How do you deal w/ unorganized, insecure, unintelligent exes?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/19/2014

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I understand, Laura, I really do. However, in the legalities of the situation it is not a 'we' situation, it is a 'he' situation.

Like I said, you can be supportive for both him and the kids, but you should not be contacting or speaking with her, etc.

As far as the positive part...that, for me, was easy. I had him, she didn't. He and I were happier together (and still are after 25 years) than they were in their 9 month relationship that started because he was told he was the father. He still hasn't gotten proof of paternity, because he didn't realize it was his right, and the statute of limitations ran out. When she'd call, I'd interact very politely, always expressing pleasure (LOL) and concern about her and her situation, etc... She eventually asked me "what's your deal". I told her "look. I'm married to him now, that's not going to change. As far as I can tell, your situation with him occurred because you were both too young to know better, and to naive to be able to make it work." LOL>..She never contacted me directly again, and our lives dealing with her suddenly became a lot easier.

But, I'm a pretty blunt, straight to the point person. I calls 'em like I sees 'em as one old cowboy used to say. She decided I was not worth the fight.

It's NOT ok that the kids are seeing this all, and that's where you can re-affirm that it's NOT about them, it's about being able to be a family, and that you'd hope that their mother could be on board, but if she's not, you're planning on being there for them no matter what.

Again, on the positive side. You are blessed with these kids, and to be able to be a presence in their lives. Enjoy that! Take your positives from their progress, whether it's school, or simply in their interpersonal relationships that you've helped improve simply by virtue of being involved with them. And, again...you've got him, she doesn't...a BIG plus, even if it is a little catty!

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Laura - posted on 05/21/2014

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They are in place. She does what she chooses. Hence the frustration. Running to court is not the answer unless you have time and money to throw out the windown and you like to alienate the children.

Jodi - posted on 05/21/2014

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I agree that you should get visitations schedules in place. Then it wouldn't be an issue.

Ariana - posted on 05/20/2014

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You should take a deep breath and just step back and accept it.

It is up to him to deal with her for the most part, but in terms of temper tantrums and that well, you do what you want and she can throw a fit, and like a child you ignore it and move on. If she's uncomfortable with you saying hello then she is, don't say hi to her, end of story.

You do not have to plan your trips of vacations around her based on her knowing what she's doing. You tell her what you're doing and she can go around that. Otherwise you all need to sort something out legally, or get some sort of legal documentation in terms of when/where the children go. I mean is it scheduled visitations? Why are you changing your things around for her?

You guys have your stuff together she doesn't just keep doing what you do. The point is to try and not let her effect your life. So if not knowing what she's doing it is a roadblock then fix that somehow. Figure out the proper visitation OR make your plans and tell HER what the deal is (or preferably your boyfriend will tell her). Problem solved.

Laura - posted on 05/19/2014

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Fortunately we share our lives so WE does apply here. Especially because he and I deal with everything together. I guess what I should have asked is how do other women in my shoes deal with it without losing their minds? How do you stay positive when someone is trying so hard to be so negative?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/19/2014

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2015

He deals. YOu don't. He's the ex, you're the girlfriend. You really don't have a lot of say.

If he's got custody, and is making plans, and she's disrupting them, it may be a question for attorneys to settle, as far as what she needs to do to stop being an obstruction.

As far as her intelligence level, it's none of your business, and really doesn't have a place in the argument. She may be smarter than you realize...you're playing her game, aren't you?

As far as the kids, be supportive, let them know you're available if they need you.

Laura - posted on 05/19/2014

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My boyfriend's ex and mother of his two teenage sons is extremely unorganized, very insecure (attention seeking) and basically not that intelligent. She makes our lives utter chaos. We cannot plan trips or vacations because she never knows what she is doing. She has little temper tantrums when he or we don't do exactly what she wants. On top of it all she is extremely intimidated by me so I cannot even say hello to her because she gets so uncomfortable. I thought after two plus years this would get better, but it seems to be getting worse. Luckily my boyfriend and I are in complete agreement, but that does not help us live our lives as we would choose to do. She is a constant roadblock. My patience is wearing very thin. I just don't know how to cope and frankly either does my boyfriend. The worse part is that the kids are seeing how disruptive and unreliable she is and it breaks my heart.

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