how do I tell my sister her husband may be a peadophile?

Angela - posted on 10/03/2011 ( 65 moms have responded )

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This is a long story so bear with me. My sister has three children by her first husband, 2 girls aged 12 and 5 and a boy aged 8. Last year she met a man online and they fell in love, they married in june and are now trying for a baby.
My 12 year old niece never got on with this new man and in the summer holidays she went to her fathers and said she wasn't coming back. She wouldn't give my sister a reason why.
Two weeks ago my niece's father told us that she had accused my sister's new husband of showing her pornography on a laptop late at night while my sister was asleep. My sister was absolutely gutted and I called the police while she sat next to me in pieces. The police confiscated the laptop and were able to prove that there was pornography on the computer. My sister had no idea her husband was watching porn. Then my niece changed her story and told the police that it was my sister's husband AND my sister that had showed her porn. We all knew my sister would NEVER in a million years do that, we all started to doubt that my niece was telling the truth. Yet my niece does not normally lie and the question remained how did my niece know that my sister's husband was watching porn on the computer when my sister had no idea? However it was my Niece's word against theirs so the police dropped the case.
My sister was angry at my niece but they are trying to rebuild their relationship. My niece is still living with her dad and doesn't want anything to do with the husband but she is slowly beginning to see my sister again.
As far as my sister is concerned this thing is over and done with. However I went to see my niece yesterday. She told me that she is still angry at her mother for not believing her. She also told me that she changed her story to the police on purpose because she didn't want her mother to be be heartbroken and blame her for her husband being taken away. When I asked her what if it now happens to her little sister she said she hadn't thought of that.
So now here is my problem, I have a responsibility to my younger niece to tell my sister what her older daughter has said. I am dreading it but I cannot sit by and say nothing. My sister and I have always been close, she suffers from M.E and I am her carer. None of our family have ever liked her husband and we were all against her marrying him, she knows this. He is big and childish and throws a tantrum when anyone questions him about anything. However my sister is absolutely devoted to him. I think she will bury her head in the sand ans stand by him. How can I convince her that even if innocent it's not worth taking the risk that he might be a danger to her children? I don't really expect an answer to this question, I just needed to talk about it. Tell me what you think

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Carla - posted on 10/04/2011

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Take a big deep breath everybody. My husband is truly the most gentle, kind, soul and absolutely the most patient and loving father a man could be. One of his daughters -- when about this age -- wanted to live with her mom (no chores and got anything she wanted handed on a silver platter). Consequently, she made up a couple of solid lies that he and I both were cruel, rude, and very hurtful to her and forced her to skip things that were important to her..blah blah blah -- so that her mother wouldn't make her come back. Granted -- nothing as extreme as the above situation -- but nonetheless, teen-age girls do have the ability to fabricate some pretty believable stuff to get what they want.
You should have VERY frequent interaction with the younger niece. Empower her to have a voice and teach her very clearly and explicitly what is wrong and what she does not ever have to put up with. Get advice from a highly trained counselor on how to do this.
Innocent until proven guilty ladies. I see no proof of anything beyond that he himself watched porn -- which is not a crime, nor proof that he is inappropriate....even if he is a childish jerk.

