HOW DO I TELL MY SON HIS DAD DOESN'T LOVE HIM

MARILU - posted on 09/26/2013 ( 43 moms have responded )

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I AM IN A BIG DILEMMA, I DON'T KNOW TO EXPLAIN TO MY SON THAT HIS DAD ITS GIVING UP HIS RIGHTS BECAUSE HE DOES NOT WANT TO PAY ANYMORE CHILD SUPPORT AND HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE PART OF HIS LIFE.

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Queen Of My - posted on 10/01/2013

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I feel like you should NEVER say those words. Making a child feel unloved is never going to do anything positive for him. If it were me, I would tell my child that Daddy couldn't come around anymore because he is sick. As he gets older and can understand mental illness more I would explain it like that. The inability to love your own child has to be liked to some sort of mental illness. Answer questions compassionately but without too much detail. Never put down his father, your child has a right to love his father (even if it's not reciprocated).

User - posted on 10/02/2013

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Let him form his own opinion of his father. That will be a painful thing for you to do, but you cannot let your anger and abandonment issues muddle his own. Both of you have been abandoned, but you must not use that as an opportunity to hurt your son more. He'll figure out the truth in his own time. Do not emphasize his abandonment. This doesn't mean you have to lie to him and tell him everything is all right. You'll have to walk in wisdom and discretion when speaking about your son's father. Your son will learn a lot about women/men/relationships by how you navigate your situation. Seek help and healing so that you can love him from a place of peace.

Fanoodles73 - posted on 09/27/2013

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I had to live with my grandma when I was little, because my parents were...uh...not around for a time. My grandma always told me "your mom isn't well, she is sick right now" we knew my grandma meant that my mom was "mentally" or "emotionally" sick not physically. This helped me to have compassion on my mom even though she wasn't around, while still facing reality. My grandma also let us know how much she loved us and told us she was our second mom, that's why she was called a grand "ma". This gave me comfort for some reason. So, if I have any advice it's that...just giving your child A LOT of extra love and understanding will probably be the best. And if he asks, don't lie to him about it because that can be scarring too, but you don't have to give him the painful details either. You will know what to do. you are the mama. Just listen to your intuition. Every child is different, so your response will have to be very carefully based on his particular needs.

Diana - posted on 09/26/2013

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There is no need to explain. My mother never said a bad word about my father. He did, in volumes, by his word & deed. He readily admitted that he was a horrible father & never should have had children, period. I knew that already based on his actions & his lack of involvement in my life. He was never interested in what I was doing or how I was doing. He was manipulative and insulting most of the time. Again, this was the opinion I came to on my own, because of my father's own actions.

I was fortunate to have a very involved grandfather, who gave me a great role model to work from in terms of what a father SHOULD be.

Again, you don't need to explain anything. Your child knows with you having a specific talk about it. It comes from how the father behaves w/his kids. Mine was horrible to me & to my sister, although less so. That never changed.

Whitney - posted on 10/02/2013

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I do not think it is ever wise to tell your child that his dad doesn't love him... under no circumstances. I mean, on the one hand, you don't want to hide things from him and be hypocritical, because eventually, he is going to have questions about his father's whereabouts, and why his dad is not around etc., but on the next hand, he might end up with a low self esteem, and feel super awful when other kids talk about their dads and the things they do together, etc.

I know because when I was younger, I always had the illusion that my dad loved me, (he never has lived with me, and left my mother when I was 2), but once when I saw him, he told me himself that I am not his... I ended up hating him- even myself for it for years! Until eventually, I got through it.

For now, just try to be the best mother you can, and try not to make him feel guilty for his father's absence.

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Sudipta - posted on 12/13/2013

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DEar , I am on the same boat...My husband also told me same on 23rd nov 2013 and he is living with his mom. Since then he didnt even checked back how is my son who is suffering from cold and severe ear infection from 20th NOv.

Whitney - posted on 10/14/2013

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Hi Stacy, I am not saying that she needs to tell him. I mentioned that in my very first comment on this status.

User - posted on 10/04/2013

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@ Whitney, if my hubby were to say he doesnt love my son, I would never tell my son those words. If he were to not be in the picture anymore I would tell him that he is living somewhere else and isnt going to be around (in more gentle terms) But knowing how I would take it if I were young, I would feel like he didnt love me because he didnt want to see me. So I would be forming that opinion on my own. But if my child were to tell me that, I would keep him from thinking along those lines. I would gear him more towards, his dad is in need of prayer, he made a choice, and he just hasnt realized what he has done. But ensuring my son knows it is not his fault and that he isnt one to love, because he is amazing no matter what.

