Mommy - posted on 01/21/2013 ( 150 moms have responded )
I know I am going to sound like the most horrible woman in the world. I feel like one....I have 4 Children all boys with a baby girl on the way. They are 6,5,2, and 1 and baby is due early May. I love being a stay at home mom, I love crafts, cooking, cleaning all of that stuff many hate about being a stay at home mom. I love interacting with my kids and playing with them. I feel like I love them all but I know if I do love my 2 year old it's not the same as my love for my other 3 boys. Everything he does irritates me. I don't want to hurt him but I know I don't love his smell, snuggles or alone time with him like I do with my other kids. I try to give him extra alone time so hopefully he doesn't realize my love for him is so different. He is adorable, he is so smart, he is hilarious, people love him and he tries so hard to show his love for me and I can't return it like he gives to me or I show my other kids. I always wanted a huge family and the life I have and besides my bond with him I would look at me and think I am a perfect mother...sure my house gets a mess but I genuinely have the patience of a saint for being a mother and love every moment with my kids except for him. I feel so alone, I am the person people come to for advice on parenting, when friends become first time mothers and have post partum or don't feel love immediately I am the one that assures them it will come and the feelings are natural. I know I shouldn't be having this when he is still two and a half years old!!! I feel so alone, I feel psychotic. How can I not love my one child but still want another, love his younger brother and his older two brothers and genuinely enjoy every minute with them but not him? I feel like I don't deserve kids. I look in his eyes and feel such shame and just tell him I'm sorry that I don't love him the same repeatedly in my head. Everything I show him is FAKE.If my husband knew he would be so disgusted with me, I know that nobody I know would understand or relate. The only difference with him that I can think of is that he is my only Csection child. The others I delivered naturally and vaginally. Could it really make that big of a difference though? The first time I heard him cry I knew I didn't "want him". The nurses wouldn't even keep him in the nursery his cry was so horrible and gut wrenching. It's loud, his voice is loud, piercing, annoying. I don't need all the horrible negative feedback and name calling. I do that to myself daily. Genuine help and suggestions please.