Candie-Sue - posted on 10/05/2011

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Due to personal circumstances, I have had a lot of conversations with a highly qualified Forensic Social Worker specialising in child sexual abuse and I have learned that the mother will often stick her head in the sand; it is very rare for her to leave the perpetrator, often due to financial support or somesuch which she won't have if she leaves, therefore she chooses to believe him over everything...
A child DOES occasionally lie, Carla, eg. sometimes the mother is so cross over being divorced, she gets the child to lie about been sexually abused by the father so that he cannot see the children BUT and it's a BIG BUT...an experienced social worker who conducts an interview will quickly pick up discrepancies in the child's statement: where they have been taught to say inappropriate words or to say what has been done to them but their body language and HOW they talk about it will provide whether they are telling the truth or not....
The social worker says all the sexually abused children want is for the behaviour by the perpetrator to stop and WILL OFTEN recant the story when they realise the repercussions,ie.that the child will be removed from the home and that the father/stepfather will go to jail and their mother will be upset!!!
Angela, I'm so sorry that you find yourself so in the middle of this situation. Your niece needs to be interviewed/assessed by a Forensic Social Worker who will verify whether she is telling the truth or not. In the meantime, you need to empower your sister's little children. Reinforce that no-one may touch them where their swimsuits sit on their bodies. It is very common for paedophiles to groom their victims by initially 'playing' touchy-feely tickling games, each time getting closer to the erogenous regions, occasionally 'accidently' touching them to see how the child reacts. A child who speaks up and says "Don't do that, I don't like that" causes the paedophile to back off a little because he is been challenged and he will unfortunately turn to someone less challenging. Showing pornography is a way to desensitise children so that when he eventually makes his move, the child does not find it strange. A paedophile will often first touch a child sexually around the anus and penetrate the anus, therefore know that little boys are not 'safe from paedophiles. They do so because a parent often emphasizes to the child that no-one must touch the child's 'fanny' or 'willy' but often say nothing about the anus so ensure that the swimsuit area is not to be touched. The paedophile will often threaten the child: 'If you say something then your mommy will be cross with you; she will leave you; I will kill her...ad nauseum.
Please remember a paedophile can rape in 5 minutes!!! (any penetration of any child's orifice by any object/person is classified as rape in my country)
When you think your 3 yr old child is perfectly safe, out in the garden looking at Koi fish with the uncle, while you chat inside with your sister is an ideal time and enough time for a paedophile to rape a child... Please take heed of what I have written here. we are the children's only protectors. Good luck.

Marnie - posted on 10/03/2011

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I can guarantee he will not stop just because he was somewhat "caught". These type of people cannot be cured! The father should step in and take custody of those poor kids, they deserve better than this in life! Please keep us posted, these kids need you!

Christy - posted on 10/03/2011

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No offense Mariana, but why the F would a GROWN man show a 12 year old CHILD porn? This IS a form of child molestation, although non contactual.

Ez - posted on 10/04/2011

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The change in your niece's behaviour screams that something happened. Possibly even something more than him showing her the porn :( Yes, 12 is a hard age for girls. But most do not say (or write) that they don't deserve to live!

I would be pushing for this young girl to be seen by a counsellor/psych who specialises in sexual abuse cases. They are trained to get the truth.

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Corinne - posted on 10/07/2011

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Its such a sad story that you have told but very common. It is a very hard subject to say anything about for fear of losing someone/someones dear. Let me just say..listen to your gut feeling, think of your first thoughts when told. Did you instantly believe or did you actually have to think hard about what truth lies behind this story from what you know , in your mind and on face value. Its scary to live it, its scary to be a part of, its scary the "what ifs" and you don't do anything or you act on it and its not true. These are the key elements in you deciding whats the best course of path you take and continue on. Can you live with the consequences of how you act? Ignoring the situation, sticking your head in the sand over it, and thinking it as a dirty little thing that needs to be kept quiet and swept under the carpet can not happen...lives emotionally depend on this right now and far into the future.
Be honest, truthful, answer all questions truthfully to yourself,family and Neices. If you don't know an answer thats okay but you need to be there for them. This is a hard thing to go it alone and maybe she got scared at the severity or for another reason as to why her story changed, but where would she come up with this?
I am just trying to express how hard a subject it is and the consequences can be very scary for everybody. I have my reasons for suggesting this and if you would ever like to hear them from a kids point of view and to the consequences still seen at the age of 38years old then please Facebook me and i'll be quite happy to share my stories and theier effects becasue even though its never been done to me it has affected my whole life.

Jess - posted on 10/06/2011

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some women think time away can change a guy like your sisters husband... he needs therapy with a forensic specialist to see what kind of threat he poses.... he might not be the kind of guy who can be helped... he may always be a risk to any child... these are things I would want to know as well... if I were in your sisters shoes.... her family now needs healing & support she did do the right thing & may even feel awful.. but its what good parents do! children come first! always....

good luck to you!
I hope things get better for all of you!

Becky - posted on 10/06/2011

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I would not call child protective services. Do you want all the children in foster care?I would choose private counseling. At age 12... she is probably better off with her Dad and hopefully can live a fun and normal life with girlfriends spending the night and parties and laughing.. For the sake of your niece the porn king should not be allowed to see or be in her presence. . As far as your sister goes - she is making her choice known - by putting her head in the sand - it's what she is not saying or doing. that will hurt her daughter. AND the whole porn thing will be a giant elephant in the room forever. Deal with it.. and do what is best for your niece and the good family.

