How do I teach my daughter not to be so rude!?

Rowan - posted on 12/18/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I know that preteens are "supposed" to be rude and insolent, but as a PARENT, I am responsible. No matter how much I tell my 12yo, she always gets irritated and say something like she knows already or just okay and that I don't need to teach her all the time. I told her that every parent needs to teach their child and is responsible until 18 years old, but she doesn't get it! I'll give you an example of her rudeness. At her school, there was a Winter Wonderland festival with games, prizes, etc. Me and my 6yo son took a picture with Santa, she just smirked, rolled her eyes, and told the person being Santa that my son is a horrible brother to her, and that Santa is not real. I was shocked! She found her friends, who is a 11th grader and the two others were 6th graders, and another group of high schoolers who were volunteering for the games. They started chatting about who's annoying, etc. I'm surprised also that some of her friends have the same attitude as her and a lot are as young as 4th graders all the way up! I don't think she got the attitude from her friends, because she's been like this ever since she was about 10 1/2 now. I made a rule to take 10 seconds to think before she says anything but she blurts out loud. I recognize its hormones, but I don't want people to think she is not polite, which she can be mature and a good girl, but unfortunately, she has bad habits in behavior. Besides older/younger kids, she also has friends her own age who can be sarcastic. The teacher even informed her behavior to me that she's really rude along with her friends. I punished her for one day, no cell phone or Internet for today but if it keeps up, the punishment will be longer. She recently got a phone because of good grades and I found she has posted lots of nude pics so I grounded her for another two weeks! What should I do basis that?

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Dove - posted on 12/20/2014

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Jodi is right. You can't just punish a kid and expect them to learn from it.

One thing I've done on occasion is have my daughter write a report.... about the 'crime', why it was wrong, and what she should have done differently. Not as a punishment... but to get her to THINK about how her actions impact other people.

Since she has an issue being rude to people... maybe she can write about what she did that was rude and how SHE would feel if the same thing had been done to her.

I don't know... it's just a suggestion. You need to talk to her about all of this because simply grounding her for being rude will make her angry... and in turn more rude.

Another thought... she isn't just 'being rude'... she is bullying people. Quite often people are bullies because something is lacking in their life and they think making others feel bad will make them feel better about themselves. Perhaps the two of you can seek counseling together...

Jodi - posted on 12/19/2014

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As I've already asked, what ELSE are you doing other than just deciding to ground her. Because if that's the extent of it, she isn't learning a damn thing. Grounding will not work on its own.

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Rowan - posted on 12/19/2014

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I must agree. I grounded her for two months, and if another rude incident happens, it's gonna be THREE months. She had another blurt-out when we were out w/ an old friend of mine, who has an 11yo daughter and my daughter got so rude to her telling her that she still shops at a kid place, making fun of her. I was so mad and embarrassed that my child would do such a thing!
As for her friends, I do not know what to say. It depends on if those kids are a good influence or not. I'm the mother, I decide it that its inappropriate and will ground her!thanks all

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/19/2014

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In agreement with Jodi and Dove. Your daughter's behaviour is not within the 'normal' scope of anything.

Quit letting her hang out with kids more than a year or two off of her age. 11 grade means 16 & 17 years old. No wonder she thinks she's grown, you are allowing her to hang out with people who's ages are not compatible.

She is beyond rude, she is out of control. Nude pics on a phone? She only could have gotten that idea from those 16 & 17 year olds...needless to say...Oh, and by the way...that is child pornography, and she can be prosecuted. You can, as well, because you are her parent, and legally responsible for her actions until she's 18.

Take away the phone, or get her one with ONLY limited calling privileges (Home, emergency contact number and 911), NO TEXT. Take her internet time away, and the computer can ONLY be used for homework.

Restriction of activities until the young lady understands appropriate behaviour for her age is another thing I'd recommend.

She's going to continue to act entitled, and spoilt, etc, because you are normalizing her behaviour. Take the control back.

Dove - posted on 12/18/2014

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I agree entirely w/ Jodi. My oldest is 13 and yes, there is some rudeness and attitude which I do think is normal... but what I consider normal and what your daughter is acting like... are WORLD'S apart.

No offense, but... your daughter's attitude and behavior are out of control. A mere two weeks grounding from the phone is nothing compared to the severity of the offense... that is child porn and comes w/ a pretty stiff legal consequence.

Jodi - posted on 12/18/2014

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One more thing - if she is rude, you don't do things for her. I've been known to go on strike for a rude child. It only happens once - he realised when I stopped taking him to sports training or allowing him to have any friends over because all of that meant work for me, He had to make his own lunches, wash and iron his own clothes, etc. I'm sorry, child, but I don't do anything for people who treat me like crap. And if you think when you are older you can treat people like that and expect people to do things for you, you have a HUGE lesson to learn. May as well learn it now.

Tough love.

Jodi - posted on 12/18/2014

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Teenagers are not "supposed" to be rude at all. Yes, they CAN get rude at times, but there is absolutely no excuse for it and they shouldn't not be that way, and by using the term "supposed to be" you are insinuating we just accept that is they way they are. In my experience, most teenagers are not that rude. Your daughter is just being a total brat. None of my children have ever been like that. I'm a teacher, and in the majority of cases (not all), teenagers are generally quite polite if treated respectfully.

You seriously only grounded her for 2 weeks for posting nude pics? Why the heck does she still have a phone? I'm sorry, but that's just NOT okay. She has demonstrated to you she is clearly not responsible enough for a phone right there. In addition to any punishments, did you actually sit down and talk to her about the implications of those photos? That they will still be out there 10 years from now when her future employers do a search to see if she is a suitable employee? That the boys at her school will still be circulating those photos for years to come? That those photos no do not belong to her, but they are public property? That posting them and distributing them is a criminal offence and incredibly serious and can lead to jail

You need to crack down on the attitude and stop accepting it as "the norm". It isn't. You need to make it very clear it is unacceptable. Consider the consequences you can put into place and spell them out. Her behaviour is immature, and she is acting like a young child. Treat her like one. Young children do not need phones. Young children do not get the privileges that older children may get. Young children can't go anywhere without adult supervision.

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