How do you Co Parent with Someone who has borderline personality disorder and refuses to be consistent with child?

Reagan - posted on 01/19/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )




I am divorced my ex has borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder among probably other undiagnosed this is what is diagnosed . I did have a therapist tell me off the record she feels he leans more toward a sociopath and is a pathological liar.
after a 4 year long separation and 6 months divorced took a couple years to get a divorce because he took off. He still rules our lives and creates disruption. Legally he never wanted visitation so the paperwork says visitation to commence when he desires and sets a schedule. So he refuses to set a schedule and will visit maybe once a month very sparse and always at my home. He will text me about every other day which doesn't help her at all. My issue is my 4 almost 5 year old has a lot of emotional issues from this she cries, has anger/rages used to have night terrors (have stopped) and she talks about him and misses him every day, she draws the same pic everyday of us three with hearts. I feel in a loss what to do. I tell him all the time to be consistent and he refuses he will say he is going to visit and no show no call nothing and she is devastated, I have begged him to stop because she is so hurt by all this. She thinks he is perfect because she doesn't spend time with him she has him on a pedestal She takes her anger out on me and her brother and sister because we are the ones around. There have been periods of 6-8 months where we have heard nothing from him no communication at all. Then he will resurface with some great change he claims to have and do the same thing again and again probably about 5 times now. So we are in another period where he is starting to completely ignoring her again. Still texting me every couple days how he is going to call her or he will see her soon note I have no intimate relationship with him and haven’t for over 3 years. I never initiate a text to him but I do reply. How do I cope and what can I do for her. I mean I can't stand him because he does these things to my child but I have spent all the holidays with him this year it’s the only way she will see him to invite him. I am always helpful to him because it is the only way she will have a dad. By helpful I mean waving 7k in back child support so he doesn’t go to jail. With this behavior he says she will understand when she is older and if I do not basically accommodate his current system she will hate me. How do I handle this person I don’t know what to do anymore. And no I can’t go pay for a lawyer or therapy. Single Mom I did all my own divorce paperwork and represented myself if that tells you anything. Things are better now financially but still.


Elfrieda - posted on 01/19/2013




I wouldn't tell her that her daddy is coming to see her if he often doesn't show. Let it be a happy surprise. (and not a disappointment if he flakes) Don't respond to his texts any more than to arrange a time to meet (if he says 'soon', respond 'let me know when' and ignore everything else until he suggests a time, then say, "okay" and that's it. If he tries to arrange a time to call the house, just tell him, "you know our number. Bedtime is at 8." and let him make the choice to call or not. If you're not home, whatever, it hasn't injured him.) He's obviously getting something out of your constant texting but you and your daughter are not, so I'd cut him off.


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Mardi - posted on 01/19/2013




She wont hate you, you are the constant in her life.

I'd stop enabling his games. Dont respond to his texts, dont tell her when he says he's coming, until such point as he actually arrives when he says he will.

She is little and will adjust. While she misses her dad, she doesn't understand the complexity of it all. Nor the fact he could live locally and see her every day, but chooses to drop in when he feels like and go where he pleases.

The more she knows he is supposed to be coming, the more you are likely to get a reaction from her when he doesnt show. He could still say in years to come that your the reason he didn't get there, but hopefully by then she will see who has been there constantly for her.

This is her dad, she has plenty of time to know what he's really like, and she will grow and adapt that into her life, when the time comes. Look after your and her mental well being

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