how do i tell her that her dad doesnt want her

Jennifer - posted on 04/28/2009 ( 179 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 3 she has saw her dad all of 10 times in her life he wants nothing to do with her he stated he hope we die in a car crash. how do i tell her that he didnt want her or he just choose not to be in her life but he has another daughter in mississippi that he takes care of.......

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Honestly, I just read your post out loud to my husband and his answer is the same as mine....you DON'T tell her that her dad doesn't want her. She's too young to hear such a sad thing. If she asks for her daddy you just have to tell her that "he's not here right now" or something like that that a 3 year old can understand. You have to make yourself enough for her. I just hate the idea of breaking her heart so young. She's a precious baby and if her "daddy" can't see that then he's the one missing out on such a fantastic daughter. Please, don't break her heart. Just tell her anything you have to, other than the truth for now. Let her stay sweet and young as long as you can. I worry that if you tell her something like that at such a young age then she will take it to mean that she isn't worthy or that she isn't good enough and that would simply be a shame.

User - posted on 04/30/2009

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Hello, I am 30 years old. When I was 3 yrs old my dad made the choice of not wanting to be part of my life, but NEVER did my mum tell me that he did not want me, love me or care about me. She told me that daddy had to be away for a while, and she never said a bad word against him. (When I was 14 yrs old thats when I started asking more quetsions about him) She made sure that just her love and attension was all I could ever wish for. I completely agree with the second lady's post Joy Benson- I couldn't put it better myself. Showing him that you don't care what he thinks, or does right now ,is the power that you hold, and as your little princess grows up to be the wonderful girl she will be- just him knowing that he has missed out on so much will be punishment enough, I am in touch with my dad now and have been for the past 4 years, and he regrets everything-he has missed my whole life but it was his choice. When your little girl is old enough to see and understand what happened all those years ago, she will make up her own mind, and beacuse you haven't influenced your pain and anger for him on to her, your bond will be stronger than ever-for you never allowed her to feel such pain. Keep strong, you have the bestest gift of all x x

Tiffany - posted on 04/28/2009

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At such a young age, I wouldn't tell her anything but that daddy has to go away for a while. Never tell her his hurtfulwords.

Tia - posted on 04/28/2009

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Hi Jennifer i'm Tia, I just joined circle of moms...I would not tell her at all, y break her heart and she would not fully understand anyway.That is his lost...U just have double duty that's all...u r mom and dad.

Carolee - posted on 04/28/2009

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Hello Jennifer ! Carolee Dalton . Don't tell her ! She doesn't get her value from him . Her reflection right now is YOU and she is wanted by YOU and that is enough for her for now. I would suggest at some point if you don't already have a man in her life that is amazing and trustworthy find a Big Brother or Pastor at church some amazing man that tells her she is smart and beautiful too :} When she is much older tell her that he misses out ,because he does:}

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Melanie - posted on 11/08/2011

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I can honestly say that knowing my father never wanted me, yet treats his other daughter with so much care, it hurts alot. Im saying this from personal experiance. when i was 4 my father left and ive seen him a total of 4 times in the past 16 years. He was kicked out of his house and i was glad i got to see him, and that my daughter could see her grandfather(though she was 2-3 months) He was here for about 2-3 weeks and held her once. His excuse was she looked so much like his daughter......I felt like i wanted to cry and tell him i never wanted to see him again. I dont believe you should tell, from personal experience.

User - posted on 05/05/2009

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My honest opinion is not to say anything at this point. I went through the situation. My twins are 10 years old, an the man i married has been there for them since they were 6 months. just recently there father asked to come back in there life for someone. i never told them an that is not something you child should have to question. please dont tell.