Theresa - posted on 10/03/2013

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My ex and I have 4 children together. They are 30, 28, 22 and 16. He drove drunk with my youngest in the car, in a ditch in 2010. After lying about no passengers, after dealing with court( civil and criminal charges) and after she wrote a poem telling him, sarcastically, next time she would be killed.... he hardly ever sees her. We sold our house 8 mos ago and saw her twice. Your son doesn't need to be told that. He already formed his own opinion and you just need to keep loving and supporting him like I do my daughter. Good luck!

User - posted on 10/03/2013

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Don't tell your son that his father don't love him but tell his father that how much his son loves him, how desperate he is for his father's, how much he care for his father,tell your husband to bring him in your son's place and feel the same pain he would feel if his parents would have done this with him....

Kandice - posted on 10/03/2013

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Never tell a child their parent doesn't love them. Even if they don't. I have similar situations with my daughters father. He just dropped out of their lives, do not pay support. I tell them I am sure he loves them in his own way, but it's not the right way. I tell them I do not believe he understands what love is, then I tell them what love IS and show them, just in daily life. The children will figure it out as time goes on. ALways let them know it's not their fault, they are not damaged bc of their father. He's the one missing out on a great person.

Whitney - posted on 10/02/2013

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Well to hell with him then. You were the one who bore your son. You raised him to where he is now. You were the one who bore all the pain and the sleepless nights- the whole nine yards. If he does not want to be a part of your son's life, then there is absolutely nothing you can do to change that. Love your son, love him with all of you... As for telling him, he probably does not need to know that. At least not at his age... And even when he gets older and starts getting curious, you will grow enough courage, strength and vocab as to how to say what you have wanted to say...

Loads of love sweetie! Good luck! :)

Whitney - posted on 10/02/2013

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Hi Stacy and Marilu, I wanted to know if he directly told you that he doesn't love his son?

User - posted on 10/02/2013

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I dont think you should per say that he doesnt love him, but I wouldnt fabricate the story either. It will be a very difficult conversation, you already know. I wouldnt say too much into it and not let your emotions get in the way and put any negative towards him. No matter what he has done to your family, you have to be the bigger person. Just give him time to ask questions and answer them with truth, but make sure its age appropriate. follow your heart

Patricia - posted on 10/02/2013

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Hi, Marilu....There is no way to tell your son such hurting things at this age, You must protect your sons young vital heart,Telling your child this might create a wound beyond repair, boys carry their pain longer (resentment) who knows how this may affect him in the years to come and in what way.. The price might be more than what you was willing to pay. Your son might brush it off like a tough kid but remember tough kids hurt to. This is between 2 adults . when your son is old enough to understand I believe your son will think later. Hope i was a help.

Jenna - posted on 10/01/2013

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@Coral: Please hug your little boy tightly and give him lots of kisses and tell him how much you love him. I hope some day he can forget the words "his father has nothing to do with him and doesnt want to" -- those are words a child should never hear. I'm so sorry.

Coral - posted on 10/01/2013

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i had the same thing with my then 4 year old son hes now 5 he knows he has a father not a dad and that his father does not want anything to do with him u have to be open about it dont hide it from them my now 5 year old openly say it to his friend i only have a father not a dad and tells them his father has nothing to do with him and doesnt want to

Cecilia - posted on 09/30/2013

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Carol telling him daddy will be there soon or even one day is a lie. What happens if this child thinks his dad is coming back and then mom begins to date? He will hate the new guy because he is in his father's place. You tell them the truth the best you know it, saying I don't know is reasonable.

Diana, exactly you let them make their own conclusion. Don't put yourself in the middle of it as the mother.

Diana - posted on 09/30/2013

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While I agree about not telling the child their father doesn't love them. The father is saying it to the child already in his actions. He isn't putting his child first, he is putting his own interests first with no regard for the child. I guarantee you that the child gets the message loud & clear, whether someone else says the words or not. As I said before, my mother never said that my father didn't care or was a lousy father. She didn't have to--he did it all on his own by not taking any interest in my life whatsoever. That applied to me as a child & as an adult. What he DID say were hurtful, mean things about how unloveable I was. Thankfully, I had a lot of supportive family around me who tried to compensate for his shortcomings. But his actions & comments still hurt. When he died I cried, which my mother pointed out was because "in your heart of hearts you always wanted him to change". True. Also true, he never changed. I also never needed a third party to tell me he was a selfish, short sighted fool who's loss was chosing NOT to know me.

