How do i talk to my 12 yr old about sex's?
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Debra - posted on 10/09/2009
How do i talk to my 12 yr old about sex's?
Tara, that's a good question and one that every one of us struggles with, believe me! BUT you don't have to drive yourselve insane about it, either! I have two and mine are both in their early to mid twenties now, so I'm, as 'they' would say, a "seasoned" mom...one son, one daughter, so I had it from both 'ends' of the spectrum, you might say...okay, here goes...if you have a son here is what I did [without a double standard here, and knowing also that every child is different...] : I started out answering only the questions that my son asked, and surprisingly they began when he was 4 1/2 yrs old, at the birth of his baby sister! I was always honest and straighforward with him, and did my very best never to flinch away from any question or behave as if anything was off limits to ask me. He knew he could trust me for an answer if he wanted to know. Plus, when he was about 11 years old and I knew the hormones were about to start kicking in, I gave him a book about the human body [for his pre-teen/teenage level] development for both sexes and let him read it at his own speed, plus we grounded him very well in Christian values and morals [I'm a preacher's kid & we attended my father's church]. I also counseled [and and reviewed] him on dating and how to treat the young women in his life because it isn't only them he has to treat well, it's their families also, because they DO come as a package, don't they?
Now from my daughter's perspective, I followed basically the same approach...answering whatever she was ready to ask, progressing to giving her the same type of book at about the same age as I had given her older brother. In her case, however, there was the added counseling [and reviewing] I gave her about recognizing the signs of a controlling/potentially abusive person she may someday become friends with or may consider dating. Knowing all of that well ahead of time helped her tremendously when she junior high and then high school.
I'm sorry if I've been a bit long-winded, but I hope this has helped clarify things for you somewhat.
My friend used to run a Planned Parenthood clinic. The things she saw would convince you the earlier you talk to your kids about sex, the better. A lot of girls start talking/hearing about sex early in elementary school! By the time they get to middle school they want to prove themselves to their friends and the boys by participating in these "rainbow" parties. I think the best you can do is get a book from the library with diagrams that have medical terms there are also books like "Where do I come from?" which my Mom showed me when I was 9. You can teach the biology without the mechanics and still have your kids be informed. You can take this opportunity to also tell your kid how you and your family feel about sex and pass on your values. Also reassure them that there is plenty of time and to wait until they are more mature to make decisions.
My friend always shakes her head when she thinks back to those 13 year old girls she treated for std's from sexual activity or worse when they came in and told her they thought they were safe by having anal or oral sex and now have herpes! Sometimes it was several girls from a group of friends all got it from the same guy at a party. The best thing YOU can do is arm your kid with knowledge so he/she can make the right decision even when you aren't there!
Amanda - posted on 09/28/2009
I started this talk with my boys when they were 7 & 5. I explained conception without getting detailed about the actual act of intercourse. As they have gotten older (now 10 & 8), they come to me with questions. These are usually things that they have heard from their friends. I choose what I tell them and then if I feel something is too mature for them to know, I tell them that they are not ready for that information yet. We have encountered wrong information that is being passed on by their friends. I think that because I started with them so early, they are very comfortable talking to me about anything-we even discuss the stages of puberty they are going through. Your child is 12? Chances are he/she has already been educated by her peers. I would start by asking your child what their friends say about it and what they already know. Go from there.
LCOBB - posted on 10/18/2013
HELLO I HAVE A 12 YR OLD SON I WANT TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT SEX WITH OUT YELLING, CRYING OR MAKING HIM UPSET ...... I JUST WANT HIM TO NO I LOVE HIM N I NO HIS BOBY IS CHANGE N HE FEELING THING HE NEVER FEEL B4 ITS OK .... I DONT WANT HIM TO STAY N THE HOUSE BUT I DONT WANT HIM TO DO SOMTHING HE CANT TAKE BACK ......