Lisa - posted on 05/05/2009

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I am in the same situation as you. My daughter is almost 3 and her dad hasnt seen her but maybe 6 or 7 times and most of those was when she was just a little baby. He has two other children..one of which is only 5 months old right now and he takes care of both of them. he pays both of those moms child support and pays me nothing. His payment is 60 dollars a month and he is 900 behind on that right now.. I got it reduced to 60 because I dont want a thing from him. My daughter has said things about daddy before and I just start playing or talking about something else. She hears about daddies on tv and is starting to ask right now. I am going to tell her that daddy is not here and he cant be here right now. He has other things to prevent him from being with us. I am not going to tell her anything else. The good thing about my child as well as yours is that they can't miss what they don't know. Now that my daughter is older I will not let her see him even if he calls because I know he wont be there in the end and if she starts seeing him and getting to know him she is going to be heartbroken when he is gone. Since they are so little they will be used to the idea of not having a daddy around by the time they are school age. I use to babysit a little girl that was 4 and had always had her daddy around and then he decided just to leave her with her mom and engage in other things, she missed him and cried her eyes out. My daughter will neve rbe that way or I will hurt him...lol...anyway that is the positive of the situation, I would wait until she gets older before I told her anything but that dadddy is not here or daddy is gone and can't be here....see how mature she gets once she starts school and gets old enough to ask specific questions and being her mother your heart will tell you what to say and what to do......I am in the same situation so if you ever want to talk to me, I am here!!

Kim - posted on 05/05/2009

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I wouldn't tell her until shes old enough.I was in the same situation but i was the child my dad didn't take care of.She'll ask you question later but don't bring it up until she asks, and TRUST me when i tell you this he's gonna need her later on in life I know he will. EVERYTHINGS GONNA BE OKAY:)

Elene - posted on 05/05/2009

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Tell her nothing about her fathers feelings she is too young to understand it right now.

Brandi - posted on 05/05/2009

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my oldest has only seen his real father 1 time in 10 years its hard to explain to them now so i would wait tell she is older and can understand what is going on

Becky - posted on 05/05/2009

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My husband has never know his father, in fact his mother never gave him a name until recently when she produced three names (no this is not a script for mamma mia!). He always says to me that he wonders what his dad is like but can't be bothered to find out. At the end of the day his mother, and all her 'issues' was there for him all his life, providing the best she can. Ok so things in her life lead her to having my husband and not knowing who the dad is, but people make mistakes. All three men were serving police officers working with her they all watched her pregnancy progress and even saw him when she took him into the police station etc. If they had wanted anyone of them could have played a part in his life and found out for sure if they were his dad. They do not deserve to part of my husbands life, he is a wonderful man and any real man would be proud to have him as a son. He is a fantstic husband, father and friend.

Although i don't think my mother in law should have made such a secret out of the fact she did not know who his father is, i don't think she needed to tell him too much either.

I think you just say to your daughter you love her unconditionally and that she has a great family who are there and care, if she asks about her father you tell her that some times, people do very silly things and when she is older she can ask him herself.

Becky - posted on 05/05/2009

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My husband has never know his father, in fact his mother never gave him a name until recently when she produced three names (no this is not a script for mamma mia!). He always says to me that he wonders what his dad is like but can't be bothered to find out. At the end of the day his mother, and all her 'issues' was there for him all his life, providing the best she can. Ok so things in her life lead her to having my husband and not knowing who the dad is, but people make mistakes. All three men were serving police officers working with her they all watched her pregnancy progress and even saw him when she took him into the police station etc. If they had wanted anyone of them could have played a part in his life and found out for sure if they were his dad. They do not deserve to part of my husbands life, he is a wonderful man and any real man would be proud to have him as a son. He is a fantstic husband, father and friend.

Although i don't think my mother in law should have made such a secret out of the fact she did not know who his father is, i don't think she needed to tell him too much either.

I think you just say to your daughter you love her unconditionally and that she has a great family who are there and care, if she asks about her father you tell her that some times, people do very silly things and when she is older she can ask him herself.

Sha - posted on 05/05/2009

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you have such a pretty lil girl. God will see you thru. i have to agree with Joy. dnt tell her nothing bad bout her dady. when she gets older she will find out the truth. i am a single mother too. my situation is different, but one thing i kno for sure is the anger that you feel for having to do it on your own. turn over any anger that you may feel to God and He will give you peace.

Christina - posted on 05/05/2009

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You don't tell her until she is old enough. For now just tell her that he has other things to do and can't be there for you two. That will make the convo go a little easier for now...