Shalisha - posted on 10/06/2011

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U really should tell ur sister how u feel this could turn into a verhy dangerous situation, I knw that this is something past hard to say to a close family member expecially ur sister bt remember wat.could happen if u don't?

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At least she is putting the children first, it sucks that she is in pai, but long term it will be better for them all.

Angela - posted on 10/06/2011

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My sister kicked him out today. She still loves him desperately but she has decided that she has no choice but to listen to her daughter. It was pitiful to watch him sobbing but I think she made the right choice. Now I just need to be there for her and the children, her heart is broken. I hated to have to do that to her but she needed to know.

Angela - posted on 10/06/2011

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My sister suffers with M.E, a condition that affects her physically and mentally. Some days she can't walk and must use a wheelchair, she also suffers with constant fatigue, vertigo, muscle spasms and balance problems. I am her carer because her husband works 12 hours a day 5 days a week.

Lisa - posted on 10/06/2011

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oh, Angela.... I feel for you. What a horrible situation this must be for everyone.
If CPS have investigated and found a lack of evidence then I'm guessing you will have to wait until something more happens (as disgusting and horrible as that sounds!!)
Maybe this will be enough of a shake up for you sisters husband and nothing more will happen.
your oldest niece is old enough to chose where she lives, so the best place for her is her dads. Agree she shouldn't have contact with her stepdad and mum without someone else there.

Angela - posted on 10/06/2011

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Well, where to start with an update. I thought my sister would want to get this sorted straight away but she keeps making excuses about talking to her daughter. She has also told her husband everything I said, he cried and denied it all. My sister told me yesterday that she spoke to her ex husband and told him everything their daughter had said to me She then told me he wasn't happy for her to speak to her daughter about this and that he had said it was just me making trouble, she said he wanted to forget about the whole thing. However after speaking to him myself last night it turned out she had only told him half truths and titbits and it was her who had said to him that it was me making trouble. After I explained everything to him he agreed that there was a reason to be concerned and he said he'd speak to his daughter himself. He doesn't want my sister talking to her by herself because he thinks my sister will try to silence her.
So now I am upset, my sister and I have always been close and I'd hoped that she'd know that I only had her kids best interests at heart. Now though it seems as though she is choosing a man over her children and she's lying to me as well. Part of me wishes I hadn't said anything, although that was never an option. My sister says I'm putting pressure on her to make a decision and wants t know why this can't just be forgotten about and buried. It seems increasingly clear to me that my sister still doesn't believe her daughter and that she blames me for opening my mouth and bringing it all back up again. Pretty stuck about where to go from here to be honest.

Mia Hinn, the CPS have investigated but have dropped the case due to lack of evidence. They could only prove he'd watched porn which isn't illegal

Bethany - posted on 10/05/2011

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You need to call Child Protective Services immediately. They are professionals and will investigate it thouroughly. DO NOT SIT BY IDLEY. As an adult, we have the duty to protect ALL children. The other children are at risk. Call the authories and let them do their job.

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it's illegal to show children pornographic material donna.

i think you need to talk to your sister, and sadly, if she doesn't listen you need to call children's services. my husband was treated like this as a child by this step mother, and step sister. whenever he tired to talk about it to anyone his father would tell them he was lying, because he never saw it, or beleived him. my husband had no where else to go. when he was 9 his step mother threaten to kill him, and his grandparents steped in and took him, he had been living in that situation for over 5 yrs. you need to do something for those children, be a voice they need, and this may be regardless of your sister.

Donna - posted on 10/05/2011

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Looking at porn isn't a crime. Don't get me wrong I think it's disgusting but unless the porn was of little kids how could the police make a case out of it? The kids should not see porn but if it was adult porn that doesn't make this guy a pedophile. I would have a talk with this guy and tell him if he is going to be looking at porn to do it away from the kids.

Jan - posted on 10/05/2011

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This is a case where you have to protect the children at all cost! If your sister is unable to deal with her problem of being with a man who would do this, (and since the police found porno on his computer) we know he did do this. How would your neice know.
Why is there a question here? We adults are here to protect children. Be an adult...do what you have to do to protect the children involved. And also affirm the girls courage for speaking up and taking action for herself. !!!
Encourage her to always set her boundtries and to insist that they are respected!

