere so that she doesn't later become resentful. One thing that can and will help her along the way is making sure that she makes them feel like they are just as much hers as they are their biological parents. Am I saying that she should try to replace the mom? No way; even if mom passed away, there is nothing that no one could ever do to replace that. Nonetheless, she is a mother figure no matter who likes it at this point. Therefore, the ex-wife should really get over herself and let them be who they are; esp if the children are not in harms way and they are being cared for with no mental, emotional, sexual, physical, or neglectful abuse.

Sue - posted on 09/30/2009

2

1

0

It sounds like to me his ex is jealous. It might take a while, but try and be nice and pray for her. God will make things alright.

Keci - posted on 09/30/2009

11

18

0

Sweetie, sometimes the ex-wives are so bitter that it doesn't make a difference who tell them what they should or should not do. It is truly unfortunate, but all she can see is her experience with who she thought was Mr. Right. The bad thing is that their children are really the ones getting the bad end of the stick; they are unable to fully enjoy both parents and they should be able to do equally. What I would that I would do in your situation is to be able to continue to encourage my husband (esp if he is a wonderful father; if he isn't, then I would hope to encourage him to become better), and do awesome things with the children and definitely make them feel like they are mines as well. I am an ex-wife, but I have never been a stepmother. However, I am not bitter at my ex-husband either; trust and believe we are not friends either. I just don't deal with him because I don't need or have to (we never had any children together). Also, I am working on my Master's degree in Marital, Couple, and Family Therapy; maybe consider this avenue for you and your family. It will further help the children to understand that they truly have nothing to do with their mother's behavior, even if they are the kind to report everything to her. The mother is a grown woman by the law and is fully responsible for her actions. Be encouraged young lady. Someone else will need to know how you got through it.

Kerina - posted on 09/29/2009

6

0

0

Don't do anything. Kids are not stupid. Don't bad mouth her to them and they'll soon figure out who is the better person.

Lillie - posted on 09/29/2009

4

0

0

from someone who been there and done that the best way to her from bad mouthing you

and your husband is to not act like her.allow the kids to see for themselves why they are not living with mom full time.show them the love and understanding you know they need.one other thing kids learn by watching than listening.The old saying do as i say not as i do don't work for our now kids they do as we do not as we say so you keep your head up and heart open and god will do the rest take them o church.

Rachel - posted on 09/29/2009

2

8

0

No one should say anyone is a bad mother, unless they have harmed thim in bad ways. I was told I was a bad mother, by my brothers ex girlfriend. Granted she has no kids, thank god, but my reaction to it was who do u think u are? You do not know the situation that is going on, and I have never and will never hurt my kids. People that say they are bad parents, need to stop and evauate the situation that is going on. No one should ever be nagitive about that. It's rude...I do understand there is a lot of hurt and so many feeling fying every where that all anyone is doing is just saying hurtfull things to make yourself feel better, but do u really feel better about? I think people should stop and think about it before they say something that can hurt the other person. I'm not saying ( lets be BFF) but to just back off and hope they can over come this, and move on. I know I gave you Danielle some advise, but also u need to see how she is handling this, and it sounds like she is not handling at all. So try to back off a little and she if she comes around. Ya I know she should not be talking bad about you, But Have you talked bad about her? because sometimes it gose both ways...I do hope everything works out and that all of you can come to some sort of understanding.

Tamie - posted on 09/29/2009

1

15

0

I had a friend who went through this, her step-son would tell her what his mom said and she would just say, well, that's ok if your mom thinks that, your dad and I still love her, you just tell her that we love her. After about a year, she finally came around, the little boy would always tell his mom when she said something mean that it wasn't nice and that his dad and step-mom loved her any way. Killing them with kindness!