User - posted on 05/05/2009

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dont tell her, shes worth more than that. tell her daddys away the moment, and im sure you love her enough for the both of you. mines the same. my daughters 3, hes found someone else, but he already has 3 kids and a grandchild from a previous relationship. they never change

User - posted on 05/05/2009

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dont tell her, shes worth more than that. tell her daddys away the moment, and im sure you love her enough for the both of you. mines the same. my daughters 3, hes found someone else, but he already has 3 kids and a grandchild from a previous relationship. they never change

Melissa - posted on 05/04/2009

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First of all, you don't tell her anything like that. She is way too young to have to deal with that right now in my opinion. Just being honest I sympathize with you, but you two are the adults and need to work it out or just go your separate ways.. If he truly said that he "hopes you guys die in a car crash", than maybe he is not worth having in her life for her safety. Jah Bless..

Paulette - posted on 05/04/2009

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Hi Jennifer,

The fact that he does wish harmful things upon you and your daughter is terrible. But the realization is that he is very immature and selfish. A lot of moms' have said not to tell your daughter and I agree. She would not understand the whole concept of why he does not want her or loves her. Developmentally she is not ready. I don't like lying to children but I would tell her something like he is busy. When she is older I would tell her the whole truth. To tell her now or until she emotionally can handle the truth it is better, you do not want to emotionally scar her or become the bad guy. He'd be the bad guy but you'll bare the brunt of tell her her daddy doesn't want her. Time will let her know and then she will need you for support and love. He will show his true colors and she will be bruise emotionally but you can explain that not all men are like her father, plus so much more. By then you may fine a nice man who will fill that void of a father that she may have. But right now you complete her and she loves you. You are her whole world now. As far as money goes, you can have the child support tweeked as far as how much he pays due to an increase in his salary, the economy, etc. I would look into it due to the fact I believe you said he started paying in 2005. Does HIS family have anything to do with your daughter? If they are nicer then maybe they can help by being in contact. Is his family pleasant with you or would they just start conflict?

Samantha - posted on 05/04/2009

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Hi there at 3 years old your daughter is not old enough YET to process the ins and outs of your situation. If she asks be as honest as you can be but keep your answers short. At age 3 they will only process wot you tell them. Keep it positive about dad (even thou he's not facing up to his responsibilities) until a time when she starts to see things for herself. She has got to make her own mind up about him when shes old enough and she will hopefully respect you for it if you give her that freedom.

I know exactly where you are coming from as I have twin boys that have nothing to do with their 'so called father' as he did not want to be a aprt of their lives. They have just asked me at age 4 n a half if they had a daddy!! I felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart but I answered their questions as they fired them at me and then made a note of it (date, time, questions asked, my answers etc) to put away and show them when they are older in case they don't remember. Hope this helps, good luck

Shannah - posted on 05/04/2009

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don't say anything negative about him to her period. when she gets older if she wants to know why he isn't around tell her and let her decide if she wants to contact him or not. but don't decide for her. good luck ok and keep your head up

Stacie - posted on 05/04/2009

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After reading all these posts, I must say, I thought I was alone with this matter. I have 3 children, 16, 15 & 5. My teenagers had their father in their lives until about a year ago when he signed over his custody rights. After many years of arguing over child support payments and threats from his new wife to both me and my children, I asked him to give me sole custody in exchange for terminating the child support. He agreed and re-worded the petition to read that he wanted no visitation rights to them. For 2 pre-teen children to actually see that their father didn't want them was extremely difficult for us... My 5 year old on the other hand, her father saw her the day she was born, that's it... She only recently has asked if she has a father and where he is... I understand what you're going through about telling your daughter. I made a concious effort when my youngest was born that she would know about her father, I plan on telling her all about him when she is old enough to understand. Although I'm sure the feelings of "why doesn't he want me" will be there, I also pray that while she doesn't have a relationship with him, she will understand that regardless if he was there or not, "I" have always been there... I make sure each day that all my children know that I love them, that my world would not be complete if they were not a part of it and that I am never going anywhere. Just some advice - I have learned over the past couple of years, that a family doesn't have to consist of a mom and a dad, but of one parent who truly loves you and is willing to play both roles when needed... I personally was a daddy's girl and it breaks my heart to know that my 2 daughters will never be that, but in the same respect they get to be mommy's girls and I think that's awesome. My son on the other hand - while he's not a mommy's boy, he knows that I can definitely throw a mean football, catch a baseball or take him fishing.... I learned to play both roles and I completely love it... My view is, it's their loss, I got to experience the joy of all of their firsts and if they didn't feel the need to be there... Oh well.... Love your little girl, I'll never say it's easy, but remember, that day will come when it will make it all worth it...... She will thank you one day for all that "you've" done for her, that's all that really matters!!!

Melody - posted on 05/04/2009

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Hello Jennifer, I understand where you are coming from my daughter is 4 months old and her father said the same thing he wont even give me his info to file for the paperwork. I don't even know how i will say it exactly I think that I'm going to say something like " Honey sometimes there are times when people are ready to be parents and sometimes they aren't its not because of you its because that is how they were created. anybody can be a father but you know what when i met your daddy he loved you even though you guys are blood related that is what makes him your daddy. and we love you very much. so please don't think its your fault cuz its not, you are perfect and it is his lost." I hope that helps hun.

Melody - posted on 05/04/2009

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Hello Jennifer, I understand where you are coming from my daughter is 4 months old and her father said the same thing he wont even give me his info to file for the paperwork. I don't even know how i will say it exactly I think that I'm going to say something like " Honey sometimes there are times when people are ready to be parents and sometimes they aren't its not because of you its because that is how they were created. anybody can be a father but you know what when i met your daddy he loved you even though you guys are blood related that is what makes him your daddy. and we love you very much. so please don't think its your fault cuz its not, you are perfect and it is his lost." I hope that helps hun.

Melody - posted on 05/04/2009

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Hello Jennifer, I understand where you are coming from my daughter is 4 months old and her father said the same thing he wont even give me his info to file for the paperwork. I don't even know how i will say it exactly I think that I'm going to say something like " Honey sometimes there are times when people are ready to be parents and sometimes they aren't its not because of you its because that is how they were created. anybody can be a father but you know what when i met your daddy he loved you even though you guys are blood related that is what makes him your daddy. and we love you very much. so please don't think its your fault cuz its not, you are perfect and it is his lost." I hope that helps hun.

[deleted account]

Such a sad post... My sisters husband left when her daughter was just 10 months old. She is now 9 years, but my sister never denied him access or said bad things about him (she could be a saint!). The upshot is that NOW his daughter is old enough to understand what a shit he is and doesn't want anything to do with him, so the tables have truly been turned. Keep strong and have faith - what goes around comes around and he'll get whats coming to him someday.

Jeanne - posted on 05/04/2009

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First off with an attitude like that towards the child, she is better off without this sad excuse for a man. If she asks for her daddy then tell her that her daddy is away for a little while and get divert her attention towards something else. Whatever you do whether it be today, tomorrow or 10 years from now don`t ever criticize this man in front of her because she will resent you for it later. Remember to always keep your answers to her questions about her dad age appropriate. If she does not see him in time (since she is so young) she will stop asking. If later on she choses to seek out this man, be there for her no matter what. I had the situation with my oldest chlds bio-dad he told a mutual friend that it would be easier for everyone if I just had a miscarriage when I was pregnant with her. Remember anyone can make a child, but being a father takes a real man. `Dad`is the person who tucks you in at night, who shares his ice cream on a hot summer day, who scolds you when needed and who gives the child the hugs that makes everything better. I was fortunate to find such a man who loves my daughter as much as our son together and he keeps saying she will always be special to him because he is the only man she has ever called `daddy`. It`s hard and it breaks your heart, but your daughter will be infused with the strenght you have to go through this situation.

Alison - posted on 05/04/2009

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hello jennifer, from england. my daughters father left us when she was a baby, and for 18years we heard nothing. i didnt once put him down to her, whenever she asked, i told her he couldnt be with her, but i was sure he was thinking about her. this gave her some security with the situation. once she was an adult, i found him for her, she has met him, and decided she doesnt want to pursue a relationship with him. my daughter has always said she was grateful i hadnt bad mouthed her father, and left it to her to decide for herself.