Demarris - posted on 10/05/2011

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There are two ways to look @ it. Your niece could have catch him watching porn and decided that that was a good to get rid of him. If your niece would change to story later and put her mother in who knows what she would say to get rid of him. I know love your sister but before you bring the gouged niece in the equation you need to talk to your sister. I don't think it's your place to inform the younger niece. That just my opinion. There have been many cases were kids make up things to get rid of someone they don't like.

Marlo - posted on 10/05/2011

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You have to call child protective services and they will launch an investigation. It is your responsibility to call the proper professionals...you yourself can not determine. Don't put that pressure on yourself. Do the right thing.

Elizabeth - posted on 10/05/2011

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Try talking to her, if that doesn't work. CPS will listen. It IS worth it. You cannot just sit around and let that happen. This is coming from someone who was molested by her (now ex) step dad. One of the things he did was make me watch porn with him. Something has to be done. Even if you have to go behind her back, the safety of the kids is the most important.

Sammy - posted on 10/05/2011

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I can relate to this one very well except in my case it was my youngest step daughter and her biological mother's boyfriend.

I would suggest that you sit down with your niece and her father and talk about this. If at all possible have her write out a statement on a piece of paper of what happened, when it happened and why she recanted her story to begin with. It may also help if you have your sister there at the same time as you have this talk. Make it known to all parties that there would be no name callings or anything like that. Then I would go to the police with the statement and your niece and see what else can be done. The big key is that everyone is honest and talks openly and honestly about what happened or what is happening.

Melanie - posted on 10/05/2011

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Those children need a champion and a voice...they are too young to be able to have one for themselves. Yes, it may cause issues with you and your sister, but hopefully in time she will see that your intentions are to protect those kids. Sometimes you really have to go with your gut. You say something is not right with this man...when I was younger I had the same gut feeling about my stepfather. Not long after my mom married him he began drinking again (he was an alcoholic) and started becoming verbally abusive to me. I was old enough to fight back, though it did still cause issues with me. One day he beat the crap out of my mom. So proud of her for leaving. But my gut instinct about him was right...Nothing is more important than protecting those kids. Not even your relationship with your sister. Good luck to you, I hope this situation can be resolved...maybe reach out to another professional, the kids doctors or teachers? I wish the best for those kids.

Adele - posted on 10/05/2011

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how can your sister happily allow her daughter of just 12, mine is the same age, to not live with her,and allow a man who she has known for 5 mins stay?!?! 1st hint of trouble I would have shown him the door, your children must come 1st, not be pushed out of their home. Please speak to you sister, and make her rethink, tell this man to leave, and get her to build bridges with her daughter, andget her to move back home with her siblings, before she loses her 4ever. No man should come b4 your child.....good luck

Caroline - posted on 10/05/2011

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I think the best thing for you to do is not focus on "saving" anyone or being a hero. YOu need to go somewhere, and sit quitely by yourself, and when you hear your heart talking and not your ego, then you will be able to decide what action to do. Everyone has an opinion, but only you know the patterns of your life and family's life, which will equip you to follow your heart and make the correct decision for everyone. Good Luck. Just remember everyone must go through their own processes in life, and you are not able to control anything but your own.

Jeanne - posted on 10/05/2011

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Believe it or not this has happened in other families. Honesty is always the best policy.

Cheri - posted on 10/05/2011

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Here is my 2 cents on the scenario:

First, I would have another heart-to-heart with your niece and explain to her that is your intention to discuss this matter with your sister. Explain to your niece that it is necessary as both your (adult) responsibility and to ensure she is protected - and her siblings are protected. Let her know that the allegations are serious but that as long as she is being truthful in all her facts, that you will STAND BY HER AND SUPPORT HER and that she has no reason to be afraid.

Your niece's choice to recant her original story is not uncommon. Remember, she is a child and dealing with adult matters - but you need to also help her understand the seriousness of her allegations. If she does confide in you that the events DID take place, then my personal opinion is that it IS your responsibility to address this with your sister. Not only for the protection of your niece now living with her father - but also for her siblings still living in the home.

