How do i tell my husband i found my son's biological father

Sandra De - posted on 09/21/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Hi! I need help URGENTLY. I don’t know what to do. I fell pregnant at a very young age and not wanting to tell my parents the truth about what happened, i lied and made the man out to be a bad person. ( i was afraid) I never told him i was pregnant. i have been looking for him for years now as my son is now 20yrs of age and yesterday i found him. i spoke to him briefly over the phone and he wants to meet our son. My son is excited about it but also nervous. The only problem is my husband is a very jealous man. How do i tell him about this? i am afraid that if i don’t tell him, he will find out and it will cause worse problems for me. (tears) i don’t want to have to hind this away because for 20 years my son has been asking questions and now that he can get the answers, we have to do it all in secret. (sigh)

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S. - posted on 09/21/2012

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You just need to be honest if you sneak around it will only make it worse when it comes out your son is seeing him (and it will). Just tell your hb that it's nothing to do with you or him, it's between your son and his father and you will suport your son. Tell you hb he's nothing to be jealous about what happened was 20 years ago, you may have to be present at there first meeting but then it's up to them to build a relationship.

Good luck and good on you for finally finding him and trying to right what's happened in the past.

Vicki - posted on 09/21/2012

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First of all I dont understand why your husband wasnt aware that you have been looking for your sons father in the first place, too late for that now though! Sit him down and let him know that your son has been curious about his biological father and he is wanting to meet him. let him know that you have talked with him already etc etc....there is no easy way to tell him other than just tell him. Im thinking that you do have to expect the feelings that will come up with it all, I dont feel like doing things behind your husbands back is a wise decission regardless of jealousy or not!

Good luck!

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Sandra De - posted on 09/21/2012

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Thank you Stacey. Yes i am very happy about the outcome. There is always hope and 1 should never give up or expect the worst. :-)

S. - posted on 09/21/2012

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How nice to hear! What a great out come Sandra, wishing you and your family all the best for the future.

Sandra De - posted on 09/21/2012

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thank you to all of you for your advice. i have just spoken to my husband and he took it very well. he was not as angry as i thought he would be and said he would not stand in my sons way if that is what he wanted. i am so relieved and i have told my son. he is also happy but also said that he would not love my husband any less and thinks of him as his father. the bio father is also happy and said he would not want to cause any ill feelings but is also happy that he can tell the world that he has a son and is proud of it. the world has been lifted off my shoulders. a relief is an understatement. they should be meeting each other soon.

Tracy - posted on 09/21/2012

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Definitely be straightforward and honest. The fact that your son is 20 (versus, say, 10) means they can build their relationship without you around. That may help your husband a bit. Unless you mean he would be jealous of sharing the father role. If that's the case, he needs to have your son explain to him how HE feels about your husband. Does he consider him DAD no matter what? THEY need to have a good heart to heart about expectations and feelings. Maybe after a while, if all is going well, your husband, son and bio dad can have coffee together and understand where each of them are at with feelings, etc... :)

Sandra De - posted on 09/21/2012

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Thaks Stacey :-)



Yes i will tell him it has nothing to do with us and it is all about my son. I will be going with on the first visit but then it will be up to them like you said. i dont need anything from him i just want my son to finally close a book that has been unfinishedfor years. Thanks again for the advice. I will post how it went.

Sandra De - posted on 09/21/2012

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Thanks Vicki.

I did tell my hubby when we first got together that i was looking for him but married for 17 years and no news of where he was, he kinda forgot about it. This is why i want to tell him now. I didnt tell him recently about me still looking because i did'nt want to get my son's hopes up high. but i will tell him tonight. i have no choice and he should also then understand that it is for my son and not for me.

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