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Erica - posted on 05/04/2009

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I totally understand where you are coming form, i am in the same unemployment situation and its ruff. struggling to provide their needs and some wants is very difficult alone but god wont put more on you than you can bear. Its heart breaking to tell my son mommy does have the money for this or that (especially since he deserves it) but i know it will get better soon. As for telling her def not , she is too young to understand her father is an ass and she is perfect. Telling her will only cause pain for her, she will wonder why doesnt her want her. As she grows older she will notice that he missed out not her;) My sons (dead beat dad)does not help me at all no money! no support! My ex took the place of his bio and even though were not togather he still is his father. Because of him my son does not miss the dead beat. Dont worry you will find a good man to be their for you and your child;)

Kerry - posted on 05/04/2009

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I agree with Joy, you will just have to be mom, dad and more for that angel of yours. There is an old Jamaican saying which goes " the stone that the builder refuse will become the head corner stone" which means that your girl might not mean anything to his sorry a&* right now but there will become a time when she will hold the bottle of water that will save his sorry life. Dont worry girl, God dont make mistakes!!!

Angi - posted on 05/04/2009

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I feel your pain! My lil girl is 3 and has only seen her dad about 5 times in the last 2 years... I always hope I am doing the right thing by not hunting him down and making him have something to do with her, But at the end of the day I know that I can not change how he feels about her. When she gets about 12 or 13 and she wants to know who he is then I will do everything to find him and let him explain why he didn't want her. Until then she has seen a few pics and asks and I just change the subject. I never talk bad about her bio dad. She will learn how he is soon enough! Good luck and God Bless!

Angi - posted on 05/04/2009

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I feel your pain! My lil girl is 3 and has only seen her dad about 5 times in the last 2 years... I always hope I am doing the right thing by not hunting him down and making him have something to do with her, But at the end of the day I know that I can not change how he feels about her. When she gets about 12 or 13 and she wants to know who he is then I will do everything to find him and let him explain why he didn't want her. Until then she has seen a few pics and asks and I just change the subject. I never talk bad about her bio dad. She will learn how he is soon enough! Good luck and God Bless!

Breeze - posted on 05/04/2009

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Quoting Rosalyn:

Mam screw that African American he not @#*% u won't have to tell her she will see when she gets older. I'm sure she asks about her dad at that age. He's not a man but alot of us tend to have a dude like that. But get the best part of him HIS MONEY!!!!! I know there is someone in your future thats will be there for both u.


Considering what you're saying about this man, I'd say you already got the best part of him -- a darling daughter.  I have a friend who has become very independent and is able to say the best thing her ex-boyfriend gave her was her two sons.  Your daughter is a blessing, even if he wasn't.

Tabatha - posted on 05/04/2009

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My father was not in my life. I can count the number of times I saw him and it does have life-long affects. BUT, the good thing is she has YOU. The way that you handle this is vital and I am so sorry it is on you to fix what he fails to do. There are a lifetime of unfair things ahead for both of you. When she brings him up...The best thing I can recommend is to let her know she was created out of love and that sometimes grown-ups do make mistakes. It is a mistake not to be around her and love her and enjoy her growing up because she is so very precious. That you are happy to be her mom and thankful you get to watch her grow and no matter what happens with her dad it is not because of her at all. That is the important thing to reinforce every time you have the chance. When she says one day he will... let her have that, say "maybe, but for now we have each other and wow are we going to have a great life together!" I know how hard it is to hear the fantasies that your daughter has about the "one day" he decides to come around or do whatever, but any feelings about that are her way of coping emotionally. My kids even ask why I do not have a dad today... For them I say that not all dads are as good at it as their dad is. My dad was one that did not know how to do it and decided he did not want to be my dad. It was on him and not on me. Maybe that is a conversation that you could have when your beautiful daughter is older. My very best to you both and I hope something in this helps!

