How do I react to a bipolar 18 yr old daughter who has let it be known she hates me out of the blue?

Cheryl - posted on 01/24/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My 18 yr old daughter was diagnosed bipolar when she was 16. She has attempted suicide 3 times. The 3rd time she was so defiant she was sent to a residential facility for 3 months, They put her on a medication that works for her and DBT skills. She seems like the suicide thoughts are controlled but now out of the blue she hates me. She blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life and says I was never there for her when she was growing up. I am dumbfounded. I have dedicated my whole life to her. All I ever wanted to be was a mother and she has taken that away from me. I know I was a good mother because people would tell me so. I couldn't work for 2 yrs. because I needed to take care of her. She was home schooled her senior year because her anxiety was so bad. She graduated at 17 so an adult needed to be present when teacher came. Being she was under age I also needed to take her to her many doctor appointments. She says I was taking advantage of her Dad and was lazy for not working at that time. Trust me...I would have rather beeen working than deal with all the turmoil that I was going thru daily.
I have separated from her Dad because he is also bipolar and is not consistant with his medication.
I am now thinking of moving to a different state. It is only 4 hrs away so easy to visit. I live in Calif. and it is too expensive to live here on my own. I have family in Az. and could buy me a house and start over. I am fearful she will feel I am abandoning her if I move. She sent me a hurtful text saying she does not want to hear from me for 6 months, Sobbing.....makes me so sad. I am lost as what to do.

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Jodi - posted on 01/24/2013

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{{hugs}} I don't know what more to say. It sounds like you could probably do with talking to a professional, who can not only help you make some decisions about the best thing to do about mending and maintaining a relationship with your daughter, but can also help you work through your own feelings. It sounds to me like you still have some healing to do too. Maybe putting a little bit of space in the situation, and getting some objective feedback will help you. Try to keep your chin up and not take it too personally. The chances are you didn't do anything for her to be like this towards you. Just remember, she is young and immature, she still has a lot of growing to do.

Cheryl - posted on 01/24/2013

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Thanks for the response Jodi. For some reason today is beyond difficult for me to not cry. She had something of mine and came by yesterday to drop it off. When she called to say she was coming over, she was very sweet. She walked in the door with her mean attitude towards me. The thing that really bothers me is I don't know what I did to bring this on. I moved out of my house into an apartment for her. When she was in treatment she said she wanted to start fresh and I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment. After 6 months she moved back to the house with her Dad because that is where all her friends are. I have since moved into a 1 bedroom. Rent is cheaper which is still more than I can afford without her Dads help. Companies just aren't paying good wages because of the high demand for jobs. Her Dad is buying me out of the house but to buy here in Ca is crazy.
Her Dad being bipolar was also very hurtful. He can also be mean. Sometimes when she is lashing out I totally withdrawal the way I did when her father would berate me. I am now on anti-depressants and cry alot. I am so torn.

Jodi - posted on 01/24/2013

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It sounds to me like she is not really speaking from her heart, and is lashing out at you. Try not to take it personally. I think you can let her know that you love her very much, and you always will, no matter what, and your door will always be open for her. I don't think you should move. In order to keep the door open, stay around for a while. I can understand why you are considering the move, but maybe that is something you can consider later. But for now, stick around, and maybe every now and then, send her a text just asking how she is and letting her know you miss her and love her.

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