How do I handle becoming a step grandmother before having my own child

Val - posted on 10/19/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I feel that this is a unique situation, but maybe not in this day and age. I am only 30 years old and have an amazing family. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for the last 5. He has 4 wonderful children that I would do anything for, I think of them as my own. What I want most in this world is for my family to be happy and healthy, but in a very very close second I want to know the joy of bringing a life into this world. My husband knows this and has since this first couple months after we started dating. He and I were only able to afford a vasectomy reversal this past winter and we have been trying to get pregnant for the past 8 months. I know things take time to heal and for his sperm count to come back up to normal. I understand this and even though these past months have been an emotional roller coaster for me, I was hit with some pretty big news last night.

I found out that my 19 year old step daughter is pregnant. Many emotions flew through my head and heart, but the one that is lingering is not happiness or joy, but sadness. I don't know how to deal with the idea of becoming a grand mother before a mother. If there are any women out there who might have gone through a similar situation, I would love some advice.

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Kira - posted on 10/24/2016

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Keep that good head on your shoulders. Try and keep your relationship with your husband out of the quagmire. Better to have one of you in a hole with the other holding a ladder than the two of you in it. You sound like a family that "works" Enjoy the pregnancy ride for the fun it is and change the energy of your pain, into being the solid support for your daughter. Try and see this time as a blessing against the unfairness of your own situation. When the baby arrives, define your role for yourself and your daughter. Make sure she comes first and keep your role to having her put the baby first and you'll be fine.
I can only speak for what I experienced and the emotions took the better of the two of us. She didn't know she was going to feel as maternal and I didn't know it would hurt to see it. Best of luck with everything. Be nice to yourself!

Val - posted on 10/24/2016

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My husband and I have talked about it and he certainly does not feel ready to be a grandparent at the age of 37, but we know that we can not change the circumstances. I have spoken to him about the way I feel and I have told him that I do feel guilty or even selfish for wanting to have a child first and for some of the other feelings that I am having. (Which you pretty much nailed in the last comment) He couldn't necessarily understand where those feelings come from especially the selfishness, but he keeps saying that its his fault and that he fails me every month and that he blames himself for it knowing that he can not give me the one thing I want most.

I don't blame him for any of this. I knew going into this relationship that he had older children and the vasectomy. I also knew that at the time our situation would not allow for the reversal to be done right away and that only meant the kids we did have would only be that much older when we were given the opportunity to expand our family. I do feel blessed that we were given the opportunity to have it reversed.

But back to our daughter, she is very happy about it and I'm happy for her too. I just have so many more emotions going through me. I also feel like I might say the wrong thing and upset her and make her feel bad. Which she really shouldn't, the way I feel is not something she should worry about. I know this is something that I need to get through, and I will with time.

It is just one of those things that maybe an outsider might be able to see the whole picture and be an unbiased guide through troubling times. I am continuing to work through it with my husband and close friends, but sometimes it just helps to get the opinion of those who have gone through it before. I personally don't know of anyone who has which is why I'm here.

Kira - posted on 10/24/2016

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That's a terribly hard situation for you and I wish you every strength. 30 is very young to be in that situation, but very hard no matter what age. Shock, sadness anger and envy in amounts that you've probably never experienced or knew you had inside you. All those emotions are going to take time coming to the surface and then some dealing with them. Don't hurt yourself more by feeling guilty for feeling them. You're going to need a coping strategy. Distraction looks like the only solution to me :) I think I'd find a steep hill and when you're at the top scream!!!! If you can, do it every day (the hill, not necessarily the screaming). Get super fit and head there when you need your distraction. Your husband is stuck in the middle and can't feel exactly what you can. He could trip up the hill with you though. I was the 19 year old. I moved away.

Val - posted on 10/24/2016

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Thank you for your response, but that was not what I was asking. I am wondering if there are any women out there who have gone through this and if they have any advice or words of support.

Michelle - posted on 10/19/2016

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You also need to be prepared for the news that the reversal wasn't successful. I know quite a few couples that ended up doing IVF as the vasectomy reversals weren't successful.
It was always going to be a possibility since you married someone with older children. Maybe you should look at IVF if you are wanting a child of your own so much.

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