Stephanie - posted on 05/03/2009

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I agree with most of the people here as I was/am in the same situation. You don't speak poorly of him in front of her, and you don't tell her that he doesn't want her or doesn't want to see her. You give her all the love you can, and you find a strong male role model to be in her life until you find someone that you want to spend the rest of your life who is good with her.

When I was 2 months pregnant with my middle child and my first child was 7 months old, I separated from their father and filed for divorce. He showed up every 6 months for the first 3 - 4 years of their lives, never paid child support, and gave me a gift card to wal-mart for $40 to go buy them a gift, just so I couldn't file an abandonment petition in court and have his parental rights revoked. As he is an over the road truck driver and never called them, I would just tell them that he was working a lot and didn't have a phone because he would not pick up when I called for them to speak to him. I was lucky enough, however, to find a man that was willing to be more of a father to them than their biological father was/is, and we have been together since my middle child was 11 months old and were married 3 years ago.

When I got remarried and had my youngest child, my ex decided that he wanted a little more to do with them, but only had contact every couple of months at his convenience, which made the older boys confused about things because they had only really known their step-father as being a constant in their life.

Almost a year ago, my 2 older boys' father showed up with a girlfriend that has 4 kids, they all live with him at his parent's house, and now tries to see them at least once a month. While this is good for the boys because I want them to know and see their father, it has only confused them more because the other kids get to see him more and he only contacts them when his girlfriend bugs him or it is convenient for them.

Now that they are 6 and 7, they see what has happened and is happening, and they have figured out what is going on. They already don't want much to do with him, but love seeing his girlfriend and her children. They ask questions like, "how come the other kids have so many toys and get to see my dad more and we don't have that much stuff and never get to see him?" To which I reply, "you will have to ask your dad that the next time you see him or when he calls." I still to this day do not speak of him in front of them, and only answer questions in a positive manner. They will form the opinions of him themselves.

The 3 good things they have going for them is that they know I love them and would do anything in my power for them, I found a decent man that treats them like one of their own, and my father has always been a constant, steady male role mode in their lives and will continue to be until he is no longer around.

Children will figure it out on their own when they are ready. Just let your daughter know that you will always be there for her, and even though it is hard saying no when she wants something, try to compromise. If she wants a $10 toy, make her a deal... tell her that you will go to a different store (the dollar store) and let her pick 2 things. I have had to do this with my own children as I also lost my job about 6 months ago and have not been able to find anything. They like the idea of getting 2 toys instead of one, and it's a lot easier on the financial situation.

Good luck to you!

Rica - posted on 05/03/2009

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You DONT! Find a way of saying something that's free from shame, blame & guilt. What's done is done. You have to keep her safe, loved, worthy and wanted. Explain it in an age appropriate manner.

Rica - posted on 05/03/2009

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You DONT! Find a way of saying something that's free from shame, blame & guilt. What's done is done. You have to keep her safe, loved, worthy and wanted. Explain it in an age appropriate manner.

Ez - posted on 05/03/2009

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DON'T!!! I have a 3 month old daughter who's father is also absent - has never seen her - and I will also have to deal with this issue. However it's important that you deal with it in an age-appropriate way, and at 3 she will most definitely not understand the complexity of adult relationships and why her father is not there. You need to filter the information so that she gets the basic facts ("he lives far away/Mummy and Daddy can't live together" etc) without burdening her with the emotional aspects at this point. As she gets older she will most likely ask more in depth questions, as I'm expecting my daughter to also, and at some point when she's grown you may well want to tell her all the details. But absolutely do not even attempt to do that now. It will do no good whatsoever.

Ez - posted on 05/03/2009

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DON'T!!! I have a 3 month old daughter who's father is also absent - has never seen her - and I will also have to deal with this issue. However it's important that you deal with it in an age-appropriate way, and at 3 she will most definitely not understand the complexity of adult relationships and why her father is not there. You need to filter the information so that she gets the basic facts ("he lives far away/Mummy and Daddy can't live together" etc) without burdening her with the emotional aspects at this point. As she gets older she will most likely ask more in depth questions, as I'm expecting my daughter to also, and at some point when she's grown you may well want to tell her all the details. But absolutely do not even attempt to do that now. It will do no good whatsoever.