Rebecca - posted on 09/29/2009

10

29

0

I feel for you I have been with my husband for 8 years now married for 5 of those years and to this day his ex wife is still bad mouthing me to my step children. I think she is just insecure with herself. I am not going to tell you if doesn't hurt because it does but you just need to learn to ignore it the best you can and not let her know how much hurts you because I think this drives them. All we can do is pray one day they will grow up and the children see through the hate they seem to want to spread.

Nicole - posted on 09/29/2009

6

8

0

good luck! I deal with this type situation a lot! i have 6 children and their fathers (yes they have different dads) latest girlfriends and/or wives dont akways speak highly of me. i ignore it and figure they must b concerned of their own flaws and want 2 point out mine 2 my children! i just continue 2 luv my kids unconditonally and try 2 let them know sum people have nothing better 2 do then try 2 make them look at me differently. it's not always easy and i have slipped b4 and retaliated wwith negativity but have realized im not being any better when i do so i stopped. i wish u luck but just continue 2 b a good stepmom and the kids will thank u 4 it...if not 2day, someday!

Kathy - posted on 09/28/2009

6

20

0

I would not even try to talk to her. I would talk to the kids and let them know that what she is doing is not what an adult should do. Let your husband explain to them that he was not always a good person to her and that he is sure that she is just upset because he is a better person now without her. The worst thing you and your husband can do is bad mouth her in return. The kids are old enough and will see her for what she is in time. It is just sad that she isnt putting her kids first. It doesnt matter how good or bad a mom or dad is, it is just wrong to put them down to their own kids. She is not doing herself any favors and she will be the one that pays for her actions in the end.

Aleta - posted on 09/28/2009

5

8

0

Well, with that being said she is probably trying to get info from the children about what is going on in your home. They are old enough to know that they should not discuss anything about what goes on there. Also, like the other person said be the bigger person just because she speak negative do not stoop to her level and let the kids know that you guys love them regardless to what she say. Good luck and God Bless

Gail - posted on 09/28/2009

2

5

0

Unfortunately, she doesn't realize, or doesn't care, that her actions have long-range effects on the kid's lives. I have been in your shoes... My own 27 year-old daughter suffers with depression and struggles with low self-esteem, all because of her alcoholic, "nothing-is-ever-my-fault" father. My 32 year-old step-son (who entered my life when he was 15 1/2) has issues of trust with women, since his mother, and I quote him: "Hasn't told the truth in 50 years and wouldn't recognize it, if it bit her on the butt."



As your step-children are now doing, he found out early that it is all about "HER" and never about him. That hurts and feeds their low self-esteem, because they wonder why the parent doesn't care enough about them to ask. Even now as an adult with a family, when they talk, it is NEVER: "Hi, Son... what's happening in your life and how are the boys?" NOOO... Even after 18 1/2 year, it's always rehashing the past, lamenting on what she perceives as the "wrongs" committed by his dad and what she feels she is "owed". He seldom answers her calls and who can blame him? She smokes and is so negative and undependable that he doesn't often take his sons into her "toxic" presence and would NEVER allow them to spend the night with her. SO sad!!



When his dad and I decided to marry, the first thing I made clear was that I would never take his father away from him. I honored that promise. He and his dad spent lots of time together... and now, 16 years later, they still have a bond you wouldn't believe. I'll admit it wasn't easy in the early years of our marriage. I dealt with some belligerance, due to his mom's badmouthing lies, and skepticism from him. There was no "conquer and divide" allowed from him, as we stood united and steadfast in our commitment to each other and to him. I am now blessed with a stepson who shows me more love, affection and respect than he does his own mother. I had to PROVE that I was the total opposite of his mom, whom I have never met, and I did it with patience, love and respect for him... all without uttering a negative thing about his mom. He trusts me explicitly, his sons adore me and we get them for up to a week at a time,



MY ADVICE TO YOU: Being the biological parent, your husband, WITH YOU AT HIS SIDE, needs to tell the kids he and you are sorry they have to listen to negative things from their mother and that, if it makes them uncomfortable, they have his permission to politely and respectfully ask their mother to stop. Tell them you trust that they are old enough to make their own judgments about the two of you, solely, BY THE WAY YOU TREAT THEM...hopefully, by the abundant amount of affection, security and respect you give them.