Honestly. If you follow an alternate lifestyle, explain that to her using words she can understand. Kids know more than their parents may think they do, so you will just be filling int he gaps with the RIGHT information. Explain the dangers of sex, the wonders of it, and the corrct circumstances. If you already have a good relationship, this will just strengthen it. Don't feel as if you need to give him or her every bit of information regarding human sexuality that's available. You'll have LOTS and LOTS of chances to talk about sex when he or she starts dating. If he or she asks about your sex life, be honest within the parameters of your own privacy boundaries. Respect his or hers as well. Good Luck Hon.
i talk in everyday words. it be easier and they understand it better.when me and my hubby talk to our son and daughter
i talk to son first
while he talk to daughter
then he talk to son
then i talk to daughter
it work out great
we had some color pic of the human body to talk to them about
Cheryl Cloud - posted on 10/07/2009
Ok....straight from the hip...here it comes. This issue has been over-thought, over-sensitized, over-analyzed, over-romanticized...ETC. ETC. ETC.
Sex is a matter of fact part of life, and should be discussed that way with kids. If we have a weird sense about us with regard to sexuality and all that accompanies it, then they will definitely pick that up and not approach us. As it is, they are going to do some research on their own....on-line, with their friends, perhaps even catching their parents. At 12 years old, many kids are already sexually active. The world is fast paced and sophisticated now. For girls especially, when my body 'came in' my hormones were in full swing as well, and armed with that, I needed to know how to handle myself, my body, my emotions. I needed to be able to trust that I could talk to my parents....at least one of them, about the crazy things that were happening, internally & externally....physiologically....the emotional, religious, abstinence values stuff all came AFTER I figured out what my body was physical doing!
I was pro-active in approach, took the lead to make 1st sexual health doctor appointments and taught them how to take care of themselves (like u need to routinely see the dentist, have your oil changed, get a haircut). I promised them that I would not judge their sexual behavior, their choices were just that "THEIRS" and not mine, that my job as a parent was to teach them how to make good, healthy decisions for themselves and to take proper care (and protection) of themselves sexually. Their values are also theirs to decide. Yes, I'm my kids' parent, and I have an impact & influence, but THEY have the choices....and they have to be empowered to know their choices are their perogative as well as the results of those choices, their responsibility.
The first sexual health doctor appointments....were all made by me. I went in with them to begin with and then went into the waiting room after a short time to leave them to discuss their questions concerns with their doctor. When it came time for birth control.....every single one of them came to me and asked me my opinion and what I thought they should do. None of them have illegitimate children or STDs. All of them go thru an annual health screening that includes sexual health. 3 daughters & 1 son, ages 17-28. Have a step-son now who's 10....we're talking, a good relationship is necessary for trust.
Books aren't enough....and honestly, in my opinion, a cop out. Face-to-face parenting is necessary with this one. Matter-of-fact approach worked best for me.
Nola - posted on 10/07/2009
If you have been open and honest in answering questions for your child over the years, both of you will feel more comfortable with questions about sex. My son was asking where babies came from when he was 4. I gave him a simple, age appropriate answer. He asked one more question & that was enough.
Parents tend to go overboard hoping to cover everything at once and get it over with, but this is generally a bad idea. Just answer each question simply without going into lots of detail. If it isn't enough, there will be another question. Answer each question as it comes until the child is satisfied. If you don't know the answer, tell them you don't but will find out & tell them later.
Because of my values I always taught my kids that sex is something very special that is shared between a man and a woman but not until they are married.
Above all, do as others have said and be very calm. Any sign of panic or embarassment and your child will go somewhere else for answers in the future.
Shelagh - posted on 10/07/2009
A small point - make it clear that sex is for grown-ups, not for kids. For example, don't talk about 'the boy this' or 'the girl that' - say 'the man' and 'the woman'.
And I fully endorse the reply from Carolyn Suman - bring her up to value herself. My mother used to (rather crudely) say 'You get the price you put on your own head' - but it's true.
Make sure YOU are in the mood to talk about it. Remain calm and have a sense of humor: Don't be panic stricken. At 12.... he (she) knows more than you think and that's what you want to focus on. What he (she) already knows may not be entirely accurate. After you get your information then touch on a few light topics: "do you and your friends ever talk about boys? (girls?)." Then... when the initial subject is open.. you can say "we'll sit down sometime and talk about this." That gives you time to put some thought into your next conversation on this topic.
