how do i tell my son that his father chose to be with someone else and her kids?

Jessica - posted on 02/16/2012 ( 14 moms have responded )

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my fiance left me on valentines day for someone else and her kids, i have tried to get a hold of him but he does not answer,,, my son sits by the window and asks me "mommy, daddy coming?" what can i do i have tried a few things already but nothing is working, seeing this is breaking my heart even more

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[deleted account]

Tell him the truth, "Daddy had to go away for awhile. No, I'm not sure when he'll be back."



Is itnecessary to go any further.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/16/2012

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I am so sorry to hear that Jessica. How awful.



As far as your son is concerned, be as vague as possible. I know you are mad and hurt right now, but you do not want to damage the relationship between father and son. I know I know...that sounds totally unfair. But you do not want to get your son involved in adult conflict. Hopefully his dad steps up to the plate and calls soon.

Amy - posted on 02/16/2012

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Since you haven't spoken to him I would just say you don't know where he is and you don't know if he's coming back. Your son does not need to know anything about leaving to be with someone else.

[deleted account]

Honesty is good, but w/ vagueness and age appropriateness. My girls were 6 and their brother was about to be born when my ex made the decision to leave us for another woman and her kids (and yes, he left US...even though he 'says' he just left me... the past 4 years have spoken for themselves). He told the girls he was leaving, but neither of us have ever said the words to them that he was leaving for another woman. They figured that out on their own w/ time.



It's rough when my son (almost 4 now) asks questions cuz it's a hard concept for him to grasp that Daddy used to live here when his sisters were little cuz even though he knows Daddy and has visited him... he's never lived w/ his Daddy. I am as honest and vague w/ him as I possibly can be. I have no doubt that as he gets older he will realize the timing of when his father left and the fact that my ex went on to have another baby w/ the woman that he DOES live w/ will have some effect on my son. I'm certainly not going to be the one to initiate that effect though. My job is to raise and protect him the best I can regardless of what his father does or doesn't do.



Good luck and I'm sorry you're going through this! It's a rough place to be.

Amanda - posted on 02/18/2012

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You Dont! My god whatever you do dont tell the boy that his father left to be with other kids that will mess his head for life no matter what age he is - no matter how you feel how hurt you are never ever ever go down the daddy loves someone else or daddy wants to be with them road EVER you dont understand the psychological implications this will have on him I know its not fair but never be negative to the child about his father no matter how negative the mans actions are or were I wouldnt even get into the daddy doesnt love mommy issue I have seen all of these tacts mess up even older children they dont need to hear any of it when they are full fledged adults maybe but never as children what he needs right now is extra mommy lovin distract him from him father being away tell him you dont know when daddys coming home but thats it DO NOT go into any kind of detail it is unessisary and starting into it could lead to slips of your tongue you never ever want to tell him that truth because a childs mind will with or without negativity that may come from you warp that into not being loved by his father and while this may be what it feels like to you or even the truth you do not want to do that to your child keep him happy that is your primary responsiblilty no matter how much it hurts it will ease your boys pain and make everything easier in the long run

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Sara - posted on 02/19/2012

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hey, unfortunately i have been in the same situation, my ex left almost 3yrs ago now, when my daughter was almost 3 and my son was just over 4, he left and thought he could keep walking back into the kids lives whenever he pleased, wouldnt hear anything from him for weeks and then he would just show up then disappear etc, it hit my son hard and he was very very confused, he believed it was something he had done wrong that had made daddy go and not come back! very very sad and heartbreaking, we were seen by (and still are involved with) different professionals and i was told that i must be honest with my kids and tell them, daddy had gone, and that he would not be coming back (at this stage there was a new gf) and i had to say that he didnt love mummy anymore and mummy didnt love him anymore but that daddy would always love the kids and also state very strongly and keep reassuring them that it was nothing to do with them why he went! he has now gone on to get married and have another baby and however heartbreaking it is i now have to sit down and tell them he has another child and then answer the question why he didnt want them but now wants his other child :-/ so i agree with lady who said be honest with the child, but put it in child friendly terms hun.......however sad it is, do you really want a man walking in and out of your sons life whenever he pleases?? if he cant be bothered to answer his phone now what gives him the right in weeks/months or even years to just walk right back into his life?!! For all this man knows you could be trying to contact him due to something bad has happened and it seems to me as he dont give 2 hoots! Goodluck with it all, it is not an easy ride, but my kids can finally speak about their dad, after almost 3 yrs of not seeing or hearing from him, without being angry/ confused and sad, it does get easier!! xxx

