How do you change your mind about wanting another baby?

Heather - posted on 02/19/2012 ( 35 moms have responded )




My youngest will turn one in two weeks and I want another babywhich would put us at four children. My husband has told me no he doesn't want anymore. How do you change his mind or how do I change my mind when I feel in my heart my family won't be complete until we add one more to our family.


Pamela - posted on 02/20/2012




First you need to look at WHY it is you feel the family wouldn't be complete without a 4th child. Is it idle longing on your part? Is it because your family had 4 children? Often times our longings are based on purely emotional desires and have no base in reality.

Have you and your husband sat down at a quiet time (children in bed, etc.) and discussed it thoroughly? If not, why not? If he is firm about his NO, why?

Be very careful about your longings especially if it could cause a rift in the family. Not discussing such things before marriage can lead to situations like this. Unfortunately few of us do discuss things thoroughly before marriage and as a result these kinds of situations can cause a breakup.

Please consider the needs and wants of all in the family, not just yourself. Perhaps you are feeling insecure in some way and feel that another child would be the answer. If so, Why?

May you arrive at a solution that all can be happy with and that will not cause an emotional or otherwise strain on anyone. Blessings be to you all!

Devon - posted on 02/20/2012





You have three lovely children & I'm assuming

A lovely husband... News flash..!!! Your family

Is complete...!

Kate CP - posted on 02/19/2012




*chuckles* This sounds like me and my husband. Before we got married we agreed that two kids would be our limit. And now...I want a third. I don't know why, but I do. And my husband is adamant that we can't have a third. And in a way, he's right that we shouldn't plan to have a third and should try to NOT have a third child. We're living comfortably now but a third child would REALLY strap us. That, and we wouldn't have any room for the baby.

I can't change his mind and I can't change my mind. It's not a matter of changing's a matter of accepting reality. Sad...yes. But, that's just how it has to be for me.

[deleted account]

Perhaps he really doesn't want another one. Why not just focus on the 3 you have? Why do you want another one? What about the 4th will make you a more complete family than you are?

Amy - posted on 02/19/2012




Kate it sounds like we're in the same boat! Lol, my daughter is turning two and I really have the desire for one more but my husband is against it. We don't really have the space, and financially we would be ok not great. I can't make my desire go away and on days when the kids are being really bad I jokingly will ask why he doesn't want just 1 more, but I respect him enough to respect his point of view and not push it. Maybe he'll change his mind but probably not so I'll make the best of it with the 2 I do have!

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Danielle - posted on 05/27/2013




Heather, I agree with you, and sadly (for me, as i've seen that you are expecting very soon!) I am in the same situation. My husband and I have three beautiful children, 2 boys and a girl (9, 7 & 6). I long for another child, every time I look at my children I feel like someone is missing (that is the best way to explain it). However, my husband does not agree. I know that he is trying to consider it because he sees how much I want this, but who wins in this situation?? we've hit a wall. We are great parents, our children are very loved and well cared for and we spend every free moment we have with them. I am a stay at home mom attending school at the moment (while my children are in school). This family has a lot of love to give, and I can't just 'change my mind'.

Heather - posted on 01/31/2013




Heather yes we are now pregnant with baby boy number 4. I am due in early June. I don't know that I swayed him per say because this was not something we set out to try for like we did with our other boys it just happened and we are are both excited by it now. I am so sorry that you have gone through such terrible loss I can imagine that having another healthy baby would help heal those wounds. Good luck to you.

Heather - posted on 01/31/2013




From one Heather to another...I can relate! We have 3 boys, also, and midterm I have lost a girl, then a boy. I, too, have the feeling that there is one more baby "waiting" for us and we are not complete without him or her! Of course, part of me wonders what it would be like to have a girl and I do yearn for that, but don't mind if it is another boy because my boys are all so different and so precious. :-) I try to explain how this would bring closure to me and really help with the scars of losing my children, whom I delivered and held, giving me hope that maybe I can have another girl and use the clothes I have put away in a drawer. I'd like to go through this wonderful journey one more time and cherish the last "firsts" etc..and THEN I'd be able to stop hoarding their clothes and stuff-haha! He wasn't very emotionally supportive when we lost our 2nd and 4th children and I know it affects men differently, so how can I make my needs clear? I have prayed about this for a year and thought maybe I was good, but have such a strong desire for this last baby that I am going crazy! Time is of the essence, now, as I am "older" even though I never had trouble getting pregnant. The last time was 3 years ago, too, plus mother nature....Curious to see, Heather, did you ever sway YOUR husband? This post is a year old, so just wondering....

