How do i tell my daughter he's not her real daddy?

Debbi - posted on 12/20/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )




Im currently dating an amazing guy, he's not the father of my daughter thats due in a week but we have both decided that he should be daddy.. He's as involoved as any father would be.. My ex lives in a different state but lately ive been thinking how do i tell my daughter that he's not her real daddy...?


Krista - posted on 12/20/2009




A good time might be when she asks where babies come from. Kids usually do this around pre-school age, so she'll be old enough to understand, but not so old that she'll feel betrayed by years of thinking otherwise. When you explain about mommies and daddies, you can say that her daddy didn't actually make her -- that it was someone else who mommy was in love with at the time, but that being a daddy involves a LOT more than making a baby (give her examples of enjoyable things that your bf does with her), so that's why even though your bf didn't make her, he's still very much her daddy.

Whatever you do, don't delay it too long. She WILL find out, and if it's during the tumultuous teenage years, it could get really ugly.


View replies by

Constanza - posted on 04/01/2013




Always be honest, your kids will not thank you in the long run if you lie about the big things.

Brandi - posted on 12/20/2009




This happened in my husband's family. His cousin was born to a man she didn't really know, and her mother married a man she called Dad since she could speak. They didn't hide it from her, but they didn't tell her either. It just never really came up. Her last name, however, was different from her sisters' (she had her mother's last name and the rest of the kids had their father's last name) and she sorta figured it out. When she asked them about it, they were honest with her and explained what had happened. I'm not sure how old she was, though. I believe she did eventually meet her actual father, determined he was a jerk and has grown up to be just fine. She's an adult now, she has a father (the man her mother married). As long as she has a man who loves her and treats her as though she was his own, she'll be fine and she'll let you know when she wants to know why about her is different. i would suggest that you raise your daughter to not fear talking to you or your hubby about ANYTHING and when the time comes that she notices something is difft. JUST BE HONEST. If she asks why you never told her, tell her that you were waiting for her to show a sign that she was ready and able to understand what had happened and question "x" was that sign. I wouldn't stress about it. Being the BIOLOGICAL parent is highly overrated and what a better gift to give your child than a better Daddy than she has father.

Tara - posted on 12/20/2009




If her biological father is going to be in her life you might want to wait until she starts asking the questions about her Daddy. Then you could explain that her biological father is her birth father and your BF is her "heart/love father" who wanted to be there for her when her birth father was not able to be (you don't have to explain why your ex is an ex, etc). If the biological dad doesn't want to be in her life you can explain that he is unable to be there for you/her and let her choose when/if she wants to see him later on in life. When you really think about it, being a sperm donor doesn't make a person a father, love and commitment does.

Bonnie - posted on 12/20/2009




thats great that u have ur bf ... my partner sean now of 4 year in feb :) has been the dad to my baby girl since she was 2and a half months old she just turned 4 in nov ... her real dad was cheating on me still and did not want to commit to us i was devastated i aslo told him time and time again that u cant just think u can walk in when u feel like it and start being happy lil familys ... he has tryd to come back in and tell summer that hes her dad but she didnt understand that sean is her dad whos this man ... thankfully she was a bit younger so she doesnt remember it now she was 2 i think .. sean has been there for everything for my lil girl he loves her to bits and would like to see her still if we ever broke up

Hes seen the first teeth, crawling first steps first days of daycare ... christmas everything he pays for her as well they way i see it he is her dad and its not the blood that counts but the bond ... i have the same problem i ask my self this regularly how am i going to explain will she accept sean when she finds out or will she feel betrayed its a hard thing to ask .... but i took in what some women have said here i will probly know when the time comes ... so i think u should just do the same thing ...

Good luck to your arrival ... im also pregnant with our baby now 6 weeks and we are all soooooo excited :)

Kelly - posted on 12/20/2009




That is really tough. I haven't had that exact situation, but I did have to decide when to tell our daughter she was adopted. As tempting as it is just to lie (or never tell the whole truth), I never felt that was an option, because they always find out sooner or later, and will be so hurt if they think they have lived a lie. I had a friend who found out when she was fourteen that her daddy wasn't her real dad, and it really messed her up for awhile. So I told our daughter about her adoption when she was five. I felt like she should know before she started school, because it seems like that is sort of when they start to form their own identity, and become more independent. Also I wanted it to be up to her whether she told her friends or not. It was a hard thing to bring up with her, and it broke my heart to do it, but I figured better now than later. I always treat it as something perfectly normal and try not to make it into a big deal. Good luck to you as you make all the important decisions that go along with being a mom!

Jodi - posted on 12/20/2009




I was just asking because if he IS involved in her life, then she will know who her real daddy is from day one, so you would be dealing with it differently.

Personally, I think now would be a good time to talk to your ex about what involvement he wants in her life. I know it is a bit messy, but establishing some communication with him now would be better than him suddenly turning up later....

Shaina - posted on 12/20/2009




try not to worry about it just yet. honestly, when it comes time to tell her you know. My coisin told her son that there are different dads. there are the ones that help make babies and help raise them, ones that just makes them and ones that love you SO much that they want to raise you. (she said basically that) she also went on to say something about her daddy CHOSE to love her and be her daddy. Good luck!

Katelynne - posted on 12/20/2009




whoever loves her and cares for her and raisies her is her "daddy" even if he's not the biological parent doesn't change the fact that he's her dad. your boyfriend honestly is going to make that choice and trust me you got a long while before youll have to explain anything to your daughter, and youll know what to say by then!! Good luck with you delivery

Juana - posted on 12/20/2009




My daughter calls my bf daddy. Her biological father is in the Army & we aren't together. My bf has raised this child. It may not be her biological father, but he IS her daddy. takes alot more to be a daddy. When it comes time for them to know you'll know how to go about it.

Debbi - posted on 12/20/2009




She may.. or he may not even try... Yes he knows whens shes due, i left him when i was 3 months preggas, but none if that really matters i still think she should know eventually.. i just dunno how to tell her, or when is the right time...

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms