How do i make my relationship last when i hate my partners child?

[deleted account] ( 8 moms have responded )

My partner and i have been living at his Parents house for the past few months and we have been living in just one room as his family are not very friendly or open to us using the rest of the house, we move house this friday to our own place which will hopefully make things easier however i have a much bigger problem than space on my hands.

I feel absolutely terrible for feeling this way but i hate my partners son, he is 3 years old and is an awful child, there is aboslutely no connection between us, i have tried and tried and tried to be friendly with him, to play games with him, to help him, to show him that i care about him but he isnt interested, and its not just me, he isnt interested in anyone or anything. He is nasty (this weekend he chucked a tantrum because he got in trouble for punching his father in the face).

We get him 3 weekends out of the month and its becoming really hard, i dont want to sound selfish but i never got any time with just my partner and i, we can never do anything because his son is always there and when they are together, i no longer exist..this weekend i ended up sitting by myself most of the weekend because i just wasnt included in anything, my partner would just say 'i'll be back in a minute, just gonna check on him' and 2 hours later i'd still be there by myself..but as soon as his son leaves, i am no longer invisible. I dont know what to do, because i would love this relationship to last, i would love more time with my partner, and i would love to make a connection with his child but i have absolutely no idea what to do, and frankly sitting and crying about it all the time isnt going to solve anything.

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Lacye - posted on 09/09/2012

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Well I can tell you what the problem is.....



You are jealous of a 3 year old. You are complaining about not spending enough time with your partner when it is his son's time. You are complaining about how the son acts, but let's face it, 3 year olds throw temper tantrums. I'm sorry if I sound harsh (not really), but it's not the boy's fault you are having issues with him being there. It's your own.



I'm a stepmother. When my husband actually have the chance to go see his daughter, I back off. That is his time with HIS child. Of course he's going to spend more time with him when he's there! He doesn't get to see him during the week.



OH and does he know what your true feelings towards his son are? I bet not.

Gianna - posted on 09/22/2012

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Hi Faustine,



It sounds to me as if you and your partner are young and your partner is not ready for a relationship. From what you have said, it appears he is unable to connect bring the three of you together to do things together. Your partner, the father has probably not set boundaries with his son and is not cognizant of how this is affecting you. First and foremost, his son should be his priority. His son has some issues that he needs to work out and you might be one of the issues. It sounds as if you may have a few things to work out with yourself. You said you hate this child but are trying to show him that you care about him? That seems to be a bit contradictory. Are you forcing yourself to be nice to the child? If so, the child might pick up on the unnaturalness of your attempts. Does that make sense?



My opinion is that you assess how you feel, what you want, what you will put up with and ask the same of your partner. If you are unable to make a go of your relationship and nurture the child with healthy boundaries and healthy expectations, it may be time for you to leave.



You have a lot going on right now. You have your own home now? How about school, work, friends that you can spend time with to give your partner and his son some time to bond a bit?



I hope my opinion was helpful.

Jodi - posted on 09/09/2012

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You can't. Sorry, but using the term "hate" to describe how you feel about your partner's child (plus all the other things you have said) tells me this relationship is totally doomed. Nasty? Hate? Awful child? I don't think you are ready for a relationship with someone who has responsibilities as a parent. Yes, you do sound selfish, and that isn't going to work.

Sally - posted on 09/21/2012

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All I can say is you sound about as old as the 3 year old,selfish,me me me, the whole world has to revolved around my needs and wants. Perfectly normal for a 3 year old not an adult. I also add that if I was this boys mum and got wind of the way you feel, hell would freeze over before I'd let him near you. I think Dads great for putting his son first when he has so little time with him. Grow up or ship out.



EDIT: To add that the little boy is more than likely picking up on your resentment which would explain why he does'nt bond with you

Dove - posted on 09/09/2012

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OK.... you may not want to sound selfish, but you are being selfish. Your boyfriend only sees his son for 6 days/month.... and you want to sit there and pout because you are invisible when the boy is there?



3 year old kids ARE 'nasty' creatures sometimes. They want what they want when they want it and if they don't get it.... the entire world is going to hear about it. That behavior is 100% NORMAL. Granted, it isn't acceptable behavior, but it takes time, patience, and consistency for a child to learn that.... and if this boy is going to his dad 6 days/month... consistency is going to take longer for him than a kid that lives in one household all the time. The rules may or may not be different at his mom's house, but I guarantee that boy has way more emotional turmoil over this situation than you do.... and he's still learning about how to behave anyway.



You want more time with your partner? You get him all to yourself (theoretically speaking... I know there is work and other stuff involved in life) 24 days/month and a CHILD only sees his daddy 6 days/month. In the 'time department'.... you already win.



If you can't accept and love this child right now the way he is.... walk away from this relationship before you cause more emotional turmoil to this innocent child.

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Ella - posted on 09/21/2012

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You obviously rant ment to be around children,like the others saidu should walk away now,poor child!n u no what it would be sooo ironic that one day many years down the line u may have a child of ur own throwing a world crushing tantrum n guess wot ul look back on this little boy n think god what a nasty bitch I was!!!!!!

Amy - posted on 09/09/2012

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Your sitting around pouting because he has to to tend to his 3 year old?? I'm sorry but I have a 2 1/2 year old and if she disappears for more than a few minutes I know she's getting into trouble, I'm not just going to stop her from doing what she's not supposed to be doing and walk away to spend time with my husband, I'm going play with her and get her doing something that's not destructive. Your partner has a child that he has custody 3 weekends a month if you want to do something with him then plan on doing it on the one weekend you don't have him or during the week! But ultimately I agree you should probably just end the relationship now because unless you do a complete 180 then nothing is going to fix this.

Dove - posted on 09/09/2012

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Sorry.... I'll go back and reread the rest of your post in a minute, but I just got to the part where you hate a 3 year old.... Do that poor kid a favor and get out of the relationship now. No kid deserves to live with a person that hates them.

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