Carolyn - posted on 10/01/2009
I agree with all the replies....Be open and honest! The only other thing I would add is to teach her to value herself and her body, help her understand how much she will be devalued by other (males) if she is easy (sorry for that expression, only word I can think of)
Siobhan - posted on 10/01/2009
hi, though i might share this with you
this link will take you to the Dr Phil website where there is loads of advice on how to talk to your teen about sex and what content that should contain.
I would use any oppotunity to relate positive messages to my 9 year old boy about sex and relationships in general (he's just got a baby sister so we did the whole 'how are babys made') Talk often about the little things but not in a confrontational manner, do it while your making dinner of driving, it will seem more like an easy chat to your daughter than a formal discussion.....
Sex is/was created by God and if you just state it like they are not to cross the road without looking both ways it is no big deal. We have three boys and sex talks happen whenever they have questions. We home school and they have been told all the facts and also what God (the bible) says about sex and we are open and honest and it is just no big deal. It is a part of life; nothing more, nothing less; and if done in the boundaries of God's design is a beautiful thing.
I don't mean to be disrespectful, but if you haven't talked to your child about sexuality before this you've probably missed the boat. Kids need to know about how their bodies work and what sex is LONG before age 12. My 8 year old knew where babies came from at 5, and how they got there at 7. 12 year olds are not the 12 year olds of yesteryear - most of them already have their period and are capable of becoming pregnant.
Get a few books, go to a family clinic and get some fliers - do something fast, because your 12 year old has probably already begun to investigate sex.
Crystal - posted on 09/29/2009
Just ask them straight forward what do they know about sex but do it in an approachable manner for them to feel they can come to you with ? and after that explain to then what you might want them to know or see if they have ? about something they wanna know and answer it according to age appropriate. I have a 10 yr old son who comes to me and ask me all ? in regards to sex stuff and just curious questions from little up.I guess i should be grateful he feels comfortable coming to me because hes shy to ask his dad. Now i have been asked from y women have breast at the age of 3 to everything else under the sun , its hard to answer but if you dont have the answer or not sure how to answer , explain to them that its a good? but you need to think about how to answer it to where they understand and get back to them that day, or if yo dont let them know you didnt forget.
Laura - posted on 09/29/2009
i have a 12 year old.. and she has been asking questions for a while about sex. and i am very honest to her about it. i dont lie.. just tell her the truth about everything and just hope she will make the right decisions about it... good luck!!!!
Shirley - posted on 09/29/2009
She probably knows more than you think, you would be suprised what you learn at school from your class mates. The best thing to to is to be open, honest and talk to her like an adult. You can't stop your kids from doing things but you certainly give them information, and equip them with the knowledge to be able to make informed decisions. The more information and the consequences learned the more they will think before acting.
Nicole - posted on 09/29/2009
i have 5 daughters from 21 to 11! thankfully no babies so far but unfortunately sexual activity by my 17 and 16 yr old. i talked and still do. honesty is the best way! its not easy no matter how its done! just talk so ur child understands the language and make sure and let them know never b scared 2 come 2 u with any problem or concern even if it means admitting they have done things! always keep communication lines open! good luck!
Teresa - posted on 09/29/2009
Hi Tara, talking to a 12 year old about sex is a difficult issue that a lot of parents have to think about, when where how? and even is it neccesary, all I can tell you is that you have to be honest as you can and let them ask as many questions as possible, try not to laugh if they say something silly or funny to them this is already something they have probably talked to their peers about and are looking for answers to the questions, there are a lot of supportive books out there which may help you look on the ininternet for advice from parental groups , and at all times think of it as the next stage in your childs life and feel very proud of helping them through this. good luck
Vicki - posted on 09/29/2009
i have a 16 year old that i have talked to about sex several time and we both have a very open relationship he knows that he can come to me with anything if he needs to talk and even though i have talked till i am blue in the face about the consequenses of having sex unprotected to early the std's and so on much to my suprise him and his girlfriend and a whole bunch of friends went to the lake for a end of summer get together and they where being teased about not haveing sex and to my suprise they decided to do it even after how addimit he was about not having kids not taking the chance of getting a girl pregnant and so on and not wanting to have sex till he was 21 he said he ended up doing it BUT he did use protection so he was listening to some degree to what we talked about i am thankful that i gave him the education and tools to know to use protection and i told him that i was not happy with his dissision and he said that he felt bad and would not be doing it again and that he was scared but his friends where picking on him and his girlfriend so just remember that no matter how much we tell them not to be into all that in such a young age sometimes they do give into peer pressure
Phyllis - posted on 09/29/2009
You have to ask yourself who do you want your child learning from, you or their peers or worse the internet because they will get answers. I would rather it be me. I have talked to my daughter but I discovered I was not telling enough, that's when I stepped up my game and now she knows it all. She also knows she can talk to me about everything and I am going to tell her the truth. And really that's all they want to know.