Ez - posted on 05/03/2009

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DON'T!!! I have a 3 month old daughter who's father is also absent - has never seen her - and I will also have to deal with this issue. However it's important that you deal with it in an age-appropriate way, and at 3 she will most definitely not understand the complexity of adult relationships and why her father is not there. You need to filter the information so that she gets the basic facts ("he lives far away/Mummy and Daddy can't live together" etc) without burdening her with the emotional aspects at this point. As she gets older she will most likely ask more in depth questions, as I'm expecting my daughter to also, and at some point when she's grown you may well want to tell her all the details. But absolutely do not even attempt to do that now. It will do no good whatsoever.

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You dont tell her. That is too much for a child to deal with. You wait until she asks you about her dad, and just tell her you dont have the answers but you love her very much and will always be there for her. If you tell her that her father doesnt want her you will cause damage that may not be able to be repaired. She will figure out was an a$$ her dad is all by herself when she's older, trust me.

Amanda - posted on 05/03/2009

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Naw... dont tell her! I've been taking care of my 3 without thier low-life father around! U can do it girl, and they know what an ass he is. It will pay off when thier older.... they will know how was there for them and who wasnt, and thats my personal revenge on him later in life ya know!

Charlotte - posted on 05/03/2009

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hi huni just came across ur post 3day i have 3 kids myself my eldesst is now 11 and youngest 1 yr old but i split from my parnter wen my eldest was 3. i really wouldn`t tell her that he doesn1t want her in my experience she is only 3 and if u do tell her that she will feel thats it`s her fault he doesn`st want her, plus if u tell her that as she grows up it will push her more towards finding out about her father and seing him which will then give him a chance 2 poison ur own daughter against u. try 2 carry on as mormal as possible and if ur little girl asks about her daddy i think it would be best 2 tel her that he choose not 2 b in her life for now but it`s not anything she has done and that he may change his mind wen she is older but that u love her very much. he may change his mind later on in life and if u say anything bad about her father no matter how true he can use that against u with ur daughter wen she is old enough 2 understand all. i no how hard it is wen a man can b like that but u need 2 come across as the decent parent and the one who will let her daughter see the real man 4 who he is she may get hurt by him but she will learn by her own mistakes in life. b clever and make sure u screw him 4 enough child support as possible. x

Deana - posted on 05/03/2009

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as a mom to a 19 year old who has never met her father, the day he died she was at a loss that she would never get to see him, no mater what happens she may have a chance to get to see him in the future to find out directly from him why he never wanted her, but in the meantime what you can do is what i did... explain it's his loss and maybe one day he will grow up. never lie to her but try to wait til she is older to give her what info you can about him. the best thing is that she knows you want her no matter what. my daughter is just as happy as she can be. she has had all the love my family could give her. but one thing i did learn was to never down talk him to her she will think you're talking bad about her, he is a part of her no matter what. and as far as child support? good luck

Reshonda - posted on 05/03/2009

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I have learned through being a child growing up without a dad, the best thing to do is love that child just as you would if dad was around. At her age, feeding her something negative, will only produce negativity...she is a child, let her be that and enjoy that part of her life...Remember, though he may not be around, he is still part of her life, her DNA! To hear that a parent doesn't want you burns a memory that can NEVER be erased..As she grows, she will learn and realize what's going on.



If she mentions dad, as young as she is, just simply say, Daddy is busy, but mommie is here! :0)

Reshonda - posted on 05/03/2009

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I have learned through being a child growing up without a dad, the best thing to do is love that child just as you would if dad was around. At her age, feeding her something negative, will only produce negativity...she is a child, let her be that and enjoy that part of her life...Remember, though he may not be around, he is still part of her life, her DNA! To hear that a parent doesn't want you burns a memory that can NEVER be erased..As she grows, she will learn and realize what's going on.