Whitney - posted on 05/10/2012





Kristy - posted on 02/24/2012




Have a heart to heart with your man. I always wanted 3 and after i had my first i said 4! we then had another baby and had a pigeon pair. My man was so happy with two but i still wanted one more. He was adamant that two was it but then one day we were having a chat while doing the dishes and i told him why i wanted one more and how much i wanted another baby. He said ok and six months later he suprised me out of the blue at my sisters by telling me it was time to get busy as he wants one more baby. Now i am 33 weeks pregnant with our third and final baby. I know just how lucky i am to have a very understanding partner who took my feelings in to consideration but maybe just try talking about it and every now and then bring it up, i did and apparently persistance, not nagging pays off! Good luck.

[deleted account]


My sister was in this position and chose to get pregnant natal depression hit and she is now single.

My brother in law; is now a single dad of four!!

Bonnie - posted on 02/23/2012




I agree with you Heather. No one should be telling you your family is complete or should be complete and not to be selfish. No one can tell you how many children to have other than you and your husband. If people are happy with two, that is their business and so on. Good luck!!

Heather - posted on 02/22/2012




When I posted this question I was not expecting people to tell me that my family was complete or that I should not want anymore children. I suppose that I should have expected that from people as I am truly blessed with three happy, healthy, beautiful little boys.

Thank you to all of you who have responded and let me know that there are others out there in the same situation with me; I appreciate you telling your stories and for giving insight into your own experiences.

I would like a fourth child because I feel that there is still a part of me missing; some of you will say that that is no reason to have another child. Some parts of me longs for a little girl to dress up in pretty things and braid their hair; I have come to turns with the fact that if indeed I do get the opportunity to carry another child in my womb that it will most likely be another boy and I will love that child as much as my other three boys. With having four children I feel that each one of my boys will have a buddy to rely on; my two older ones are so close that I wish that for my youngest.

I am not going to trick my husband into having another child although I do joke with him about occasionally; I am not that type of person and do not want him to resent me for it.

Thank you to all that have responded; I wish you the best.


♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/22/2012




Well, I don't think Devon's post is rude, I agree with it wholeheartedly. Your family is complete when God decides it is, really.

If you truly want more children, then you'll need to have logical, rational explanations for your reasons, which will also need to be logical and rational. And, his reasons for not wanting another should be logical and rational as well. Truly, if you decided before you married to compromise (I'm not saying that you did, but if he wanted 2 and you wanted 4, then 3's a good compromise), then you shouldn't try to undermine that agreement now.

In our house, we agreed before we got married that we'd have 2 kids. One biological parent per child. That way, if both had activities on the same night, both get a parent involved with them, and none gets stinted in the attention department.

We will never have a child that has "middle child syndrome". No matter how hard a parent tries to avoid that with more than 2 kids, it DOES happen. One kid always feels left out. Not always the same kid, but one kid always feels left out. Speaking from experience there, and my parents were great, even after the divorce, about spending time with us, etc.

I'm not saying don't have more, but by all means, don't do anything "underhanded" to get there. Don't trick him into sex, don't "forget" your birth control, etc. That's not going to be the way to go about this, and will only create potential problems. Again, not that you'd do that, but you'd be amazed at what I've seen some of my friends pull to get pregnant again, against their hubby's wishes.

Whatever decision you make, I wish you the best.

[deleted account]

I wanted 4 or 6 originally. After our second we had a boy and a girl and decided that maybe financially 2 would be best. I had to get to a place where I was happy about that. When I made peace with it, and AFTER my husband's viscetomy was scheduled I found out I was pregnant with our third, a beautiful surprise. I think the main issue is really enjoying what you have and its a process believe me. But it's not worth pushing a wedge between you and your family, depending on your faith praying that God will change your heart or your husbands heart might be the best choice, because if either of you is not happy about the result it will cause long term stress. My neighbor had 2 children, her husband was done she begged for years for another he gave in and now she openly says (infront of her children) that she has to take responsibility for raising their youngest because she is the one that wanted her and she somehow owes her husband for the favor he did by giving her another baby...