Alissar - posted on 09/28/2009
well,i think we should tell our children the truth about any subject ,about this subject at this age i think it is enough to answer only her questions and do not envolve in subject too further,concentrate on her personality in general and teach her the moral principles about life that she must commit it to live her life with knowing the right and the good ,and like i told my children to know the right from wrong we must always think of the results if it is good so the action is right if it is bad so the action is wrong .
Ruthie - posted on 09/28/2009
I would tell the 12year old the truth...And tell them about the STDS, how they can become pregnant, and should wait till they know they are ready for sex, and birthcontrol....and ask her if shes got any questions...pre teens do talk
Kerry - posted on 09/28/2009
I found with my girls, now 15 and 17, that being very honest and straight forward is the best way to go. Even talking to them about the slang names for everything and not hiding anything from them. They are both still innocent and actually don't want sex because of all the ideas and i even talked to them about the "passion" of the moment issues. At 13 she might even be aware of rainbow parties - where girls put on different color lipstick to see how far they can go down on a guy and these have been popular amongst the Jr. High crowd for years. I have even heard of Jr. High kids being caught having sex or performing oral sex during school hours on school property; so it is likely that she is a lot more aware of things than you think she is so don't hide from her about what she will come across.
Aurelina - posted on 09/28/2009
i have 1 boy who started talking about sex to his brothers whenever i am not aware or around. good thing that my other 2 boys told me about it. what i did was i talked to my son that he's still young and shouldn't be worrying about these things yet. i also have to drew a line for him to stop just to really tell him that im dead serious of giving him the consequences if i caught him talking about sex. so far, so good. good luck!
Kathleen - posted on 09/28/2009
I speak 2 my girls on a daily basis. I ask what there friends are saying and what are they actually teaching in school and then I just take it from there. Most people think Kids don't listen to what their parents are saying but where I live most 11yr olds are having sex and doing drugs and my 13yr old doesn't do either one. She and her friends doesn't give into pier pressure and when she feels as though someone is giving her the wrong info. she comes straight home and asks me (which I am very happy she does). I never show her I feel uncomfortable no matter how weird the question sounds to me. Just answer all questions as honestly as possible and never loose your cool. Blessings!!!
Marianne - posted on 09/28/2009
I am not too sure what to say right now. I have been to conselling for this due to my own past issues. They always told me to be open and honest with my children. So we have had open talk several times. They feel like they can tell me anything. i.e My son who is 12 almost 13 came home and told me that there is a rumor I hope is not true, that there is a 13 year old girl who is already 8 months pregnant. I told him for one he should not repeat anything unless he knows the facts. So he better know this for sure. For two he is WAY too younge to be having sex or to even think about it. He is too younge to understand anything related to that issue. We continued to discuss this for a while. Now that I look back I am surprised I am even at this stage in my life with my children. I told my therapist that I was not very comfortable with it...and it was hard what to discuss what to save them from. I have made alot of mistakes up to this point i.e. holding too much info from them. But now it is the same thing as everyday conversation. It is nice to know I can talk to my kids about anything, because I was open about it to start with. So this will be hard...but you can do it. The more open you are the more your children will respect you for it later. Better to learn from you than from a peer or when god help us its too late and they say they got a girl pregnant or I am pregnant. Hope I helped.
Elizabeth - posted on 09/28/2009
talk to her very normal,, never hide things to you pre-teen, the more you hide the more they get curious and is worth, because if you dont talk to them about it they will find the wrong answer or information with the wrong person. actually in this dates this kids know more than we think, so be her friend and give her trust and confidence. god bless you both
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