How do I move on from the father of my child?

[deleted account] ( 3 moms have responded )

My daughter is about to be five and her father and I were together for four years and separated now for three years. During the three years her father and I have maintained a relationship that still functions as if though we are together, yet we are not. My daughter has gotten use to us doing family trips and spending weekends together. She has recently been on this fix of asking why we are not married. Why we do not live together. When are we getting married. Sadly, I have the same question. I know we are no longer in a relationship but we act as if we are in every aspect... accept the actual commitment. I do not know what to do. I know I need to stop for my own sanity since he does not want to get back into a relationship. But, how can I? What will this do to my daughter? I'm sooooo lost!!!!

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Bonnie - posted on 02/27/2012

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Spending all that time together knowing that nothing will likely become from it must be really tough. I would try to sit down with him and discuss what will be. If you both keep spending every weekend together and going on trips, she will get the wrong idea and perhaps keep giving you hope.



You both should come to an agreement for your daughter's sake especially. Find out from him exactly what he wants and expects and you should tell him the same from your point of view.



Small children adjust fast. In the end, she needs to know the truth of what will be once you and him have discussed it.

Connie - posted on 02/27/2012

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as hard as it is you have to remember that you are her first and most important teacher. she will learn the most by what she sees. sadly, sometimes being a mother means setting the example even when the personal cost is high. right now she thinks that your relationship is the way it is supposed to be, is that really what you want for her? you want her to know she is valuable and worth the effort not that it is ok to be someones convenience. i know that sounds harsh but if he wanted more than that you wouldnt be where you are. if he is a good father than your daughter will not be loosing that as he will make the effort to be her father. all she is loosing is the idea that what you have is the way it is supposed to be. find someone who treats you the way you want her to be treated give her the gift of value. i know that it is not easy to walk away from someone you are so invested in but if you cant do it for you....do it for her. Good luck and God bless!

Margot - posted on 02/27/2012

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Hello,



I feel for you. I was in a similar situation. However at a certain point in life I accepted that there will always be a lot of love for the father and always will be but it was time to create my own family with myself and my two boys without excluding him entirely but with a little more distance than before. When my boys ask me about Papa and why we are not together I simply tell them a form of the truth, that I love their Papa and think he is a great father but we do not want to live together and then compare it to for instance a

relationship between their grandparents. Children survive the hard times just like we do as long as their is no love withdrawn.

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