How do I prevent a bitter mother daughter relationship?

Anita - posted on 11/16/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I was never really close to my mother in fact I resented her for most of my life because I felt she choose my elder sister over me and could have done more to help me. I don’t even want to talk about some bitter abusive language that shattered my self-esteem. But after I had my daughter, she finally came through for me and we have made our peace although she refuses to accept her terrible behaviour and still lashes out once in a while I have forgiven her. I also understand the some of the circumstances she found herself in hence her bad behaviour towards me. I am a mother now my daughter is only nine months and I find myself in a similar situation; facing a bitter divorce and an absentee, resentful narcissistic father for my daughter. One of the problems is not having a good relationship with my mother I have no good example of a mother daughter relationship to build on. Another problem is, I am so similar to my mother I find myself making similar comments that she would and I am so scared. How do I prevent making the same mistakes my mother did? How do I prevent her from also resenting me for her father’s absence? It doesn’t help that since the our divorce he has been spreading malicious lies about me and I am afraid he would do so to my daughter. I know how much I hated my mother and I couldn't bear to be looked at by my daughter with those eyes. Please any Ideas on successfully raising happy girls as a single mother with all these issues?

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Elaine - posted on 11/19/2012

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All abusive patterns can be stopped once we are willing to take full responsibility for our own lives. Forgiveness means letting go of the past and refusing to repeat behaviors. It's a process, though and taking one baby sep at a time is where you start. Whatever you resist persists, so notice your greatest fears and what they are and instead of avoiding them, face them. The malicious lies being spread are a result of your fears you are projecting out and this can stop once you stop blaming others. The fear that your daughters will hate you like you hated your mother will stop once you believe it doesn't have to be true for them. Start with loving yourself and forgiving yourself.

Ariana - posted on 11/16/2012

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I would speak to a councellor to help you deal with some of the past issues and any new issues that may come up. It can be very difficult to get out of a cycle of abuse especially as your daughter gets older and starts pushing for independance. If at 9 months you're making comments you will have a very difficult time controlling yourself when she's reached the 'terrible twos'. Having a councellor to speak with can help you learn to deal and cope with these issues and give you tools to use instead of what you've learned already.



If you find yourself doing/saying some things you don't like try to write down the instances. Be very specific, what happened, what time was it, were you feeling stressed that day, why did you say what you did? If you can try to think before you say/do anything negative. It's ok to make fumbles, we all do, but you have to learn that sometimes you just need to say nothing. You know, if you have nothing good to say don't say anything at all.



I also don't believe your daughter will grow to resent you because of your divorce. In a divorce one thing to do is NEVER speak negatively of your daughters father in front (or around) your daughter. This can cause huge resentment. Even though he may say negative things about you near her she will ultimately remember what you said when she's older. It's ok to put facts out (age appropriately) but you shouldn't bash him.



Like I said, getting a councellor who can help you with all of this can be a great resource.

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Anita - posted on 11/16/2012

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Thank you so much. I never thought to look for a councellor it will help a lot.Everything you have said has really really helped i will surely act on them. I truly am really grateful.



Thank you

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