How do I stay out of my daughter's life? I'm obsessed!

Robin - posted on 03/15/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My daughter was 14 when we discovered some things that she had done. Rocked my world. Thought I could trust her.. found out more things when she was 15. Needless to say, I'm obsessed now with checking her phone, tracking her whereabouts. I want to trust her but I can't. It has caused problems and she and I fight all the time. I know she's changed and she has learned but I'm still worried and feel like I'm controlling her. She used to tell me everything and now she hides everything from me. How do I rebuild our relationship?

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Laura - posted on 03/15/2016

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I have three girls. All you can do is your best. It sounds like your doing everything right. It's hard, to hear hurtful things from your children. I guess, if you don't, your not raising them right. I never would trust a high school child. Just keep monitoring everything. My girls have three different personalities. The first one was challenging, the second one didn't want to do anything wrong at all. The third one is disrespectful, and mean? When your daughter matures, your relationship will be better. That may take a long time but hang in there.

Robin - posted on 03/15/2016

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I monitored her ipod (before she got an iphone) and we set up rules. I was a little behind the times with some of the new social media (snap chat for one). I knew what the premise was but I didn't realize that you could text people through snapchat. I found a whole lot of stuff that I didn't expect. It's been almost a year. I tell her that I have a right to monitor her phone and she said I'm controlling and last night she told me she hated me. I told her that was fine and that I still love her. Certainly hurts to hear that from my daughter but I understand. I just obsess now over whether or not she's telling me the truth. I question everything. She is almost 16 and a lot of her friends are already 16 or almost 17 and they are allowed to do a lot more than my daughter. I don't know if I'm overly strict. She's allowed to do a lot more than my older daughter was at this age but I keep reminding my daughter that she's only 15 and can't hang out and do all the stuff her 18 year old sister does. Thanks for the feedback. It certainly helps.

Ev - posted on 03/15/2016

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Let me ask: Did you ever monitor her phone or other devices before this stuff came out? If not then that is on you for not parenting her. It is your right as a parent to check her phone and tech to be sure she is not doing things she should not. You are the parent, not her. So she is upset with you! You have to Expect that with a teen. What you need to do know is lay down some rules for phone and tech use:
1) No phone after a certain time at night and not in her room alone.
2) Same rule for computers and other tech she can use to send messages or get on social media.
3) You have the right to check her messages and see what is in them and tell her that.
4) Know who her friends are.
5) Set the computer in the public areas of the house and check on that while she uses it looking over her shoulder.
Failure to comply with the rules should limit the use of tech for school work only and not using it other wise.

Dove - posted on 03/15/2016

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Depends on what you found out, how long it's been, and what she's done since then... Trust can take a LONG time to rebuild once it's been broken and she needs to understand that. If she's still a minor you have every right to still check her phone and know her whereabouts... remind her that it's your job to make sure she's safe...

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