Carol Ashlee - posted on 09/30/2013

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You should tell your son that his dad is a little busy right now and can't see him and if he asks why say its an adult thing babe but daddy will be busy for a long time sweetie daddy is gonna be with us soon





Just tell him

Dove - posted on 09/30/2013

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All you should need to do is tell your son that his dad can't see him right now and that you don't know why (because unless you are a mind reader, you DON'T know why). You never blow off your child's questions, but you answer them as simply as possible w/ the truth w/out putting down his father. Then you fill his life w/ other activities and positive role models (specifically male ones) to negate the void of his father as much as possible.

Cecilia - posted on 09/30/2013

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Do you really believe all children are put up for adoption as babies and always for noble reasons? Yet a mother can still choose to give up their 9 year old. That does not give a foster parent to say "your mother doesn't love you." Of course that would be wrong. You can't speak of the mother that way right?

Jenna - posted on 09/30/2013

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Do not tell your child any of this!!! Absolutely never say that his father doesn't love him. It will traumatize and crush him. Are you kidding me? Think of the child first and foremost here, not your revenge or hurt feelings.

Tell your child something like "your father cannot come see you". When the child asks why father can't come see him, you just say I don't know why (which is true, you do not know the actual reasons in the man's head), but he cannot. And then offer to do something special with the child, and hug him and kiss him tight. Let him talk about how he wishes dad would come play with him, etc. but do not say anything bad about his father to him, other than he cannot come to see you.

The child will know when he gets older, and you can talk to him then more about his father's actual actions. But now you should never ever tell your child that his father doesn't love him!!!!! His father may actually love him, you never know -- you are putting your own feelings into this, and it will just hurt your child so deeply.

TA - posted on 09/30/2013

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I don't disagree that it's a person's choice, but the choice should not be made without a lot of forethought since it is going to hurt the child deeply. This is not an infant being given up at birth for noble reasons, i.e. the parents can't care for the child and want him to have a better life. This child knows his father - the mom said he asks for his father - so walking away from the child at this point in time is going to feel like total rejection to the boy. It's very sad to contemplate.

[deleted account]

This is really hard. I'm so sorry to hear it. I wrote a post recently about answering our kids' hard questions. I've had many conversations with my kids about the divorce, and while it's hard, you can help them through it, with honesty. I hope this helps!
Hugs,
Lisa
http://www.susannasapron.com/2013/09/thr...

Diana - posted on 09/29/2013

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It is obviously not about the kids for him, but a way to manipulate you. This isn't about love or the kids, it is about him & his 'stuff'. The same way people think that child support is tied to visitation. It isn't. They are two very different issues. My father paid no more than two months of child support, but he also didn't see me for yrs, then when he did he thought that he automatically should be listened to. I didn't see it that way. What always bothered him was when I told him what I was doing. He only called to have my mother yell at him so he would have an excuse to drink. He stopped calling all together, until shortly before his death, because I always spent five minutes (when he did call) telling him about my life, THEN let my mother yell at him. He would just turn to the bartender & say "my ex-wife yelled at me, pour another..." While he couldn't drink away not being part of my life.

The only thing I can see as a benefit for you or your kid(s) w/the father going to counseling is that you just might have a couselor in the kids' corner, in terms of their biological father not being a part of their lives. A professional third party in court might be a good thing.

Crystal - posted on 09/29/2013

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We are going through something similar but my son has put up his own walls convincing himself his dad is dead the therapist said leave it alone it's his way of not getting hurt

Cecilia - posted on 09/29/2013

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Ta, It's a person's choice to give up their child. If a woman can do it in the case of adoption then why can't a man do the same? In both cases, you need the other parent to agree.

I have personally asked my children's father to sign them over to me. He refuses. I don't know why. He hasn't seen them in 13 years, called 3 times in that time. He gets mad about the $50 a month child support. Why not just give them to me? My husband would like to adopt them but isn't able to until he does the right thing for them.

Diana - posted on 09/29/2013

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If the father wants to give up rights that he doesn't choose to exercise, then why does he need counseling? It is much more detrimental to the child to be forced (ordered by the court) to spend time with someone who isn't going to be supportive of the child. Kids know that someone resents their presence. They also know when someone doesn't love or even care about them. It isn't good for either the father (or the mother) or the child to be forced together just because of biology. Sometimes it is better to have one loving parent, than having one who resents your existence & doesn't want to share space or time w/their child. Being a parent is much more than biological connection.

I knew, before I was 10 yrs old, that my father was a jerk. That was long before he admitted to me that he was a crappy father. Duh, I figured that out when he never even attempted to make a phone call in 10 yrs! It was only confirmed when I saw him & he repeatedly failed me (& my mother) in every way. Frankly, I was MUCH better off with my mother, grandmother & grandfather--as well as uncles, cousins & other extended family than I was with any amount of time w/him. Biology also didn't make his mother (my paternal grandmother) a good parent. That apple didn't fall far from the tree.

