HOw do you deal with a toxic ex wife that is insecure & jealous?

Cheryl - posted on 01/22/2014 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Husbands ex wife is extremely insecure individual, & has always poked at me as the current wife. I have tried to be a good friend and no doubt that I treat the kids like my own. My husband feels in middle and it is constant bashing me of just anything and it gets old. How would one control this?

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Jodi - posted on 01/22/2014

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Do you mean having to deal with an ex? I don't deal with the ex. I didn't create a child with her. He did, so he deals with her. Why are you even talking to her?

Danyell - posted on 01/23/2014

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It's not your job to be her friend only to respect her by being a great Step Mother to her kids. Focus on your life with your husband and your new children. Let her have her issues to herself you stay happy and focus on your happiness what she feels and what she thinks about you is none of your business. Stay focused on your happy and making your new family happy.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/22/2014

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Ok, well, first, yes, I'm the second wife, and yes, the ex is over the top.

You need to quit pushing the envelope though. Since she reads their texts, you don't text them. She, as their parent can tell you, as a non-bio parent to not contact the kids outside of their dad's contact hours and times.---Not that I agree with that, necessarily, if you're texting the "can't wait to spend time with you" type texts, because I believe that no kid can be loved too much, or by too many people.

If you have a nickname or pet name for the kids, don't use them when she's around. Again, no rhyme, nor reason, but it makes her uncomfortable, and she turns that around on the kids.

NEVER ask the kids to keep something a "secret" from their mom, even the pet names. That's promoting omission, which will set her off more.

You cannot be her friend, nor should you try to. Civility when faced with her in a public situation, or when swapping the kids is all that's necessary, and all that you need to accomplish. If she continues to dig at you, tell hubby that he needs to bring that up with his attorney and have it addressed that way. And, you cut off all contact with her, completely at that point, if you haven't already.

My hubby's ex did everything from try to undermine me, to withholding visitation (If I'd only known then what I do now about these things...), withholding proof of paternity, to trying to get my husband to leave me and go back to her when she was between men...LOL...like he would have...we've been married 24 years to their 1.5 years...

Thing is, you do not have the authority to make things different. All you can do is support your husband, and let the kids know how much they are loved.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/22/2014

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You stay out of the middle, and let hubby deal with ex.

S - posted on 01/24/2014

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Hi Cheryl,

I can totally relate to your circumstance. There has been bad blood between my hubby's crazy ex since we dated and it hasn't ended. My hubby remains optimistic that she could become a better person but I know she is a malicious person by nature and that will never change (she actually assaulted me in front of her son once). Once that happened years ago, I knew she couldn't be trusted. It was my instinct that proved me right for events to follow. You have to distance yourself from the drama, if you don't, you will be constantly stressed out and go crazy which is exactly what she wants, you to potential lose your husband like she did. My best advice is to let your husband deal with her, to include custody exchanges. This way you don't have to deal with her nonsense and she won't get the satisfaction of knowing she is irritating you. When my husband asks me to facetime with my stepson, I almost always say no because she is usually monitoring the conversation and just the sound of her voice raises my blood pressure since the assault incident.

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Cole - posted on 11/28/2015

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My advice document everything and I mean everything. Keep any and all receipts of what you buy for the kids and put it on a spread sheet. Document all text messages but just know that not all text messages can be used in court because they will tell you how do you know who was on the other end texting, as a law student they use that a lot. Keep track of all visitations with pick up and drop off times, where they were time and time each party arrived and describe the attitudes in your notes. Keep notes of what the kids say that is very important. Also stand your ground and let her know that you will not tolerate any carp from her or just ignore her and her moronic ideas.

MM - posted on 07/08/2015

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Thanks Raye -- that is my thought as well. I've opted to step out of the drama and let time be the moderator. Whatever is meant to be, will be.

Thanks for the validation!
MM

Raye - posted on 07/08/2015

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MM, the kids should be old enough to make their own choices. If they are allowing their mother to influence their interaction with their father and you, then it's their loss that their father is not in their life more. They need to make the effort to include all their parents and step parents, and tell their mother to suck it up and be an adult herself.

Some parents don't understand that their children's love isn't split between the parent's, just like a parent's love isn't split between the kids. If you have 3 kids, you don't love them each only 33%. You love them all 100%. The mother is only hurting her children by trying to exclude love from their lives.

MM - posted on 07/07/2015

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I agree with everything posted above -- "stay Switzerland" and not involved in the drama.

Let me ask a question here that's related to the original. What do you do as the second (relatively new) wife when the kids are adults and their mom STILL manipulates their interaction with their dad (which is because of me -- she includes herself in their adult association with their dad because I'm around now). Do you think it's wrong to "stay Switzerland" and not be involved in events that are arranged to exclude the stepmom? (Their dad sees his kids only occasionally because they live out of state and have college/work schedules that are tight ,so these occasions would be his only time to interact).

S - posted on 01/25/2014

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Funny. The ex wife we deal with is above the law. her mentality is: no one is going to tell me how to behave and court orders, not applicable to me! She has only been in trouble once and that was from refusing visitation. She didn't even get into trouble for assaulting me or moving her son out of state twice. The best way to deal with her stress is to remember that karma will come.We might not see how it could affect her, but it will, esp in the after life.

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I completely understand. His ex had the nerve to try and have the court put in writing that I speak to her and allow her to see if she approves me being around. I almost went to go choke her. She tries to call all hours and uses her 10yr son as an excuse. I am so sick of her. My husband doesn't do anything until I say something. It pisses me off. We have a baby coming and she tried to say that we can't have joint custody bc he going to have a baby with me. Hang in there. I ignore and don't ever speak to her, not even once. I told him to just text her only. That stopped the abusive comments. Now she is way more careful because its all documented now

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/22/2014

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Cheryl, try having to handle the vitriol of the woman without having the benefit of being able to love the child. Yet, I was still exposed to her horrible nature, her abuse of me, etc.

The last conversation I had with the woman ended with "I realize that you have a lot of darkness in your heart because of this situation, and I'm truly sorry. I have to say that, in my point of view, you were both too young to have made these decisions, and made it work. Now, please leave me alone, as I was nowhere near a relationship with my husband until 3 years after yours."

Boy, did that piss her off...

Cheryl - posted on 01/22/2014

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Shawnn, thank you so much. I've always tried to put all into perspective and this promotes that even more : )

I guess I wished it were a relationship like I have with my exes wife. Shes wonderful to my daughter and that accounts for a lot and we are not "best of friends" but can talk and NO "irritability" from that end. But, then again, she is a very down to earth, caring and happy individual inside/out so therefore, she portrays that well. Unfortunately, they all can't be this way - its ashamed LOL

thanks again.

Cheryl - posted on 01/22/2014

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I don't directly. but If I have dealings with kids she has to get involved, gets uptight if I'm texting a simple "I miss you all, can't wait to see ya'll Thursday", etc. to them, she doesn't like that. a general figure of speech like "baby girl" (just the nature of how some address others), she told my husband that I needed to quit that - really?! what is wrong with that ? simple things trigger her for unknown reasons. we are doing the right thing and will continue to let hubby deal with her. it's all her insecurities getting int he way.

Cheryl - posted on 01/22/2014

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have you ever been in that position? It's constant "poking" at my role - ongoing pattern so I try to maintain the positive enforcement, love the kids and live on with our family life.

thank you : )

Jodi - posted on 01/22/2014

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Exactly what Shawnn said - stop dealing with the ex and let him do it. It isn't your responsibility.

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