I in now way am suggesting that you have to go 'guns barreling' at your BIL; but your sister does need to be made aware. Good luck...I know none of this will be easy.

Leah - posted on 10/05/2011

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You should absolutely do something about this! A twelve year old girl needs an advocate for her since she doesn't feel her mother will stand up for her.

A grown man showing any child 4-18 has no place showing porngraphy to a child and most certainly is a pedophile.

I would contact police, social services whoever to look into this immediately. The harm he has done to your twelve year niece and possibly her siblings will be life long scars. And the message it sends to her is that if you speak up it is a bad thing since no one believes you, no one will protect you.
Please don't wait, contact police immediately.

Elizabeth - posted on 10/05/2011

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I would get the children's father in the know. He may not have any clue. If and when he found out and you didn't tell him, he might resent you. I would go to your sister first, even though it's excruciating. That way, she has no way of denying you tried to warn her. If she doesn't listen (which I suspect she won't), get the bio dad involved. Make sure your older niece understands you are not telling on her, but helping her and her sister. What would eventually happen is someone else can get word of this and CPS might get involved. Teachers and doctors have an obligation to report any abuse, and in my opinion, that's abuse. And since your intuition was correct on this immature guy, you never know what he is capable of doing. He might do something physically to your niece. Bottom line: GO WITH YOUR GUT. GET INVOLVED.

Ez - posted on 10/05/2011

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Carla, I disagree with the 'innocent until proven guilty' theory in the case of child sexual abuse allegations. Most sexual assault cases are a he said-she said scenario. Often there is never any scientific evidence or proof. That doesn't mean nothing happened.



We ALWAYS have to listen to a child who makes a claim like this, even if they later recant. We can't afford to dismiss it just because girls this age are sometimes difficult. That would be an obscene injustice.



Nobody is saying this guy needs to be locked up with the key thrown away with no investigation. But this girl's accusations need to be taken seriously. She needs to be assessed by a professional who will be able to wade through the different versions of events and find the truth.

Autumn - posted on 10/05/2011

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You can't sit around and do nothing! She might get mad at you, but she needs to know. If she doesn't listen then you just need to keep telling as much as you can. She will get mad just like she did at her daughter, but one day she will thank you for being there for her. You or the 12 year old need to talk to the 5 year old and tell her if anything happens that she doesn't like she needs to let you know. That is just my suggestions.

Bethany - posted on 10/05/2011

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Someone needs to tell her to be devoted to her children! That man won't be around long. She will see the true him after her honey moon faze is over. Tell her she needs to step back and look at the big picture. Get her a book on child molestation. In those books it always says to listen to your child otherwise they can hide what it going on. That is exactly what your niece did. Do some research then confront her.

AnaLee - posted on 10/05/2011

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I think you warning your sister is what you need to do. She would end up being more devastated if something happened to her other daughter. you can't wait until it's too late. the hard thing will be getting her to open her eyes and mind. she has to be watchful and be able to speak to her kids. anytime my mother dated someone she reassured me that I came first. she let me know that if anything happened that wasn't supposed to she would be on my side. maybe your sister should make sure her kids know that. that way if something happens, God forbid, her children will be able to confide in her. this made me really sad. I just hope everything works out for your family.

Munyaradzi - posted on 10/05/2011

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I think that in the best interests of all parties you should convince your sister that this man is no good for her before hr hurts her and her children

Julie - posted on 10/05/2011

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please listen to your niece..my 9 yr old daughter was sexually abused by my ex partner..i had a young daughter by him by the time i noticed somthing wrong..she became withdrawn and angry and i knew he had somthing to do with it when she began leaving the room when he came in..pedophiles are extremly clever cunning monsters..i called the police and had proffesionals talk to my daughter....he ended up with 5yrs in prison..the guilt is unbelievable and i would always listen to my child over a man anyday............please dont let this go...

Lisa - posted on 10/05/2011

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without reading all of the reply's I may be doubling up....
I think you need to talk to your sister about your concerns. Maybe try to leave the he said she said stuff out and talk from your heart about how this is destroying her relationship with her daughter and maybe the rest of the family as well. Don't go in too heavy or she will be resistant to what you have to say. Once you have said your piece, leave it with her, don't go on about it unless she wants to talk further, but let the kids know you will always be there to talk about anything so if anything happens in the future they know they can come to you. Or have your niece tell her siblings that you will always be there to help them should they need it. Good luck, its not an easy situation. I hope for everyone's sake it gets resolved.