TA - posted on 09/29/2013

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I don't know how these things work, but I would hope a judge would require a person to have some counseling prior to giving up parental rights.

If the child is old enough to know who his father is and they have a relationship, I don't even see how that can be an option. It is incredibly harmful to the child and should not be allowed.

Whatever needs to be done to keep this from happening needs to be done. Please seek advice from social services, legal aid, and whoever else you can, to find a way to resolve this.

I would never, ever tell a child that the parent does not love him, even if I believed that to be true. My husband's biological father refused to have anything to do with him from birth, questioned paternity, etc. The guy was just a selfish, loser jerk. That's not anything a kid can understand, though; it's hard even for an adult. The only thing I would say to the child is "Your dad has problems - he's got wrong thoughts in his head and he's made bad choices. None of that is about you." If the father goes through with this, I strongly recommend getting some professional counseling for the boy to help him deal with things. He is going to have a hard time understanding it. I hope and pray things work out and the father comes to his senses.

Renata - posted on 09/26/2013

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Don't! You'll break his heart and will cause emotional issues in his adulthood. When he grows up he will figure it out for himself, until then protect his heart!

MARILU - posted on 09/26/2013

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I WILL NOT TELL HIM THAT HIS DAD DOES NOT LOVE HIM, JUST NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY WHEN MY SON ASK ME WHY IS HIS DAD NOT WANTING TO BE AROUND. I DON'T WANT TO BREAK MY BABIES HEART.

Cecilia - posted on 09/26/2013

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I do believe if he gives up his rights he will not be ordered to pay child support. That depends on the state's laws on the matter. I do know in NY and in PA they would not need to pay if they sign over their rights. That being said, in both states the mother must also sign the paperwork.

Although, none of this matters when it comes to telling your child his father doesn't love him. There are women who love their children and put them up for adoption. (hence give up their parental rights to the child)

MARILU - posted on 09/26/2013

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HE DOES ASK FOR HIS DAD, HIS DAD ITS AROUND RIGHT NOW, JUST BECAUSE I ASKED FOR A REVIEW ON THE CHILD SUPPORT FROM 7 YEARS AGO. TJ'S DAD GOT SUPER UPSET AT THE FACT THAT I ASKED FOR A REVIEW AND THINKS HE IS HURTING ME BY SEEING HIS SON ( HOW IGNORANT?! ), HE ACTUALLY TOLD ME HE IS WILLING TO GIVE UP HIS RIGHTS ON HIS OWN, HE THINKS HE DOESN'T NEED TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT IF HE DOESN'T HAVE FULL CUSTODY TO HIS CHILD.

Cecilia - posted on 09/26/2013

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Well truth be told, you never know how the father feels.You only see how he acts. In giving up his rights maybe he thinks he's doing what is best for the child.

In the future, what happens if your child is 18 and finds his father? What if he does end up having a great relationship with the father? What if he remembers all the hateful things you said about the father that he loves?

I'll answer those for you, you end up being the bad guy. You're the one who kept his father from him ( even if that isn't true) You will put yourself in the middle. You do not want to be in that spot where your child has to choose between you and their father, nor do you want your child in the middle of choosing.

I have "fatherless" teens. They have learned on their own that their father is not interested in being in their lives. They reached out to him and tried to form a relationship. He didn't care to have one. I knew by allowing them to make contact they would be hurt. I also told them, it's okay because the truth is nothing changed. I'm still here. They have the same amount of love they always had. They don't need him to be happy and they didn't the last 16-12 years.(depending on the child in question)

Basically when the time comes, he will figure it out for himself how he wants to see his father.

Jodi - posted on 09/26/2013

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You never tell a child their parent doesn't love them. You don't need to tell your child any of the details. Something as simple as "he wasn't ready to be a daddy right now" is enough.

Cecilia - posted on 09/26/2013

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I would not tell him. Even if he asks about his dad just say "that he isn't around right now and maybe one day he will be. All you know is that you love him and you'll always be there for him"

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/26/2013

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You do not tell your son under any circumstances that his father does not love him. That his father is giving up parental rights. You answer questions your son has as they come. In order for the father to give up his rights, don't you have to agree also? I don't know the process.

Rachel - posted on 09/26/2013

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Has your son asked questions about it? Or do you feel like you need to tell him just because?
If he hasn't asked, I wouldn't say anything.
If he does ask, just tell him some people weren't meant to be parents and that it's okay if he doesn't want to be in his life because you are and you love him enough for both parents.

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