At this point, YOU, the step-mom, should let the kids know you will do your best to provide as stress-free of an environment as you can for them in your home, that you will always be there for them and you are not going to judge their mother, talk badly about her, nor ever force them choose you over her. This will let them know they can approach you with any concerns they might have. (You don't know the number of late night collect calls from college I received from my step-son. Once in a while, he still calls me to get my input on how his dad will react to this or that, before he calls him. I could not love him more, if he were from my own flesh! :))



If you are Christians, which I hope you are, then pray about the situation with your children and tell them to continue to pray for their mother to find peace and happiness. Kids know who is trustworthy and who provides a safehaven in the storms of their lives.



God bless you and your family.

[deleted account]

Quoting Nichole:

From my experience and with the children at the ages that they are at they can figure out what is going on for themselves. You need to ignore the comments by the mother of your step-children and encourage the children to decide for themselves on what is true and what is not. You will be very surprised on what the kids actually think about the situation. Good Luck.



Hi. I agree with what you said. The kids know. They are smart. They will figure it out. Just continue on what you are doing. It will work out.

Heather - posted on 09/28/2009

36

23

6

Not much you can do about her, but you can ask your step children: "How does it make you feel when she is saying those things.......do you think they are true?" etc. This will open up the conversation, and help them to learn a valuable lesson on how words are like swords. They may also be motivated to tell their mother that it hurts them when she talks like that. Knowing that it is hurting her children may help her to stop doing it.

Cheryl - posted on 09/28/2009

12

28

0

Aside from asking her to stop just let the kids see you at your best and they won't believe the bad stuff.

[deleted account]

You really cant stop her. this is the trouble with mixed families. The only people you can control is yourselves. If i were you i would sit the kids down and tell them that you both love them that yes their dad made mistakes but he is a different person now. Dont say bad things about their mom Simply tell them that you cant control what their mom says and thinks and tell them the truth about you. you cant make then take your side or belive your opinion. all you can do is tell them the truth and let them make thei choice for themselves who they belive. But i stress teh point do not in anyway insult their mother to them or anywhere near them that will only add stress to them. good luck god bless

Kellie - posted on 09/28/2009

5

41

0

If you are raising her children, then there is nothing bad that she can put in the childrens head. They live with you and your husband, and they are aware that you love them. Eventually they will grow to dislike her for talking bad about the 2 people that are there for them on a daily basis. Pray for her becuz it a jealousy thing right now

Carmen - posted on 09/28/2009

1

7

0

My advice to you is to ignore her and prover her wrong by your actions. Don't worry about what she says and tells the kids, what's more important is how you treat the kids and how well you get along with them. Most likely she is jealous of the relationship you and your husband have and more than anything she probably wishes she had a better relationship with her own kids. I'm not telling you that it's easy, but just give it a try. Besides the children are all old enough to know that she's just angry and that everything she says is out of spite. Smile and don't worry be happy.... she'll back off as soon as she sees that you're not fazed my her anymore...

Kim - posted on 09/28/2009

1

26

0

Sometimes things we try to fix ourselves only beocome more of a mess. Prayer can change things. If you begin to pray and let God have this matter I promise you will be amazed at the results. It does not always happen instantly but it will happen. Try it. Nothing is ever too big or too small for God. Have a blessed day and know that someone is praying for you and your family.

Cheyl - posted on 09/28/2009

21

14

4

As the others have said you can't change her and she is still bitter about what happened.

Just remember the kids are with you two most of the time and you two have the most influence over them. If somthing was said to me by my step-daughter I would just tell her that is how her mom feels and i can't change that;

Try not to react to the mean hurtful things. Smile and let them know you love them. Love goes a long way.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms