How do I leave my partner?

Shannon - posted on 03/28/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I'm really just fed up, I don't get any of his time, were fighting all the time and I feel like I've gotten to a point where I don't want to fix it any more. We have tried and tried.... My problem is he quit his job maybe 4 months ago so we have been living with my dad. My partner works for himself, bring in basically no income, doesn't pay rent,y dad buys our groceries and my partner is always out doing something... He says that if we break up he's taking my son with him. I can't leave because I have no where to go. All of my money goes straight onto bills. And I'm really scared he's going to steal my son away. He's also very stubborn. 2 weeks ago I demanded he leave, I screamed and packed his bags, he just said no and passed out on the couch... I honestly don't know what to do other than to call the police. But that would be silly, he's not threatening me he just won't leave.

Any advice is appreciated. Not saying I'm perfect either, we have our problems I just feel like I can't spend the rest of my life like this

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Dove - posted on 03/28/2013

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Oh, I certainly agree with not letting the father take the baby without court papers done first.... Just that some of your comments were a bit extreme. Not that I BLAME you... since you're posting from your own experience. :)

Kelsey - posted on 03/28/2013

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I was only relaying the advice that my own lawyer gave me. I'm not saying it was right, and her ex hasn't attempted to take the child yet like my ex had done to me; when I had trusted my ex to bring my baby back on time. My advice may have been extreme but there are fathers who also don't give back the babies either. I just wanted her to look out for her baby and herself.

Dove - posted on 03/28/2013

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It's your dad's house.... why don't you have your dad throw him out? You can go to the court house and file for emergency temporary custody (with the dad having visitations, of course) and then once your dad kicks him out... if he tries to disappear with your son it will be kidnapping.

Unless your partner is deemed unfit (which nothing you post leads me to believe it) he has just as much right to a relationship with your son as you do... including potential joint custody. The issue comes in when one parent is threatening to keep the other parent away (as he is currently doing to you... and Kelsey is advising you to do to him). Courts don't like that, but without legal custody and visitation in place.... the kid is 'fair game' to either parent. Sucks though cuz a child should NEVER be a pawn simply because his/her parents don't get along.

Kelsey - posted on 03/28/2013

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My ex was the exact same way with spending "his" money on himself while the baby and I were mooching off my parents. I think it was a turnaround way of him; "forcing" me to get a job so he wouldn't have to work anymore. We had lived with my parents too and I had tried several times to throw him out to the curb by myself; his reply was "I'm not leaving without my son." When I had grown enough balls to say we're through to him, my parents did not take that threat lightly. Instead, they told him, "You are not allowed to be on our property and we will call the cops on you." Have your father tell the cops that your ex isn't allowed to around the house and he's trespassing.

You are the child's mother, no cop is going to take that baby away from you if they are called. Also, you could have the baby some place else whether at a trusted NON-mutual friends place, sisters or brothers place. when push comes to shove depending on how "pissed" your ex is. You should call the cops, tell them that your ex isn't welcomed on this property anymore and has not provided any care to the child. I would call a lawyer after you kick that bum out, and get custody, visitation and child support in order. I would NOT let him see that baby alone without any paper in line. He has as much equal rights to take that baby and not give him back, the cops would not be able to do anything because it's not kidnapping. Having court papers protects that baby. I would get on it ASAP. Also, keep all receipts of baby supplies you buy and also keep a notebook handy of all the the threatens he makes towards you. Depending on what state you live in, he may only get supervised visitation if he is deemed dangerous. Also, avoid any public place that you know he'll be at because out in public he has equal rights to snatch your baby and run without any court papers saying so. Going to a family members house, and friends house would be okay, they have the power to say that "he's a trespasser and not welcomed on the property." I spent about 3 months confined to my home because I was afraid of losing my baby. Once those court papers were done, I felt 10x better.

Another note, I highly doubt that your father will throw you out on the street. He sounds like a good man by supporting you and that baby. I would talk to him about continuing to live with him while you get your feet on the ground. Another note, changing the locks while your ex is out does wonders. It was easier for me since my ex was working out of town, but I once I told him that he wasn't welcomed, we changed the locks. I would do so, once your bum is out and not welcomed anymore.

Lakota - posted on 03/28/2013

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If you have done everything you can for this relationship to work, then it's time for him to go. I would have a huge problem with him quitting his job and now not making any money to pay anything. Jessica is right though about your son. He won't "get" your son legally because he isn't working. But, if he decides to take him and just leave, the cops will come but won't do anything about it other than tell you to go to family court. The reason is because he is your son's father and there won't be a court order on who has custody until after you go to court. Odds are is that he is just making threats because men like him like to mooch off of people and use the kids in a threatening way because it does put fear in the hearts of mothers. If you have talked to him, asked him what his plans are, etc. and he is still choosing to do nothing responsible, talk to your dad about how to get him to leave. Have your son go to a friends house or somewhere else so he won't be around it and so you know he won't be taken. If you are serious about wanting to end things, you may want to consult an attorney first to have custody papers done first to protect you and your son. Good luck.

Jessica - posted on 03/28/2013

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Since your living with your dad, maybe you should talk to him about what you want to do and get his help. I'm sure he would continue to help you with groceries and free rent. And he could back you up when you tell your boyfriend to leave. If your not happy in your relationship then it is probably best that you end it because children can sense when there is tension in the house. As for him taking your son, your his mother so you already have the upper hand and since he's not working the courts would never go in his favor. And if he did take your son then im pretty sure you could then call the police and they would charge him with kidnapping. And im not sure where you live but I know here in Canada the government has many different types of benefits to help single moms get back on their feet. Good luck!

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