If she mentions dad, as young as she is, just simply say, Daddy is busy, but mommie is here! :0)

Brandi - posted on 05/03/2009

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You need to stop & ask yourself how is telling her that her dad doesn't want her in any way beneficial to her? As a mom in the same situation myself I constantly remind myself that no matter what he did to me & my son, what I think of him or how I feel towards him for choosing drugs & his dope dealer/girlfriend after being together 41/2 yrs asking me to marry him & him being so happy that we were going to have a baby together, I refuse to talk negatively about him in front of my son. Everybody has the right to their own opinions & feelings. Who am I to tell or influence my son how/what he thinks/feels towards his father? Let be the first to tell you that it is far from easy to hear him ask who his daddy is, where is he, why doesn't he come see or talk to him? Even harder is when Father's Day rolls around & he comes home home w/the saddest look on his face, about to cry and says that all of his friends made a special card/gift for there daddy's and the teacher wanted everybody to write what dads favorite food or color is, what they like to do w/their dad, etc...THAT use to break my heart. My brother & my father have become very active in his life. We make sure he understands that they are his Uncle & Papa and we stay away from talking about his dad all together. On the occasion that he does ask about his father I tell the truth....I don't know where daddy is but I'm sure he thinks about you a lot. When he gets older AND I feel that he is mature enough to know what happened I have vowed to ONLY give him the facts not the feelings so that he can make the decision whether or not he wants to know & have a relationship w/his father...I do not ever want my son to resent me because I kept his dad from seeing him because of my own personal feelings towards him. I have given his dad every possible chance to be a father to him. Given him & his family my cell phone number, called his family & invited them to birthday parties, given them the opportunity to schedule visitation w/them even offered to bring him over for a bit on the holidays. I have given them my parents phone number & address on numerous occasions when wanted to come see him but never showed up. Family is very important to me & I wanted so badly for my son to know all the aunts, uncles, grandparents & cousins. The more family, the more love there is to feel. One can never be loved too much by too many people. Part of being a parent is protecting our kids from getting hurt not just by others or outside forces but also from ourselves at times. Good luck. I know how hard your situation is.

Joann - posted on 05/03/2009

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I'm also in the same spot. My daughters dad has a daughter in Florida that doesn't know about my daughter. He supports them and doesn't give us anything. My daughter is 2 and only seen him once. When I was pregnant he took all my money and left me with bills. I was losing my house had no money for food and he didn't care. I found out he was married in another state which blew me mind counting his parents were here plenty of times. They are all horrible people. Anyway, my daughter asks about her dad and I tell her that I don't know where he is and that I'm her mom and dad. It's a horrible feeling. My daughter only has me and my other two children she has no grandparents my parents both died. I believe when she is older I will show her everything he has done to us and how he didn't care about any of us and let her make up her mind about him. But for now just love her as much as you can. That's what I do with my daughter. I'm a single mom with no job and no child support so I know what it's like. But just think we are not the only ones out there. If other women can do it so can we just stay strong it's his lost and your gain.

Tammy - posted on 05/03/2009

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ok my daughter was4 when she started asking about her so called father so what i did was find him and let him talk to her that way your not blamed later in life that daddy wasnt around i got very lucky it worked out fine at 12 years old shed took all she could and called him everything but a white boy loland she ask me first what she should do cause he hurt her so much he made promises that he couldnt keep and i mean she at 12 went total off on her father said she never wanted to see him againand now shes 27 and she still dont care about him cause he didnt care about her ....ive seen this happen in my life where kids dont get to see or have the chance to get to know the parent and it always turned out ugly the mommy or daddy was blamed for not letting them see them .....but i gave my daughter that chance and let her make her mind up in her own time that way i wasnt blamed ... gl hope this helped out

tammy

Krista - posted on 05/03/2009

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jennifer i went though that with my daughter she will be 18 this year. it is not easy. she will ask alot of ques. as she starts to get older. You will see the pain in her eyes and fell the pain in her heart. You will cry for her and with her. you just have to keep loving her. dont talk bad about her dad ever in front of her. there is no right ans. really. the hurt and pain will alway be there. she will fell empty and angry she will go though a lot of different fellings. You just love her and love her hard. as my daught i let her make up her mind about her dad. i never said a bad word in front of her not even now. but i will say i told her dont let your dad choise of not being in your life effect who you r and who you want to become. positive words always never go a day with out telling your baby girl you love her and hug her let her know just how important she is.

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