Not that you would ever act this way, just saying this is not to be taken lightly.

Another thing that might help is picturing how you would feel if your husband was pressuring you into a pregnancy you were not sure you wanted.

Best of luck :)

Amy - posted on 02/21/2012




Just my 2 cents...I always wanted to have four or more kids, my husband felt that was a lot but figured as long as we can care for & afford them it was fine. When I was pregnant with my son (my 1st & only) I was in a car accident. Thankfully my sweet boy was fine! I had what seemed at the time a somewhat minor injury (esp considering how bad the accident was) after my son was born & more stuuf done on me they found out I had been treated wrong...I ended up (after 3 foot, 1 hip & 2 spine surgeries) finding out that unless they make some major advances in medicine...I can't have any more kids. I am so forever grateful that I have my one son & I truly feel my family is complete. It took a while to come to terms with but because of it, I treasure my son more than ever. At some point we might look at adoption again but given that I could have lost my son in the accident & I can't have me, my son absolutely is a blessing even though I always wanted 4. It really is All about perspective. I hope you truly appreciate the three you have because I can't understand how you can see your family as incomplete. Hope this doesn't come across as rude & sorry so long. Good luck

Carissa - posted on 02/21/2012




I can see by your picture that you have three beutiful boys. Maybe some of the reason is that you think that your family is not complete is that your daughter is out there somewhere waiting. With my husband and I he wanted two and I wanted four. We compromised at three. I had two very lovely girls whom I loved very much but still felt like my son was out there somewhere. When it was time to try for the third I prayed that if it was Gods will for me to have anymore girls before I had my son that they should come at the same time as I was not going to be able to talk him into anymore. Sure enough I got pregnant and delivered boy girl twins. I know it sounds bad to "want" one of a certain sex, but boys and girls are so different. I would not trade my boy or my girls for anything. Ok, they're teens now. On any given day, I might trade them for just about anything. :-) Good luck on your decision. It is best to wait until your husband is on board. Even though, my husband was on board for a third, he held it against me for many years that I got pregnant with twins. Like I could possibly do that on purpose.

Janice - posted on 02/21/2012




I'm glad to read I'm not the only mom in this boat!

I always wanted 3-4 children, hubby always said 1-2. Our second came into our family sooner than expected which has put us in a bad spot financially. I keep holding out that in 4-5 years he will be ready for just 1 more. I just cant imagine never being pregnant again, especially since I was very depressed and couldn't enjoy my recent pregnancy. For me I've just asked my husband that we not make any final decisions on the subject for another 3-4 years. I just hope one of our minds will change by then.

My heart goes out to you Heather. I know it is a tough position to be in.

Nerida - posted on 02/20/2012




Since giving birth to our third child I wanted a fourth, hubby was absolutely against it. I brought it up from time to time, told him how I felt (not having another child would be my greatest regret in life) but reassured him that I understood his position as well. I don't know about your spiritual beliefs but I also prayed that either one of our hearts would be changed. After time, I felt that my family was more complete with 3 kids instead of lacking without 4. In January last year, out of the blue, my husband told me that he thought having a fourth might be kind of nice and asked me what did I think about it. I can't tell you that my answer was a resounding 'YES!', but we are now on the brink of giving birth to baby 4. Give it time, enjoy the family you have and see what the future will bring.

Monica - posted on 02/20/2012




I really want one more too. We each have one from a previous relationship and have a 3 year old son together. The older two are at their other parents 50% of the time. Our son really wants a play mate. When the girls arent here, he gets in to so much stuff cause there is no one to play with. I have tried everything but cannot change my husbands mind! I even bribed him that he could quit his job if he let me have one more. He doesnt want another because he does not want to have to do diaper duty again. I am kind of at a loss too because I do not think I will be complete until I have another. I wish we would have talked about it and agreed before we got married. Let me know if anyone has had any luck convincing their husband to have more!! Good luck

Alexandra - posted on 02/20/2012




If you really want another one, and if after thinking hard about it it is the best for your family financially and emotionally, then keep talking about it over and over. With a lot of discussions you two can come up with some kind of a solution.

