How do i help my grieving husband

Ashley - posted on 12/30/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My husband just experienced the loss of his mother to cancer 3 weeks ago. Before that his father also passed from cancer. His parents went pretty much right after one another. He has been having trouble with it and I dont know how to help him. He tells me that he needs space but I dont know how to give that to him since we have been married I have never had to "give him space". While my husband is experiencing this loss I am going through my own emotions on a different level though.

I can't fathom why for some reason I am upset that when his mother passed she took a piece of him with her and I am afraid that I may never see that happiness in him that he once had. I am also upset that he has been acting so mean to me, he is very short. I just want to be close to him and share the pain and sorrow with him but he seems to want to be left alone while at the same time he wants me around.

We got into an argument last night and he said if i keep "doing what im doing" he will divorce me. He says that I am making things go by too fast and im not giving him time to even mourn of grieve. I just cant help feeling lonely and left adrift while he is in this emotional storm. I feel sad that i thought i was the center of his happiness while all along im realizing that i wasnt and it was his mom. He told me he doesnt want to forget his mom and when it comes to death, I dont like to think about it or reminice id rather keep moving forward and just not think about it because i know dewlling will only make things worse. At least this is how i feel.

I just dont know what to do about my feelings of abandonment in this situation and how i can even feel this way. I dont want to feel this way i loved my Mother In law very much and i dont understand how i can feel this way even though i know she loved me too.

If you have any advice id greatly appreciate it, thank you.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/30/2015

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You are right. You did lose someone. We are very similiar in our circumstances. My FIL was my father figure. My bio father I have never met, and my step father was just another person in the house. He was nothing and certainly NOT any role model for me. So I really get where you are coming from. Yet still, it is his bigger loss. BUT, that being said, you need to grieve your own way. Unfortunately, it won't be with your husband until he is ready. He clearly grieves differently and needs time. I will still encourage you to get grief counseling for yourself. This way you can have the help you need, and he can deal with it when he is ready. Please don't push him into counseling.

You can do this. I know you feel alone. Reach out to your family for support if you can, other members? I know you are having a tough time especially since your falling out with your mother. So hard. I am so sorry that this happened. You are right, no one deserves the heartache and pain of losing a loved one. It is so painful, and can be life altering. Keep strong. Love yourself. Show him love when he allows it. Let him take the lead for what he needs.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/30/2015

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I am really sorry for your families loss. It sounds like your husband is telling you exactly what he needs right now. Please put him and his needs before your needs at this point. I know that might sound harsh but stop making it about you and what you want. He just lost both of his parents. Of course things are going to change. He may never feel whole again. He barely had time to grieve for one parent when the other parent died. This is really traumatizing to anyone. Please give him time and space. Be there silently for him. If he needs grief counselling, let him go. If you need grief counseling, go on your own to learn how to grieve the loss, and how to be there for your husband.

My FIL is really sick right now. He is not going to recover, but slowly his life is chipping away with a fully cognitive mind. I could go into detail, but I don't want to. This is a huge blow to everyonne in the family. I am just trying to be present for my husband, and letting him take the lead on how he wants me to be around. Right now, he is in denial. He talks about it briefly when he wants to. i don't push him. His mother is going through a lot, and I call to let her cry and talk to me. I am trying to be there, even the the distance is 1800 miles between us and his parents and the rest of his family.

Let him take the lead. He needs to grieve. That does not give him a green card to be mean...but he just may not know how to handle the pain.

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Ashley - posted on 01/06/2016

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I wish i had finals to do on my birthday but my husband and i dont have the time for me to school right now. i really want to go to but slowly im losing my desire to go. That is true though. I didnt really think about it like that. He told me though himself that he feels like he has no one to make proud anymore. It is a little sad that he doesnt see me as someone to make proud.

I am not trying to compare the loves at all i just wish i could put a smile on his face. My husband and i have yet to go out on a date and have an nice candle lit dinner and im kinda down that on Valentines Day is going to be his mothers Memorial. I kinda wanted some time for us. His mother passing has lit a burning desire to do all kinds of stuff with my husband that we have yet to do because our time is never promised together. I realized that with his mom being sick. So many things she wanted to do with us and my kids that she wont get to ever do now.

So many things that i want to do with my husband. I guess everyone mourns in different ways, i dont like being sad. I have depression as it is and being sad sad sad all the time isnt helpful for either my husband or myself. I dont like to be sad about someones death like i let myself be sad but i dont let it hinder me because in reality death is inevitable and one day we all will meet our end. Why be sad about it if you can be happy and create good aura and energy to at least feel better...

idk.. i keep going through a lot of emotions that i cant explain it makes me wonder if im pregnant again...

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/06/2016

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I am going to try to give you a bit of a different perspective. He can smile when others come around? Maybe it is because he feels like he can show his true feelings around you and not them. It will take time, as you know for him to heal. I am glad that things are getting a little better. I am sorry you had a crappy birthday. Hell, the past 2 years, my birthday has consisted of 2 or more finals each year.

Things will get better. Stop comparing his love for you, against how he loved his mom. It shouldn't be the same.

Ashley - posted on 01/06/2016

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Things seem to be getting a little better he is bale to talk about his mother without getting upset with me. My birthday just recently passed and it was tough for me not to feel a little sad that most of my birthday consisted of talking about his mother instead of it being a day for me. I guess im being selfish but i cant help myself I have only been with my husband now for 5 years. so i feel like we have so much to do together in such a little amount of time. I was sad on my birthday to because of his mothers passing which i guess it doesnt help either. I want to make him happy but i guess these things are going to take time.

I feel defeated when he smiles at another persons prescence but with me he is sad and upset and i am getting worn and tired from all the sadness. I feel terrible that i keep going through all these emotions. I keep feeling like i wont ever be that important to him or close to. We built our life around making plans to be closer to his mother eveything from waanting to build a house and move to mexico to be with her from litterally everything we were doing today was to be closer to her. Now that she isnt here my husband acts and feels like he has no one to make proud anymore and now that she is gone i feel like the whole time i was not the one making him happy but him making his mom happy is what made him happy. it kind of hurts me feelings. I have no idea why it even makes me feel like this, because i am not trying to make this about me in any way i just cant help feel emotional and be human.

Ashley - posted on 12/30/2015

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Thank you I really appreciate your feedback. i have been trying to seek some solace and peace myself with this situation but like yourself we too are 1800 miles away from any and all family. I am sorry to hear about your FIL as well. No one ever deserves to go through something like this.

My husband does not want to seek counseling even though i told him that he should because i dont have all the answers he needs and is searching for. This was all really sudden for all of us, even though his parents were sick for a long time we did not expect to lose them both so quickly.

I know that they were his parents but i lost someone too. As a woman whose mother wants nothing to do with her since the day I was born. My MIL filled that place and made me feel loved it hurts that i can no longer call her and be close to her. anyway... again thank you and im sorry about your FIL.

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