Susan - posted on 10/04/2011

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throw caution to the wind and just do it. rather know in your heart that you took the chance than have something horrid happen and know that you quiet approach was the wrong way..... do it.

Michelle Amy - posted on 10/04/2011

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The easiest option is to contact a social worker or get your ex-brother-in-law to take his daughter to a respected psychologist. that way you have back up

Sarah - posted on 10/04/2011

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I have story like that I will not go in detail but please have them out of there.Its my story and I need help no one was there so please help them.It started out like this and ended bad. Please help the little ones.

Ashley - posted on 10/04/2011

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I would talk to her I agree that the new husband needs to go my daughter comes first in everything always better to be safe than sorry!!!!

Kaley - posted on 10/04/2011

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I don't think it's a situation to be taken lightly. I have known too many people who were aware of a man's physical or sexually abusive behaviors and did nothing about it. Some of those women ended up dead and kids molested. When a grown man has porn (hidden from the wife) and is sharing that with a fragile young girl, that is beyond sick. You can hire a private detective to check the guy out. But even if he appears clean so far, doesn't mean he won't be a future threat. I think the relationship with your sister can be risked to prevent what could happen to her daughters. Your sister will thank you in the long run.

A relative of mine had a 2 yr old son and met a new guy and immediately got engaged. The whole family had a weird feeling about him but she was completely blinded by love and wouldn't take any of our comments seriously. After 2 weeks of dating, he was calling himself the little boy's daddy and even tattooed the boy's name on his arm. We hired a detective and found that every thing he said was a lie and wasn't who he claimed to be. He wasn't a pedophile [yet] but she left him and was grateful that we did what we did... Kids are precious and not to be taken advantage of. Your 12 yr old niece is safe with her father, but the 8 yr old and 5 yr old are the ones you should be worried about. They may have seen things too and just been afraid to say. That stuff will scar them for life.

Kerrin - posted on 10/04/2011

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Hi Angela, you did the right thing, good on you xox. The safety and innocence of those children is the most important thing in the world. They've already been through enough. Wishing you and your sister the best in this. God bless, Kerrin

Catherine - posted on 10/04/2011

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How sad for these children! Any woman who believes a MAN over their children needs some serious help! I would sugest she gets some counseling to understand why she is so insecure that she would look the other way. I would demand some answers and get to the bottom of it. Your niece also needs counseling whether or not it happened, she is hurting and reaching out for a reason. If my husband showed a child porn, I would kick his ass to the curb in less than 2 seconds. WTH, is wrong with people!

Jess - posted on 10/04/2011

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All Children need to be taught at an early age what kind of touch is inappropriate!
& what to do if someone tries... even try to role play with your child (not the pedophile part) just stranger/relative danger... how to get away from a would-be threat,
& who to call...
kids need to know phone numbers!!! They need to know who they CAN trust to talk to in the family. and that no matter what the would be pedophile tells them, ITS NOT THEIR FAULT and they ARE NOT in trouble... my sister was molested very young... and I made sure my kids know you cant trust all grown ups... & what a safety plan is and how and when to use it!

Iysha - posted on 10/04/2011

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I lived with a CONVICTED sex offender for almost 4 years. Had a baby with him and didnt even know about his offenses until our daughter was 11 months. He had told me the girl was 16, then 3 months before we broke up, he had said she was 14. Turns out, she was 12 when he was 19. I didnt see how bad it was until I heard it from his ex girlfriend of all people. she was able to give me details on his behavior when she lived with him both regarding his offenses and how he treated her. It's very hard to hear the truth when the truth is so unsettling but your sister has to hear what you have to say. You have to tell her regardless of how it makes her feel. Tell her what you know, sit down with her daughter and her and tell her daughter that she needs to tell the truth. That bad things can happen if she lies (other children being harmed/the stepfather being wrongly accused). Explain the importance of if he did do what she said, that he take responsibility. Sit down and have a serious discussion with them. Your sister can decide what she believes. once you have spoken your piece, you did your share.