Angela - posted on 02/20/2012




I get it... we have our 3rd on the way and I am already thinking about the timing etc of the next one, when my partner and I first got together he wanted 2 and I wanted 5 or 6 through much discussion we have settled on 4.. but I dont know if in my heart our family will be complete until I have had 5.. I guess the only answer is to discuss it thouroughly because as hard as it is to not have that 4th one... it would be just as hard if you had him/her and your husband resented them being there so I guess it comes down to who feels the strongest either way.. good luck!

Aleks - posted on 02/20/2012




@ Kate and @ Amy

I too am in a very similar boat. Although, at the moment, financially the 3rd one would not make a huge impact on us - LUCKY.

We have 2 now, but I want a 3rd. Always thought that 3 kids would be perfect. He was having reservations about having a second one, when we were discussing if we would try when we just had the one child and now he can't figure how he could live without her. But he is adamant that he does not want any more children. He worries about my mental state - I had PND after my first, he worries about me physically - I have a prolapse which could get a lot more worse with and because of another pregnancy. Not to mention he worries about the potential baby cause we are in the "older spectrum" being in late 30s early 40s and with his sister having been pregnant with a downs syndrome - so that is more of a reality for him. He worries about our relationship and the toll another baby can bring on it - like lack of sleep, one-on-one time with eachother, etc etc etc. And he basically inserts any previous problems we have had with the first 2 and projects it on the 3rd (which is unfair to do - 2 babies worth of issues to lump into just 1). And he thinks that he and we may not be able to cope or that its easier not having to face any of this again.

While my heart aches for one more baby :'-(

I have tried (like Jen posting above) to just focus on the 2 beautiful ones I have at the moment.. it does not stop the pining (spell?) for another baby. Its a short distraction.... a band-aid on a unhealing wound.....

@ Devon

I am not sure if you were intending it or not but your post is just down right RUDE.

Kim - posted on 02/20/2012




I would have a heart to heart talk with him about why he doesn't want another baby & explain to him how you feel about it. His reservations may be very valid & may help to change your mind if that's what needs to happen. Otherwise, your explanation to him about how you feel may change his mind. Talk to him! Communication is key! :)

Katy - posted on 02/20/2012




We had decided on two even though I wanted 3. After having our first, we were talking with a financial planner and the planner asked how many kids we were planning on. My husband surprised me by saying three. We have 2 and I'm ready for the third, but he wants to wait a few more months. Our other 2 are 4 and 18 months. He may or may not come around, but bringing it up once in a while is not a bad thing unless he starts getting really annoyed, then I would stop.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/20/2012




I have the opposite issue. My husband wants 2 more and after my last labour (where my bp went 186/203 and I nearly had a stroke) I'm on the fence about it.

Nicole - posted on 02/20/2012




Im in the same boat! I have 1 from my previous marriage, he has 1 from his previous marriage, we have 2 together (4 boys in all!!) We adopted my niece 2 yrs ago ( she was 11) and I say we make it an even 6!! He says no way but I really want 1 more....what to do what to do? !?!

Bonnie - posted on 02/20/2012




It is possible for him to come around. I went through this with my husband. It took about a year and half of bringing it up on and off and us discussing it. He was pretty adament that two was it. Now I am pregnant with our third (and last child) and yes, it was completely 100% planned.

Sarah - posted on 02/19/2012




Sounds like us too. Before we got married, I wanted 4, he wanted 2 so we said we'd compromise at 3. Now that we have 2, he's saying he doesn't want a 3rd. He's right, financially it'd be much easier without another, but my heart still aches for another. It almost feels like a death in a way when I picture not having another one cause I always saw us having 3 (we've been together 11 years). Hopefully I'll be able to change his mind.

Tina - posted on 02/19/2012




I kinda feel like that my youngest is 8 months. We have 2 kids and agreed on having only 2 though part of me kinda wants more. I just remind myself that it means i'm going to be more tired. More money outgoing not just now but later on down the track I want to be able to help my kids out financially even if they are well off the more kids I have the less likely I'll be able to help all of them like with getting married, their first car and their education. I think it's just the fact I get sad that my babies are growing up and I miss that and i miss the closeness of being pregnant. I try to be realistic. And maybe just spend time with other peoples babies. That could go either though lol. You could get your baby fix or make you want one even more.

Medic - posted on 02/19/2012




I think that is something that has to be really decided on before hand. I guess your best bed is talking to him and telling him how you feel and your reasoning and then letting him tell you his and go from there.

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