Rosemary - posted on 02/18/2012

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Believe it or not, it is worse when you dont have an answer to your son's question. I have been there. it seemed as though we were an outcast. But the moment I told myself to hell with dad and confided in my son that dad is gone to be with some other kids and that I am going to get you a better dad, we moved on. What to do, love your son, pay extra attention to him and then splash on him time, money and attention, he will sooner than you think forget dad and his nuisance values.

Engage yourself in more creative activities and you will see him come running back. Men are always the losers and they don't like it when you shift your attention off them. They will always come running back to if anything get your attention again.

Kim - posted on 02/18/2012

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The child's feelings always come first

Even if you have any to make his father look like a good guy. He's 2, do not tell him he left him for another family. All he needs to know is that he is gone and you don't know when he will be back. A 2 year old's sense of time is different so even if he comes back tomorrow it will seem like a long time to him. Right now your only concern is being there for him. At this age he needs security and a good solid routine so he has something hehe can depend on and feel secure and loved unconditionally by you. Make sure he spends time with others that love him as well. Grandparents,Uncles....emotionally the first 5 years of a child life is most important. Again, don't worry about telling him the why's just be a strong constant loving parent.

Laura - posted on 02/18/2012

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Telling your son that daddy left to live with another mommy and her kids is setting him up for a life of insecurity and hurt!!! Explain to him that sometimes daddies don't love mommies like they should and that it is not his fault. Ultimately this is between you and your fiance and hopefully he is a good enough person to not let his son suffer. If you can leave him a message saying that he shouldn't punish his son just because he doesn't love you anymore, and make arrangements for him to see the boy.

I know it is hard to see through the pain and hurt, but you can't let this precious baby think in any way that this may be his fault.

Of course if your ex is a real jerk (obviously he is, but I mean a really really BIG jerk) and still refuses to see your son, well then you just need to love your baby as much as you can, give him only a little info- "daddy is gone away for a while"-and wait until he is old enough to understand a little better before you give him the big story.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Be strong for yourself and your son. Lean on your support system and keep your head up.

Pamela - posted on 02/17/2012

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Explain to your child that Daddy is not going to come back to live with you anymore. You didn't say his age, but from your message he sounds to be a toddler or at least a pre-schooler.



The truth is best!!! It may be difficult for him to grasp but tell him that Daddy has decided not to live with the two of you anymore because he has decided to live with another Mommy and her children. It will probably be harder on you than him because you are the one who is feeling cheated.



Get some healing for yourself. I suggest that you go to www.embracetheemergingyou.com and look for hrealing techniques there. You can also check out www.breakupsolutionsummit.com. That website has particulars of how to deal with and heal from a break up!



The highest and Best be to you and your son. Don't hang on to the past...move forward with confidence and healing!

Love to you as you triumph over this challenge!

Jenni - posted on 02/16/2012

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And in all honesty, this should be something his father explains to him. Age appropriately of course. I think 2 is far too young to go into the details. But as he gets older, it was his father's decision, so it's his father who should have to explain his decision to him.

Jenni - posted on 02/16/2012

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He's far too young to understand adult issues like this. And telling him daddy has left us for another family may translate to a 2 year old as daddy isn't coming to see me ever, or daddy doesn't love me, he loves his new family. Bad all around. I know you're really hurt right now but the truth is you don't know at this point what your ex-fiance is planning for your/his son. He may just be letting the dust settle. So the last thing you want to do is infringe on his son's relationship with him. Just tell him the truth right now. "Mommy doesn't know."



It is heartbreaking. I'm truly sorry for you and your son to have to go through this.

Jenni - posted on 02/16/2012

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I agree with Amy, you don't know what's going on exactly either because he hasn't spoken to you. So you'd be telling your son the truth by saying you really don't know or understand what daddy is doing or when daddy's coming to see him.



How old is your son?

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