Louveda - posted on 10/04/2011

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I was wondering the same thing Bonnie. I would think her husband would be her "carer". Angela, did you mean to type MS?

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In my line of work, I am a mandated reporter. Based on the information you shared, if I were in your position I would lose my license and potentially serve time if something happened to either of the girls. I know you aren't a mandated reporter and that this is your sister but even if it was my sister I would be bound by the legal and ethical standards of my profession. All this to say - what you think/perceive is absolutely enough to go to someone else, a third party.... have you thought about calling CPS and having them do an investigation? Maybe your sister would never have to know that it is you that called. I understand the potential effects on you guys relationally but it's not going to be worse than what would happen if you confront her anyways, right? In the end, all that matters is the kids and hopefully your sister would come around to realizing it's because you love them and her.

Louveda - posted on 10/04/2011

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Watching porn is not a crime. Showing it to a child is. She could have known he was watching porn because it's in the history...who knows. If you truly believe this person is a danger to your sisters children then you need to tell her. What does the children's father say about the subject? Maybe a solution would be for ALL the children to live with the father. I would think that he would have stepped in the first time & taken custody of the children. I'm assuming he was involved in the reporting of the first incident?

Linda - posted on 10/04/2011

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I will never understand or comprehend ANY parent not making sure that their kids (for the most part) get along with any new parent figure in their lives BEFORE they marry someone new. Yes it is not easy to be alone and yes a lot of kids don't get along with step parents, but My Kids Come First, and if there is bad blood between the person a parent is dating and the children, than it is certainly best to NOT marry the new person, you can date, spend time with them or whatever, but wait until the kids are bigger and if the relationship is meant to be, it will last until the time is right for marriage. Your kids did NOT ask to be brought into this world and subjecting them to totally miserable living conditions is NOT ok. You HAVE TO PUT THE KIDS FIRST IN MANY SITUATIONS, not that they should run your life, but subjecting them to YOUR choice for a partner is not always the right thing... they don't have to like the new person, and if the new person is a good 'guy' they can build a relationship with the kids OVER TIME and see how it goes.

Angela - posted on 10/04/2011

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well I sat my sister down earlier today and told her. She was upset but she listened to everything I had to say and she has agreed that if you examine the situation closely it looks as though my niece is telling the truth. She is going to speak to her daughter face to face and make it clear that she isn't angry or upset with her, she just wants to hear what happened from my niece's own mouth. Then she will decided where to go from there.
Social services are aware of the situation as there is no real evidence and my niece changed her story (she says to protect her mother's feelings) they will not be doing anything. My sister does not want to end her marriage but she has said that if her daughter is sticking to her story then she won't have any choice, she can't take the risk. I tried to let her know that I really didn't want to hurt her but I didn't feel I had choice.
It is not easy for her, she is desperately in love with this man and feels that she cannot manage on her own because of her illness. She feels like she knows him and that he would never do anything like that but there is too much evidence to say that he did it. Though this is not evidence that could be used in law. My niece's behaviour has changed in the last year. She became argumentative and disrespectful but only towards the husband, no one else. She has become more withdrawn and wrote down on paper that she didn't deserve to live. Then she went to her father's house and refused to come back, she wouldn't give a reason why. When I put these things together there in front of my sister we both agreed that these are signs that cannot be ignored. I hope she will make the decision to ask her husband to leave but I can understand she needs a bit of time to come to terms with what has happened

Ruth - posted on 10/04/2011

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These kind of people are the same ones you sit beside in church or play golf with. You think they are pillars of the community until you find out that they are pedophiles. The Bind, Torture and Kill man was a scout leader. Ted Bundy was a pillar of the community. Of course, some children do lie about what happens but she did know that he had been watching porn. I caught a great guy looking at porn once and was furious with him. He promised never to do it again but did anyway because I caught him at it. Just keep in the corner of your mind that he does this. If your sister won't believe her daughter she needs someone to turn to if she is telling the truth. Let the youngster know she can always come to you.

MICHELLE - posted on 10/04/2011

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I would bring up the fact that she has other children at risk and if that doesnt open her eyes then maybe she shouldnt have any of the children!

[deleted account]

Personally I think you should report him to social services. This isnt about your sister and her feelings this is about her innocent children. Surely the childrens father if he believes his own daughter would be more concerned about his other children too?

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